One of my readers told me:
"I get hit on about once a week in my job and it frustrates me to no end to always have the opportunity of a participating partner on the 'other side of the fence'."
(Just for the sake of simplicity, I will generally refer to the husband as the refused spouse and the wife as the refusing one to avoid having to keep writing “him or her”. Just know that I do understand that sexual refusal knows no gender boundaries.)
I hear from refused spouses all the time; you know who you are. Day to day they live one notch away from physically falling into sexual sin because of their spouse’s refusal. To those who find themselves constantly having to resist the bombardment of eager sexual partners outside of their marriage, I say--- Good for you for not having fallen all the way into temptation thus far but the problem lies far beyond physically falling. You are aware of those “weekly opportunities” to sin this way but does your wife know about them? If she does not I would STRONGLY recommend that you tell her…. not in a threatening way because that would only push her further away but she does need to know what can potentially happen if she does not stop refusing and does not change her attitude. Being LD is no excuse for being sexually selfish. Contrary to popular belief, even having emotional issues is no excuse for being sexually selfish when you can aggressively pursue professional help to overcome the issues.
Here is a tip---
One good incentive for taking on sexual generosity is to understand that your husband is not infallible just because he has been a good Christian since you met or since an earlier time in the marriage. Remember, he is often a mere one notch away.
We wrongly assume that sexually refused Christians can easily avoid sexual temptation…. that the fear of God and fear of sin will most assuredly keep them faithful to the marriage vows. Then when things go wrong everyone says, “The bastard, how could he have done that to his wife?” With my own story, my dh was tempted IRL throughout his work days when he would see women. He lusted after them, hoping to see in them what I would never allow. Yes, he was the one who chose to lust with his eyes but I made it really easy for him. (ie, “accessory to sin” by counseling, by commanding, by consenting, by provoking another to sin; by praise of flattery, by concealment, by silence, or by defending that which is wrong). Twenty-five years later when he confessed it to me, I had to repent for his sin of lust as much as he did. Hindsight- I wish I had known years earlier what took me all those years to learn.
Just read on Christian marriage forums of the many sexually neglected husbands who on a daily or weekly basis are one notch away from physically falling. And their neglectful wives? They are so clueless because they think, “My husband may not be perfect but he would never EVER be unfaithful to me,” and they continue on with their refusing. The neglectful wife needs to know, has a right to know, what their behavior is doing to help push their husband over the edge. Yes, if you sexually fall it is your own doings but if a spouse contributes to your fall through neglect, then he or she is also guilty (ie, by accessory to sin).
If you are a refused husband or wife, have you explained to your spouse the seriousness of the temptations you face on a daily basis? Does your refusing spouse have a working knowledge of what a sexual fall would do to their marriage? Many of you would be surprised if you knew how much your faithfulness was taken for granted by your spouse, or maybe you would not be?