Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ex-refuser: “I am awakened!” Ex-refused: “So what! Too little, too late!”

Why is it that when one spouse has a sexual awakening, the other spouse does not always respond in a positive way?

I refused for over 25 years and by all rights, my husband should have said, "Sorry, too little, too late," and refused me but he did not. To be sure, he was puzzled about why the change after all those years and repeatedly asked me, "What has happened to bring about the change?" And then we initially had another problem because his body was not responding correctly to allow for successful PIV-IC. We were both crushed but we went to the doctor to see what we could do. I explained to doc how I had refused for so many years. We have a great doc and he is a Christian to boot. He talked with us, gave my husband a viagra sample pack and Rx and told us to be patient... that it might take time. My husband did take one of the pills and then everything came together so he never had to take more of them.

I cannot tell you how many times I apologized in tears to my dh over and over and over. In my mind, if he had said, “Too bad, so sad,” I darn well deserved it. I did not deserve for him to respond to my awakening in a positive way and that is how I approached it with him. If I had taken a different approach like saying to him, "Look, you should be happy that I am sexually awakened. Now we can have all the sex you want,"…. I do not know for sure but to me that would have been a slap in the face to him as if to say, "Yeah, I know I refused for all those years but no biggie... I want sex now and you have been wanting it so we need to just put the past behind us and enjoy our marriage bed."

I did not feel it was my call to decide where we would go from that point on. Instead, my husband was the one who said, "You do not need to keep apologizing. It is done, it is behind us. Let us move forward." And then he did not miss a beat. We immediately began having frequent, passionate sex, not just because I finally wanted it but also because he wanted it, because I was sincerely remorseful, because I asked for forgiveness and because my husband forgave. We were finally on the same page.

When a sexual awakening is not well received I wonder if it is a lack of maturity in the refused spouse where they cannot let go of bitterness or if it is because they went so long without sex that they do not know how to mentally turn on their sexual desire again. Also I think it is extremely important that when the ex-refuser initially discusses their awakening with their spouse, they need to approach it with a contrite and humble spirit.

Are you the spouse of an ex-refuser or are you the awakened ex-refuser? How is that working out for you? Do you feel that you handled or are handing it the right way? What could you have done or what could you now do differently today and in the future?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Romantic, Emotional vs. Sexual Needs Debate

Recently on a marriage forum someone asked- In what ways do you feel emotionally fulfilled in your marriage? Typically I avoid these types of questions because they remind me of the same old, same old. One spouse says, “More emotional intimacy,” and the other spouse says, “More sex,” with both of them constantly locking horns. This time I made an exception and replied to the post. I wrote:


Off the top of my head and in no particular order:

*I need good conversation about us. This means conversation beyond the kids and the 'to do' list.
*He comments on my appearance. I enjoy knowing that I still 'wow' him when he looks my way.
*He needs to sexually pursue me as I do him on a frequent basis. Sexual intimacy is entwined with emotional intimacy. When one lacks, they both do.
*He enjoys my cooking and other homemaking and parenting skills.
*He cannot keep hands off me when not having sex. It is the knowing that he desires me even when we can't have sex right at that moment.
*He looks forward to being out on dates.

For me, all of the above spell ROMANCE and emotional fulfillment. Emotional and sexual intimacy go hand in hand. For us it is never romantic/emotional fulfillment OR sex. Rather it is romantic/emotional fulfillment AND sex and when we see a lack in one or the other, we do not wait until everything is perfect before we continue enjoying each other in both ways. This results in a win/win for us.

I see more couples shooting themselves in the foot when one says, “We need more romantic/emotional fulfillment,” while the other says, “We need more sex,” and then neither of them budge and both of them lose out.


Do you and your spouse often lock horns over the romantic, emotional vs. sexual needs debate? What helpful ways have you found to overcome differences in intimacy needs?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Stop. Don’t. No. Quit. Is it all you think about?

Here is a condensed version of the excuses you all submitted. Imagine this- Your refusing spouse says “no” to sex with one of these pathetic excuses. You whip out a list and say, “OK, dear, which one will we choose this time?” Or what if you were to keep a private journal? Every time your spouse gives an excuse, you mark it down in the journal and date the entry. After a few months you share the journal with them so they can have a good visual of their marriage bed attitude from over an extended period of time. Or you could keep a copy of a list in an obvious place in your bedroom as a reminder to them of the mental pain and suffering you experience each and every time they give you an excuse.

Some would say, “My refusing spouse would be furious if I showed him/her this list.” Well, why should they be furious if this is a fair sampling of the excuses that come out of their own mouth? Just like refusers do not realize how seldom they have sex… they equally do not realize how awful it is to continually hear the excuses. This could be quite an eye-opening experience for some refusing spouses. Some of you may have other uses for such a list. Please share them.

-Not feeling well.
-Long hard day of work and I'm tired.
-Not emotionally up for it.
-Kids are still awake.
-I have a tummy ache. (It can be something this childish.)
-The sure fire “go-to” method is to start a fight or otherwise be absolutely unapproachable.
-Don’t want to be bothered.
-You’re smothering me.
-Quit playing games.
-Don't feel connected.
-Kids are around.
-Don’t feel like being touched.
-Give me some space.
-Is it all you think about?
-Don’t want to interfere with your sleep.
-It's only been [xxx] days/hours.
-Under too much stress. Can't turn my brain off and relax.
-In the morning- “Too much to do today, need to get started.”
-In the evening- “Still too busy.”
-Kids will be knocking on the door soon.
-I have a headache.
-We just did it last week. You horny already?
-I’m not in the mood.
-You don't accept me for who I am (sexually).
-I am not into that.
-You are a pervert (for non-perverted requests).
-It’s my time of month. (PMS and period- that means 21 days of the month not in the mood.)
-I feel fat.
-You’re pressuring me.
-You only want me for sex.
-Wife does not participate- non responsive- “Just get it done.”
-Bait and switch: Outstanding sex b4 marriage, anemic after marriage and lifeless after children.
-Honor and respect for husband lost or faded.
-She refuses to give feedback/participation to help make it wonderful for her.
-I am not the women you want. You want some porn star and I am just a simple women .
-We already did it 2-4 times this month.
-I would rather you masturbate than ask me for sex.
-I am no longer in a sexual phase of my life. I don’t want to have sex with anyone - ever again.
-You are getting some so I am not really refusing. (From a dispassionate spouse who is rarely willing.)
-You want me to be enthusiastic in bed? Not going to happen.
-You have looked at porn in the past… not excessively, not addicted… but just the same, you will be forever tainted. (I’m a good Christian but I can’t forgive you.)
-I don’t think we’re close so I can't be into it.
-Here is a nice one to start the new year: Husband says, “Happy New Year I love you- kiss. I think we’ve grown closer this past year in spite of the difficulties.” P-A-U-S-E. "Maybe". The icing on the cake- Twice that day I had two women offer themselves to me for New Years Eve. Purity and resistance continues in the face of a non-generous and non-loving wife.