Saturday, December 31, 2011

Christ is born, glorify Him. Have a happy New Year.

It has been a long time since I posted here. Busy with husband.. family.. busyness of life.. sickness.. writing. I hope you had a wonderful Christmas holiday, and I wish a happy New Year to you all.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Men, do you know what you want in bed?

My husband and I both initiate sex but that’s not a worry for him. If I stopped being sexually passionate or no longer showed sexual desire for him, then we would have problems. I could leave most of the initiating to him and he would be tickled pink just to have me continually shower him with passion and desire.

Showing passion and desire is not the same thing as initiating. It's not the same thing as a spouse making decisions in bed (ie, which activities and positions they do). Some men may need their wife to initiate and make decisions and she can do those things, yet still lack passion and desire.

Some women, myself included, have a passionate nature and regularly show it. But when my husband and I are in bed he likes to rule. It’s not that I can’t make a decision or suggestion; I can. But what works for us and keeps our bed sizzling is for him to do much of the sexual leading. He leads my passion and desire where he wants it to go. My husband is my Master in bed, only I don’t live in a bottle.

Foreplay is emotional for me but it does not make me passionate or make me desire my husband more. Before we even begin foreplay I am already passionately desiring him, whether he’s with me or not. Foreplay simply makes me horny, and then I’m quickly ready to roll.

Obviously, a husband has to be desire-worthy for a wife to desire him throughout the day. All husbands SHOULD be desire-worthy but if they act like an ass around their wife, well... they need to work on the emotional end of their relationship.

A wife runs into trouble when she won’t or can’t think about sexually desiring her husband all day. So it’s not surprising when they’re going to bed and she tells him, “OK, dear, start my engine. Get me in the mood. Make me desire you,” when she’s like a car that’s been sitting in a garage for months on end. And he's like a mechanically challenged guy.

Men, do you know specifically what you most want and need from your wife? Do you communicate it to her? Does she understand what you want from her?

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Is romance killing your sex life?

Some women (and men too) are more sensitive than others to being sexually touched. What about our thoughts? How do our thoughts affect our sexual experiences? We can be sensitive to touch, our husband can be sexually touching us, and we would think, “We’re well on our way!” But if our thoughts are on what we didn't do today, or what we’ll do tomorrow, or something with the kids, etc., guess what? Our husband may as well be touching the lawn mower for all the response he'll get from us.

But then, I have a theory about what trips up so many wives more often than not, and prevents them from getting the most out of sex. They are too focused on being romanced rather than focusing on the physical sensation of being fucked. You hear so many wives complain that they don’t get enough romance. They look for it in everything they do with their husband, including during sex. If I were to try and make sex into a romantic time, I would have difficulties focusing on the physical sensations. Worrying about romance would be distracting for me. I mean, if I’m going to have sex I want to enjoy having SEX!!!

Don't get me wrong. Sex between a husband and wife is and should be an emotional act. What I’m saying is that I think romanticizing about the relationship while in the moment, detracts from the sexual experience. Where do women get these ideas of fantasizing about romance rather than focusing on sex? TV, I’m sure, has contributed, and I can only guess that romance novels don’t help either. For those of us who don’t prioritize for romance, we have an easier time just getting in there and enjoying the physical side of having sex. It's a whole "letting your mind go" mentality. I don't have to be in control of my thoughts. In fact, I don't want to be in control of my thoughts at that time. This works to my advantage, taking the entire experience way over the top.

Husbands, if your sex life is not what you want it to be and your wife complains about lack of romance, satisfy that need outside the bedroom. Keep the bedroom set apart for your sex life.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Orgasm Denial- Living in a State of Arousal

Not to boast but I can orgasm very easily, usually within seconds or minutes, and they are powerful Os. It's just that I don't like to O every time we have sex, because I enjoy the feeling of being aroused and not releasing it. The arousal is part of my journey, and I love the journey as much as the destination. Most guys and some women need to O every time, and that's OK if it works for you. Folks like that don’t always understand why a woman would want to skip Oing. I’ve heard many husbands say, “I bring my wife to O every time we have sex,” like it’s an accomplishment. Maybe it is for their wives, I really don’t know.

To look at it from a different POV---

For me, my way of practicing a form of "orgasm denial" is WAY more erotic. That's why I'm glad my husband understands how my body works... how I prefer to live in a state of arousal. If I had to O every time we had sex, I wouldn’t always look forward to some of our sessions. Of course, we would have sex just as often as we do now, but I wouldn't enjoy it as much. And THAT would sadden my husband as well... not because of my lack of Os, but because of my lack of enjoyment.

In your marriage does the wife need/want to orgasm at every session? And is it her preference or the husband’s? Does it work to your advantage? Does it cause the wife to look forward to every session, or is she sometimes not so enthused, knowing that she’ll have to O?

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A Hurdle For Refused Spouses To Overcome

Periodically, I am reminded of this. Very little gets my goat more than to hear a marriage forum member say, "My wife and I have a great marriage. We enjoy doing things together. She's a wonderful mom to our kids. She's a good Christian woman, actively ministering at church. Our relationship is good in every way EXCEPT..... in bed.

She refuses to freely enjoy sex with me. As the keeper of the "sex gate" only she decides when and how we have sex, totally disregarding my sexual needs. I have no say. What can I do?" (And I see this in reverse as well… with wives who have refusing husbands.)

One of the biggest hurdles for a refused spouse to overcome, is in admitting that the refusing spouse is NOT the loving spouse they once were. We are NOT a wonderful parent while sexually refusing our children's other parent. We are NOT a good Christian just because we are active and ministering in church, while we treat our spouse like crap in the bedroom. Refusal affects all areas of our life. We figure that since nobody knows our "refusal secret", then our pastor and all our church friends think that we are a good Christian. Hey, we've learned how to fake it well. Everyone but our spouse, only sees our "pretend" personality.

God knows better. He knows us by how we are in the secret place. It's in the secret place that He judges our heart. We might be able to fool man for a season, but we never fool God.

To refused spouses: TELL THE SECRET!

Quit protecting your refusing spouse's reputation. As long as you agree to hide their refusal, you are contributing to their sin, so their sin is also YOUR sin. Tell your pastor, counselor, or whoever else will cause self-reflection when a refused spouse can't make a dent, even if it means embarrassment. We have no reason to be embarrassed if we're not doing anything wrong. If the refuser dies of embarrassment when the refused spouse tells their pastor or another person, it sends the refuser a clear message:

*Refusal is serious.
*Refusal goes against the wedding vows.
*Refusal hurts the kids, and others they try to help (ie, Christian ministries.. like the blind leading the blind).
*Refusal can lead to infidelity or divorce.

Either refused spouse, pastor and others are ALL wrong, or I need to take a serious look at the damage I'm causing in my marriage.

Friday, June 24, 2011

One of my favorite love songs!

This is one of my favorite love songs! You like?

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Quirky Bedroom Habits

Yesterday evening, GR and I had the house to ourselves. Typically we'd immediately head to the bedroom to enjoy a sexual time alone in privacy. But I was distracted and in a talkative mood, so I asked GR if we could first play a game of cards in bed. Of course, he was suspicious and thought I was up to something but I said, "No, just feel like playing cards."

"OK," he tells me.

We pulled out the deck that we keep in the bedroom, got comfy in bed, turned the tv on to the Music Choice channel, set it to "Today's Country" and began played cards. After some time of playing and talking about everything under the sun, I became bored with the game and asked him if he was ready to stop playing; he was. We put the cards aside and then enjoyed a good fuck before our girls got home.

There is nothing wrong with doing something nonsexual in bed... not as long as you don't ignore the sexual. Sometimes I find it refreshing and, yes, even erotic to engage in a nonsexual activity before moving on to having sex. It's one of the quirky little things about me.

Do you or your spouse have any quirky bedroom habits that you'd like to share? They can be quirky in a positive or a negative way. Do tell.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sexual confidence says, "I know God made me beautiful and I refuse to hide it."

As a 54yo wife, married to a 60yo husband, I view sexual confidence to be a crucial part of my life. We take what God gives us in physical features, and then make ourselves the absolute best we can possibly be, with fitness, weight, hair, skin, jewelry, clothing, boots... Wait, did I say boots? Sorry, that was a slip... says the lady with a boot fetish. We can choose to enhance God's handiwork, or make things worse.

When I was much younger, in my 30s and 40s, I didn't care as much about how I dress. Now, even when stepping outside my home to run errands, I do my best to look nice. What works for me- I've developed a comfortable dress style that I think is sensual without being immodest. I love dresses or skirts and leggings, paired with tops that have flattering necklines. Otherwise, I wear good-fitting skinny jeans or capris with a nice top. The right shoes, jewelry, hair style and skin care are all equally as important when I go out. It shouldn't take a lot of time to look nice before you head out the door to run errands. I wear very little, usually no makeup, which saves me time. A sun screen moisturizer does it for me. After a quick shower, I can throw myself together in 15 minutes or less, and be ready to fly.

As a people watcher, I do take notice of men and women when I'm out and about. When I see a woman dressed sloppy/dumpy, I feel sorry for her because I think, Damn, she's not an ugly duckling. Why doesn't she take a little time to spruce up a bit before heading out of her home? That's a large part of being confident. If I'm dressed sloppy, how can I feel sexually confident? I can't and I usually see that lack of confidence in women who dress sloppy.

Just this morning after having sex, we were in each others' arms and husband gave me this dreamy look and said, "You're beautiful." When he says that, I usually reply with a simple, "Thank you,” because my sexual confidence causes me to believe him. I would never tell him, "No, I'm not," because I would be calling him a liar.

Sexual confidence is something that we must draw from within. Anyone can develop confidence if they choose to do so. Pride and confidence are two different things so don't confuse the two. Pride can result in a downfall but confidence is to be attained. Confidence is what makes each woman beautifully unique and, yes, attractive. Confidence says, "I know God made me beautiful and I refuse to hide it."

I could go on but I'll stop here. Wives, what do you do to build up and maintain sexual confidence? Husbands, how do you contribute to your wife's confidence? Comments?

Friday, April 29, 2011

Book Update

Good day to you, my readers!

Just a quick note on my book project.

I was told that 80,000 words is the minimum that publishers accept for a small book. I'm currently at 11,000 words, so if I’m doing the math right, I am about an eighth of the way done. Long road ahead of me, but I'm plugging along, meeting my writing goals each week.

And did I mention my great writing group? I feel so blessed and honored to be a part of such a wonderful bunch of writers. They all get 2 thumbs up from me.

Writing my story has been bitter-sweet. It has brought out strong, happy emotions in me and also strong, sad ones. But the more I move along on the project, the more I am convinced that writing my story is something I must do.

It saddens me that I haven’t had time to post here, although, I do check comments and emails most days. Will try to post updates periodically.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I am the captain of my soul.

This morning, I was intrigued while watching The Today Show, when they interviewed Ashley Judd. If there was ever a dysfunctional family, hers was it. In her memoir, she talks about her own CSA. Ashley is living proof that a person can go through CSA and emotionally heal well enough to tell about it and overcome it.

I'm sorry... I don't mean to sound harsh, but I think that many CSA victims choose to remain *trapped* in a life of self-pity because of their past. It doesn't need to be that way. Most of us have things from our past that we wish never happened. What are we going to do about it? Sit and cry for years on end and allow it to continue ruining our present and future OR... deal with it, put it in the past and move on to a better life? I vote to move on. Let's quit giving so much power to our past. Let's quit allowing our past to destroy our marriage and our marriage bed.

I am the captain of my soul.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Richard Elliot

My favorite sax player- here and here , for your viewing and listening pleasure...

GR and I have tickets to see Elliot 'live'. I can't wait! If he is ever near your neck of the woods ... see his tour schedule,... make an effort to see him. I have several of his CDs. Great music for fucking!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Monday, March 14, 2011

Only my needs count. For you, Dearie? Too bad, so sad. You're stuck with me now.

My suspicions are, that those of you who read my last article... you will either really like what I said or you will really hate it.

The wives who hate what I said, have probably been in abusive relationships either while growing up, or with a boyfriend, or with an ex-spouse, or they have been raped by a stranger. The abuse has destroyed their ability to trust the person who vowed to love and cherish them, their husband. This trust must be rebuilt, and it can be rebuilt if the wounded wife is willing to proactively work at it with a professional.

Trustworthiness and generosity have no gender boundaries, so the situations I am describing, can easily apply to husbands or wives.

If a wife is married to an untrustworthy, abusive husband, she has a choice to make. Either give him an ultimatum to get help, or kick him to the curb. I would say the same to a husband whose wife is not sexually generous in bed. If the wife will not change on her own, she owes it to the marriage to seek professional help to overcome her issues.

How many times have I heard, "But when I was growing up ..." or "But in my past ..." I'm sorry but we all have a past. It doesn't give us a free "get out of jail" card. We don't have to allow our past to continue ruining our present and our future. As married adults, it is time to grow up and use our past to make us a better person today, rather than continue giving our past permission to keep us wounded. By refusing necessary, professional help, a person is essentially saying to their spouse, "Only my needs count. For you, Dearie? Too bad, so sad. You're stuck with me now." That's how I was with my husband for 25 years. Does this describe you or does it describe your spouse? What are you going to do about it?

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Do we REALLY know what we want in a husband?

One of my readers, “davyp” commented on my last article and said, “Gemma, I hope the book writing is enjoyable and ultimately that lots of people buy it. You have a perspective on marriage that I've not heard anywhere else and that I continue to be challenged and encouraged by.”

I decided to share my perspective here.


I’ve waited four years for the right time to begin this project so, yes, I am enjoying the writing. Thank you for your well-wishes.

The reason my perspective may seem unique to many folks is because, to the best of my ability, I have tried to "own" what I did when I was putting my dh through all those years of misery. Some ex-refusers, I find, are more concerned about making excuses for their past behavior. Some also carry around a certain degree of 'entitlement' meaning, they stop refusing and then they expect their spouse to immediately bounce back... to be all happy and smiles. That's not reality because many ex-refused spouses have been emotional wounded for so long, from the lack of frequent, passionate sex. These wounds need to heal before the ex-refused can get on with the marriage.

Once I experienced my sexual awakening, I never had a need or desire to cover up my past, wrong-doings with excuses. What I did was wrong as wrong can be. My past emotional and physical health issues cannot excuse what I did because, after all, I was the one who refused to get help. There is not much that ticks me off more than to hear a refuser or an ex-refuser make excuses. (ie, my mom was-----, my dad was----, I was promiscuous, I was sexually abused, I was on BC, I had physical health issues, etc, etc.) Guess what? I can apply all those things to my past except for the SA and still… I didn’t have a leg to stand on for excuses. I was wrong. I selfishly chose to refuse sex and I selfishly refused to get the help I needed because, for me, that was the easy way out. I gave no thought to what it was doing to my husband. It was all about me, me, ME.

Some have told me, "But Gemma, you refused for 25 years. It doesn't seem to be the Christian thing to do, for me to be so harsh with my wife when we've only been struggling with this for 5 years... or 10 years." Well, Bud, to that I would say- Suit yourself. Keep walking on eggshells around the sexual issues if you think that's helping. If it's not helping, your wife will be like I was in another 15 or 20 years. For how long would you like to live in a sexually refused state? My dh lived with it for 25 because he was too afraid to insist that we get professional help and I sure wasn't going to get help on my own initiative.

When I finally understood what God had been trying to show me all along... I determined to become the opposite of that person I was during those first 25 years of marriage. Trust me, I have not arrived. I am a work in progress. When I came to my senses, it was easy for me to become a submissive in the bedroom. I still struggle with obedience and respect outside of the bedroom. For so long I've done what I wanted to do and it has brought me and those around me so much grief. Now I purpose to do what my husband wants me to do. Choosing that as my goal has been so emotionally and sexually freeing.

Please note- Below, I am only referring to mature, loving husbands. If a husband isn’t at that place, then he needs to find help so he can finish growing up. Does he want his wife to be obedient and respectful? His wife needs for him to be a man. We each have our work cut out for us.

Many female refusers think that total obedience and respect is demeaning… as if it will turn them into a dimwit. You know what I’m talking about. These wives fight to have their way, their husbands give in, and the wives are still unhappy. Then the husbands ask, “What went wrong? I did everything she wanted. I let her have her way in everything and yet, she still won’t consider my sexual needs and desires.”

Allow me to let you in on a little secret. Come closer. Are you listening?

Many wives don’t know what they want in a husband. Some wives think they want a wimp of a husband, who will bow to their every command. These wives don’t know what will bring them happiness in their marriage. They equate giving up rights with being a weak, brainless woman. You see the results. They demand to rule in the relationship. They are the gatekeeper for what little sex that might possibly take place, and for what little passion they feel like rationing out and yet, they remain unhappy. These wives continually shoot themselves in the foot. Husbands who don’t love their wives do the same thing. Why continue to be self-defeating?

On the other hand, a basic principle of life is that when you give, you receive. The more obedience and respect I give to my husband, the more I am content in my role as a female and as a wife. This goes completely against feminist ideas and that’s why many wives can’t move into the role of a submissive wife. You know what I do with feminism, don’t you? I keep it in the toilet, where it belongs. Now this doesn’t mean that a wife should have no voice. When my husband and I have things to discuss with our finances, our kids, our house, etc… we discuss them together and listen to each others’ ideas before making decisions. But with our emotional and sexual intimacy- I want my husband to rule. I want him to insist that I obey and respect him in all things. This is what makes me feel loved and cherished.

Wives who initially try to fight to have their way all the time, and have (mature, loving) husbands who put their foot down and insist on obedience and respect… these wives are surprised to find that they enjoy having an emotionally strong husband tell them what to do.

Please post your thoughts.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

This Is That Time

Hey guys,

For at least a couple of years now, I have been waiting for the right time to begin writing a book, a memoir. I recently began meeting with a local group of writers every week and I feel that this is that time for me to work on the project.

My schedule will be tight so while I am working on the book, I may not be posting blog articles as often as I would like. If you have topics you would like to see discussed, feel free to post them here as comments or email them to me. Most days I will be popping in to read your comments and emails so do continue keeping in touch with me. Just be patient with my replies and I will get them out as soon as conceivably possible.

Enough of you have been after me :-) for the last four years to write a book so I know I have your support and prayers; I will covet them. My thanks to all...


Sunday, February 20, 2011

Do you "like" your spouse?

Most of us would say that we love our spouse but do we like being with them? In the clip I posted below, Dr. Berman offered these 5 simple ideas which any couple can put into practice to either improve a troubled relationship or to maintain a relationship that is already based on a firm foundation.

1) Give 5 genuine expressions of appreciation each day.
2) Enjoy at least one 10-second kiss every day.
3) Talk about your relationship for at least 15 minutes a day.
4) Arrange a weekly date night and sex date.
5) Take a vacation alone (ie, without kids) at least once a year.

Sometimes it is the little things that make it pleasurable to be around our spouse and cause a husband and wife to bend over backwards to please each other. Can we say that we like our spouse? Do we enjoy being with them? If a person loves their spouse (ie, out of duty) but does not like them, why would they care about tending to their needs? Your thoughts?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My spouse would NEVER talk to someone about our marriage bed!

Here is a clip showing sex therapist, Dr. Laura Berman, interviewing a couple whose 14 year marriage was in crisis mode.

I talk to dozens and dozens of individuals whose marriage bed has been in crisis for years, often for decades. One comment I hear repeatedly whenever I suggest seeing a therapist, "My spouse would NEVER talk to someone about this." Why is it that the very thing which could bring their marriage bed to a healthier place, is the thing they most avoid? I often compare it to a person with a cancer diagnosis who tells their spouse, “Yes, I have cancer but I am just not comfortable discussing it with a doctor so I will not go in for treatment.” Kind of dumb, huh?

A large part of the hesitation, I think, is a simple fear of the unknown… that and unfounded embarrassment. (ie, Sex therapists have heard it all. You cannot freak them out.) For those of us who are Christians- We can learn to trust God and have faith that He will help us push past the fear so that we can work on resolving the marriage bed issues. We read scriptures all the time pertaining to faith and trust in God. Here is an opportunity to put into practice what we read and put into practice what we say we believe.

Please watch this 6 minute clip. For a spouse/couple who desperately need a sex therapist, this could offer some insight into what takes place in a session so that some of the scariness can be eliminated.

Friday, February 4, 2011

What begins in the heart must end in the heart!

Continuing on with the "awakening" topic--

In one of my blog discussions a reader posted to say: "Yes, we (ex-refused) should not expect or demand an apology (from ex-refuser). Scripture deals rather harshly with unforgiving spirits. But, if you are that repentant soul, you can certainly make it easier for the wounded spouse to make the right decision by being humble and contrite and acknowledging the harm. To do less is wrong. For the other party to demand it is wrong."

BINGO!!!!! To become sexually awakened and to be flippant about it… I am sorry but that continues to show lack of ownership on the ex-refusers part for the damage done to their spouse. What it does say is this, "I am awakened but I want to continue calling the shots and now I say let us just start having sex. Forget about what I have done. The past is in the past… leave it there." That is just as wrong as wrong can be. I have seen a number of ex-refusers on MB forums who think they can simply make the outward change and their spouse should jump up and down for joy. When that does not happen they get bend out of shape and go whining on the forums, “Look what my spouse is doing to me. I have become the sexual being they have wanted all along and now they will not respond in a positive way.”

I try to ignore those whiny, selfish ex-refusers because, quite frankly, they supremely tick me off but in my mind I think, “Well, HELLO??? How did you handle your change? Did you truly repent? Did you feel and show remorse for what you have done? Have you thought about how difficult this has been for your spouse before and immediately following the change? For so long your spouse could not rely on you to do the right thing in the MB. Maybe they are afraid that you will revert back to old habits? Maybe they need to learn all over again how to trust you?

What do we see on forums when the ex-refused cannot quickly shake the past? The couple does not discuss it with their pastor and the ex-refuser says, “If this is how you are going to respond I will just go back to my refusing habit.” And you see them post (read: whine), “I need prayer. My sexual desire is going down again. I do not know what to do. Spouse does not care about my needs.” ME, MY, I... HELLO AGAIN??? This is EXACTLY what your ex-refused spouse was afraid would happen. You are proving them right. Rather than whine, ask your spouse if the two of you can go discuss things with your pastor."

Folks, to truly become sexually awakened is not simply an outward showing. It has to include a deep, genuine heart change for a real ‘turn-around’ to take place with an ex–refuser. The problem I have when I see ex-refusers with a flippant attitude is that it should never be their call to decide which direction the relationship goes from that point. When I am in the wrong it is not up to me to decide how we will handle things to make them right. It is equally as wrong if the ex-refuser has a contrite and humble heart but the ex-refused remains bitter and resentful when we are called to forgive. Clearly, when a marriage bed is on the mend it takes huge leaps of spiritual maturity in both spouses for them to be willing to do the right thing. If one or both spouses resist taking personal responsibility, then sadly, the awakening becomes a “no go” or just “a show”.

The refusing habit began with a sinful heart issue so an awakening needs to result with a deep heart change. Nothing less will be lasting. The best advice I would give an ex-refused spouse who struggles with the change… get you and your spouse in for a private meeting with your pastor and if pastor cannot point you towards a resolution, find a therapist who can. Why spend 5, 10 or more years living with sexual refusal only to spend another 5, 10 or more years living with bitterness and resentment? That is just shooting yourself in the foot.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Ex-refuser: “I am awakened!” Ex-refused: “So what! Too little, too late!”

Why is it that when one spouse has a sexual awakening, the other spouse does not always respond in a positive way?

I refused for over 25 years and by all rights, my husband should have said, "Sorry, too little, too late," and refused me but he did not. To be sure, he was puzzled about why the change after all those years and repeatedly asked me, "What has happened to bring about the change?" And then we initially had another problem because his body was not responding correctly to allow for successful PIV-IC. We were both crushed but we went to the doctor to see what we could do. I explained to doc how I had refused for so many years. We have a great doc and he is a Christian to boot. He talked with us, gave my husband a viagra sample pack and Rx and told us to be patient... that it might take time. My husband did take one of the pills and then everything came together so he never had to take more of them.

I cannot tell you how many times I apologized in tears to my dh over and over and over. In my mind, if he had said, “Too bad, so sad,” I darn well deserved it. I did not deserve for him to respond to my awakening in a positive way and that is how I approached it with him. If I had taken a different approach like saying to him, "Look, you should be happy that I am sexually awakened. Now we can have all the sex you want,"…. I do not know for sure but to me that would have been a slap in the face to him as if to say, "Yeah, I know I refused for all those years but no biggie... I want sex now and you have been wanting it so we need to just put the past behind us and enjoy our marriage bed."

I did not feel it was my call to decide where we would go from that point on. Instead, my husband was the one who said, "You do not need to keep apologizing. It is done, it is behind us. Let us move forward." And then he did not miss a beat. We immediately began having frequent, passionate sex, not just because I finally wanted it but also because he wanted it, because I was sincerely remorseful, because I asked for forgiveness and because my husband forgave. We were finally on the same page.

When a sexual awakening is not well received I wonder if it is a lack of maturity in the refused spouse where they cannot let go of bitterness or if it is because they went so long without sex that they do not know how to mentally turn on their sexual desire again. Also I think it is extremely important that when the ex-refuser initially discusses their awakening with their spouse, they need to approach it with a contrite and humble spirit.

Are you the spouse of an ex-refuser or are you the awakened ex-refuser? How is that working out for you? Do you feel that you handled or are handing it the right way? What could you have done or what could you now do differently today and in the future?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Romantic, Emotional vs. Sexual Needs Debate

Recently on a marriage forum someone asked- In what ways do you feel emotionally fulfilled in your marriage? Typically I avoid these types of questions because they remind me of the same old, same old. One spouse says, “More emotional intimacy,” and the other spouse says, “More sex,” with both of them constantly locking horns. This time I made an exception and replied to the post. I wrote:


Off the top of my head and in no particular order:

*I need good conversation about us. This means conversation beyond the kids and the 'to do' list.
*He comments on my appearance. I enjoy knowing that I still 'wow' him when he looks my way.
*He needs to sexually pursue me as I do him on a frequent basis. Sexual intimacy is entwined with emotional intimacy. When one lacks, they both do.
*He enjoys my cooking and other homemaking and parenting skills.
*He cannot keep hands off me when not having sex. It is the knowing that he desires me even when we can't have sex right at that moment.
*He looks forward to being out on dates.

For me, all of the above spell ROMANCE and emotional fulfillment. Emotional and sexual intimacy go hand in hand. For us it is never romantic/emotional fulfillment OR sex. Rather it is romantic/emotional fulfillment AND sex and when we see a lack in one or the other, we do not wait until everything is perfect before we continue enjoying each other in both ways. This results in a win/win for us.

I see more couples shooting themselves in the foot when one says, “We need more romantic/emotional fulfillment,” while the other says, “We need more sex,” and then neither of them budge and both of them lose out.


Do you and your spouse often lock horns over the romantic, emotional vs. sexual needs debate? What helpful ways have you found to overcome differences in intimacy needs?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Stop. Don’t. No. Quit. Is it all you think about?

Here is a condensed version of the excuses you all submitted. Imagine this- Your refusing spouse says “no” to sex with one of these pathetic excuses. You whip out a list and say, “OK, dear, which one will we choose this time?” Or what if you were to keep a private journal? Every time your spouse gives an excuse, you mark it down in the journal and date the entry. After a few months you share the journal with them so they can have a good visual of their marriage bed attitude from over an extended period of time. Or you could keep a copy of a list in an obvious place in your bedroom as a reminder to them of the mental pain and suffering you experience each and every time they give you an excuse.

Some would say, “My refusing spouse would be furious if I showed him/her this list.” Well, why should they be furious if this is a fair sampling of the excuses that come out of their own mouth? Just like refusers do not realize how seldom they have sex… they equally do not realize how awful it is to continually hear the excuses. This could be quite an eye-opening experience for some refusing spouses. Some of you may have other uses for such a list. Please share them.

-Not feeling well.
-Long hard day of work and I'm tired.
-Not emotionally up for it.
-Kids are still awake.
-I have a tummy ache. (It can be something this childish.)
-The sure fire “go-to” method is to start a fight or otherwise be absolutely unapproachable.
-Don’t want to be bothered.
-You’re smothering me.
-Quit playing games.
-Don't feel connected.
-Kids are around.
-Don’t feel like being touched.
-Give me some space.
-Is it all you think about?
-Don’t want to interfere with your sleep.
-It's only been [xxx] days/hours.
-Under too much stress. Can't turn my brain off and relax.
-In the morning- “Too much to do today, need to get started.”
-In the evening- “Still too busy.”
-Kids will be knocking on the door soon.
-I have a headache.
-We just did it last week. You horny already?
-I’m not in the mood.
-You don't accept me for who I am (sexually).
-I am not into that.
-You are a pervert (for non-perverted requests).
-It’s my time of month. (PMS and period- that means 21 days of the month not in the mood.)
-I feel fat.
-You’re pressuring me.
-You only want me for sex.
-Wife does not participate- non responsive- “Just get it done.”
-Bait and switch: Outstanding sex b4 marriage, anemic after marriage and lifeless after children.
-Honor and respect for husband lost or faded.
-She refuses to give feedback/participation to help make it wonderful for her.
-I am not the women you want. You want some porn star and I am just a simple women .
-We already did it 2-4 times this month.
-I would rather you masturbate than ask me for sex.
-I am no longer in a sexual phase of my life. I don’t want to have sex with anyone - ever again.
-You are getting some so I am not really refusing. (From a dispassionate spouse who is rarely willing.)
-You want me to be enthusiastic in bed? Not going to happen.
-You have looked at porn in the past… not excessively, not addicted… but just the same, you will be forever tainted. (I’m a good Christian but I can’t forgive you.)
-I don’t think we’re close so I can't be into it.
-Here is a nice one to start the new year: Husband says, “Happy New Year I love you- kiss. I think we’ve grown closer this past year in spite of the difficulties.” P-A-U-S-E. "Maybe". The icing on the cake- Twice that day I had two women offer themselves to me for New Years Eve. Purity and resistance continues in the face of a non-generous and non-loving wife.