Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The holidays- a help or hindrance?

Holidays are notorious for creating havoc in peoples' personal lives. I will not go into the details of how it affects folks but I have been thinking about this in the past couple of weeks and thought that I would post the question here. Do the holidays affect your marriage bed and if they do, are they a help or a hindrance? Throughout Advent and Christmas, do you find yourself allowing your children, extended family or even friends to interfere with your sex life? Have you thought of simplifying the holidays to make for a better marriage bed relationship?

14 comments:

mypleasurefantasy said...
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Blondie said...

I recently had a weeks walking holiday with both my sons and the wife of one of them. Definitely not conducive to sex somehow. My wife is always a bit conscious that there are grown up family in the next room and besides sometimes we can be noisy in our activities which doesn't help, but it was a good holiday with them and we are capable of not having sex for a week.

When we holiday alone then it is the opposite. Sex every night but not the noisy kind. It helps that you have a good day with lots to enjoy. If it was a boring day I feel that might creep into the bedroom so one does have to plan good things to enjoy. When the sun goes down it is the obvious thing to do if you are on holiday together.

landschooner said...

Negative effect definitely. More stuff on the TO DO list for DW.

Its a LIFO stack. (Last In First Out)

Sex is put on the list first, at the bottom. Everything else is put in on top of it. Every day more things get put on the stack and taken off. Only when you've reached the bottom of the stack do you have sex. Most days, you never reach the bottom of the list. Like I've always said, its a matter of priorities. For DW, Christmas is more important than sex, because Christmas has to be done NOW, and sex can wait. We can do that any old time....

Blondie said...

I don't understand. Provided you are considerate sex can be when you want it surely? If I say to my wife can we do something she knows what I mean and goes straight to the bathroom to ready herself. Perhaps she is too busy. Obviously I test the ground and pick the leisurely times when there is nothing of vital importance happening. Occasionally I say can we do something after we have finished all this and it happens.

A wife should really respond to a husband and vice versa. If she is a christian she will know the scripture that the wife does not have power over her own body but the husband and the husband does not have power over his own body but the wife. Living by these scriptures there is never any basis for a sexless marriage.

Anonymous said...

I suspect for most people the answer is "more of however it normally is". For us, its as Landschooner says. Too freaked out by the thought of doing it at someone elses house. Short tempers from self-induced stress is not conducive to sex.

But I would also expect couples who do have a healthy relationship (of which one of the requirements is a healthy MB) to be drawn closer by those same things. "I'm frazzled, hold me" rather than "I'm frazzled, I will lash out at those I love". "Eww we can't do it at your parents house!" can also be "wink, shhh do you wanna?"

landschooner said...

"I don't understand. Provided you are considerate sex can be when you want it surely?"

Sex when I want??

You are correct. She is too busy. But the truth is, its a matter of priorities. We are SUPPOSED to be busy. Sex is supposed to be part of that, but to some spouses, it just isn't a priority.

Living according to the scriptures, there shouldn't really be any sexless marriages, that's true.

But its very common and very difficult to change.

One of the most common recommendations given to spouses who are sexually refused is this.

Love her unconditionally. Love her as Christ loves the Church. Do not put ANY pressure on her AT ALL.

If I've read this advice once online, I've read it 250 times. Loving unconditionally and as Christ loves the church are non-negotiable. But these alone are, in my opinion, recipes for continued sexlessness.

I don't pretend to know the answer, but I do know that Christ demands our very lives since we have been bought with a price. We are not free to ignore Him, and even forgo worship and growth without consequence.

LS

Anonymous said...

We have simplified over the last several years and enjoy the Christmas season so much more, as a couple and as a family.

I wish I had not clicked on the link in mypleasurefantasy's comment.

Gemma said...

landschooner said: "One of the most common recommendations given to spouses who are sexually refused is this. Love her unconditionally. Love her as Christ loves the Church. Do not put ANY pressure on her AT ALL. If I've read this advice once online, I've read it 250 times. Loving unconditionally and as Christ loves the church are non-negotiable. But these alone are, in my opinion, recipes for continued sexlessness."

LS,

I think you may need a more realistic understanding of “the love of Christ”. It’s true that scripture tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church but doesn’t Christ chastise/rebuke those He loves when they displease Him with sin? Love, real Christ-like love, does not mean that we are to turn our head and pretend we don’t see the “sin”. Do a scripture study on how Christ dealt with sin within those He loved. If He didn’t make us accountable for our sin, we’d all be living like Sodom and Gomorrah.

And one more thing. Christ did not sin. He could not sin. But what do you think we are doing when we allow those we love to sin and we just turn our head and pretend we don’t see it? If I do that with my kids, I become partially responsible for their sin by not lovingly chastising them. It’s the same thing with my spouse or anyone else I love. In my faith, the Christian Orthodox Faith, if we ignore that responsibility we call it “accessory to sin” and it is brought about by counsel, by command, by consent, by provocation, by praise or flattery, by concealment, by partaking, by silence, by defense of the ill done. It is also sinful to lead others astray by bad example. See: Matthew 18:6.

So I ask you, LS, and you don’t have to answer here if it's too personal- In regard to your wife’s sexual refusal, have you been guilty of “accessory to sin” in how you have been responding or not responding to her sin?

Gemma said...

anon said:
"I wish I had not clicked on the link in mypleasurefantasy's comment."

My apologies, anon. That photo avatar slipped by me. I thought I had deleted it when in fact I hadn't. Please forgive me.

landschooner said...

Hi Gemma,

I must not have written my post well because I am in full agreement with you.

That's why I said "But these alone are, in my opinion, recipes for continued sexlessness."

I was trying to express frustration with the advice I've heard "250 times if I've heard it once", I'm frustrated with the advice to "Love your wife as Christ loved the church as an encouragement to do nothing. As a petition NOT to put any pressure at all on a spouse.

I'm in full agreement with you. I just didnt express it well. (Sometimes I think I hear my own intonations and inflections in my head and forget they don't come across in type, so what I say has lost some of its intended meaning. )

Thank you for taking the time to express it much better than I did. : )

LS

Blondie said...

I clicked on mpf as well. Curiosity killed the cat?

It is an interesting point made to see lack of sex from you partner as sin. If one really saw that one could respond in the way that Gemma suggests. I don't have the problem but I imagine one could feel they were being judgemental in bringing up your partners sins as they are accountable to God. How many arguments start on the basis "You should do this or that". There must be a better way as well as praying of course.

The scripture does say able to reprove one another. I would imagine that this is only in love.
(The sure way would be to get Gemma to visit them perhaps?). Working out a good verbal approach would be a help. A lot of women belittle their husbands for wanting just earthy sensual sex not realising the true implications of how it is affecting the marriage. I think if I had that problem I might rape her or mb in the open to get across the importance of it.

Websites like this do help as well as tmb and christian nymphos. Anything to enlighten.

Gemma said...

I wouldn't mind visiting them but after hearing me out, they might not like me too well ;-).

Now a rape scene or MB show could do wonders :-) to wake up dormant sexuality unless, of course, a person is demonically bound by fear and if that's the case, then you'd have something concrete to work on- overcoming a fearful spirit.

Blondie said...

Of course. If it is that, then it is a whole new ball game.

Mark 9:24 said...

landschooner wrote:

Love her unconditionally. Love her as Christ loves the Church. Do not put ANY pressure on her AT ALL.

If I've read this advice once online, I've read it 250 times. Loving unconditionally and as Christ loves the church are non-negotiable. But these alone are, in my opinion, recipes for continued sexlessness.


You are right it is a recipe for continued sexlessness.
By the way Stats are done, my wife and I had a sexless marriage, as in only about 4 times a year, if that. Not counting the years where there was ZERO sex.

If I had not brought pressure on my wife we would still be living in a sexless marriage.

Mark