Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sexual confidence says, "I know God made me beautiful and I refuse to hide it."

As a 54yo wife, married to a 60yo husband, I view sexual confidence to be a crucial part of my life. We take what God gives us in physical features, and then make ourselves the absolute best we can possibly be, with fitness, weight, hair, skin, jewelry, clothing, boots... Wait, did I say boots? Sorry, that was a slip... says the lady with a boot fetish. We can choose to enhance God's handiwork, or make things worse.

When I was much younger, in my 30s and 40s, I didn't care as much about how I dress. Now, even when stepping outside my home to run errands, I do my best to look nice. What works for me- I've developed a comfortable dress style that I think is sensual without being immodest. I love dresses or skirts and leggings, paired with tops that have flattering necklines. Otherwise, I wear good-fitting skinny jeans or capris with a nice top. The right shoes, jewelry, hair style and skin care are all equally as important when I go out. It shouldn't take a lot of time to look nice before you head out the door to run errands. I wear very little, usually no makeup, which saves me time. A sun screen moisturizer does it for me. After a quick shower, I can throw myself together in 15 minutes or less, and be ready to fly.

As a people watcher, I do take notice of men and women when I'm out and about. When I see a woman dressed sloppy/dumpy, I feel sorry for her because I think, Damn, she's not an ugly duckling. Why doesn't she take a little time to spruce up a bit before heading out of her home? That's a large part of being confident. If I'm dressed sloppy, how can I feel sexually confident? I can't and I usually see that lack of confidence in women who dress sloppy.

Just this morning after having sex, we were in each others' arms and husband gave me this dreamy look and said, "You're beautiful." When he says that, I usually reply with a simple, "Thank you,” because my sexual confidence causes me to believe him. I would never tell him, "No, I'm not," because I would be calling him a liar.

Sexual confidence is something that we must draw from within. Anyone can develop confidence if they choose to do so. Pride and confidence are two different things so don't confuse the two. Pride can result in a downfall but confidence is to be attained. Confidence is what makes each woman beautifully unique and, yes, attractive. Confidence says, "I know God made me beautiful and I refuse to hide it."

I could go on but I'll stop here. Wives, what do you do to build up and maintain sexual confidence? Husbands, how do you contribute to your wife's confidence? Comments?


mr. self respect said...

But there's a real fine line, Gemma. There's not much difference between sexual confidence on one hand, and vanity/immodesty, on the other. It can be real tough, to separate the two.

What might be "sexually confident" to one person, may be totally immodest to another. It really does boil down to the perceptions of those around us. We have to understand the effects of those around us. If we dress immodestly, and cause lust to other people, then that is sinful - even if we consider it "sexually confident."

Laura said...

I think I needed to hear t his today. Thank you. :]

Gemma said...

Mr. SR,

Did you read my entire article? The line is not all that fine. It's very easy to separate the two. I made a deliberate distinction between relying on "pride" or like you call it- vanity/immodesty... and possessing "sexual confidence."

If I possess sexual confidence and another person interprets it as me being immodest, then they have a problem. A woman can dress sensually without being immodest. I do it all the time. It's why I wear leggings to cover my thighs when I wear a dress that ends above my knees. The total look is sensual but nothing is showing that shouldn't be. There is no immodesty going on there.

Again, go back and read my article. Nowhere in it, do I promote dressing immodestly. Perhaps I missed something in your comment?

Gemma said...

And when I say 'dresses that end above my knee' I'm not talking about mini-skirts. I don't wear mini-skirts. It's just dresses or skirts that end above my knee rather than below it.

Gemma said...

Laura, you are quite welcome. Enjoy the handiwork which God has created with you.

Anonymous said...

"When I see a woman dressed sloppy/dumpy, I feel sorry for her...

If I'm dressed sloppy, how can I feel sexually confident? I can't and I usually see that lack of confidence in women who dress sloppy."

What is true for you may not be true for others. I think it is wrong to make assumptions about others based on the way they dress.

Gemma said...

Anon, of the women I see dressed sloppy, a majority of them do exhibit a lack of sexual confidence, which can often be seen in their face, their posture, the way they walk, etc... without even looking at their clothing.

The clothing is only the wrapping on the package. I'm not talking about wearing dressy clothes vs. wearing casual outfits. Rather, I'm talking about dressing to look nice vs. dressing sloppy like you don't give a darn how you look.

The way people dress, is a reflection of how they see themselves.

Jess said...

Here is my struggle. I feel beautiful, confident, sexy. I am in my early 30's and a size 4. I had a breast lift after nursing my 3 babies.

I wear clothing that accentuates my figure, we go to a 'normal' church in Texas - and I would say I dress sexier than most, but not the sexiest. I don't mind cleavage showing a tiny bit a church, more on a daily basis.

However, my husband basically thinks if I'm not dressing with everything short & tight & plunging then I must not be confident.

I struggle with maintaining a good self-image in our implant & photoshopped society, not saying there aren't struggles. But how do I maintain my confidence when my husband basically only sees 'pushing the line' as confident.


Gemma said...


It seems that both you and dh may have distorted views of how "sexual confidence" should look.

Sexual confidence is NOT-

-wearing a tiny clothing size
-having large perky breasts
-wearing mini-skirts
-wearing tight clothing
-wearing plunging necklines
-being photo-shopped

Sexual confidence MUST come from within. Have you ever discussed this with your dh... I mean, the two of you sitting down, hashing out your different opinions, and then coming to some agreement on how you should dress in public. And keep in mind, how you dress for dh in the privacy of your home can 'push the line', even if you dress more modestly in public. I wear things in our bedroom that I'd never wear in public but then... when I'm in public I'm not afraid to dress in a sensual way, while maintaining a decent level of modesty. IOW- Dressing like a slut in public has nothing at all to do with "sexual confidence."

Anonymous said...

"of the women I see dressed sloppy, a majority of them do exhibit a lack of sexual confidence, which can often be seen in their face, their posture, the way they walk, etc... without even looking at their clothing."

You are attempting to judge another person's heart by the way they look and you may not be correct.

You said it yourself:

"Sexual confidence is something that we must draw from within."

Gemma said...

Many of us can look at another person and pick up these things from facial expressions, posture, and the way they walk.

Others may disagree but I don't think I am judging. It would be different if I was looking at someone and calling them 'a sinner'. But if I look at a person and observe that they don't feel well, does that mean I am judging them?

You'll have to show me how I am being judgmental because I don't see it that way.

Anonymous said...

Judge = draw conclusions about or form an opinion on.

To someone very wealthy, your "comfortable dress style" might be seen as sloppy. Would you want them drawing conclusions about your sexual life(or any other part of your life) based on their opinion of the way you dress or look?

And by saying that you feel sorry for someone dressed (in your opinion) sloppy or dumpy, you really are being judgmental if you are you thinking, "Oh how sad. They don't have the sexual confidence that I have."

I don't disagree with you at all about the importance of sexual confidence. I'm just saying that you can't always see it in others because like you said, it comes from within.

Gemma said...

So you're saying that if I see someone and come to the conclusion that they probably don't feel well... I am judging them?
If I see someone and feel they probably lack confidence... I am judging them?
If a pastor feels one of his church member lacks trust in God... is he also judging?

And apart from that, when I'm around others, they can draw all the conclusions they want about me. Why should that bother me? I don't even understand that comment.

And another thing- When I see someone who is lacking in anything that might help them... the last thing I would think is, "I'm better than them." That's just wrong thinking.

I don't believe I said you can "always" see it but do believe you can "often" see it.

Anonymous said...

I think you are missing my point which is:

Don't judge a book by its cover.

You said: I'm talking about dressing to look nice vs. dressing sloppy like you don't give a darn how you look."

One person's "dressing to look nice" might be another person's "sloppy".

Gemma said...

I think I did get your point. I just don't agree with it.

Anonymous said...

If you pass me on the street today wearing jeans and a t-shirt, sneakers and no jewelry, don't feel sorry for me because I had some rockin' sex last night and again this morning and I feel great.

Gemma said...

Anon, I probably wouldn't feel sorry for you because you would likely be exhibiting sexual confidence. Yes, no? Why would I feel sorry for you? If you're sexually confident and feeling great, it shows. And btw- Jeans and a T can be sexy if worn and fit right.

I don't think you were understanding what I was saying. Not everyone in jeans and a T lack sexual confidence. But those that I see who do lack sexual confidence, are usually dressed either dumpy or frumpy.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 2
Can this sexual confidence, How you are dressed, etc., apply to men as well as women? By the way, I enjoy your blog.

Odo said...

Gemma, I notice the same things you do. It's sad when men and women dress like they don't care. And you can tell if it's a coincidence or not. Chronic sloppiness is visible. One time sloppiness shows too. Yes, my wife and I give each other "strokes" often. For my part, I often give her a strong hug and say, "my beautiful lady"/"my special Love". And I many times tell her, "you have such a lovely bum!" and take every opportunity to give her bum a gentle, discrete (or not so discrete when we're alone) squeeze in interesting places. Ahem. Oh, and I tell her, too, that "I really like, what you do for that pair of jeans!" And as often as possible, 10 second+ kisses. Accompanied by suitable strategic squeezes. And she gives me like encouragements in return. We do what we can as we approach our 60s, my wife turns 60 this year, me, 65 next week. Argh. But we use what we have. Very much in love and we speak/show it to each other often. Making love is unfortunately limited by energy (my 12 hr work schedule) and...pharmaceutical augmentation necessities.

Mark 9:24 said...

Years ago a "church lady" asked my wife if I thought women should wear pants.
She told her her, "Only of they look good". :-)


Anonymous said...

I think we have to give people the benefit of the doubt. I am normally immaculately groomed and have lovely clothes. But the other day, I had a headache and felt nauseous but had to go out for a short while to the mall - and believe me, I didn't care one bit that I wasn't as tidy as usual and I doubt I looked anywhere near my best. Due to the way I was feeling I didn't care one jot what anyone thought either. That's confidence ;-). I'm in a sexless marriage but I still have sexual confidence even though I don't get it from my husband or any other man. I know I could be a great lover for someone as I'm creative and want to please so I have sexual confidence even if it's going to waste.

Anonymous said...

Sexual confidence is all in the attitude.

It carries with it the idea that a person is willing to have sex and looks forward to it in a positive way. It means a sense of adventure--maybe not swinging from the chandelier, but variety in position, setting, and activity. It means placing sex in its proper priority, and not being afraid or ashamed of what other people think. It also carries the idea of propriety and discretion. It is no secret that married people have sex. It is nobody's business what that looks like. A sexually confident person does not need to brag about the exploits.


Anonymous said...

Anon on ice again-

OK this is somewhat on this topic and somewhat off- My wife is introverted and will not give feedback on what she enjoys sexually. She will not kiss, she seldom dresses sexually confident (In or out of the bedroom) and this frustrates me to know end. I want to be here lover- her ultimate lover and I can't because she does not offer feedback. If we have sex perhaps 1-2 times a month she climaxes and participates. The rest of the month she basically lays there and lets me finish. The let me finish approach frustrates me to know end. Yes we have talked to the counselor about this.

So, a word to the ladies- this causes me (I may be representative of the your husband) to a) doubt my sexual confidence b) doubt that my wife enjoys my sexual touch. c) causes the occasional looking at pornography for pleasure and instruction. and d) walking to the edge of having an affair with the easily available partners at my disposal.

If you have a wife (as I do) that offers little to know feedback it DOES cause you to try to find ways to figure out how to please her which means looking at porn and other ways. Ideally, we could experiment together in a fluid relationship that helps us grow without me wandering- sadly what choice do I have with a non communicative wife?

Is she simply non sexual or not interested in me?

Should I try to introduce porn to my wife to spark her sexual interest? She feels it is awful and evil. However if we have watched a somewhat riske movie she certainly does get turned on. So, of course I know that works so i try to watch r or ma movies with her which bothers her- but what am I to do. The only things I know work are touching myself in front of her and some borderline porn movies. If I touch myself to get her going she feels I am just in it for myself which is not the case. I would like NOTHING less than to only please her. I would love her to take complete control and even dominate me and be highly bossy or instructional- but she will not.

Have I caused this situation by pressure as she says?

Any help is continued to be cherished.

Anon on ice.

Tom Joad said...

Some women dress nicely to go to work or to church or to see their friends but the second they come home they turn into Oscar Madison. One of the primary non verbal ways a woman tells her husband what she really thinks of him is by the way she presents herself around him. If she comes home and puts on the same sour smelling ill fitting cast offs she has been wearing around the house for a week she is telling her husband I really don't care much about you.

Anonymous said...

I know this is off-topic but I feel the need to reply to @Anon on Ice.

I know it seems to help, but please don't use porn! Porn seems to work, but think of it kind of like a laxative.

A laxative stimulates the intestinal system, but not in the way it was created to work. What has been seen to happen is that the user needs larger and larger doses for the same effect, sometimes to the point that they can't eliminate without using it.

In the same way, porn stimulates the sexual "system" in a way other than the way it was created to work. Very often, it requires stronger and stronger "doses" until eventually, the user finds that their ability to respond sexually on is dependent on their use of porn.