Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My spouse would NEVER talk to someone about our marriage bed!

Here is a clip showing sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, interviewing a couple whose 14 year marriage was in crisis mode.

I talk to dozens and dozens of individuals whose marriage bed has been in crisis for years, often for decades. One comment I hear repeatedly whenever I suggest seeing a therapist, "My spouse would NEVER talk to someone about this." Why is it that the very thing which could bring their marriage bed to a healthier place, is the thing they most avoid? I often compare it to a person with a cancer diagnosis who tells their spouse, “Yes, I have cancer but I am just not comfortable discussing it with a doctor so I will not go in for treatment.” Kind of dumb, huh?

A large part of the hesitation, I think, is a simple fear of the unknown… that and unfounded embarrassment. (ie, Sex therapists have heard it all. You cannot freak them out.) For those of us who are Christians- We can learn to trust God and have faith that He will help us push past the fear so that we can work on resolving the marriage bed issues. We read scriptures all the time pertaining to faith and trust in God. Here is an opportunity to put into practice what we read and put into practice what we say we believe.

Please watch this 6 minute clip. For a spouse/couple who desperately need a sex therapist, this could offer some insight into what takes place in a session so that some of the scariness can be eliminated.

4 comments:

Link said...

This clip was insightful in that it shows how sin before marriage, even with the person you end up marrying, can damage the relationship later on.

One thing I did not like about it is that I got the impression that the sex therapist was trying to get the woman to let go of the teaching of her past. It was not good that the wife got the impression that sex is dirty. But she should go to a counselor who reinforces the idea that fornication is a sin and helps her find peace with God through Jesus Christ, not someone who will talk her out of her faith with the one objective of helping her improve her sex life.

Gemma said...

Link said:
"One thing I did not like about it is that I got the impression that the sex therapist was trying to get the woman to let go of the teaching of her past. It was not good that the wife got the impression that sex is dirty. But she should go to a counselor who reinforces the idea that fornication is a sin and helps her find peace with God through Jesus Christ, not someone who will talk her out of her faith with the one objective of helping her improve her sex life."


I didn't pick that up at all about the therapist. It seemed to me that she was only trying to help the wife overcome 14 years of guilt over the premarital sex. The wife felt like she didn't deserve to enjoy sex in her marriage because of the guilt... almost like she was doing penance all these years, trying to atone for the premarital stuff. God would never want us to live with 14 years of guilt no matter who taught us that sex was dirty. Sure the premarital sex was wrong but what she’s been doing all these years is equally as wrong. The therapist was trying to help her see that. This is not a Christian therapist per se but a professional therapist would never try to undermine their client’s religious beliefs. If a person only wants to talk about God or sin then they should go talk with their pastor.

Maybe you saw something that I didn’t see?

Mr Lonely said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Anon- returns-

Great post Gemma, totally reiterates your journey and that of millions of others. This is a clone of our marriage. Frisky and dream woman while dating to catch the man. Man gets truly caught and ends up frustrated, angry, lied to and in a state of perpetual temptation and self abuse. For me I have read every book for Christian men and tried every formula suggested in them. This leads to a cycle of self defeat and constant feeling that I am not an adequate lover for my wife. Which makes me think of affairs. Why? after decades of this very scenario a man wants to feel that desire from his spouse. If he doesn't he wonders if it is him, something he did or if he can please other women with the energy we had in dating days.

They both need to repent of their fornication sins- BUT like you said before, it was the fornication that was the sin not the passion. They have a long road ahead of them.

I called out my wife to our pastor and she bubbled up for about a month- thus my absence- now she is back to snoring by 9pm and I am left by myself twiddling my thumbs.

Ladies- men are tempted all the time. It takes two to work at these issues. However- YOU MUST TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY and work to fix it long term.

Or you and your children will be long term damaged to:
1) repeat the coldness they see.

or

2) get divorced and lose everything.

Your man will find a younger more attractive women who is not burdened with the guilt. Women today are more free sexually and recognize how important it is and they actually enjoy it.

I pray for this couple. I hate to make the women be the pinata as heaven knows many man are just jerks. But this is so cookie cutter of what we and many of our friends experience it grieves my soul to know the pain they are going through.