Passion Within Marriage

Christ is born, glorify Him. Have a happy New Year.

2011-12-31T19:33:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I posted here. Busy with husband.. family.. busyness of life.. sickness.. writing. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas holiday, and I wish a happy New Year to you all.

Men, do you know what you want in bed?

2011-09-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

My husband and I both initiate sex but that’s not a worry for him. If I stopped being sexually passionate or no longer showed sexual desire for him, then we would have problems. I could leave most of the initiating to him and he would be tickled pink just to have me continually shower him with passion and desire.

Showing passion and desire is not the same thing as initiating. It's not the same thing as a spouse making decisions in bed (ie, which activities and positions they do). Some men may need their wife to initiate and make decisions and she can do those things, yet still lack passion and desire.

Some women, myself included, have a passionate nature and regularly show it. But when my husband and I are in bed he likes to rule. It’s not that I can’t make a decision or suggestion; I can. But what works for us and keeps our bed sizzling is for him to do much of the sexual leading. He leads my passion and desire where he wants it to go. My husband is my Master in bed, only I don’t live in a bottle.

Foreplay is emotional for me but it does not make me passionate or make me desire my husband more. Before we even begin foreplay I am already passionately desiring him, whether he’s with me or not. Foreplay simply makes me horny, and then I’m quickly ready to roll.

Obviously, a husband has to be desire-worthy for a wife to desire him throughout the day. All husbands SHOULD be desire-worthy but if they act like an ass around their wife, well... they need to work on the emotional end of their relationship.

A wife runs into trouble when she won’t or can’t think about sexually desiring her husband all day. So it’s not surprising when they’re going to bed and she tells him, “OK, dear, start my engine. Get me in the mood. Make me desire you,” when she’s like a car that’s been sitting in a garage for months on end. And he's like a mechanically challenged guy.

Men, do you know specifically what you most want and need from your wife? Do you communicate it to her? Does she understand what you want from her?

Is romance killing your sex life?

2011-09-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

Some women (and men too) are more sensitive than others to being sexually touched. What about our thoughts? How do our thoughts affect our sexual experiences? We can be sensitive to touch, our husband can be sexually touching us, and we would think, “We’re well on our way!” But if our thoughts are on what we didn't do today, or what we’ll do tomorrow, or something with the kids, etc., guess what? Our husband may as well be touching the lawn mower for all the response he'll get from us.

But then, I have a theory about what trips up so many wives more often than not, and prevents them from getting the most out of sex. They are too focused on being romanced rather than focusing on the physical sensation of being fucked. You hear so many wives complain that they don’t get enough romance. They look for it in everything they do with their husband, including during sex. If I were to try and make sex into a romantic time, I would have difficulties focusing on the physical sensations. Worrying about romance would be distracting for me. I mean, if I’m going to have sex I want to enjoy having SEX!!!

Don't get me wrong. Sex between a husband and wife is and should be an emotional act. What I’m saying is that I think romanticizing about the relationship while in the moment, detracts from the sexual experience. Where do women get these ideas of fantasizing about romance rather than focusing on sex? TV, I’m sure, has contributed, and I can only guess that romance novels don’t help either. For those of us who don’t prioritize for romance, we have an easier time just getting in there and enjoying the physical side of having sex. It's a whole "letting your mind go" mentality. I don't have to be in control of my thoughts. In fact, I don't want to be in control of my thoughts at that time. This works to my advantage, taking the entire experience way over the top.

Husbands, if your sex life is not what you want it to be and your wife complains about lack of romance, satisfy that need outside the bedroom. Keep the bedroom set apart for your sex life.

Orgasm Denial- Living in a State of Arousal

2011-09-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

Not to boast but I can orgasm very easily, usually within seconds or minutes, and they are powerful Os. It's just that I don't like to O every time we have sex, because I enjoy the feeling of being aroused and not releasing it. The arousal is part of my journey, and I love the journey as much as the destination. Most guys and some women need to O every time, and that's OK if it works for you. Folks like that don’t always understand why a woman would want to skip Oing. I’ve heard many husbands say, “I bring my wife to O every time we have sex,” like it’s an accomplishment. Maybe it is for their wives, I really don’t know.

To look at it from a different POV---

For me, my way of practicing a form of "orgasm denial" is WAY more erotic. That's why I'm glad my husband understands how my body works... how I prefer to live in a state of arousal. If I had to O every time we had sex, I wouldn’t always look forward to some of our sessions. Of course, we would have sex just as often as we do now, but I wouldn't enjoy it as much. And THAT would sadden my husband as well... not because of my lack of Os, but because of my lack of enjoyment.

In your marriage does the wife need/want to orgasm at every session? And is it her preference or the husband’s? Does it work to your advantage? Does it cause the wife to look forward to every session, or is she sometimes not so enthused, knowing that she’ll have to O?

A Hurdle For Refused Spouses To Overcome

2011-07-28T08:44:00.000-07:00

Periodically, I am reminded of this. Very little gets my goat more than to hear a marriage forum member say, "My wife and I have a great marriage. We enjoy doing things together. She's a wonderful mom to our kids. She's a good Christian woman, actively ministering at church. Our relationship is good in every way EXCEPT..... in bed.

She refuses to freely enjoy sex with me. As the keeper of the "sex gate" only she decides when and how we have sex, totally disregarding my sexual needs. I have no say. What can I do?" (And I see this in reverse as well… with wives who have refusing husbands.)

One of the biggest hurdles for a refused spouse to overcome, is in admitting that the refusing spouse is NOT the loving spouse they once were. We are NOT a wonderful parent while sexually refusing our children's other parent. We are NOT a good Christian just because we are active and ministering in church, while we treat our spouse like crap in the bedroom. Refusal affects all areas of our life. We figure that since nobody knows our "refusal secret", then our pastor and all our church friends think that we are a good Christian. Hey, we've learned how to fake it well. Everyone but our spouse, only sees our "pretend" personality.

God knows better. He knows us by how we are in the secret place. It's in the secret place that He judges our heart. We might be able to fool man for a season, but we never fool God.

To refused spouses: TELL THE SECRET!

Quit protecting your refusing spouse's reputation. As long as you agree to hide their refusal, you are contributing to their sin, so their sin is also YOUR sin. Tell your pastor, counselor, or whoever else will cause self-reflection when a refused spouse can't make a dent, even if it means embarrassment. We have no reason to be embarrassed if we're not doing anything wrong. If the refuser dies of embarrassment when the refused spouse tells their pastor or another person, it sends the refuser a clear message:

*Refusal is serious.
*Refusal goes against the wedding vows.
*Refusal hurts the kids, and others they try to help (ie, Christian ministries.. like the blind leading the blind).
*Refusal can lead to infidelity or divorce.

Either refused spouse, pastor and others are ALL wrong, or I need to take a serious look at the damage I'm causing in my marriage.

One of my favorite love songs!

2011-06-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite love songs! You like?

Quirky Bedroom Habits

2011-05-29T13:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening, GR and I had the house to ourselves. Typically we'd immediately head to the bedroom to enjoy a sexual time alone in privacy. But I was distracted and in a talkative mood, so I asked GR if we could first play a game of cards in bed. Of course, he was suspicious and thought I was up to something but I said, "No, just feel like playing cards."

"OK," he tells me.

We pulled out the deck that we keep in the bedroom, got comfy in bed, turned the tv on to the Music Choice channel, set it to "Today's Country" and began played cards. After some time of playing and talking about everything under the sun, I became bored with the game and asked him if he was ready to stop playing; he was. We put the cards aside and then enjoyed a good fuck before our girls got home.

There is nothing wrong with doing something nonsexual in bed... not as long as you don't ignore the sexual. Sometimes I find it refreshing and, yes, even erotic to engage in a nonsexual activity before moving on to having sex. It's one of the quirky little things about me.

Do you or your spouse have any quirky bedroom habits that you'd like to share? They can be quirky in a positive or a negative way. Do tell.

Sexual confidence says, "I know God made me beautiful and I refuse to hide it."

2011-05-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

As a 54yo wife, married to a 60yo husband, I view sexual confidence to be a crucial part of my life. We take what God gives us in physical features, and then make ourselves the absolute best we can possibly be, with fitness, weight, hair, skin, jewelry, clothing, boots... Wait, did I say boots? Sorry, that was a slip... says the lady with a boot fetish. We can choose to enhance God's handiwork, or make things worse.

When I was much younger, in my 30s and 40s, I didn't care as much about how I dress. Now, even when stepping outside my home to run errands, I do my best to look nice. What works for me- I've developed a comfortable dress style that I think is sensual without being immodest. I love dresses or skirts and leggings, paired with tops that have flattering necklines. Otherwise, I wear good-fitting skinny jeans or capris with a nice top. The right shoes, jewelry, hair style and skin care are all equally as important when I go out. It shouldn't take a lot of time to look nice before you head out the door to run errands. I wear very little, usually no makeup, which saves me time. A sun screen moisturizer does it for me. After a quick shower, I can throw myself together in 15 minutes or less, and be ready to fly.

As a people watcher, I do take notice of men and women when I'm out and about. When I see a woman dressed sloppy/dumpy, I feel sorry for her because I think, Damn, she's not an ugly duckling. Why doesn't she take a little time to spruce up a bit before heading out of her home? That's a large part of being confident. If I'm dressed sloppy, how can I feel sexually confident? I can't and I usually see that lack of confidence in women who dress sloppy.

Just this morning after having sex, we were in each others' arms and husband gave me this dreamy look and said, "You're beautiful." When he says that, I usually reply with a simple, "Thank you,” because my sexual confidence causes me to believe him. I would never tell him, "No, I'm not," because I would be calling him a liar.

Sexual confidence is something that we must draw from within. Anyone can develop confidence if they choose to do so. Pride and confidence are two different things so don't confuse the two. Pride can result in a downfall but confidence is to be attained. Confidence is what makes each woman beautifully unique and, yes, attractive. Confidence says, "I know God made me beautiful and I refuse to hide it."

I could go on but I'll stop here. Wives, what do you do to build up and maintain sexual confidence? Husbands, how do you contribute to your wife's confidence? Comments?

Book Update

2011-04-29T09:38:00.000-07:00

Good day to you, my readers!

Just a quick note on my book project.

I was told that 80,000 words is the minimum that publishers accept for a small book. I'm currently at 11,000 words, so if I’m doing the math right, I am about an eighth of the way done. Long road ahead of me, but I'm plugging along, meeting my writing goals each week.

And did I mention my great writing group? I feel so blessed and honored to be a part of such a wonderful bunch of writers. They all get 2 thumbs up from me.

Writing my story has been bitter-sweet. It has brought out strong, happy emotions in me and also strong, sad ones. But the more I move along on the project, the more I am convinced that writing my story is something I must do.

It saddens me that I haven’t had time to post here, although, I do check comments and emails most days. Will try to post updates periodically.

Regards,
Gemma

I am the captain of my soul.

2011-04-05T05:35:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was intrigued while watching The Today Show, when they interviewed Ashley Judd. If there was ever a dysfunctional family, hers was it. In her memoir, she talks about her own CSA. Ashley is living proof that a person can go through CSA and emotionally heal well enough to tell about it and overcome it.

I'm sorry... I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think that many CSA victims choose to remain *trapped* in a life of self-pity because of their past. It doesn't need to be that way. Most of us have things from our past that we wish never happened. What are we going to do about it? Sit and cry for years on end and allow it to continue ruining our present and future OR... deal with it, put it in the past and move on to a better life? I vote to move on. Let's quit giving so much power to our past. Let's quit allowing our past to destroy our marriage and our marriage bed.

I am the captain of my soul.

Richard Elliot

2011-03-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

My favorite sax player- here and here , for your viewing and listening pleasure...

GR and I have tickets to see Elliot 'live'. I can't wait! If he is ever near your neck of the woods ... see his tour schedule,... make an effort to see him. I have several of his CDs. Great music for fucking!

Making Up

2011-03-19T09:45:00.000-07:00

A short article on making up.

Only my needs count. For you, Dearie? Too bad, so sad. You're stuck with me now.

2011-03-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

My suspicions are, that those of you who read my last article... you will either really like what I said or you will really hate it.

The wives who hate what I said, have probably been in abusive relationships either while growing up, or with a boyfriend, or with an ex-spouse, or they have been raped by a stranger. The abuse has destroyed their ability to trust the person who vowed to love and cherish them, their husband. This trust must be rebuilt, and it can be rebuilt if the wounded wife is willing to proactively work at it with a professional.

Trustworthiness and generosity have no gender boundaries, so the situations I am describing, can easily apply to husbands or wives.

If a wife is married to an untrustworthy, abusive husband, she has a choice to make. Either give him an ultimatum to get help, or kick him to the curb. I would say the same to a husband whose wife is not sexually generous in bed. If the wife will not change on her own, she owes it to the marriage to seek professional help to overcome her issues.

How many times have I heard, "But when I was growing up ..." or "But in my past ..." I'm sorry but we all have a past. It doesn't give us a free "get out of jail" card. We don't have to allow our past to continue ruining our present and our future. As married adults, it is time to grow up and use our past to make us a better person today, rather than continue giving our past permission to keep us wounded. By refusing necessary, professional help, a person is essentially saying to their spouse, "Only my needs count. For you, Dearie? Too bad, so sad. You're stuck with me now." That's how I was with my husband for 25 years. Does this describe you or does it describe your spouse? What are you going to do about it?

Do we REALLY know what we want in a husband?

2011-03-12T08:58:00.001-08:00

One of my readers, “davyp” commented on my last article and said, “Gemma, I hope the book writing is enjoyable and ultimately that lots of people buy it. You have a perspective on marriage that I've not heard anywhere else and that I continue to be challenged and encouraged by.”

I decided to share my perspective here.

David,

I’ve waited four years for the right time to begin this project so, yes, I am enjoying the writing. Thank you for your well-wishes.

The reason my perspective may seem unique to many folks is because, to the best of my ability, I have tried to "own" what I did when I was putting my dh through all those years of misery. Some ex-refusers, I find, are more concerned about making excuses for their past behavior. Some also carry around a certain degree of 'entitlement' meaning, they stop refusing and then they expect their spouse to immediately bounce back... to be all happy and smiles. That's not reality because many ex-refused spouses have been emotional wounded for so long, from the lack of frequent, passionate sex. These wounds need to heal before the ex-refused can get on with the marriage.

Once I experienced my sexual awakening, I never had a need or desire to cover up my past, wrong-doings with excuses. What I did was wrong as wrong can be. My past emotional and physical health issues cannot excuse what I did because, after all, I was the one who refused to get help. There is not much that ticks me off more than to hear a refuser or an ex-refuser make excuses. (ie, my mom was-----, my dad was----, I was promiscuous, I was sexually abused, I was on BC, I had physical health issues, etc, etc.) Guess what? I can apply all those things to my past except for the SA and still… I didn’t have a leg to stand on for excuses. I was wrong. I selfishly chose to refuse sex and I selfishly refused to get the help I needed because, for me, that was the easy way out. I gave no thought to what it was doing to my husband. It was all about me, me, ME.

Some have told me, "But Gemma, you refused for 25 years. It doesn't seem to be the Christian thing to do, for me to be so harsh with my wife when we've only been struggling with this for 5 years... or 10 years." Well, Bud, to that I would say- Suit yourself. Keep walking on eggshells around the sexual issues if you think that's helping. If it's not helping, your wife will be like I was in another 15 or 20 years. For how long would you like to live in a sexually refused state? My dh lived with it for 25 because he was too afraid to insist that we get professional help and I sure wasn't going to get help on my own initiative.

When I finally understood what God had been trying to show me all along... I determined to become the opposite of that person I was during those first 25 years of marriage. Trust me, I have not arrived. I am a work in progress. When I came to my senses, it was easy for me to become a submissive in the bedroom. I still struggle with obedience and respect outside of the bedroom. For so long I've done what I wanted to do and it has brought me and those around me so much grief. Now I purpose to do what my husband wants me to do. Choosing that as my goal has been so emotionally and sexually freeing.

Please note- Below, I am only referring to mature, loving husbands. If a husband isn’t at that place, then he needs to find help so he can finish growing up. Does he want his wife to be obedient and respectful? His wife needs for him to be a man. We each have our work cut out for us.

Many female refusers think that total obedience and respect is demeaning… as if it will turn them into a dimwit. You know what I’m talking about. These wives fight to have their way, their husbands give in, and the wives are still unhappy. Then the husbands ask, “What went wrong? I did everything she wanted. I let her have her way in everything and yet, she still won’t consider my sexual needs and desires.”

Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Come closer. Are you listening?

Many wives don’t know what they want in a husband. Some wives think they want a wimp of a husband, who will bow to their every command. These wives don’t know what will bring them happiness in their marriage. They equate giving up rights with being a weak, brainless woman. You see the results. They demand to rule in the relationship. They are the gatekeeper for what little sex that might possibly take place, and for what little passion they feel like rationing out and yet, they remain unhappy. These wives continually shoot themselves in the foot. Husbands who don’t love their wives do the same thing. Why continue to be self-defeating?

On the other hand, a basic principle of life is that when you give, you receive. The more obedience and respect I give to my husband, the more I am content in my role as a female and as a wife. This goes completely against feminist ideas and that’s why many wives can’t move into the role of a submissive wife. You know what I do with feminism, don’t you? I keep it in the toilet, where it belongs. Now this doesn’t mean that a wife should have no voice. When my husband and I have things to discuss with our finances, our kids, our house, etc… we discuss them together and listen to each others’ ideas before making decisions. But with our emotional and sexual intimacy- I want my husband to rule. I want him to insist that I obey and respect him in all things. This is what makes me feel loved and cherished.

Wives who initially try to fight to have their way all the time, and have (mature, loving) husbands who put their foot down and insist on obedience and respect… these wives are surprised to find that they enjoy having an emotionally strong husband tell them what to do.

Please post your thoughts.

This Is That Time

2011-03-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

For at least a couple of years now, I have been waiting for the right time to begin writing a book, a memoir. I recently began meeting with a local group of writers every week and I feel that this is that time for me to work on the project.

My schedule will be tight so while I am working on the book, I may not be posting blog articles as often as I would like. If you have topics you would like to see discussed, feel free to post them here as comments or email them to me. Most days I will be popping in to read your comments and emails so do continue keeping in touch with me. Just be patient with my replies and I will get them out as soon as conceivably possible.

Enough of you have been after me :-) for the last four years to write a book so I know I have your support and prayers; I will covet them. My thanks to all...

Regards,
Gemma

Do you "like" your spouse?

2011-02-20T15:17:00.000-08:00

Most of us would say that we love our spouse but do we like being with them? In the clip I posted below, Dr. Berman offered these 5 simple ideas which any couple can put into practice to either improve a troubled relationship or to maintain a relationship that is already based on a firm foundation.

1) Give 5 genuine expressions of appreciation each day.
2) Enjoy at least one 10-second kiss every day.
3) Talk about your relationship for at least 15 minutes a day.
4) Arrange a weekly date night and sex date.
5) Take a vacation alone (ie, without kids) at least once a year.

Sometimes it is the little things that make it pleasurable to be around our spouse and cause a husband and wife to bend over backwards to please each other. Can we say that we like our spouse? Do we enjoy being with them? If a person loves their spouse (ie, out of duty) but does not like them, why would they care about tending to their needs? Your thoughts?

My spouse would NEVER talk to someone about our marriage bed!

2011-02-16T07:20:00.000-08:00

Here is a clip showing sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, interviewing a couple whose 14 year marriage was in crisis mode.

I talk to dozens and dozens of individuals whose marriage bed has been in crisis for years, often for decades. One comment I hear repeatedly whenever I suggest seeing a therapist, "My spouse would NEVER talk to someone about this." Why is it that the very thing which could bring their marriage bed to a healthier place, is the thing they most avoid? I often compare it to a person with a cancer diagnosis who tells their spouse, “Yes, I have cancer but I am just not comfortable discussing it with a doctor so I will not go in for treatment.” Kind of dumb, huh?

A large part of the hesitation, I think, is a simple fear of the unknown… that and unfounded embarrassment. (ie, Sex therapists have heard it all. You cannot freak them out.) For those of us who are Christians- We can learn to trust God and have faith that He will help us push past the fear so that we can work on resolving the marriage bed issues. We read scriptures all the time pertaining to faith and trust in God. Here is an opportunity to put into practice what we read and put into practice what we say we believe.

Please watch this 6 minute clip. For a spouse/couple who desperately need a sex therapist, this could offer some insight into what takes place in a session so that some of the scariness can be eliminated.

What begins in the heart must end in the heart!

2011-02-04T06:33:00.000-08:00

Continuing on with the "awakening" topic--

In one of my blog discussions a reader posted to say: "Yes, we (ex-refused) should not expect or demand an apology (from ex-refuser). Scripture deals rather harshly with unforgiving spirits. But, if you are that repentant soul, you can certainly make it easier for the wounded spouse to make the right decision by being humble and contrite and acknowledging the harm. To do less is wrong. For the other party to demand it is wrong."

BINGO!!!!! To become sexually awakened and to be flippant about it… I am sorry but that continues to show lack of ownership on the ex-refusers part for the damage done to their spouse. What it does say is this, "I am awakened but I want to continue calling the shots and now I say let us just start having sex. Forget about what I have done. The past is in the past… leave it there." That is just as wrong as wrong can be. I have seen a number of ex-refusers on MB forums who think they can simply make the outward change and their spouse should jump up and down for joy. When that does not happen they get bend out of shape and go whining on the forums, “Look what my spouse is doing to me. I have become the sexual being they have wanted all along and now they will not respond in a positive way.”

I try to ignore those whiny, selfish ex-refusers because, quite frankly, they supremely tick me off but in my mind I think, “Well, HELLO??? How did you handle your change? Did you truly repent? Did you feel and show remorse for what you have done? Have you thought about how difficult this has been for your spouse before and immediately following the change? For so long your spouse could not rely on you to do the right thing in the MB. Maybe they are afraid that you will revert back to old habits? Maybe they need to learn all over again how to trust you?

What do we see on forums when the ex-refused cannot quickly shake the past? The couple does not discuss it with their pastor and the ex-refuser says, “If this is how you are going to respond I will just go back to my refusing habit.” And you see them post (read: whine), “I need prayer. My sexual desire is going down again. I do not know what to do. Spouse does not care about my needs.” ME, MY, I... HELLO AGAIN??? This is EXACTLY what your ex-refused spouse was afraid would happen. You are proving them right. Rather than whine, ask your spouse if the two of you can go discuss things with your pastor."

Folks, to truly become sexually awakened is not simply an outward showing. It has to include a deep, genuine heart change for a real ‘turn-around’ to take place with an ex–refuser. The problem I have when I see ex-refusers with a flippant attitude is that it should never be their call to decide which direction the relationship goes from that point. When I am in the wrong it is not up to me to decide how we will handle things to make them right. It is equally as wrong if the ex-refuser has a contrite and humble heart but the ex-refused remains bitter and resentful when we are called to forgive. Clearly, when a marriage bed is on the mend it takes huge leaps of spiritual maturity in both spouses for them to be willing to do the right thing. If one or both spouses resist taking personal responsibility, then sadly, the awakening becomes a “no go” or just “a show”.

The refusing habit began with a sinful heart issue so an awakening needs to result with a deep heart change. Nothing less will be lasting. The best advice I would give an ex-refused spouse who struggles with the change… get you and your spouse in for a private meeting with your pastor and if pastor cannot point you towards a resolution, find a therapist who can. Why spend 5, 10 or more years living with sexual refusal only to spend another 5, 10 or more years living with bitterness and resentment? That is just shooting yourself in the foot.

Ex-refuser: “I am awakened!” Ex-refused: “So what! Too little, too late!”

2011-01-26T09:15:00.000-08:00

Why is it that when one spouse has a sexual awakening, the other spouse does not always respond in a positive way?

I refused for over 25 years and by all rights, my husband should have said, "Sorry, too little, too late," and refused me but he did not. To be sure, he was puzzled about why the change after all those years and repeatedly asked me, "What has happened to bring about the change?" And then we initially had another problem because his body was not responding correctly to allow for successful PIV-IC. We were both crushed but we went to the doctor to see what we could do. I explained to doc how I had refused for so many years. We have a great doc and he is a Christian to boot. He talked with us, gave my husband a viagra sample pack and Rx and told us to be patient... that it might take time. My husband did take one of the pills and then everything came together so he never had to take more of them.

I cannot tell you how many times I apologized in tears to my dh over and over and over. In my mind, if he had said, “Too bad, so sad,” I darn well deserved it. I did not deserve for him to respond to my awakening in a positive way and that is how I approached it with him. If I had taken a different approach like saying to him, "Look, you should be happy that I am sexually awakened. Now we can have all the sex you want,"…. I do not know for sure but to me that would have been a slap in the face to him as if to say, "Yeah, I know I refused for all those years but no biggie... I want sex now and you have been wanting it so we need to just put the past behind us and enjoy our marriage bed."

I did not feel it was my call to decide where we would go from that point on. Instead, my husband was the one who said, "You do not need to keep apologizing. It is done, it is behind us. Let us move forward." And then he did not miss a beat. We immediately began having frequent, passionate sex, not just because I finally wanted it but also because he wanted it, because I was sincerely remorseful, because I asked for forgiveness and because my husband forgave. We were finally on the same page.

When a sexual awakening is not well received I wonder if it is a lack of maturity in the refused spouse where they cannot let go of bitterness or if it is because they went so long without sex that they do not know how to mentally turn on their sexual desire again. Also I think it is extremely important that when the ex-refuser initially discusses their awakening with their spouse, they need to approach it with a contrite and humble spirit.

Are you the spouse of an ex-refuser or are you the awakened ex-refuser? How is that working out for you? Do you feel that you handled or are handing it the right way? What could you have done or what could you now do differently today and in the future?

Romantic, Emotional vs. Sexual Needs Debate

2011-01-24T08:05:00.000-08:00

Recently on a marriage forum someone asked- In what ways do you feel emotionally fulfilled in your marriage? Typically I avoid these types of questions because they remind me of the same old, same old. One spouse says, “More emotional intimacy,” and the other spouse says, “More sex,” with both of them constantly locking horns. This time I made an exception and replied to the post. I wrote:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Off the top of my head and in no particular order:

*I need good conversation about us. This means conversation beyond the kids and the 'to do' list.
*He comments on my appearance. I enjoy knowing that I still 'wow' him when he looks my way.
*He needs to sexually pursue me as I do him on a frequent basis. Sexual intimacy is entwined with emotional intimacy. When one lacks, they both do.
*He enjoys my cooking and other homemaking and parenting skills.
*He cannot keep hands off me when not having sex. It is the knowing that he desires me even when we can't have sex right at that moment.
*He looks forward to being out on dates.

For me, all of the above spell ROMANCE and emotional fulfillment. Emotional and sexual intimacy go hand in hand. For us it is never romantic/emotional fulfillment OR sex. Rather it is romantic/emotional fulfillment AND sex and when we see a lack in one or the other, we do not wait until everything is perfect before we continue enjoying each other in both ways. This results in a win/win for us.

I see more couples shooting themselves in the foot when one says, “We need more romantic/emotional fulfillment,” while the other says, “We need more sex,” and then neither of them budge and both of them lose out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you and your spouse often lock horns over the romantic, emotional vs. sexual needs debate? What helpful ways have you found to overcome differences in intimacy needs?

Stop. Don’t. No. Quit. Is it all you think about?

2011-01-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

Here is a condensed version of the excuses you all submitted. Imagine this- Your refusing spouse says “no” to sex with one of these pathetic excuses. You whip out a list and say, “OK, dear, which one will we choose this time?” Or what if you were to keep a private journal? Every time your spouse gives an excuse, you mark it down in the journal and date the entry. After a few months you share the journal with them so they can have a good visual of their marriage bed attitude from over an extended period of time. Or you could keep a copy of a list in an obvious place in your bedroom as a reminder to them of the mental pain and suffering you experience each and every time they give you an excuse.

Some would say, “My refusing spouse would be furious if I showed him/her this list.” Well, why should they be furious if this is a fair sampling of the excuses that come out of their own mouth? Just like refusers do not realize how seldom they have sex… they equally do not realize how awful it is to continually hear the excuses. This could be quite an eye-opening experience for some refusing spouses. Some of you may have other uses for such a list. Please share them.

-Not feeling well.
-Long hard day of work and I'm tired.
-Not emotionally up for it.
-Kids are still awake.
-I have a tummy ache. (It can be something this childish.)
-The sure fire “go-to” method is to start a fight or otherwise be absolutely unapproachable.
-Don’t want to be bothered.
-You’re smothering me.
-Quit playing games.
-Don't feel connected.
-Kids are around.
-Don’t feel like being touched.
-Give me some space.
-Stop.
-Don’t.
-No.
-Quit.
-Is it all you think about?
-S-I-L-E-N-C-E
-Don’t want to interfere with your sleep.
-It's only been [xxx] days/hours.
-Under too much stress. Can't turn my brain off and relax.
-In the morning- “Too much to do today, need to get started.”
-In the evening- “Still too busy.”
-Kids will be knocking on the door soon.
-I have a headache.
-We just did it last week. You horny already?
-I’m not in the mood.
-You don't accept me for who I am (sexually).
-I am not into that.
-You are a pervert (for non-perverted requests).
-It’s my time of month. (PMS and period- that means 21 days of the month not in the mood.)
-I feel fat.
-You’re pressuring me.
-You only want me for sex.
-Wife does not participate- non responsive- “Just get it done.”
-Bait and switch: Outstanding sex b4 marriage, anemic after marriage and lifeless after children.
-Honor and respect for husband lost or faded.
-She refuses to give feedback/participation to help make it wonderful for her.
-I am not the women you want. You want some porn star and I am just a simple women .
-We already did it 2-4 times this month.
-I would rather you masturbate than ask me for sex.
-I am no longer in a sexual phase of my life. I don’t want to have sex with anyone - ever again.
-You are getting some so I am not really refusing. (From a dispassionate spouse who is rarely willing.)
-You want me to be enthusiastic in bed? Not going to happen.
-You have looked at porn in the past… not excessively, not addicted… but just the same, you will be forever tainted. (I’m a good Christian but I can’t forgive you.)
-I don’t think we’re close so I can't be into it.
-Here is a nice one to start the new year: Husband says, “Happy New Year I love you- kiss. I think we’ve grown closer this past year in spite of the difficulties.” P-A-U-S-E. "Maybe". The icing on the cake- Twice that day I had two women offer themselves to me for New Years Eve. Purity and resistance continues in the face of a non-generous and non-loving wife.

A Long & Possibly Handy List of Excuses!

2010-12-30T07:23:00.000-08:00

What reasons and excuses do you or your spouse give for saying "no" to sex? Feel free to simply list them OR... list and explain, your choice.

Stay with me :-). I am going somewhere with this.

How was your Christmas holiday?

2010-12-26T06:21:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, folks!

How did you spend your Christmas holiday? Friday afternoon I made a light and easy lentil casserole which we love. We nibbled on that until time for our Christmas Eve. church service. After church we arrived home to snack, have a few drinks and open presents with our kids. Then, of course, GR and I went to bed and were able to stay in bed until 11am Christmas morning, which is a very rare thing for us.

Yesterday we enjoyed cooking a special Christmas day meal of filet mignon along with dill fingerling potatoes and roasted tomato Caprese salad. Our Christmas day was filled with feasting and good family time.

GR goes back to work tomorrow and then we start all over with plans for our New Year's Eve. and New Year's Day celebrations. Most likely we will have a light, easy meal on New Year’s Eve. and on New Year’s Day I will only prepare football game food. Fun and relaxation for all…

If your Christmas holiday was less than ideal, how will you plan for a fun-filled New Year's celebration? We often have more fun and relaxation when we plan the holidays rather than just letting it happen. Do you make New Year's resolutions for your marriage bed?

From Gemma’s household to yours-

Christ is Risen – Glorify Him!

Is faithfulness taken for granted?

2010-12-09T16:38:00.000-08:00

One of my readers told me:
"I get hit on about once a week in my job and it frustrates me to no end to always have the opportunity of a participating partner on the 'other side of the fence'."

(Just for the sake of simplicity, I will generally refer to the husband as the refused spouse and the wife as the refusing one to avoid having to keep writing “him or her”. Just know that I do understand that sexual refusal knows no gender boundaries.)

I hear from refused spouses all the time; you know who you are. Day to day they live one notch away from physically falling into sexual sin because of their spouse’s refusal. To those who find themselves constantly having to resist the bombardment of eager sexual partners outside of their marriage, I say--- Good for you for not having fallen all the way into temptation thus far but the problem lies far beyond physically falling. You are aware of those “weekly opportunities” to sin this way but does your wife know about them? If she does not I would STRONGLY recommend that you tell her…. not in a threatening way because that would only push her further away but she does need to know what can potentially happen if she does not stop refusing and does not change her attitude. Being LD is no excuse for being sexually selfish. Contrary to popular belief, even having emotional issues is no excuse for being sexually selfish when you can aggressively pursue professional help to overcome the issues.

Here is a tip---
One good incentive for taking on sexual generosity is to understand that your husband is not infallible just because he has been a good Christian since you met or since an earlier time in the marriage. Remember, he is often a mere one notch away.

We wrongly assume that sexually refused Christians can easily avoid sexual temptation…. that the fear of God and fear of sin will most assuredly keep them faithful to the marriage vows. Then when things go wrong everyone says, “The bastard, how could he have done that to his wife?” With my own story, my dh was tempted IRL throughout his work days when he would see women. He lusted after them, hoping to see in them what I would never allow. Yes, he was the one who chose to lust with his eyes but I made it really easy for him. (ie, “accessory to sin” by counseling, by commanding, by consenting, by provoking another to sin; by praise of flattery, by concealment, by silence, or by defending that which is wrong). Twenty-five years later when he confessed it to me, I had to repent for his sin of lust as much as he did. Hindsight- I wish I had known years earlier what took me all those years to learn.

Just read on Christian marriage forums of the many sexually neglected husbands who on a daily or weekly basis are one notch away from physically falling. And their neglectful wives? They are so clueless because they think, “My husband may not be perfect but he would never EVER be unfaithful to me,” and they continue on with their refusing. The neglectful wife needs to know, has a right to know, what their behavior is doing to help push their husband over the edge. Yes, if you sexually fall it is your own doings but if a spouse contributes to your fall through neglect, then he or she is also guilty (ie, by accessory to sin).

If you are a refused husband or wife, have you explained to your spouse the seriousness of the temptations you face on a daily basis? Does your refusing spouse have a working knowledge of what a sexual fall would do to their marriage? Many of you would be surprised if you knew how much your faithfulness was taken for granted by your spouse, or maybe you would not be?

The holidays- a help or hindrance?

2010-12-01T04:51:00.000-08:00

Holidays are notorious for creating havoc in peoples' personal lives. I will not go into the details of how it affects folks but I have been thinking about this in the past couple of weeks and thought that I would post the question here. Do the holidays affect your marriage bed and if they do, are they a help or a hindrance? Throughout Advent and Christmas, do you find yourself allowing your children, extended family or even friends to interfere with your sex life? Have you thought of simplifying the holidays to make for a better marriage bed relationship?

Flipping the Switch

2010-11-16T07:36:00.000-08:00

An anonymous reader was sharing about their growing up years in reply to one of my blog articles. In his comment he said:

“We were exhorted to be passionate for God, but to harness and resist the passions of the flesh. However, it seems that passion was often linked with bad, sinful, unhealthy concepts. Then, later in life, when one gets married all the sudden you are supposed to be able to flip a switch and go from avoiding all things sensual/sexual to now diving in and enjoying marriage. …hardly ever do we hear leaders in church or ministry speak of healthy sexual relationships with their spouses.“

As I was re-reading his comment a thought occurred to me. Drawing from personal experiences which GR and I have had, and of course there are exceptions but, the following has been our general POV of how sex is viewed among many Christians. If you say “sex”, they think “sin”. Talking about sex is so associated with guilt and so embarrassing that it is not uncommon even for a husband or wife to avoid discussing it with their spouse. Consequently, they develop a habit early in the marriage of avoiding most if not all sexual discussions and activities and they keep their own sexuality or lack thereof hidden from others. This keeps them more holy and pleasing to God, so they think.

Often I hear folks say, “------- is wrong because it is not in the bible. We only believe in the bible.” But is everything right and good that we do, specifically mentioned in the bible? And if something pleasurable is not specifically written about in the bible, does that mean that it is wrong and sinful? Do we view our pastors in this same way? If our pastor does not mention and encourage healthy marital sex does that mean that it must be sinful? Could we be placing too much blame and/or responsibility on our pastors? What about personal responsibility for our own thoughts and opinions?

Here is a related example- It is probably not a good idea for a wife to walk around in public looking like a whore but is there no middle ground? Does that mean that a wife has to look like a prude or be unattractive in public? How easy do you think it is for a wife to dress like a prude in public and then be her husband’s every fantasy in the bedroom? Is it confusing and sometimes impossible for a wife to be able to “flip the switch” at a moment’s notice? Is it fair to expect that of a wife?

Sex & Romance- How do you and your spouse weigh in?

2010-11-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

While GR and I keep our bedroom as a sexual sanctuary (ie, no clutter in the room) we do not worry much about setting a preliminary, romantic atmosphere with extra props such as candles, music, lighting, clothing, stripping, etc. When it comes to these things he and I tend to lean towards minimalism. This may have something to do with our lack of reliance on romance in general. Perhaps part of it is our history of not having sex for so many years. Maybe our age has something to do with it (ie, in our 60’s and 50's)... I do not know.

It is just that most of the time when we get together we are quickly and easily into each other. If we had to stop and say, "Wait, start the music," or "Wait, get the candles and light them," or “Wait, I’m not wearing the right thing,” it would only slow us down. And this has nothing to do with how fast GR and I sexually wind up or wind back down because we do spend much time on our sexual encounters… probably more than what many couples do.

Often I hear spouses talking about how they usually depend on these props to help them get in a sexual mood. I view couples or individual spouses as falling into 1 of 3 categories with this-

1. those who prefer equal time on both sex and romance
2. those who need/want most of their time spent on romance
3. those who need/want most of their time spent on sex

Are you a 1, a 2 or a 3? Does your spouse fall into the same category as you or a different one? Does it work for your marriage or not and why? If it does not work, if it creates havoc, what ideas would maybe bridge the gap between how you and your spouse view sex and romance?

Proving Ourselves to be ‘Consistently Dedicated’

2010-11-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

Many low and high sex drive spouses do not have a good working knowledge of what it means to be “consistently dedicated” to the marriage bed. Let me explain.

So often I read online where a high drive spouse does a ‘happy dance’ because their low drive spouse offers them a night of sexual bliss. While I understand how that could build hope for better things to come, do low drives tend to interpret this response as a sign that they themselves are 100% dedicated to the marriage bed? (ie, Well there, that ought to keep him/her satisfied for a week... or more.)

Do high drives enable that thinking in their low drive spouse by lavishing too much praise and encouragement without seeing evidence of consistent dedication? Encouragement is good, no doubt, but can it become overkill where it causes more harm than good thereby enabling inconsistent dedication? Whatever happened to ‘proving ourselves’?

The following is a comment I recently made after reading yet one more account of a high drive doing a happy dance because he was offered a night of sexual bliss. When I read these one-time accounts I want to say, “Oh please, contain your excitement until your spouse proves himself so you will not end up disappointed once again.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is crucial to have good communication with our spouse regarding our MB... so that one-time sexual events do not end up only as sexual blurps on the radar.... so we will see action the very next time we want/need action, be it every day or every 2 or 3 days or whatever our frequency level may be. It is not the blurps that keep our MB healthy. It is the consistent action which takes us from day to day, week to week, month to month...

We can compare this to two people who are dedicated to their jobs. One of them puts forth 100% every day. The other is satisfied putting forth 100% once or twice a month. Which of these two people would the employer appreciate the most? Which of them would likely remain the longest in a good employer/employee relationship?

Your thoughts?

Ouch, ouch!

2010-10-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

OK, this is not exactly about sexual passion but then again, it is in a way.

Have you wives ever gotten an exterior sore where it makes having sex uncomfortable? Husbands, I am sure you have seen it happen where she says, "Ouch, it hurts right there." (I am not talking about pretend hurt to get out of having sex. This is real genuine pain.) My husband's fingers do it to me every time, if they are a little too rough.

A couple of days ago I managed to get a sore spot. It hurt so badly that we had to skip yesterday. Then very early this morning GR woke up horny. I was kind of quiet while waking up and he asked me, "What are you thinking?" "I wish I did not have this dang sore spot on me." So he did the gentlemanly thing and told me, "We can wait. I do not want to hurt you."

I thought about it a minute in my half-comatose state and then got a light bulb moment. "Take your finger and just slip it inside me. Do not touch the outside if you can help it." Again, my gentlemanly husband said, "But you are dry, I do not want to hurt you." I finally convinced him that it was OK, "Just do it. I will let you know if anything hurts." So he did what I asked, I quickly got wet and we were able to enjoy pain-free PIV-IC.

Sometimes you have to get a little creative to work around problems. We went through a similar thing right after our surgeries. Each of us wanted to have sex only a few days post-op so we figured out a way to make it work. Before I lost all my weight I often had backaches. I hear many folks say they cannot have sex with back pain but I learned to just plunge in anyway, knowing that the pain would be gone afterward. Yes, having sex would eliminate the pain.

Of course there are times when you really cannot have sex but I believe that the majority of times you can make it work.

Is there no end?

2010-10-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

Why do so many people struggle in their marriage bed? Do we go into marriage in ignorance? After the wedding are we selfish? Are we too lazy to work at the relationship? Do we think that the marriage bed will take care of itself? Do we believe in that dumb old phrase of 50/50 when it should be 100/100? The more time I spend reading at marriage forums the more convinced I am that something is terribly, terribly wrong with the way many of these couples go into marriage. Months and even years later they are still wallowing around in a pathetic relationship.

The problems are not on account of a lack of prayer or lack of bible reading or lack of church attendance. There is plenty of that going around. It seems that the bulk of the issues is because one spouse views the marriage bed as something sinful and/or one spouse does not trust the other spouse. How has fear of sin and lack of trust become more important to embrace than the fear of a miserable marriage bed? On marriage forums the marriage bed issues are almost all alike. After you read enough of them, the stories all have an eerie resemblance. It becomes so depressing to read that I often have to pull myself away from them.

Is there no end? Will there ever be a time when most Christian marriages will get off on the right footing so that their marriage beds will thrive from the get-go? Will there ever be a time when both spouses will say, “You know, we can do better than this. Let us put our heads together and work on a doable solution so that we can have a healthy and happy marriage bed.”

I have to wonder. What do you guys think? What will it take to get both spouses on the same marriage bed page? It just seems that most couples who battle with this, drag it on for so freaking long. Why do you think this is so?

Is touching like shopping?

2010-10-17T15:16:00.000-07:00

I do not know who wrote this story but I love it.

A guy's wife wanted to know why is it when she is all touchy-feely and flirtatious, her husband views it as an invitation to sex. “Why can't it just rest at what it is and nothing more?” she asked. To demonstrate, one weekend he took her to her favorite clothing store at the mall.

They walked around a bit and when she asked if he liked a certain skirt he said, "Sure… wow.... I really like that skirt. Hang onto it!" She then found a blouse and they went through the same routine. A pair of slacks... same. Boots... same. After some time she had a fair mountain of clothing and accessories on her arms and she said, "Thanks honey.. I think I am done. Let’s go check out."

With a puzzled look on his face he asked, “Check out? Why do you see this as an invitation to buy all this stuff? Can't we just look at it all, touch it and feel it without actually making a purchase? Can't we just let it rest on your arms for a while and then go home and nothing more?"

Air, food, affection, sex...

2010-10-02T11:41:00.000-07:00

GR and I have an understanding- Either of us are free to wake the other for sex. It usually works the first time around although we have times where the outcome is unexpected. Some nights, one of us tries to wake the other but if the other is sleeping too heavily we rest/sleep a little more and try again OR… and here is where the unexpected comes in. Other times, later in the night the heavy sleeper wakes and initiates sex and we finally enjoy a good romp.

We experienced this again last night. GR woke first and could not wake me and then later I woke and did the initiating. As long as we are being reasonable with each other (ie, grace during sickness, exhaustion), my husband and I have no restrictive rules about when sex will or will not take place, even during the night. If one spouse wants it, it is “a go”. For a married couple, agreeing to sex should be as natural as offering air to breathe or food to eat or affection for the soul. When we love someone we want to see them healthy and well in all areas of their life.

What are different ways to help a clueless spouse understand that sex is not an optional, part-time hobby… that it is as necessary as affection? If a spouse does not want to “get it” after having it explained, do you feel it would be wrong to offer an object lesson to help get the message across? I am thinking about a lesson where you tell the spouse ahead that you will be withholding affection for a couple of days just to help them understand what it is like to need something from a spouse that is not freely given.

D/s relationships & bondage revisited

2010-09-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

Bunnyhunch commented on my last post to say:
“You ask whether there a topic we'd like to see discussed here. DH and I were just reading the posts and talking about your your question. The first thing out of his mouth: "Well, you know what the longest and most interesting discussion was..." Of course, he's referring to something that actually is related, to some extent, to the topic of headship/submission: Dom/sub relationships & bondage. Where better to discuss this topic and learn? We're certainly ready to revisit it.”

I am game to discussing this if some of you are interested. This is not a topic that is readily welcomed on most Christian forums but I find it fascinating so I enjoy discussing it here. A D/s relationship can bring the marriage to a whole different level, one of both excitement and contentment. The feminist thinking that was pumped into me back in the 70’s did me a terrible disservice. I am glad to have that behind me now. Being a wife/sub married to a husband/dom suits me just fine.

While I am here, Anon asked:
“For those that DO enjoy some spanking in the marriage, some "how-to" discussion? Positions, what implements if any, how far do you go, etc.?”

Up until now GR has only spanked me with either his hand or our 18 inch, black, leather paddle but our paddle is rather long. We plan to buy a shorter one, too, as it would be more portable. My personal favorite spanking positions are with me standing and bent over at the waist, kneeling, being on my stomach across GR’s lap or draped over our Esse. Our spreader bar works great for spankings and for... other things. It has four velcro cuffs on it to fasten ankles and wrists. Just for added effect when getting spanked, I am often wearing my leather collar and chain leash.

When we go on dates GR likes me to wear the leather collar with my large silver locket dangling from it OR... I wear my slave collar, courtesy of Lowe's. Yes, we actually went jewelry shopping at Lowe's and ended up purchasing from them a large-linked, stainless steel piece of chain along with a tiny padlock. Voila, instant slave collar! GR keeps the padlock key on his key chain but I also have a copy of the key just to be safe. For the locket photo I took a close-up of GR's face one day just after he O'd... priceless.

It can be extremely erotic to be told to go to our room, strip and get into whatever position GR wants me in before he enters the room to issue a spanking or... other things. Hey ladies, do not knock it until you try it. We are not much like those Taken in Hand couples. I do not misbehave to get spanked [rolling eyes]. In fact, our spanking is all about the sex. And I have no desire to spank GR. He has no desire to be spanked. We do not switch. He is always the dom and I am always the sub.

Comments? Questions? Ideas?

Bring it on...

2010-09-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

I just posted this comment underneath my last article. Thought I would also post it here as a new article for all to see.

"Now you guys are making me feel guilty for not posting in a while. I think about you all every day... really I do. Life has just gotten busy lately and... well... my marriage bed comes first. Is there a topic that any of you would like to see discussed here? Bring it on..."

Restraints, cuffs and ropes... oh my!

2010-08-20T11:49:00.000-07:00

One of my readers was asking me about the Easy Access Restraint and it got me thinking about the possibilities for usage. Fwiw- Unlike metal handcuffs these cuffs are very comfortable so different positions should not cause pain or discomfort.

A husband can use the restraint with his wife standing and bent over at the waist, her feet cuffed on the ends and her wrists cuffed in the middle. Obviously he would have to hold on to her so she does not fall forward or he can have her standing by the bed so if she does move forward while he is holding onto her, her head would hit the side of the mattress rather than the floor.

Cuffed in that same position a husband can place his wife on her back on the bed and roll her back and forth while playing with her.

A husband can also have his wife lie face down on the bed and hog-tie her from behind. For this position to work a wife needs to be flexible.

A husband can have his wife kneel while he cuffs her ankles and wrists behind her, putting her in a bent-forward kneeling position.

You can cuff a wife to an object like a bed rail, a table leg, a post in the barn for you farmers, steering wheel of a car, smallish size tree for you outdoorsmen, etc. Simply place the object in front of the restraint so that the object is ‘trapped’ between the wife and the restraint.

So far, those are the few ideas I have come up with for different ways to use the Easy Access Restraint. I am sure we will come up with more. Did I convince anyone to put the restraint on their ‘wish list’ ? Does anyone have other ideas for how to use a restraint such as this? Oh, did I mention how portable this gadget is? Very easy to take along for over-night outings!

Worth mentioning here, are a couple of other restraint systems which GR and I enjoy using. We have two 16ft black silk bondage ropes which offer many creative possibilities for usage. Just remember that unlike many other ropes, silk rope does not irritate the skin so please do not think you can run to Lowe’s and purchase any old rope to tie up your wife. (I know how you guys think ;-)

And last but not least, Liberator’s Bed Buckler is well worth the money we paid for it, although it is not as portable as Easy Access Restraint or silk bondage rope. We keep the Bed Buckler well hidden between the mattress and box-spring. When we want to use it GR only has to pull the 4 restraints out from the 4 ends of the bed, fasten the 4 cuffs to the ends, fasten me in the cuffs and then the fun begins. With Bed Buckler you are limited to using it in the bed but that has not hindered our play at all as it allows for so very many ways to use it.

I hope that at least some of you can learn to explore the possibilities of endless fun with restraint systems in your marriage bed. This cute little fellow, Roger Rope, might help your spouse become more receptive to using restraint systems.

Spanking

2010-08-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

Is it just my imagination or did John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara seem to really get into all those spanking scenes in the films they did together?

Details, details!

2010-08-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

Since a number of you asked for detailed descriptions of my new black leather toys- my "Leather Buckle Bustier" and my "Female Butt Plug and Dildo Harness", I thought I would share that here. Perhaps I can entice some of you to purchase a few fun, leather items to wear or for your spouse to wear ;-).

Description of harness from extremerestraints.com
“The soft and durable genuine leather waist belt secures snugly with roller buckles. The crotch belt hugs the crotch as it fastens around the back. The belt is adjustable and fits waists 25-39 inches. The pouch accommodates both an anal plug and a vaginal dildo. The plug slot sizes are 1 and 1.5 inches in diameter and are easy to use. The soft, high quality leather construction makes this harness comfortable for long term wear.”

My description:
The harness is designed for self-penetration only. Neither my husband or I are interested in me penetrating him... my reason for choosing this style over others. It has two plug slots at the bottom which allow the wearer to use a butt plug OR a dildo separately OR to use both simultaneously, which was a difficult feature to find in a nice looking harness. Last night I broke it in with a dildo while wearing it for dinner and a movie. We arrived at the theater very early so we were alone for a while. We sat in the back row where I was able to show it to my husband before others arrived. This style of harness is quite stimulating to wear and who can resist soft leather against their skin? … not to mention how “visually hot” black leather is to view. Walking in it is a breeze but you just want to be careful that the toys you wear internally in a harness are not too large if you will be doing a lot of transitioning from standing to sitting.

Description of bustier from ladycleather.com
“This ravishing leather bustier cinches the body and reveals lots of skin thanks to front, shoulder and side buckle openings.”

My description:
The bustier is ultra-adjustable with tiny buckles all over it- 5 down the front center, 4 on each side and 3 on each shoulder. Yes, there are 19 buckles in all, hence the name “Leather Buckle Bustier”. I believe it comes in small, medium, large and extra-large. I am about 5’2” and weigh 150 pounds and I got the extra-large but I probably could have fit in the large as well. The top front is low cut and in the front center from top to bottom, there is a vertical opening which is kept fastened by 5 tiny buckles running horizontally so the entire front center is very revealing. The inner halves of the breasts minus nipples are revealed through that center opening. I would not wear the bustier in public without at least having something thrown over it, an unbuttoned shirt or jacket so you could reveal the bustier, or not, at will. I did not wear it out on our date last night. The shoulder piece close to the neckline sits up high so it is hard to hide under clothing. Both our kids were here when we left so I just brought it along to show husband while we were out. When going on dates in the fall and winter it will be easier for me to slip out of the house secretly wearing the bustier. I do not get cold easily so that will not be a problem.

There are many online businesses where you can purchase leather-wear. Extremerestraints and Ladycleather are just two of many which I find to be reliable. I have not yet shown GR the new “Easy Access Neoprene Restraint System” also from Extremerestraints so he has another surprise coming to him. He enjoys ‘locking’ me in our Liberator Bed Buckler so I know he will enjoy this as well. The Easy Access Restraint is more portable so you can easily use it anywhere in the house or elsewhere. I could get used to buying him bedroom surprises. Perhaps I will start purchasing a new erotic outfit and/or an item for bondage play every 3-6 months.

I have a secret!!!

2010-08-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I received my latest toy order. Oh, I am so excited! GR knows I placed an order and he knows the amount I spent but he does not know what I purchased. I only told him that I bought bedroom stuff. 'Nuff said, right?

I wanted a leather outfit to wear underneath my clothes on date nights and to wear at other times too. So I purchased the "Leather Buckle Bustier", the leather "Female Butt Plug and Dildo Harness" and then for lagniappe, I also got the "Easy Access Neoprene Restraint System" for a new bedroom toy. I was going to post website photos but Extreme Restraints and LadyCLeather show them on live models so if seeing stuff shown on live models bothers you, use your imagination.

GR loves to see me in black leather so when we go out on our next date I will be wearing the bustier and harness under my clothes and will wait until we are away from the house before showing it to him. I cannot wait but... shhhh, it is a secret.

How has your summer been?

2010-08-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

How has your summer been so far? I have not been here as much as usual because our summer has been busy. We were getting dd#1 ready for her first trip to Europe. There was a lot of preparation to get her ready to go. Then recently GR's job responsibilities changed. With those changes came a change in his work schedule and... we are thankful... also an increase in income. Sooooo, I have been adjusting to his new schedule.

Then most recently we embarked on a project to rescue our laundry facilities from the dungeon… I mean the basement… so we could have easier access to it from the second floor bedrooms. To do this we have been emptying out an extra room on the first floor and setting it up with washer/dryer hookups. What a job this has been!

We are finally on the tail end of the project but it has been so much to empty out 4 large bookcases and a 4-drawer file cabinet plus everything else we had in there and then tossing it in the trash or finding new homes for the stuff we needed to keep. On top of that we have had to de-clutter 7 other book cases in other parts of the house to make room for the adjustments. (ie, We home-schooled our kids in grades K-12.) I cannot tell you how many large trash bags of stuff we either tossed or gave away to Salvation Army to make room for the stuff we needed to keep.

In spite of it all, I am grateful that GR and I have been able to remain sexually connected so we do not go crazy in the midst of our busy summer. For all my readers, how has your marriage bed been this summer? Do tell!

Just a heads-up!

2010-07-29T16:04:00.000-07:00

I posted a note today in "Ask Gemma's Ravisher" ---->

How do you handle issues in your marriage relationship?

2010-07-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

What happens in your marriage bed when you and your spouse have a serious emotional issue (ie, or sexual, thinking through this in reverse), one which has days or possibly weeks of lasting effects? Does your sexual intimacy come to an abrupt halt or are you and your spouse able to work through the emotional hitch simultaneous as you continue to enjoy passionate sex?

GR and I had such an issue come up this past week; we were both at fault. We rarely have emotional issues these days so when it does happen, it is usually big. Although it takes work and dedication, we both agree that when things are not at their absolute best outside the bedroom, it is in no way reason to allow our marriage bed to suffer.

Here is the tricky part-- Many of us agree that emotional and sexual intimacy are closely related so if they are, how do you separate them so that a fall-out in one area does not cause a fall-out in the other? I think most guys have the advantage in these situations because they, more easily than women, naturally compartmentalize each area of their life. Can women learn this skill? Absolutely if they are willing to work at it.

When this issue came up last week one of the first things I thought was, “Oh, great… our marriage bed has been going strong and now this. What will happen with us in the bedroom?” And then I was reminded of something. Those of any Christian Faith can benefit from doing this analysis when problems arise in the marriage relationship. In Christian Orthodoxy we rely on what we call “7 grievous sins” and “7 virtues”, which we analyze extensively when we need to confess any kind of sin. It helps us to quickly and efficiently identify our problem/sin areas where otherwise we may ignore or overlook them and then it helps us to focus on the virtues. We list them as follows:

Grievous Sins

1. PRIDE: the lack of humility befitting a creature of God.
2. GREED: too great a desire for money or worldly goods.
3. LUST: impure and unworthy desire for something evil.
4. ANGER: unworthy irritation and lack of self control.
5. GLUTTONY: the habit of eating or drinking too much.
6. ENVY: jealousy of some other person's happiness.
7. SLOTH: laziness that keeps us from doing our duty to God and man.

Virtues

1. HUMILITY
2. LIBERALITY
3. CHASTITY
4. MILDNESS
5. TEMPERANCE
6. HAPPINESS
7. DILIGENCE

In our situation I could see that if I was not careful I would end up ushering into my life the sins of pride, anger and sloth and that these sins would clearly interfere in the mending of the issue at hand. Once I identified which sins I was battling against it made it easy to work towards overcoming them by focusing on the virtues. So my task at hand- to truly confess my pride, anger and sloth and to pray for humility, temperance and diligence. Voila! How I wish I had learned this years ago but better late than never. With each of us truly confessing and praying through this, we were able to successfully go to bed that same night and enjoy passionate sex. One problem did not have to create another.

So I will ask again--- What happens in your marriage bed when you and your spouse face serious emotional issues? Does sexual intimacy go down the toilet or are you and your spouse able to work through the emotional hitch simultaneous as you continue to enjoy passionate sex?

May we all become smarter and more obedient to God in the handling of issues in our marriages and in our lives!

In the eyes of a ranger...

2010-07-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have been watching these reruns all week with our youngest daughter while GR has been away. I love the theme song. OK, I like the rangers, too ;-).

GR arrived home last night after being away all week on his business trip. Now we have some catching up to do in the bedroom and also in a few other areas. Two weeks ago we bought a 17 foot used sailboat but with his job, we have yet to take the boat out on the water. Maybe now his schedule will slow down a bit and we will be able to go sailing.

Next week we celebrate our youngest daughter's birthday. What did she want? We picked it up today... an 80 pound punching bag, go figure. Our college kids seem to have the strangest hobbies. Our oldest daughter still enjoys her doll collection and yet last year she bought herself a handgun. She belongs to a rifle association where she loves doing target practice with her 22.

Sorry for my ramblings. There is not much else to tell right now. GR and I got reacquainted last night. It will be good to have a week together, finally. Our oldest daughter is in Italy for two weeks so it is just the three of us here right now. We have been doing some extra bonding time with our youngest.

Enjoy your spouse; enjoy your kids.

Waiting, waiting...

2010-07-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

My husband has been out of town all weekend and he is finally coming home tonight. I cannot wait!!! It is so hard to feel complete when he is away on his job. What can I say? I miss him so much but I am glad that he is taking tomorrow and Tuesday off from work so we can have some "us" time and so we can get daughter #1 off for her trip to Italy.

Edited to add: Problems on the job :-(! Looks like tomorrow evening husband will have to leave town again.

Real Love Is From The Inside Out

2010-07-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

I love this video, both the music and the photos. Of course, I am a country music gal!

Deleted.

2010-07-12T06:47:00.000-07:00

Deleted.

2010-07-07T06:54:00.000-07:00

"It wasn't a duty at all because I liked doing it."

2010-07-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I watched the ending of an "All in the Family" episode with Carroll O'Connor as Archie Bunker and Jean Stapleton as his wife, Edith. When the episodes were originally aired, I did not watch them all that much and I still do not but the ending of this episode caught my attention.

Archie and Edith are having a discussion and Edith tells him (I'm paraphrasing), "Years ago when I got pregnant with Gloria (their daughter) Mama told me, "Edith, I see you are taking care of your wifely duties. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it wasn't a duty at all because I liked doing it."

I just thought it was too cute that the writers had goofy, zingy Edith have such a positive view of sex from the beginning years of their marriage.

When you see a show or movie that portrays marital sex that way, how does it make you feel? What thoughts come to mind?

Thoughts as a single vs. thoughts as a married person

2010-07-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

This thought occurred to me today. You hear so much heartache about married couples living with serious marriage bed issues where they are not really dealing with it in an aggressive, proactive way. For the spouse who is afraid of sex or... those who just don't like it for one reason or another or... those who are sexually selfish, being only willing to do it when they feel like doing it... what were their thoughts about marital sex when they were single?

Did they spend time thinking about marrying someone one day? Did they think that sex would be an occasional event after a wedding... that they and their spouse would only be "buddies" or "roommates"? Were they sexually active as a single and then freaked out when they married, causing them to sexually withdraw? Or did they have healthy sexual thoughts before and after marriage?

For me, I was highly promiscuous when I was single so I just assumed that I would always be that way. Not once did I dream that I would one day, sexually shut down. I never thought my promiscuity would hinder my marriage. I never thought that going back to church, albeit a different type of church, would contribute to my years of frigidity.

What were your sexual thoughts (or your spouse) as a single vs. your current thoughts as a married person?

Can a dry week usher in the passion?

2010-06-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

Can a dry week usher in the passion? Absolutely! You can make it work for you. With all the commotion this past week surrounding the death of a friend's son, our sex life came to a temporary slow-down. GR and I were both overwhelmed with this incident but now we are back to being "hot to trot"! Life happens but you must pick up the pieces and forge ahead so you can keep on keeping on. Those bumps in the road should only be temporary road blocks so you can not allow them to sabotage your marriage bed.

What do you do when a tragic situation comes along? Do you let it consume you and take over your marriage bed or do you deal with it and then resume sex the way you need it to be? "Prioritize" is one of my mottoes. The marriage bed must remain alive and well. It is one of the crucial aspects of a healthy marriage. Learn to prioritize!

Bad week

2010-06-29T05:58:00.000-07:00

Sorry folks... I have not been 'all here' this past week. We have been dealing with the tragic suicide of a friend of daughter #2. I shared the story in the prayer forum at the bottom of TMB board. It was a suicide that was never meant to happen. Please keep the family in your prayers.

What do you think needs to happen before positive change takes place in your marriage bed?

2010-06-19T17:50:00.000-07:00

A negative attitude does not appear overnight. And if an attitude is only beginning to show, it could be rooted in something in the person's present life (ie, the easiest root causes to overcome) OR.... it could go back to something in their past which requires much more work.

For over 25 years, most of my bad attitude was rooted in guilt and pride from two sources. One source was guilt from the promiscuous lifestyle which I led while in my teens and early 20's. The other, was guilt imposed on me when we were in legalistic churches and also pride, because I would not talk to our pastors to let them know how poorly I was treating my husband in our marriage bed.

Believe it or not while I was refusing, GR and I were in leadership positions and I wrongly felt that we had an image to keep up so I allowed pride to keep me as prisoner in my mind. (ie, If you had problems, you were less spiritual than those without problems.) Our pastors, then, and our church friends all thought our marriage was good.

I learned to fake it very well when around them. (Does this have a familiar ring to it?) GR wanted to tell the pastor but he would not because he was afraid I would explode and leave him or that things would get worse. I mean, really, how can a marriage bed get worse than when a couple goes for years at a time without sex?

Even after we left those legalistic churches and I was finally able to acknowledge what I was doing to my husband and my marriage, it took me another six years to work through all the guilt and pride I had been carrying around for so long. As soon as we began attending our current church, GR and I both started spilling our guts out to our pastor; then the healing began.

This pastor was a Christian Orthodox priest who had only been married for a few short years and yet, he had the training and wisdom to know exactly how to counsel us so we could begin the healing process. After six years of wanting to change but not knowing how, often taking one step forward and then two steps back, I finally figured it out and came out on the other side being emotionally healthy and whole.

I would dare to say that in most cases, changing one's bad attitude is a process which takes time, effort and a willingness to admit that we are wrong, to admit that we are sinning against God and our spouse and a willingness to work hard at changing. For a Christian, attitude in the marriage bed begins with a spiritual root and then moves out to the emotional and sexual areas of a person's life. Very few people can come out healthy on the other side without some form of help. Besides my husband doing all he knew to do, my help came in the form of a good church, a very wise pastor and many good marriage bed books which I purchased and read.

What do you think needs to happen before positive change takes place in your marriage bed?

I am baffled!!!

2010-06-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or are there many, many married couple who are floundering around terribly with sexual issues? The more I go along with a healthy marriage bed, the more I see so many messed up couples with their own sexual issues. What is up with that? Why are so many couples struggling with difficulties in their sex lives? Can somebody explain this to me? I am baffled!!! I should note that I am seeing this online, not IRL.

Omission- Do you see this as deceptive?

2010-06-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

Something I read yesterday at another website has me puzzled. This gal, who is engaged to be married in two months, was saying that her future husband does not know of her sexual past. He has told her many times how important it is for him to marry a "pure virgin" and yet she does not think it is wrong of her to keep that information from him.

Her logic--- She says that she is not lying to him. He has assumed that she is, indeed, a virgin and has not asked so she has not bothered to tell him otherwise.

Many of us were not virgins when we married so I am not faulting her for her past. It is just that I think it to be horribly deceptive for someone to not clarify this with a future spouse so he/she can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to pursue a marriage. I just cannot believe that a Christian would lie about this to their future spouse.

How would you weigh in on this situation? In your circle of Christian friends is it common to lie about a sexual past? I am just appalled! Is it just me? Am I reacting too strongly?

A cloud of witnesses who ran with endurance!

2010-05-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

This passage of scripture was read today during our church service. I had not read it in a while and it touched my heart. I hope it touches yours.

It is from Hebrews 11:30- 12:2 NKJ.

30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they were encircled for seven days. 31 By faith the harlot Rahab did not perish with those who did not believe, when she had received the spies with peace. 32 And what more shall I say? For the time would fail me to tell of Gideon and Barak and Samson and Jephthah, also of David and Samuel and the prophets: 33 who through faith subdued kingdoms, worked righteousness, obtained promises, stopped the mouths of lions, 34 quenched the violence of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, out of weakness were made strong, became valiant in battle, turned to flight the armies of the aliens. 35 Women received their dead raised to life again.

Others were tortured, not accepting deliverance, that they might obtain a better resurrection. 36 Still others had trial of mockings and scourgings, yes, and of chains and imprisonment. 37 They were stoned, they were sawn in two, were tempted,[a] were slain with the sword. They wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, tormented— 38 of whom the world was not worthy. They wandered in deserts and mountains, in dens and caves of the earth.

39 And all these, having obtained a good testimony through faith, did not receive the promise, 40 God having provided something better for us, that they should not be made perfect apart from us.

1 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Today was celebrated as the Sunday of All Saints.

Oh joy... a new bed!

2010-05-26T09:52:00.001-07:00

GR and I have been sleeping on a mattress/box spring set that was about 15 years old and it was a cheapie set when we purchased it. This morning we had a new mattress and box spring delivered so tonight we get to break it in. I cannot wait! Never will I ever again purchase a cheapie bed. Good sleep is vital, considering how much of our time we spend in bed.

UPDATED TO SAY---

WOW!!!! I cannot remember ever having a bed this comfortable. It felt like heaven from the time I got in it until I got out this morning, pain-free. This bed is a "keeper" ;-).

How do you know that you have a skinny stairwell?

It is when the delivery men have to go through an upstairs deck without stairs to get the new mattress and box spring into the bedroom. One of them stood on the ground and had to lift each piece up towards the deck while the other guy pulled it up from the deck.

Before they brought in the new they had to toss out the old so one guy in the bedroom first hands the mattress and then the box spring to the other guy on the deck and then he yells, "Watch out for the dog. We don't want to throw the bed on top of the dog :-)."

Now, the top of our mattress is so high up from the floor that I am going to have to get a small 'step' to ease myself in and out of the bed. I can do it on my own but I have to really hop up to get in and hop down to get out. I feel like Goldielocks with the papa bear's bed, lol.

Does your wiring need an upgrade?

2010-05-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

I just read one of the most pathetic excuses for a couple to miss out on having sex. A husband was preoccupied playing games on the computer. His wife was dropping hints and even stripped in front of him, to no avail. I know, hints do not usually work. She went to bed horny, tired and angry. She ended up masturbating and then went to sleep. In the morning when they discussed the happenings of the previous night the husband tells her- I masturbated before I went to sleep. Why didn't you just tell me that you wanted to have sex?

Can we say "time for a rewiring"? Do you often find yourself without a good connection (ie, good communication) between you and your spouse regarding your marriage bed? Do you or your spouse recognize it right away or do you find yourself going around and around the same 'bush'? GR and I see this crop up occasionally but it frustrates the daylights out of us so badly that we spot it early and deal with it. We prefer the direct approach.

Do you and your spouse often talk to each other in different languages? Do you think it is more loving to grin and bare it to avoid conflict when you and your spouse are not communicating well OR... do you find it best to be honest and direct with your words (ie, You are pissing me off. Why?) OR... do you have another method which works for you?

Time for a history lesson!

2010-05-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

Here is a topic which I never write about because, quite frankly, GR and I are not even remotely interested in doing it.

Just today I was reading on a message board from a thread pertaining to anal sex. Someone commented and said that they always wondered if the common use of AS has it's roots in porn. Now before you shout me down with all your comments of "we could say everything is rooted in porn" or "God is the designer of all sex. The porn industry stole it", I am aware of all that. And it could very well be that you hear more about people doing AS today because of better communication via tv, internet, etc.

What I am interested in learning is the history of AS. Does anyone know how far back AS is mentioned or discussed in history? And does anyone know the stats... say... number of couples who did AS in 1950 as opposed to couples who do it today?

Now go do your research and report your findings back to me ;-).

Blech, sex is dirty!

2010-05-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

Husbands, does your wife still live with that "I-feel-dirty-having-sex" syndrome? Wives, do you feel sex is dirty even in marriage?

Some young girls unfortunately grow up with the mentality that sex is dirty instead of being told that it is a gift from God which brings married couples to a higher level of intimacy. They often cannot on their own make the necessary transition from "single, good girl" who believes sex is dirty to becoming "married, hot wife" who loves being sexually intimate and who totally embraces her own sexuality. Instead, they marry and go from "sex is dirty" as a single to thinking that "nothing's changed. sex is still dirty".

Add to that--- If a bride has low/no sex drive AND she still thinks sex is dirty... well, the MB does not have a chance to thrive. If the MB is to become alive she needs to go through a renewing of her mind. It may take books on topic or it may take a third party to help her understand.

How come she cannot just believe what her husband is telling her? Does she not trust him? She cannot believe it because her pink (female) ears are hearing from her husband's blue (male) mouth, "I want you to enjoy sex because I need it," not that husbands are saying that but it is how she hears it in the translation. The wife I describe is more into emotional intimacy rather than sex so she hears her husband but she thinks, "All he wants is sex. He does not love me because if he did, he would think like me and prefer emotional intimacy over sex."

Am I making any sense? This wife has to learn that emotional closeness comes with good sex and the husband has to learn that good sex comes from emotional closeness. The emotional and the sexual intimacy cannot be separated. When you leave one out, the other goes down the toilet. For all of this to work, it takes two people with healthy views of sex who are willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work to become as one.... who are willing to meet each others' needs as generous spouses.

Below I have listed a few books from my book list in the right sidebar, which may help if a wife has not read them. If she has, then it is time to pull them off the shelf, blow off the dust and read them again.

Intimate Issues, and also Intimacy Ignited, both by Dillow & Pintus (Wife should first read Intimate Issues. Then you could read Intimacy Ignited together.)

Sheet Music, Leman (This is for husband and wife to read.)

For Women Only, by Feldhahn (This is for wife to read.)

What do you do when you are bored and fidgety?

2010-05-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

Generally I sleep pretty well but I have my moments where I wake up and find myself bored and even fidgety. Honestly, I think I inherited this from my dad as he often gets up during the night because he is bored and fidgety. Early this morning around 4am I found myself in such a state. This might sound horrible but during these times when I cannot sleep I look to having sex to cure my boredom. Not that curing boredom is my only reason for having sex but occasionally it is one reason why I reach over to GR and begin waking him up for playtime.

Fortunately for both of us, our sleep habits are very conducive to middle-of-the-night sex as we both do this back and forth to each other. It just gives us another opportunity in our day to enjoy each others' bodies. Daytime, bedtime, middle of the night, early morning... it is all a very good thing! When you wake up bored and fidgety, what do you do?

Now I know what it is!

2010-05-07T05:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had yet another medical procedure done. I think that GR and I are finally on the tail end of the medical problems, surely. After my March 15th, 4-hour surgery I felt good, actually even great. They wheeled me out of recovery late one afternoon and I was up the next morning walking the halls and sitting up in a chair... with an incision that ran over 20 inches around my hips. The two surgeons expected me to be in the hospital for at least 3-4 days so they were a bit shocked when on day 2 I was begging to go home. Since the doctors saw no good reason to keep me there any longer I was discharged.

I went home feeling fine but then a couple of days later I was experiencing this burning sensation in my throat. My first thought was that it was from the tube down my throat during surgery but the surgeons said "no" and they are both wonderful doctors so we had no reason not to believe them. I went to family physician and from there was sent to throat doctor. He suspected reflux but when he sent my file to my surgeon from a year ago, Dr. B suspected an ulcer sooooo... that brings me to yesterday's procedure, an endoscopy.

Yesterday Dr. B did the endoscopy and sure enough, it was more than just reflux. Dr. B saw that I was in a pre-ulcer stage, heading towards a full blown ulcer. They sent me home with orders to not only continue taking Prilosec for the next 6 months but now I also have to take Carafate Suspension for 1 month and Pepcid for 3 months. Dr. B tells us that this is treatable.

The procedure left me feeling a bit woozy yesterday but sometime during the night I was feeling like my old self again. Early this morning I was so energetic that I went out for a brisk 30 minute walk before all the rain came down. I am just glad to finally have a proper diagnosis with this so I can move on to better things.

Acceptable behavior, continued...

2010-05-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

I started to post this as a reply to landschooner's comment from my first "acceptable behavior" article only my reply was too lengthy and would not post so I did the next best thing and decided to post it here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For years GR did not have a label for my refusing. I think that after a while he just came to the sad conclusion that he had married a woman who had been "broken" for a long time and that I may possibly never change.

landschooner said:
"when we tried to get pregnant, she didn't fail to come-on to me when she was ovulating. But, I don't know, I guess it made sense because we were trying to get pregnant. I didn't think of it as a ploy."

Now that was one thing that GR quickly recognized and he rightly called me on the carpet for it. Until he confronted me about it I did not realize how much disrespect I was showing when I sexually abused his body to get what I wanted (ie, pregnancy) but then all the other times of the month I kept the "sex gate" tightly closed and locked. And yes, I call it "sexual abuse" because when a man use a woman's body it is also called "sexual abuse".

landschooner said:
“She does what she thinks is important. Sex isn't important…… "Well, we've been really busy and you've been working late and I've been tired and the kids have been difficult and....and....and.... Its all true. All real excuses. All legitimate. But you know, we got a lot of things done in the last month despite fatigue. Despite everything. Just not sex…..”

You are right. There will always ALWAYS be “stuff” going on but if we are sexually generous with our spouse and we are faithful to prioritize, passionate sex will happen most of the time. Heck, since January GR and I had 3 surgeries. How easy could that have been for either or both of us to say, “I can’t. I’m still not recovered enough from surgery. Maybe next week or next month or next year....”

landschooner said:
“She's happily married. What does sex have to do with it? her husband's frustrations are heard but not really comprehended. I get a proverbial pat on the head "I'm sorry dear" but the truth is.....I'm starting to think that she doesn't HAVE the capacity, the ability, the life experience to comprehend sexual frustration.”

For decades I was the happily married wife, the princess, or at least I thought I was. Before 2004 I heard GR's frustrations but I just brushed them off, thinking he was just whining or expecting too much from me so I kept telling him, “Learn to live with it,” or “I’m trying,” or “I do not know what is wrong with me and I do not know how to change. Sorry.” Then in 2004 something snapped in him and he was through hearing me say “sorry” because quite frankly, I was a sorry excuse for a wife and he was done living in a mediocre marriage. He was not thinking of walking out but he was through putting up with my crap and wanted better for our marriage.

GR began putting into practice what we did with our kids when they were younger. Why not? I was acting like a spoiled child! If our kids behavior was inappropriate we would find a way to make their life miserable, giving them needed motivation to get their act together because if they didn’t, life as they knew it would continue to become less comfortable. Without motivation, nobody who is sitting there like a “princess” is going to change their behavior and risk losing their precious lifestyle, and the reason being--- because they are not living by the will of God in their marriage. They have no "good will" towards their husband. All they know is how to have their own way. A little bit of discomfort goes a long way and quickly gets our attention.

Between 2004-2006 GR’s aggressive way of dealing with this was indeed Christ-like. Look at what Christ did in the temple and… He even used a “whip of cords”. Hey, there is an idea ;-)! Once GR began toughening up his approach it became more appealing to me to figure out what I needed to do and then to do it. But if he had not stepped up to be the assertive leader we needed in our marriage and had instead continued being Mr. Nice Guy, my 2006 awakening would never have happened because after all--- if he did not seem supremely ticked off, things could not have been that bad, right?

Oh, and we do have the capacity to comprehend sexual frustration. It is called “having compassion with our spouse’s needs”…. “being a sexually generous spouse”…. and borrowing Job’s term- “being a spouse of good will”. Even average to low-SD spouses can be of ‘good will’ if they choose to do so.

Acceptable behavior or not???

2010-04-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

Do you know what is REALLY sad to me? On marriage forums I read all the time where countless, refused husbands tell about their wives practicing this behavior. The husbands say that their wives refuse sex all or most of the time except for…………………… when they want to get pregnant. What. is. up. with. that??? How can a wife be cold as ice from day to day but when she wants a baby she is *horny as all get out* during that time of the month??? The *horny behavior* is only kept up until she is pregnant at which time the frigidity starts all over again, often continuing for 2-3 years until she is ready to be hooked up again to the baby-making machine (ie, her husband). Then once more she *loves sex* until she is pregnant again.

I can poke holes in this selfish behavior because, unfortunately, that was me in the first months of our marriage. And to think, we all assumed we were good, Christian wives while we used our husband's body as a baby-making machine. For having done that, I am still so ashamed that I stooped that low. As Christian wives, how can we justify doing that to our husband? How can we think, “Sex is a bother to me so I will refuse it but when I am ready to get pregnant, my husband better darn sure make himself available so I can get what I want.” As husbands how can you allow your wife to continue having children knowing that it is the only reason she *loves sex*, the only reason she is “putting out”? Do husbands think, “Oh wow, she is agreeing to sex. I can’t pass this up!” Is it the desperation to have sex, even if only at that one time of the month and only until pregnancy is achieved?

Can someone explain this practice in *Christian wives*? From where did we ever get the idea that this is an acceptable Christian way to treat our husband? What can we do to stop this selfish behavior in young wives? I feel it needs to stop, do you?

Where did the sparks go? Can you find them again?

2010-04-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

Did you have passion for your spouse when you were dating? How about when you were newlyweds? Was the passion still there? Is it there now or has it been so long since you have seen passion in your marriage that you forgot what it felt like?

Consider the sparks that fly between two young people who are in love. Are we supposed to lose those sparks just because we grow older or because we get in a bad habit of taking each other for granted? Do you think it is possible to have those sparks flying today like they did years ago before you were married?

I was browsing through some books and stumbled on a few quotes that I would like to share. From the book "Intimate Issues":

"Recapturing passion has first to do with your attitude about being a lover to your husband (my insert: "or to your wife"). Passion begins with priorities, not genitals."

"We agree that it's difficult to keep the passion burning, but not impossible. We must make passion a priority and then set an atmosphere where passion can reign."

"What helps you prepare your mind and body for passion? Try putting these four things in your lovemaking repertoire: fun and playfulness, tender touch, a passion exercise, and a vacation mentality."

"A blazing fire is not started by piling huge logs on top of one another and striking a match. The way to build a lasting fire is to start small; dry paper, bits of kindling, then small branches, and finally logs. The fire must be constantly tended to give warmth and remain bright. In the same way, the fire of your passion is built of small pieces of "kindling." Boughs of love piled on top of one another, thought upon thought, action upon action until the flame of passion blazes bright. Dear friend, it is worth the effort!"

The author suggests asking your spouse: "What can I do to become your dream lover?"

"List five ways you can make passion a priority in your marriage?"

"Your sensuousness begins in your mind before your husband (my insert: "or your wife") enters the room. Thinking sexually is a frame of mind, a focus. List three things you can do that will help you prepare your mind and heart for passion."

Sorry guys, Intimate Issues was written for women but do feel free to change the wording around so that the advice is directed towards husbands.

In Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book "The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage" she says:

"The Proper Care & Feeding of a Marriage is to GIVE, GIVE, and GIVE some more--- of your best self."

Dr. Laura shares these ten tips in her book:

1. There is no "I" in TEAM!
2. Remember back to what made you "fall in love" and make that memory live today.
3. Forgive each other. Agree to let the past die and start over.
4. Dump your prideful ways.
5. Ignore the sometimes not so small stuff.
6. Try to remember that two heads can be much better than one if you show some respect for the other's head.
7. Treat your spouse with as much courtesy, kindness, and sensitivity that you give to strangers and others you know.
8. It is a far greater blessing to give than receive.
9. Forget rewriting history. (ie, years of resentment)
10. Treat him like a king and he will treat you like a queen. (ie, assuming you married a reasonable, decent person)

Should "moods" even be a consideration in our marriage beds? Prager doesn't think so!

2010-04-27T04:49:00.000-07:00

Here is one of the best articles on marital sex that I have read on the internet. Initially I began to post only the links here but then.... when I followed the old link for the article, I discovered that it had been moved to a different webpage. No doubt it will be moved again so I decided to post the entire article.

Please share your thoughts on what Prager says here. If you are a refusing wife, would you take Prager's words to heart and at least pray about them? If you are a refused husband, would you consider sharing this article with your wife and lovingly discuss it with her, perhaps in the presence of your pastor or therapist? (ie, impartial third party to help keep peace during the discussion)

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When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood: Part I, by Dennis Prager

Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a “male-female hour” every week.
The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is “not in the mood” and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.
There are marriages with the opposite problem — a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of “He wants, she doesn't want.”
It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.
First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife's refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Let's deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding. …
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different — and how seemingly more primitive — men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage — no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says.
(Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).
Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What “excessive” means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual nature's desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.
3. Not my man.
Many women will argue, understandably, “My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when I'm too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.”
The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.
Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.
Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.
4. You have it backward.
Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to — women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)
But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood — see Part II next week.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband.
This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.
In Part II, I will explain in detail why mood should play little or no role in a woman's determining whether she has sex with her husband.
I conclude Part I with this clarification: Everything written here applies under two conditions: 1. The woman is married to a good man. 2. She wants him to be a happy husband. If either condition is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are the man you love won't tell you.

When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood: Part II, by Prager

In Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)
In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.
Why?
Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.
1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.
2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?
What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.
What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?
This brings us to the next reasons.
3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”
4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.
5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.
6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?
7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.
8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.
The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”
That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.
If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.

Feeling Nostalgic?

2010-04-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

This is a repeat posting of an older article I wrote here in September 2008. It is so easy when you are going through a tough financial time to feel like you are all alone. With today’s economy hurting so many families I thought it would be good to remind ourselves that even when money is tight we can still keep our marriage intact. Please feel free to share ideas for what you and your spouse do when there is no money to spend OR… share what your parents did or any other couple you know.

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Bear with me-- I am feeling nostalgic today. My mom's been gone for over 6 years now. I remember her sharing so many stories of the old days, late 1940's-early 1950's, when Mom and Dad were fairly new parents and poor as church mice. Going on dates at that time was financially challenging for them but in spite of the challenge, they still figured out how to romance each other. Thought I would share a couple of her stories in an effort to entice some of you to do likewise and share some of your own, older memories of your parents or of a long ago time in your own life.

Back in the late 40's my mom quit high school to get married. She and Dad were both young and began having kids a couple of years into the marriage. Before long, they found themselves with several kids but still.... no money. I remember Mom telling me that when they needed a break, my grandmother or one of my aunts would babysit while my parents would go out on a cheap date. On one such date they would go out and buy 2 cokes and just walk through town sipping on coke. This was at a time when you could buy a coke for 5 or 10 cents so it was a 10 or 20 cent date.

My childhood church had a mens group which sponsored a weekly dance that was free for the group members and their spouses. My parents always loved to dance and since my dad was a member, once a week they were able to go dancing for free. They became very good at finding creative, inexpensive ways to go on dates during those years when money was tight.

A side note---

Although I have never discussed details with them, I assume that my parents must have enjoyed a healthy, active sex life. They always took time for dates and they ended up having a very large family so they were regularly enjoying sex. As the oldest kids were getting married Mom was still having babies. Up until the time she passed on, Mom and Dad could often be seen kissing or hugging. They'd even watch tv with arms wrapped around each other. Our background is a mix of French and Italian which I'm sure contributed to the affections they shared but I have to believe that some of it was plain old "being in love".

Do you have any old romantic or sexual stories to share? Has your upbringing, in any way, positively affected the sex and/or romance in your marriage? Do tell!

Forgiveness at its best! (Ready for a good laugh?)

2010-04-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

A new song about forgiveness!

How does warmer weather enhance intimacy with your spouse?

2010-04-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

Do you love Spring/Summer weather? Personally, I am more of a Fall/Winter person because the cooler weather energizes me. So now I am adjusting to the warm seasons.... trying to find good reasons to be thankful for warmer weather.

Let me see (Gemma putting on her thinking cap)---

I can dress lighter (ie, sexier) when we go out.

While in bed we do not have to stay under the covers to be comfortable. I am a little slow and just figured this one out early this morning when we woke to having sex.

We can enjoy more intimate times outdoors on bike rides, picnics, outdoor concerts, walking, hiking, golfing, etc.

Intimate outdoor grilled meals, dining on the screened porch, eating outdoors at lake shore restaurants... all of these things can be enjoyed in warmer weather.

What do you and your spouse intimately enjoy this time of year that you cannot do during the colder seasons?

Have you ever ridden a quadcycle?

2010-04-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

This weekend GR and I finally had opportunity to get away for a night. It was our first real break since prior to our surgery era. He had a quick job to do in Chicago early Saturday morning so I went along and we made an over-nighter out of it. We really needed that little bit of time alone- over six hours on the road, a private hotel night and then all day Saturday to play.

Yesterday, in the late morning and early afternoon we hung out at Navy Pier as the weather was gorgeous for outdoor fun. Because I am still recuperating I cannot ride a bike until the middle of May (ie, no pedaling, no golf, no weight lifting, etc.) but we wanted to take a bike ride along Lake Michigan so we rented one of these cuties . You have to scroll down to see this cool bike, the "small quadcycle" made.... where else? In Italy, of course!

The small quadcycle seats two and is designed for two to pedal. We worked around my recuping by having GR do all the pedaling while I just sat there like "the queen" enjoying the ride. (I almost started waving to everyone... but I didn't.) What I find cool about this bike is that the two people riding it sit side by side so it is very conversation-friendly while pedaling. So for an hour, GR pedaled, we talked and we enjoyed enjoyed the lake shore. I heart the quadcycle.

Before you all tell me how lazy I am, I want to go on record to say that yesterday I walked 7980 steps, which roughly translates to just a hair under four miles, so there! Here is to more gorgeous spring and summer days ahead!

How do those women enjoy PIV-IC even when they do not O???

2010-04-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

It is OK for me to want to have sex and not care about Oing. For men I know this would never do. You guys and some women, too, have sex and the O has to happen. I get that. And most of the time I do enjoy Oing. It is just that I am going through a short season of recuperation from surgery. Although my energy level is improving daily, it is not yet up to par so I am having to recup at a gradual rate.

This is not a big concern for GR. He is happy that I am still Oing SOME of the time and that I am still crazy horny for him ALL of the time. I am back to my occasional waking during the night for sex. Last night I woke around 3am just craving PIV-IC so I did what I do best in waking him. We both enjoyed a romp, he O'd and we both fell back into a deep sleep. Sometimes a gal just needs to be f^cked and then everything is OK.

You cannott get surgery recuperation much better than that! Thank God I can have sex although my doctor is still saying "no" right now to me lifting hand weights or playing golf :-(. There is a time for everything.

What do you nurture and treasure in life?

2010-04-04T20:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

Some of you have been wondering why I have not posted many articles in recent days and weeks. It has not been out of laziness or lack of interest, I assure you. It is just that with our three surgeries practically back to back, life has been overwhelmingly busy. Our surgery stuff is going well. What I am still battling with is this throat thing.... and I still really do not know what it is. Family doc thought I needed to see a throat specialist so I did. Throat specialist did not see any obvious problems but suspected gastric reflux. Then my surgeon from last year's surgery looked at everything and felt that we needed to pursue testing for a possible ulcer. So..... now I am scheduled to have an endoscopy on May 6.

Oddly enough, with all this going on our marriage bed has been kept intact :-). My incision is very large and still tender to the touch, wrapping around my hips for 18+ inches but in spite of that, we have managed quite well to keep our sex life active. GR and I are both grateful for that. Honestly, I do not know how others do after surgery but GR and I value our sex life far too much to let it go to the wayside, after all, why should we? We would not neglect other aspects of our marriage because of surgeries so why would we neglect our marriage bed? That would be just plain dumb... like shooting ourselves in the foot.

Sex is far too crucial to throw aside during life's bumps in the road. What do you do with your marriage bed when life gets messy? If your sex life takes high priority there should never or at least rarely be a time when it dwindles down. Sexual intimacy should ALWAYS be at the top of our 'to do' list, not as a chore but as a fun and necessary daily part of our lives. We always breathe. We always eat. We always sleep. We always exercise. And we should always enjoy our sex lives.

Here's to erotic marital sex no matter what is going on in our lives... that we always make time to nurture and treasure it!

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

2010-04-03T07:34:00.000-07:00

These are the words we use to greet each other at our Pascha/Easter midnight service, which will be tonight. This past week has been our Lenten Holy Week. The Eastern Orthodox still go by the old Julian calendar in calculating the date of Pascha so for most years our Easter falls on a different day then when you Westerners celebrate it but this is one of those rare years where the Eastern and Western Christian churches gather on the same day.

Each year, just before we are dismissed from our Pascha service, the Paschal Sermon by St. John Chrysostom (347-407) is read from the pulpit. Here it is in its entirety.

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A PASCHAL SERMON by St. John Chrysostom (347-407)

Are there any who are devout lovers of God?
Let them enjoy this beautiful bright festival!

Are there any who are grateful servants?
Let them rejoice and enter into the joy of their Lord!

Are there any weary from fasting?
Let them now receive their due!

If any have toiled from the first hour,
let them receive their reward.

If any have come after the third hour,
let them with gratitude join in the feast!

Those who arrived after the sixth hour,
let them not doubt; for they shall not be short-changed.

Those who have tarried until the ninth hour,
let them not hesitate; but let them come too.

And those who arrived only at the eleventh hour,
let them not be afraid by reason of their delay.

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first.
The Lord gives rest to those who come at the eleventh hour,
even as to those who toiled from the beginning.

To one and all the Lord gives generously.
The Lord accepts the offering of every work.
The Lord honours every deed and commends their intention.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord!

First and last alike, receive your reward.
Rich and poor, rejoice together!

Conscientious and lazy, celebrate the day!
You who have kept the fast, and you who have not,
rejoice, this day, for the table is bountifully spread!

Feast royally, for the calf is fatted.
Let no one go away hungry.
Partake, all, of the banquet of faith.
Enjoy the bounty of the Lord's goodness!

Let no one grieve being poor,
for the universal reign has been revealed.

Let no one lament persistent failings,
for forgiveness has risen from the grave.

Let no one fear death,
for the death of our Saviour has set us free.

The Lord has destroyed death by enduring it.
The Lord vanquished hell when he descended into it.
The Lord put hell in turmoil even as it tasted of his flesh.

Isaiah foretold this when he said,
"You, O Hell, were placed in turmoil when he encountering you below."

Hell was in turmoil having been eclipsed.
Hell was in turmoil having been mocked.
Hell was in turmoil having been destroyed.
Hell was in turmoil having been abolished.
Hell was in turmoil having been made captive.

Hell grasped a corpse, and met God.
Hell seized earth, and encountered heaven.
Hell took what it saw, and was overcome by what it could not see.

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?

Christ is risen, and you are cast down!
Christ is risen, and the demons are fallen!
Christ is risen, and the angels rejoice!
Christ is risen, and life is set free!
Christ is risen, and the tomb is emptied of its dead.

For Christ, having risen from the dead,
is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Christ be glory and power forever and ever. Amen!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Is that an inspiring Easter sermon or what? And to think it was first delivered 1,600 years ago and it has been read every Easter service since then! After this sermon is read, we give the Paschal greeting in many different languages. Here are a few of them:

Arabic:
Al-Maseeh Qam!
Haqqan Qam!

Greek:
Christos Anesti!
Alithos Anesti!

Slavonic:
Christos Voskrese!
Voistinu Voskrese!

French:
Le Christ est Resucitee!
Vraiment est Resucitee!

Italian:
Cristo e Risorto!
Verito e Risorto!

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

Please, pull your pants up!

2010-04-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

OK, I am no prude but there are some things that I just do not want or need to see when I am driving through town. Today, while running errands I happened to drive past a group of 20-something year old guys, who appeared to be visiting and messing around on the front lawn. Then I saw it!!!

One guy had the waistband of his jeans hanging totally below his butt cheeks. Honest, I could see his underwear from the waistband down to his thighs. (How do they keep those jeans from falling down to their ankles?)If that was not bad enough as I was driving past the house another one of the guys was pulling his pants up, zippering them and buckling his belt. Did he just have his pants off or maybe he had them down to his knees?

What is wrong with these people? Why can't they keep their pants pulled up? Do they think it looks cool, that they are impressing the girls are something? Let's not forget to mention all the times we have driven through these neighborhoods and seen young guys walking with their hands down INSIDE the front of their pants. I just do not get it. Can someone explain to me what this is all about?

Slowly but surely, step by step...

2010-03-28T19:47:00.000-07:00

We are finally getting back on our feet. Besides recuperating from surgery, GR came down with a bad stomach virus last weekend and I caught it Tuesday so we have both been down and out this past week.

Saturday GR took some time to post a message over there-- you know, up in the right corner. Life as we know it is indeed getting back to normalcy, yes, even life in our marriage bed. My wide incision is still tender but as long as we are not having sex with GR in front of me, we are "good to go". That works for us!

It is a funny thing when you want to have sex but you physically cannot because of something like surgery. Several days before we finally did have sex I found myself reaching in the night for GR in all the right places. I was still too sick to do much of anything about it but my desire for him was there. Truth be known, after I was discharged from the hospital he exhibited more patience than I as he was afraid of hurting me. It is a good thing to be back in the saddle.

Initial post-op appointments behind us!

2010-03-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

Hello dear readers,

Today I had my first two post-op appointments with both surgeons. Word has it that I am healing nicely and on the mend. My glued-together incision wraps horizontally around three-fourths of my body so it is taking me a while to totally heal but I am getting stronger every day. For the next couple weeks I will still be dealing with my body being slightly swollen but they assure me that it will all be gone in time.

After all the medical professionals met last week over the results of GR’s surgery, 99% of them agreed that his colon cancer had only been in “stage 1” and as such, did not require any chemo. For the early detection, we are very, very thankful. Tomorrow he finally goes back to work and tomorrow I will be able to go back to driving. This past week GR has been able to do some at-home-phone-consulting while recuperating so he did not have to miss too much work. Tonight will be my first night without pain meds.

The Lenten season has flown right over our heads this year with these surgeries. Thank you for all your good thoughts and prayers for us. It has been a wild couple of months. May God continue to bless you all through the rest of Lent.

Gemma

Post-op appointments tomorrow

2010-03-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I go for my two post-op appointments with the two surgeons who operated on me. I am counting on hearing glowing reports from both of them and afterward will update here on the blog.

Post-op updates

2010-03-18T08:04:00.001-07:00

My surgery went well and the 4 hour surgery time was right on the money. The good news-- No dry heaves whatsoever. Monday evening after surgery I tried half of a serving of beef broth when I felt what seemed to be the onset of very mild, very brief nausea so I stopped sipping on the broth and the nausea left. That was a huge relief for me. Of course, even before surgery they put an anti-nausea patch on me plus fed me several different anti-nausea medications.

Yesterday afternoon I must have put on a good front because all the medical staff agreed that I was ready to go home so I was discharged. And really, by then there was precious little that they could offer me that I could not do at home.

So here I am at home, dealing with the post-op pain and discomfort. Last night I tried to sleep in bed but that only lasted about 1-2 hours. Sitting up or moving at all from a horizontal position still hurts way too much. Instead I chose to sleep in the living room on our recliner sofa. GR decided to join me. No, we have not had sex since my surgery and quite frankly, I am even surprised that the doctors allowed me to leave so soon after surgery. Originally they were talking about sending me home sometime between Thursday and Saturday.

I hurt from hip to hip and everywhere in between and I am still taking pain meds but each day the pain seems to be decreasing. GR tells me that for all of the incisions, the doctors glued me back together again. For at least 6 weeks I will need to wear a binder. I have not looked yet but sometime today I will ask GR to take the binder off so I can see exactly how I look. Oh, and it seems that I have been slightly swollen with water weight since surgery and I am not sure why. Hopefully the swelling will go down quickly.

This afternoon, GR went for his post-op appointment. The doc said that he did have two cancerous growths. One was located in the appendix and the other was in the cecum. Both were contained within the colon and had not grown outside the walls. He said there was better than 90% chance that the cancer would not reoccur. He felt that chemo would not be needed and thought the cancer should be classified as a stage 1. No cancer was found in any lymph nodes. The pathologist thought the cancer should be classified as stage 2 as she is considering the appendix and cecum as 2 separate organs. If the cancer is classified as stage 2 then chemo would be recommended. There will be a review board on Friday, tomorrow, where the doc and the pathologist will present their cases. The board will consist of surgeons, pathologists, oncologists and cancer specialists. After the review board we will know more.

Worried about getting dry heaves

2010-03-13T18:52:00.000-08:00

I don't mind admitting that I am nervous, not about my upcoming surgery but about the possible dry heaves/nausea immediately following surgery. I have a history of this so now every time I have surgery I worry. Especially when I get dry heaves I just want somebody to shoot me... take me out of my misery. My last surgery a year ago was followed by 5 freaking days of dry heaves. Can you tell I am a big baby about this?

More surgery- my turn

2010-03-12T06:37:00.000-08:00

Wednesday I was notified by the surgery scheduler that my surgery is on for next Monday, March 15 at 12:50pm. Apparently the hospital has found an available operating room. One of my surgeons will be the same one who operated both times on GR. My surgery is expected to take about 4 hours. One surgeon will begin with plastic surgery to fix things from my weight loss. Then the other surgeon will jump in to repair the two hernias. Finally in the end, the first surgeon will go back in to finish everything up. They tell me to expect to be in the hospital at least until Thursday or Friday, if not until Saturday.

GR is still recuperating and doing well from his surgery. He insisted on having sex the first night back home so I carefully kept very still so as not to hurt him while he used me as a "sex toy" ;-). It was fun for both of us. Then a couple of days later we had sex again. This time I moved a little too much and felt him quickly pull back... OUCH! "Do you want to stop?," I asked him. "No, I am just a little sore still and will need to be careful." So on we went to finish what we started!

Next Thursday GR sees his surgeon for his post-op appointment and, at that time if not sooner, he will also get results of his surgery to find out if there was cancer or not. Please think good thoughts for us all… keep your fingers and toes crossed.

Another update on GR

2010-03-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

GR was discharged this afternoon and is now home. He is doing very well since surgery, experiencing little to no pain or discomfort. Today he went back to eating real food again.

Funny note— GR is not a natural runner but 19yo pushed him in recent years to run two 5-K races with her. Consequently, he has a couple of t-shirts from participating in the races and he wore one of them while in the hospital. One nurse commented on his shirt, asking if he was a runner. Both our girls laughed and said, “NOT!!!” After that every time one of the nurses saw him walking the hospital halls they commented, “He sure is walking a lot but then, he is a runner.” The girls just thought that was so funny that all the nurses kept saying that about him.

Now we wait until next Monday or Tuesday for all the test results from his surgery. I still do not know if I will have surgery March 15 or later in April.

Post-op update

2010-03-05T17:26:00.001-08:00

Just got home about an hour ago with 19yo. Oldest dd's at the hospital with her dad for the night. She’s a night owl and she can sleep anywhere so this schedule works for both of us. Surgery went very well. Doc said there wasn’t any obvious spreading of anything looking cancerous but we’ll have to wait about a week from now to get all the lab results so that’s all I know at this point. He said everything looked good except GR's appendix was enlarged and he wasn’t sure why but he took it out.

GR was mostly sleeping when I left the hospital this evening as he was still very groggy and not making a whole lot of sense. I told him, "I could ask you for a pair of diamond earrings and you'd probably tell me "OK" and not even know it." He mumbled, "You think?" (ie, NOT!! :lol: ) Tomorrow they want him walking the halls. Doc hopes to see him able to come home by Monday. He’ll be home recuperating for 1-2 weeks before going back to work. Knowing GR, he'll try and push to come home Sunday instead. We'll see how he's doing. It will be a joint decision to decide when he gets discharged.

Tomorrow morning I go back to the hospital for the day while 23yo rests at home. Hospital lunch... blech!

UPDATE on GR's surgery

2010-03-02T16:21:00.000-08:00

We met with GR’s surgeon today. Dr. D said the biopsy from the colonoscopy was negative for cancer, however, they will still be operating just to be sure. I am still learning about all this but I will try and explain. There is a polyp at the cecum which will be removed along with the entire portion of the colon on GR’s right side… I believe that portion is called the ascending colon. That is what doc will be removing, the ascending colon. Within a few days after the surgery he will be able to tell us for sure one way or the other if it is cancer and if it is, he says there is a 5% chance that chemo will be needed. So far prognosis looks good. We are keeping our fingers and toes crossed.

Doc asked how soon we wanted to schedule GR’s surgery. We knew doc only did surgeries on Mondays and Fridays so we asked in unison, “Can you do it Friday?” We are anxious to get all this behind us. He laughed and told us that one of his Friday surgeries was canceled so he does have an opening that day. So it is on the calendar— GR goes under the knife AGAIN on Friday at 11:20. He will be in the hospital a minimum of 3 days followed by at least 1 or 2 weeks of recuperation before heading back to work. It looks like both our bodies will look like road maps when all these surgeries are done.

I am still waiting for hospital clearance for my surgery. They checked again today, still nothing. The surgery scheduler told me that we may be waiting up to 4 days before my surgery before finding out when it will be. We are shooting for March 15.

A gentle request

2010-02-26T17:01:00.000-08:00

To all my dear readers:

Thank you all for your good thoughts, wishes and prayers. I truly appreciate them all.

Just a gentle request here—

I know that all my readers mean well but there is one little thing I must ask for the sake of my sanity. We are praying and trusting God to take care of us in the midst of all this, however.... Please know that we are fully aware of God’s ability to heal GR of this cancer, however, GR and I had a horrible experience in a “faith” church 12 years ago when our then 7yodd was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. Sure we wanted her healed, what parent would not, but the thing that dragged us down and laid so much guilt on us was the constant insistence from everyone in this church that God WAS GOING TO HEAL OUR DD.... that if we prayed enough, believed enough, thought enough, spoke enough of God’s healing power.... well, by golly He would be obligated to heal her and it was all up to us.

With our dd's disease, weeks went into months, months went into years and here we are 12 years later. Could God have healed our dd? Absolutely! Did he have to heal her? No, because God is sovereign and only He decides who is healed and who is not. Did He choose to heal her? Obviously not as she is still an insulin-dependent diabetic who now wears an insulin pump. Did our lack of faith prevent her healing? Absolutely not but the whole time we were in that church GR and I were filled with guilt because we felt we were not doing enough or we were doing too much of one thing or another and God was sitting on His throne looking down on us and saying, “If you play your cards right I will heal your dd. (ie, If she is not healed, it will be your own fault.)

I understand the “faith teaching” and if any of you believe it, by all means, pray that way for us but please do not put that burden on us where if anything goes wrong and GR is not healed, God forbid, then we have to live in guilt. I cannot go through that again like we did when dd was diagnosed. For now, my emotional strength and energy needs to be used for better purposes.

Now for the good news---

I met with our FP today for my pre-op appointment. Dr. R is a wonderful man. We are so blessed in that all our doctors are not only excellent in their field of medicine but they are all of fine character. Dr. R, like several of our doctors, is a Christian. He took time today to talk with me not only about my upcoming surgery but also about GR's. On the Patient Instruction form we were sent home with yesterday, the colon doc wrote: "Small tumor in your ceeum (sp?). Looks like an early cancer which will require surgical removal." Dr. R told me today that it is common for colon cancer to form in the ceeum and it is usually fairly easy to treat.... as easy as surgery or surgery and chemo can be... so that the patients go on to live cancer-free. Our hopes and prayers are for this cancer to be treatable.

We told the girls as soon as they walked in the door yesterday evening. The problem with both of us needing surgery now--- 23yodd drives, 19yodd does not and they attend different colleges and have different school/work schedules. I am usually the one to tote 19yo back and forth. Besides that, because of 19yo's health issues we cannot at this time leave her home alone so if GR and I are at the hospital and 23yo is at school, we will have to arrange for 19yo to be with someone. I am sure we will be able to work everything out with help from 23yo and from our nearby friends.

The girls are really good about pitching in at home. They both know how to clean, do laundry and cook. Well, our 19yo is the natural cook while our 23yo is the one who prefers to bake. So I am not worried about keeping things up around here. What needs to be done, will be done. We see GR's surgeon Tuesday and will probably schedule his surgery that day or shortly after. I will update as we learn more. Again thank you all so much.

Oh, an add on---

Today I was cleared health-wise for surgery. Everything looked good. My A1c was 5.something. (Can't remember exact number.) My average blood glucose has been 100. Currently I am only doing 12 units insulin/day and regularly decreasing it as my BG keeps going down with weight loss. Doc expects I will be getting completely off insulin shortly after surgery is behind me. Both my surgeons are free to operate on March 15. Now if we can only get the hospital to shake a leg. So far they have not committed to reserve a spot for me.

Cancer diagnosis- Is there a doctor in the house?

2010-02-26T04:17:00.000-08:00

Today I have a heavy heart. A month ago when GR had labs done with his surgery we discovered that he was slightly anemic. Our FP ordered a colonoscopy which was done yesterday. This is his second one, having had one a few years ago. The results-- GR has a small tumor at the very end of his colon, on the bottom of his right side. Doc says and I quote: "looks like an early cancer which will require surgical removal". GR is seeing the surgeon Tuesday... same surgeon who did his hernia repair a month ago.... same surgeon who will be doing my hernia repair within the month. He is an excellent doctor. The plan now is to operate on GR AGAIN asap. If the cancer is still local, that will be the end of that. If not, some chemo will be required after surgery.

GR regularly donates blood. The colon doc said-- it is likely that giving blood tipped things in our favor to make the anemia more noticeable, thus easier to see the red flag. Thank God for small favors. BTW- GR's mom developed colon cancer in her 80's so we already knew it was in the genes. Now I am trying to get my surgery on the calendar within the next month while GR needs surgery as well. We have to stagger them. Both of us cannot be having surgery simultaneously. We have to take care of each other during each of our surgeries as well as taking care of our kids in the midst of all this. Obviously, GR's surgery takes priority since it is the most life-threatening.

The colon doc seemed optimistic but I am assuming that that is his job.... to report the findings in the most optimistic way possible. We need to learn all we can about the state of GR's health. Can anyone lend some advice? I prefer to know the worse case scenario and then the probable outcome which I am sure is better, just so I can realistically deal with this and so we can keep our kids informed along the way. I am sure the surgeon will completely fill us in on Tuesday so I am just searching for answers until then.

Folks, I cannot end this without saying two things here.

1) Do not avoid checkups and doc appointments when you think or know that something is not right. GR waited 2 months before telling me he knew he had a hernia. We could have been doing all this 2 months ago. And yes, I confess that after we got home yesterday I fussed at him a bit before I told him, "I love you." I made him promise--- No more secrets about health issues. When we even suspect that something is not right, we need to bring it up immediately.

2) This is exactly why you always hear me say, "In your marriage bed and in your marriage in general, each day treat your spouse as if it will be your last day together because we are not promised our tomorrows."

As always prayers are appreciated, my friends. Thank you all!

Our life keeps spinning and spinning and spinning...

2010-02-19T13:03:00.000-08:00

I must sound like a broken record when I repeatedly comment on how a good marriage bed takes effort and commitment. GR just had his surgery so we took some time to get him back on his feet. Then as life would have it he got sick with a virus or something, totally apart from the surgery. He is rarely sick but he felt so poorly that he had to stay home on one of his work days. He seems to be back in rare form but... now we are gearing up for my surgery. His was "out-patient" so his recuperation period was simple and quick. Mine will be major surgery, orchestrated by two surgeons so naturally my recuperation period will be more extensive.

In the meantime, GR and I are getting in as much sex as we possibly can leading up to my surgery date which seems like it will be either on March 15th or April 12th. It is always wonderful when we are free to enjoy a good romp both mornings and nights like we are able to do now. Often I wake during the night; GR does too. When we do wake up we make a habit of caressing each other. Sometimes it leads to sex, other times it just keeps us physically connected until the next time we do have sex because we both love to be touched.

Enjoy your moments together. Sleep nude if you can. Snuggle when you are not having sex and have sex when you are not snuggling. It just breaks my heart when I hear spouses say, "It is too hard to have frequent sex. We have so many commitments." Do not allow the busyness of life to cut into your times of intimacy. Treasure each day in your marriage bed as if it is your last after all, we are not promised our tomorrows. None of us know when our last day will be so assume it is today and make every moment count.

A Glimpse Into My Past

2010-02-16T13:13:00.000-08:00

One of my readers recently asked me to elaborate on how my past as a promiscuous single affected my marriage, both during my refusing years and also since I have been totally healed. I took the liberty of posting this reader’s questions here along with my response.

The reader asked:
“Do you think the beautifully sexual relationship you two now share has more than "made up" for those painful 25 years? Even if you haven't, I'm sure both of you will continue to pursue "making up" for it, as often as possible.”

Well, that is certainly an interesting way of putting it but to be honest--- If we were trying to make up for the painful past… I mean, how can you make up for it? What could we possibly do today and tomorrow which would erase the yesterdays? The idea of pursuing a great marriage bed now in order to make up for the past is not even remotely in our thinking.... so I do not even "go there". It would be a depressing, self-defeating thought. We live today and tomorrow to make our present and future the best it can be… period!

Then the reader said:
“I'd like to see if you can go into a bit more detail over how your promiscuity hurt your married sex life in a later entry. It's a common stereotype that a promiscuous woman in a relationship will be as "generous" after the vows are exchanged, so maybe a little more detail on your story there could help derail that silly notion.”

I believe I have talked about this a number of times both on a marriage forum and on my blog but I will touch on it again here. First of all, it is no longer a stereotype that a promiscuous woman will instantly and forever be a sexually generous wife. That is just an old myth as far as I am concerned. Contrary to that myth, too many times I have read about women who slept around a lot as a single. Then they married and vowed to remain true to their spouse but before they knew it, they were refusing sex because of the guilt that they carried around with them. That common scenario is the more typical stereotype. So yes, the idea that “promiscuous women turn into sexually generous wives” is a totally untrue notion.

While single I lived as a whore for a number of years. It did not matter to me if I flirted and slept with single men or those who were married. I enjoyed them all, falsely believing that the married ones were wrecking their marriages all on their own… that if they were not sleeping with me, they would be sleeping with someone else other than their wives. That was my reasoning, my excuse to continue the lifestyle until just before meeting my soon-to-be-husband.

GR and I both grew up as Roman Catholics. In a time period of less than a year-- we met, married and began attending a Protestant Church together. As soon as we started going to church and "got saved” in Protestant fashion our marriage bed began to fall apart. Ironic--- Here we were thinking our souls were being saved for the first time while simultaneously our marriage bed was slowly spiraling downward in destruction.

As we began that Christian walk, reading our bibles and hearing the Word taught and preached, the whole idea of having sex, quickly became dirty and sinful to me. In my mind I could not separate sex as I used it in my single days from having sex with my husband. It all blended together as I disassociated myself from being a sexual being in a foolish attempt to avoid the guilty thoughts.

Marital sex was never mentioned in our churches back then so of course going to the pastor for help was the furthest thing from my mind. Remember- Sex was dirty to me so I felt that to reveal my whorish past and my present sexual refusal, would have caused the pastor to see me as a dirty, sinful person.

The cultish churches we were in back then did not help our situation. Yes, looking back we now know that they were, indeed, cults. Three years into our marriage GR and I were being “groomed” for church leadership. This was the way they "hooked" people in and got them to stay. By the time we were married for 4-5 years we were involved in a number of leadership ministries. To admit that I had a serious problem with my marriage bed was a sure way of getting booted out of leadership and I was not going to let that happen if I could help it. I had an image to keep up. Yes, “pride” was my guiding force; pride was my god.

Any time a person turns from a sinful life there is a process of emotional healing which must take place in order for them to become healthy, whole and free from guilt. If you try to “stuff it” it will only come back later with a vengeance to bite you. This is part of where my thinking got screwed up. When we "got saved” we were constantly being reminded, “Your past is forgiven. God will never bring it up again so do not look back anymore; only look ahead.” What they neglected to tell us and what I was too young and dumb to know is that we do not instantly forgive ourselves, the baggage does not just disappear when God forgives us. We have to be proactive to work through it.

Incidentally, this is a big part of why GR and I no longer subscribe to the doctrine of instantaneous salvation. In Protestant circles people say, “I got saved on October 10, 1989,” as if on that single day they went from being an emotionally crippled heathen to becoming a perfectly healthy Christian. But the point in my life when I began to heal was actually much later on when I learned to view Christianity as a journey which would take my entire life to complete. In the year 2000 when I realized that I had “not arrived” as a wife it gave me new understanding-- I had to change in a huge way before I could even begin to be the wife GR needed. Sure I could say, “I got saved in the year 2000," ...the year we became Orthodox Christians, the year I began to heal, but that year only marked the beginning of a slow healing process.

Here is something I learned on my journey and it may be common sense to some of you or perhaps you do not believe this the way GR and I do. Getting saved or, in my case-- becoming an Orthodox Christian, makes us a "new creature" but what exactly does that mean? It DOES NOT mean that we instantly become healthy and whole or that we become better than those who do not trust in God. If it is a "genuine" conversion it only means that from now on God will make us more aware of our short-comings and make us more accountable than we have ever been. If it is a genuine conversion we allow the Holy Spirit to sweep in every dirty room and in every dark corner of our life. Sin and pride can no longer take residence in our life when we become a new creature in Christ. That is not to say that we stop sinning but we no longer LIVE in sin. There is a difference.

We cannot ignore our emotional baggage or ignore current or future emotional issues, going on the false assumption that we get saved, God snaps his fingers and BAM… we are instantly healed of everything, that we have no reason to seek help. Those who do ignore their issues only prolong their healing.

So this guilt I was carrying set the stage for an emotionally and sexually crippling marriage. It went on for about 20 years while we were in churches which repeatedly preached the message—“… cleansed by the blood, by His stripes you ARE healed”. Those who dared to say, “But I still need help,” or “I need to see a professional,” were told that they lacked faith to believe that God had already healed them. The rule was--- If you had faith, you did not need outside help so you suffered silently. If you needed help, you lacked faith to fully trust God and was labeled as an immature Christian (ie, one of the signs of a cult).

Those were the most difficult, painful years of our Christian walk and hence, in our marriage bed. I compare those years to folks who say, "I would NEVER want to go back to my painful teenage years." There were other factors which also contributed to my refusing. Most of them are listed in the right side bar in the article entitled “About Me” so you can see them there.

Happy anniversary to us, happy anniversary to us! (sung to birthday song)

2010-02-14T07:01:00.001-08:00

Yes folks, today is our 29th wedding anniversary. We have been sort of celebrating it all weekend, iykwim. Then last night we went on a date. GR and I had dinner at a local, family owned Italian restaurant. We made a quick pit stop at Bed, Bath & Beyond to pick up an item. From there we hit the theater to see "Crazy Heart" starring Maggie Gyllenhaal who played Lee in the film "Secretary", Jeff Bridges and James Keane. All in all it was a great evening except.... We found good seats on the top row 30 minutes before the movie started and everything was looking good as folks slowly filed in, however, before we knew it the place was packed. It ended up being a full house and we had people jammed below us and on both sides. Privacy went out the window :-( but the movie was great, we loved the music in it and we were still able to cop a few discreet feels despite the crowd ;-).

New Math: 1 plus 2/3 equals 2???

2010-02-03T04:33:00.001-08:00

Realizing that this does occur in some marriages, do we frequently hear or read about a spouse openly withholding emotional love? ...or even verbalizing it by saying, "I want to stay married to you but do not expect me to meet your emotional needs as a spouse. It is just not in me and it is not important to our relationship. If your emotional needs are more than I can fulfill, you can get a dog."

How often does a spouse who is a professing Christian say, "I do not think that God minds if I am rarely in the mood to be spiritually united with you so we can just not be concerned about it. God will not mind because I am a generally good person. Do you need more spirituality than what we have? Just go pray more or lower your spiritual expectations. Don't ask me to raise mine.”

How common is it to hear about a married person entering the marriage with no intention of being sexually generous? Or at some point in the marriage they become sexually selfish and think or say, “No biggie. It is just sex. I will decide when and how the gate opens and you can just adjust to what I decide. This works for me! Look at how well I do all these other things. You can let me slide on this one thing.”

Sometimes in my head I compare this to an employee who in their work place has maybe 6 responsibilities given to them by their employer. But the employee takes it upon himself to pick and choose which responsibilities he will carry out and which he will ignore. His boss then asks him, “What is up with that? I really like you. You seem to be a good person but I gave you 6 duties to regularly carry out and you have only been doing 2 of them. For our working relationship to be successful I need for you to do all 6. And the employee tells him, “I am doing 2 of the 6. I stay busy. It is not like I am not doing anything. Look at the excellent work I give you with these 2 duties. I do not see why you are dissatisfied with my work. Why are you complaining? Perhaps your expectations are too high.”

If you were the employer how would that attitude fly by you? On a scale of 0 to 10 with 0 being “poor rating” and 10 being “excellent” how would you evaluate this employee? If they refused to comply with your requests would you keep them on and hope that they change or would you send them on their way?

Do we too often separate the components of a healthy marriage relationship? And if we do, which one or ones typically get left out and why? How do we justify offering two-thirds or even half of ourselves to the marriage table? Can you think of any other relationship where this would be acceptable or even tolerated? Sure, none of us are perfect but should we not be rigorously working on all areas of our marriage and working on them throughout our entire marriage? Was there anything in your wedding vows which allows for us to be partial spouses rather than whole ones? Is there ever a time when “1 plus 2/3's can equal 2”?

I can tell.. (Edited to add...)

2010-01-31T06:44:00.000-08:00

Question-
How do you tell when your spouse is on the mend after surgery?

Answer-
They are on the mend when they are frisky with their hands during the night in spite of the fact that they are still WAY too sore for sex.

GR is doing well, I can tell ;-)...

Edited to add:

He's got me beat! After my surgery last year I believe it took me 4-5 days before I could enjoy PIV-IC. GR's surgery was Fri evening. Last night, 2 nights later, he insisted that we have PIV-IC. I kept questioning him over and over but he was persistent so I gave in. Each of us ended up with two O's. I was surprised that he had two so soon after surgery. What can I say? My man amazes me, totally amazes me.

Ice Bag Bust

2010-01-30T09:45:00.000-08:00

You know what is really stupid? Those hospital issued ice bags! When they send you home with an ice bag and tell you to use it every couple of hours, do not use it in bed while you are trying to sleep.

This morning I woke up around 3am to hear GR moaning and when I ask what is wrong, in a dismayed tone he says, "The fastener came off the ice bag." Soon as the words came out of his mouth I feel something cold coming at me on the bed. He is slowing getting up to grab his bath towel to soak up some of the water, I jump up and turn on the lamp to see this nice little lake of mostly ice water with a few tiny ice cubes in the mix. Of course when this happened most of the ice had already melted. Grrrrr..... What idiot designed these fasteners? I mean, it took two of us about ten minutes just to figure out how to open and close it. Then GR needs it in bed and the darn thing pops open.

He decided to go downstairs and rest in the recliner. I went down with him and stayed for about an hour, making sure he had what he needed--- food, water, house phone, cell phone, meds, etc. After that I was still pooped from yesterday so I went back upstairs to see if my side of the bed had been salvaged from the flood. Indeed, it had been so I was able to crawl back under the covers on my side and I got some more sleep. What is it about sitting around hospitals that takes so much out of a person?

Woke up around 10am this morning to daughters baking muffins and bacon in the oven, coffee already brewed, GR enjoying his favorite- the military channel. He has not wanted/needed pain meds yet today. I gave him a better ice bag-- gallon Ziplock freezer bag. Works like a charm. All is well...

GR is broken!

2010-01-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Not a terrible need here but GR is broken. He is having outpatient hernia repair done on Friday afternoon. Please think good thoughts for us that day.

And yes, I am waiting for insurance approval for major surgery to repair my 2 hernias and to finish things up after all my weight loss. My surgery will be done by the same hernia specialist who is doing GR's surgery plus I will have a plastic surgeon doing some work on me at the same time. (I am getting a "two-for".)

Our girls have been asking us, "Are you sure hernias are not contagious?"

Edited to add:

Surprise, surprise! Not one hernia but two! All repairs successful. GR resting comfortably after the girls and I had to practically twist his arm to get him to take a Vicodin after we got home.

"No Over-analyzing" Zone!

2010-01-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

At another website I frequent, I often see people debating whether or not a sexual activity is “sin” and they argue their points over and over and over and over and over and over….well, it gets run into the ground with all the arguments back and forth. (People do not have better things to do with their time than to constantly be searching for "sin" in everything?) I just don’t “get it” what they find in all the debating. Just today I made a comment about the “over-analyzing” and one of the debaters was put out by those of us who were trying to say, “Enough already!”

The discussion innocently began with a poster expressing his urges in wanting to lightly spank his wife’s bottom during sex. He also wanted to know if other husbands had similar urges and if other wives enjoyed being spanked. Next thing you know several folks were furiously debating about whether or not marriage bed spanking was “sin”. Questions were flying back and forth— Is it “sin” if it is hard spanking? If it physically hurts the person being spanked, is that "sin"? What if the spanking leaves a mark? Is that “sin”? Is it "sin" if you are role-playing and pretending the one being spanked was naughty? And so on and so forth……

Is it just me or is much of that debating really just overkill? Below, you can read what I said in reply.

“I'm not uncomfortable in the least with you guys over-analyzing this topic. My comment was really only in reference to myself. For a number of years my dh and I were in church's where hunting down demons and tearing everything apart in search of sin was the favorite past time. Don't get me wrong-- I hate sin as much as the next Christian but I no longer spend the bulk of my time searching everywhere for it. BTDT, don't want to go down that road again. There is a balance I like to keep between enjoying life vs. a need to over-analyze everything in search of sin. And really when you think about it-- Anything we do to excess can become sin in our lives. We can idolize scripture and even that can become sin if we love it more than we love God. We are to keep our priorities in order and practice moderation in all things.”

Comments? Questions? And remember, the rule here is:
NO OVER-ANALYZING ;-)!

Allowing the Past to Ruin our Present and Future

2010-01-20T07:09:00.001-08:00

Often I hear husbands and occasionally wives share how the wives have difficulty in the marriage bed because of guilt over premarital sex they had either with the husband or with other men. Many wives cannot seem to shake the guilt even after they marry. It is as if they feel a need to spend the rest of their lives in “penance” because of what they have done.

The other day while scanning through Intimate Issues by Dillow & Pintus I came across a passage which I had not read in a while where they address this very thing—“guilt of past sexual sin”. I read it and thought, “How many wives have memories of past sexual sin regularly plaguing their minds, preventing them from enjoying sex and preventing them and their husband from having a healthy marriage bed?” If this was a poll I dare say that many of us would be shocked.

In Chapter 8 of Intimate Issues, Dillow & Pintus have a list of “guilt indicator” questions which could be useful for those dealing with unresolved guilt from past sexual sin. I have included the questions below. If you feel that you or your spouse could easily answer “yes” for any of these questions, take some time to discuss them together. This type of guilt is not usually resolved overnight but do allow these questions to help you begin on a journey of healing.

If you or your spouse have been battling with guilt from premarital sexual sin, please be proactive by reading the book and/or getting professional help. Do not continue allowing your past to prevent you from enjoying your marriage bed. You can learn how to deal with the guilt, put it permanently behind you and then move on to better things.

The questions from Intimate Issues:

*Do you believe sex with your husband can be exciting and wonderful, but don’t give yourself permission to enjoy it because you feel guilty about things you did in the past?

*Did you feel ashamed walking down the wedding aisle in front of your family wearing white?

*Was your first night together as husband and wife a disappointment because you knew each other too well?

*Do you ever feel angry at yourself or your husband because you compromised your sexual boundaries?

*Do you fantasize about other men while you are making love with your husband and feel remorse that what’s going on in your head is more exciting than what’s going on in your bed?

*Do you sometimes feel incomplete because you gave part of yourself to other men through sexual intercourse or intimate touching?

*Do you frequently feel sex is overrated, that you could get by fine without it?

Oh, how weird!

2010-01-14T07:01:00.000-08:00

GR was out of town last night on business. I always sleep nude when he is home but when he is away on business I wear a nightgown because.... I get cold without him being there in the bed with me. I woke up this morning to find my nightgown on the floor and don't even remember taking it off. Perhaps I had a dream but if I did, I sure do not remember it. Weird....

Ever find yourself in weird situations?

Ask Gemma'sRavisher (GR)

2010-01-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

Gemma has been after me for some time to show my face on her blog. Well, here I am! Why have I not been here sooner? Good question. A tight bedroom schedule with a certain little lady we all know and a busy work schedule has been eating up all my time. But today Gemma cornered me again and pressed hard so I finally relented. (I try to keep her happy.)

The last three years have been the hottest years of our entire marriage. My own attitude changed through the years but then Gemma did a complete turn-around in December 2006 and our marriage bed was restored. Most of you know the story, I think. Since then we have only moved forward in our relationship not bothering to look back and dwell on the horrible past, but choosing instead to focus on the present and our future together.

What do I hope to do here on Gemma's blog? I hope to learn a few things from others and to be available once or twice a month to offer helpful comments or advice to anyone who might need it. Do not feel like I will have all the answers because I will not, but maybe my age and experience can benefit some of you.

Please be patient with my replies since I cannot always be here but I will do my best. Typically, I will drop in here on the weekends. Any comments? Questions? At this time I do not have a separate gmail account so just post your comments here or if you would rather send them more privately, email them to Gemma's addy and she will see that I get them.

Ahhhhhh...

2010-01-07T04:31:00.000-08:00

In spite of the fact that I am occasionally cold when outdoors, I really do like cold winters. Is anyone else out there enjoying their marriage bed in this freezing cold weather? There is nothing like having your house temp around 65-67 degrees at night (or colder, for you brave folks), stripping down to the buff, diving underneath the sheet, the blanket and your down comforter, and then snuggling up to your nude spouse for a bit before enjoying a sexual romp in the bed. Ahhhhh.... Now I ask you-- How can that NOT get you in the mood? ;-)

On and on and on and on and on.....

2010-01-02T22:47:00.000-08:00

I am in a daze. Yesterday, when GR and I had sex he O'd twice which is not unusual for him but when I O'd it went on and on and on and on and on and on.... I did not think it would ever end and when it finally did end I asked him, "How long did my O last?" I knew it had gone on for a while but I had no concept of time in the midst of it, you know? He told me, "It lasted for about 15 minutes!" Whoa.... I am still in shock!!!

Did you or your spouse ever have an O go on that way?

New Year Resolutions

2009-12-30T09:37:00.000-08:00

This time of the year people often talk about New Year resolutions. In a way it is sort of like praying except resolutions are only made at the beginning of the new year. Typically New Year resolutions are things that we either need to be doing or things that we need to cease doing to make ourselves a better person. For it to be effective we have to be truly honest when choosing a resolution which requires our attention. When you think about it, prayer should also be this way but often times folks only pray about what they feel like changing in their life rather than what they should change or they pray, "God change ------ (so and so)."

Following a quick search, I found a few articles on this topic so I have posted them below. Have you ever had New Year resolutions pertaining to your marriage bed? If so, what have they been? Did you and your spouse stick to them? Why or why not?

Resolve To Improve Your Marriage

How To Keep New Year’s Resolutions For A Better Marriage

New Years Love Resolutions For Happy Relationships

A New Year's Resolution For A Better Marriage

On New Year's Day we could all start with a fresh, clean slate and resolve to have the most passionate marriage bed ever. Try keeping a copy of your marriage bed resolutions in a prominent spot in the bedroom where it can always be seen and then read it together once or twice a month to help you and your spouse stay true to your goals. You could place it in a clear page protector and fasten it to the bedroom door like hotel room fire escape routes ;-). You can call it the "Unhealthy Marriage Bed Escape Route".

Christ is born, glorify Him!

2009-12-27T09:56:00.000-08:00

In case anyone is wondering or cares--- I am enjoying some down time with my husband and kids. GR goes back to work tomorrow and then has another few days off for the New Year's holiday. The kids will be off from college for a couple more weeks. Tomorrow or Tuesday I will likely be back here in full swing.

Christ is born, glorify Him!

Boots, boots! The more you have, the more you want!

2009-12-16T18:36:00.000-08:00

I had to edit the article I wrote about my boots. Now I have six pairs. I wanted a pair of short black boots which would be more casual and comfortable than my black ankle boots with the silver buttons but would be a little nicer and not so warm for indoor use than my UGG's. Last week I got a pair of short black biker boots. They fit the bill perfectly. I think I am hopelessly addicted to boots but..... GR also loves when I wear them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From my original article on "boots"---

Do I have a boot fetish or something going on or is this normal? I had one pair of boots purchased a couple of years ago but since this past August I have purchased five more pairs. Now keep in mind, we live in a climate where boots are well used three seasons of the year. Please tell me that I am not a sicko with a boot fetish, please??? (I am not taking food off the table from my family, honest.)

In August I bought a pair of black ankle boots trimmed with silver buttons.

Then from the end of September until now in a little over a month's time, I purchased:

A pair of knee high black boots. My black knee highs have been discontinued so this is not an actual photo of my boots. Mine have the two buckles but they are black with lower heels.

A pair of dark brown, ankle length, western boots

And a pair of red, mid-calf height, western boots . (Ooh... these red beauties just arrived in shipping. They are more hot IRL than they are online!)

I have had my snow boots, my black, Ultimate Short UGG’s, for a couple of years now.

Keeping the marriage bed alive during Christmas season

2009-12-15T15:59:00.001-08:00

Saturday evening GR and I enjoyed a wonderful evening at a hotel for his company Christmas dinner followed by a night's stay there. We do this each year in December. It was a nice break from our current crazy routine. Sex at night, sex in the morning.... Late morning we checked out of the room, stopped at Starbucks for coffee and then enjoyed a movie at the theater before heading back home.

Do take time for your marriage and for your marriage bed during the Christmas season. Do not let it fall to the wayside.