Sunday, October 24, 2010

Ouch, ouch!

OK, this is not exactly about sexual passion but then again, it is in a way.

Have you wives ever gotten an exterior sore where it makes having sex uncomfortable? Husbands, I am sure you have seen it happen where she says, "Ouch, it hurts right there." (I am not talking about pretend hurt to get out of having sex. This is real genuine pain.) My husband's fingers do it to me every time, if they are a little too rough.

A couple of days ago I managed to get a sore spot. It hurt so badly that we had to skip yesterday. Then very early this morning GR woke up horny. I was kind of quiet while waking up and he asked me, "What are you thinking?" "I wish I did not have this dang sore spot on me." So he did the gentlemanly thing and told me, "We can wait. I do not want to hurt you."

I thought about it a minute in my half-comatose state and then got a light bulb moment. "Take your finger and just slip it inside me. Do not touch the outside if you can help it." Again, my gentlemanly husband said, "But you are dry, I do not want to hurt you." I finally convinced him that it was OK, "Just do it. I will let you know if anything hurts." So he did what I asked, I quickly got wet and we were able to enjoy pain-free PIV-IC.

Sometimes you have to get a little creative to work around problems. We went through a similar thing right after our surgeries. Each of us wanted to have sex only a few days post-op so we figured out a way to make it work. Before I lost all my weight I often had backaches. I hear many folks say they cannot have sex with back pain but I learned to just plunge in anyway, knowing that the pain would be gone afterward. Yes, having sex would eliminate the pain.

Of course there are times when you really cannot have sex but I believe that the majority of times you can make it work.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Is there no end?

Why do so many people struggle in their marriage bed? Do we go into marriage in ignorance? After the wedding are we selfish? Are we too lazy to work at the relationship? Do we think that the marriage bed will take care of itself? Do we believe in that dumb old phrase of 50/50 when it should be 100/100? The more time I spend reading at marriage forums the more convinced I am that something is terribly, terribly wrong with the way many of these couples go into marriage. Months and even years later they are still wallowing around in a pathetic relationship.

The problems are not on account of a lack of prayer or lack of bible reading or lack of church attendance. There is plenty of that going around. It seems that the bulk of the issues is because one spouse views the marriage bed as something sinful and/or one spouse does not trust the other spouse. How has fear of sin and lack of trust become more important to embrace than the fear of a miserable marriage bed? On marriage forums the marriage bed issues are almost all alike. After you read enough of them, the stories all have an eerie resemblance. It becomes so depressing to read that I often have to pull myself away from them.

Is there no end? Will there ever be a time when most Christian marriages will get off on the right footing so that their marriage beds will thrive from the get-go? Will there ever be a time when both spouses will say, “You know, we can do better than this. Let us put our heads together and work on a doable solution so that we can have a healthy and happy marriage bed.”

I have to wonder. What do you guys think? What will it take to get both spouses on the same marriage bed page? It just seems that most couples who battle with this, drag it on for so freaking long. Why do you think this is so?

Is touching like shopping?

I do not know who wrote this story but I love it.

A guy's wife wanted to know why is it when she is all touchy-feely and flirtatious, her husband views it as an invitation to sex. “Why can't it just rest at what it is and nothing more?” she asked. To demonstrate, one weekend he took her to her favorite clothing store at the mall.

They walked around a bit and when she asked if he liked a certain skirt he said, "Sure… wow.... I really like that skirt. Hang onto it!" She then found a blouse and they went through the same routine. A pair of slacks... same. Boots... same. After some time she had a fair mountain of clothing and accessories on her arms and she said, "Thanks honey.. I think I am done. Let’s go check out."

With a puzzled look on his face he asked, “Check out? Why do you see this as an invitation to buy all this stuff? Can't we just look at it all, touch it and feel it without actually making a purchase? Can't we just let it rest on your arms for a while and then go home and nothing more?"

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Air, food, affection, sex...

GR and I have an understanding- Either of us are free to wake the other for sex. It usually works the first time around although we have times where the outcome is unexpected. Some nights, one of us tries to wake the other but if the other is sleeping too heavily we rest/sleep a little more and try again OR… and here is where the unexpected comes in. Other times, later in the night the heavy sleeper wakes and initiates sex and we finally enjoy a good romp.

We experienced this again last night. GR woke first and could not wake me and then later I woke and did the initiating. As long as we are being reasonable with each other (ie, grace during sickness, exhaustion), my husband and I have no restrictive rules about when sex will or will not take place, even during the night. If one spouse wants it, it is “a go”. For a married couple, agreeing to sex should be as natural as offering air to breathe or food to eat or affection for the soul. When we love someone we want to see them healthy and well in all areas of their life.

What are different ways to help a clueless spouse understand that sex is not an optional, part-time hobby… that it is as necessary as affection? If a spouse does not want to “get it” after having it explained, do you feel it would be wrong to offer an object lesson to help get the message across? I am thinking about a lesson where you tell the spouse ahead that you will be withholding affection for a couple of days just to help them understand what it is like to need something from a spouse that is not freely given.