Why is it that when one spouse has a sexual awakening, the other spouse does not always respond in a positive way?
I refused for over 25 years and by all rights, my husband should have said, "Sorry, too little, too late," and refused me but he did not. To be sure, he was puzzled about why the change after all those years and repeatedly asked me, "What has happened to bring about the change?" And then we initially had another problem because his body was not responding correctly to allow for successful PIV-IC. We were both crushed but we went to the doctor to see what we could do. I explained to doc how I had refused for so many years. We have a great doc and he is a Christian to boot. He talked with us, gave my husband a viagra sample pack and Rx and told us to be patient... that it might take time. My husband did take one of the pills and then everything came together so he never had to take more of them.
I cannot tell you how many times I apologized in tears to my dh over and over and over. In my mind, if he had said, “Too bad, so sad,” I darn well deserved it. I did not deserve for him to respond to my awakening in a positive way and that is how I approached it with him. If I had taken a different approach like saying to him, "Look, you should be happy that I am sexually awakened. Now we can have all the sex you want,"…. I do not know for sure but to me that would have been a slap in the face to him as if to say, "Yeah, I know I refused for all those years but no biggie... I want sex now and you have been wanting it so we need to just put the past behind us and enjoy our marriage bed."
I did not feel it was my call to decide where we would go from that point on. Instead, my husband was the one who said, "You do not need to keep apologizing. It is done, it is behind us. Let us move forward." And then he did not miss a beat. We immediately began having frequent, passionate sex, not just because I finally wanted it but also because he wanted it, because I was sincerely remorseful, because I asked for forgiveness and because my husband forgave. We were finally on the same page.
When a sexual awakening is not well received I wonder if it is a lack of maturity in the refused spouse where they cannot let go of bitterness or if it is because they went so long without sex that they do not know how to mentally turn on their sexual desire again. Also I think it is extremely important that when the ex-refuser initially discusses their awakening with their spouse, they need to approach it with a contrite and humble spirit.
Are you the spouse of an ex-refuser or are you the awakened ex-refuser? How is that working out for you? Do you feel that you handled or are handing it the right way? What could you have done or what could you now do differently today and in the future?