Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Proving Ourselves to be ‘Consistently Dedicated’

Many low and high sex drive spouses do not have a good working knowledge of what it means to be “consistently dedicated” to the marriage bed. Let me explain.

So often I read online where a high drive spouse does a ‘happy dance’ because their low drive spouse offers them a night of sexual bliss. While I understand how that could build hope for better things to come, do low drives tend to interpret this response as a sign that they themselves are 100% dedicated to the marriage bed? (ie, Well there, that ought to keep him/her satisfied for a week... or more.)

Do high drives enable that thinking in their low drive spouse by lavishing too much praise and encouragement without seeing evidence of consistent dedication? Encouragement is good, no doubt, but can it become overkill where it causes more harm than good thereby enabling inconsistent dedication? Whatever happened to ‘proving ourselves’?

The following is a comment I recently made after reading yet one more account of a high drive doing a happy dance because he was offered a night of sexual bliss. When I read these one-time accounts I want to say, “Oh please, contain your excitement until your spouse proves himself so you will not end up disappointed once again.”

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It is crucial to have good communication with our spouse regarding our MB... so that one-time sexual events do not end up only as sexual blurps on the radar.... so we will see action the very next time we want/need action, be it every day or every 2 or 3 days or whatever our frequency level may be. It is not the blurps that keep our MB healthy. It is the consistent action which takes us from day to day, week to week, month to month...

We can compare this to two people who are dedicated to their jobs. One of them puts forth 100% every day. The other is satisfied putting forth 100% once or twice a month. Which of these two people would the employer appreciate the most? Which of them would likely remain the longest in a good employer/employee relationship?

Your thoughts?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

ok- this is us. what do you suggest for conditioning the low drive partner to step up to the plate more? I have tried so many different mind games but nothing seems to produce a participating partner. I am getting about 2 full participation sessions a month and the rest are essentially a just finish event.

Leftmost said...

May I make a suggestion? I don't know where the above commenter is m/f let alone whether their partner is m/f but might I suggest exploring different forms of intimacy?

What I mean is, maybe they feel pressured in some way, pressure to orgasm, pressured to give and orgasm...perhaps they're turned off by the idea of sex because it always means PIV which they might not be willing to give atm.

Try broadening your definition of sex a little, see if that helps. Maybe if they're not in the mood for PIV, they might be in the mood for an oil massage, which doesn't not have to lead to PIV. Make sure they realize how much you enjoy them, that masturbating in the closet by your self doesn't nearly compare.

Secondly, maybe try some oral sex. Make sure you take it slow and clearly communicate that you enjoy the act of oral for it's own sake and not merely the gratification of their own orgasm.

And lastly, maybe "sex" could be some simple cuddling.

If they are reluctant to give you sex, maybe it's because one of their own needs isn't being met. Try talking with your partner to see what it is they're not getting.

Just a thought, but then, I know nothing of such matters.

Gemma said...

Anon,


Quit all the mind games. You are probably shooting yourself in the foot with them.

How would your wife rate you in how you are meeting her needs? Obviously she needs to learn more about being sexually generous. Are you generous with her needs?

Have you tried reading books together? Don't hand a book to your wife and say, "Read this and fix yourself." Instead read them aloud, together. Depending on your schedule maybe do this 3-5 days a week. The ones I would most recommend are the following, in no particular order:

*For Women Only, Feldhahn

*Intimate Issues, Dillow & Pintus

*Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies, Wendy Maltz

*Sheet Music, Leman

*The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, Schlessinger

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If neither of you are meeting each others' needs read:

*The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, Schlessinger

*Love & Respect, Eggerichs

*The Five Love Languages, Chapman

*For Women Only AND.... For Men Only (2 books)

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If all else fails read:

*Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love & Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships, Schnarch

Gemma said...

Oh yeah, If none of the above helps insist on professional counseling to get to the root of the issues.

Gemma said...

And ditto to what other poster said-- I really don't know if Anon is male or female so if you are female, just reverse what I said regarding males/females.

Gemma said...

Leftmost said:
"And lastly, maybe "sex" could be some simple cuddling."

I would have to respectfully disagree with you. When a spouse has sexual needs, cuddling does precious little to satisfy that need, unless of course real sex is allowed after the cuddling. Unfortunately many sexually reluctant spouses make like to cuddle but never EVER want it to lead to anything more, like real sex.

Inzl Kett said...

There my be emotional reason why the one partner is a low drive. Or there may a physical reasons. If there is a medical reason, than it should be addressed. But H and W need to be sensitive to each others needs. It is a two way street.

Anonymous said...

Oh- Anon here- Male. I will do whatever the mrs. would like and am passionate. How would she rate how i am meeting here sexual needs? Who knows. Sorry no talking during sex. no feedback. no that feels good or do that more. It is like charades without any hints. No kissing allowed either. Foreplay? like a formula.

I have been spinning this combination lock for 16 years and ugh. the books we have read most of them. The mrs. may increase in frequency for a while but will typically revert within weeks. Oral sex? She loves it but doesn't give it. Soooooo if I am to quit the mind games which I am fine with doing. How the heck do I get her to participate? I go into a sexual moment with the excitement of it being a first encounter.

Sorry to vent but this is such a GREAT blog that is dead on with your descriptions I would love to fix this.

The huge downside? I get hit on about once a week in my job and it frustrates me to know end to always have the opportunity of a participating partner on the 'other side of the fence'. btw I have never fallen to the temptation.

Gemma said...

Anon said: "I get hit on about once a week in my job and it frustrates me to know end to always have the opportunity of a participating partner on the 'other side of the fence'."

Good for you for not having fallen all the way into temptation but the problem lies far beyond physically falling. You are aware of those “weekly opportunities” but does your wife know about them? If she does not I would STRONGLY advise that you tell her. Not in a threatening way because that would push her further away but as your wife, she needs to know what can realistically happen if she does not change her attitude. Being LD is no excuse for being sexually selfish. One good incentive for taking on sexual generosity is to know that your spouse is not infallible.

We wrongly assume that Christians can easily avoid sexual temptation…. that the fear of God and fear of sin will keep their sexually neglected spouse faithful. Well, it does not work that way. Then when things go wrong everyone says, “The bastard, how could he have done that to his wife?” With my own story, my dh was tempted every day when seeing women IRL throughout his work day. He lusted after them, hoping to see/have in me what I never allowed him to see in me. Yes, he chose to lust with his eyes but I made it really easy for him. (ie, “accessory to sin” by counseling, by commanding, by consenting, by provoking another to sin; by praise of flattery, by concealment, by silence, or by defending that which is wrong). Twenty-five years later when he confessed it to me, I had to repent as much as he did. Hindsight- I wish I had known years earlier what took me this long to learn.

Just read on Christian marriage forums of the many neglected spouses who on a daily or weekly basis are one notch away from physically falling. And their neglectful spouses? They are so clueless because they think, “My spouse may not be perfect but he would NEVER be unfaithful.” The neglectful spouse needs to know what their behavior is doing to help push their neglected spouse over the edge. Yes, if you fall it is your own doings but if a spouse contributes to your fall through neglect, he/she is also guilty (ie, accessory to sin).

Gemma said...

PART I

Anon said: "I get hit on about once a week in my job and it frustrates me to know end to always have the opportunity of a participating partner on the 'other side of the fence'."

Good for you for not having fallen all the way into temptation but the problem lies far beyond physically falling. You are aware of those “weekly opportunities” but does your wife know about them? If she does not I would STRONGLY advise that you tell her. Not in a threatening way because that would push her further away but as your wife, she needs to know what can realistically happen if she does not change her attitude. Being LD is no excuse for being sexually selfish. One good incentive for taking on sexual generosity is to know that your spouse is not infallible.

Gemma said...

PART II

We wrongly assume that Christians can easily avoid sexual temptation…. that the fear of God and fear of sin will keep their sexually neglected spouse faithful. Well, it does not work that way. Then when things go wrong everyone says, “The bastard, how could he have done that to his wife?” With my own story, my dh was tempted every day when seeing women IRL throughout his work day. He lusted after them, hoping to see/have in me what I never allowed him to see in me. Yes, he chose to lust with his eyes but I made it really easy for him. (ie, “accessory to sin” by counseling, by commanding, by consenting, by provoking another to sin; by praise of flattery, by concealment, by silence, or by defending that which is wrong). Twenty-five years later when he confessed it to me, I had to repent as much as he did. Hindsight- I wish I had known years earlier what took me this long to learn.

Just read on Christian marriage forums of the many neglected spouses who on a daily or weekly basis are one notch away from physically falling. And their neglectful spouses? They are so clueless because they think, “My spouse may not be perfect but he would NEVER be unfaithful.” The neglectful spouse needs to know what their behavior is doing to help push their neglected spouse over the edge. Yes, if you fall it is your own doings but if a spouse contributes to your fall through neglect, he/she is also guilty (ie, accessory to sin).

Anonymous said...

Yes, the longer term proves it. We have been to marriage counciling twice. The councilor told my wife if she didn't get with it, I might leave her. She told me she was sorry for the bad years.

She increased her interest in sex for about 1 or 2 months and that was it. I guess she just doesn't care.

Gemma said...

So when she stopped showing interest after those 1-2 months, what did you do? Was there ever an ultimatum given? (ie, If you can't consistently do this for our marriage bed, ----- then this is what I will do next.) There has to be consequences for bad choices we make, whether it's choices to do something bad or choices to ignore something we should be doing like enjoying frequent, passionate sex.

When she stopped showing interest did you continue giving her everything she wanted and needed? Was she able to put the sex aside and just go on her merry way with her life as she knows it?