Saturday, October 2, 2010

Air, food, affection, sex...

GR and I have an understanding- Either of us are free to wake the other for sex. It usually works the first time around although we have times where the outcome is unexpected. Some nights, one of us tries to wake the other but if the other is sleeping too heavily we rest/sleep a little more and try again OR… and here is where the unexpected comes in. Other times, later in the night the heavy sleeper wakes and initiates sex and we finally enjoy a good romp.

We experienced this again last night. GR woke first and could not wake me and then later I woke and did the initiating. As long as we are being reasonable with each other (ie, grace during sickness, exhaustion), my husband and I have no restrictive rules about when sex will or will not take place, even during the night. If one spouse wants it, it is “a go”. For a married couple, agreeing to sex should be as natural as offering air to breathe or food to eat or affection for the soul. When we love someone we want to see them healthy and well in all areas of their life.

What are different ways to help a clueless spouse understand that sex is not an optional, part-time hobby… that it is as necessary as affection? If a spouse does not want to “get it” after having it explained, do you feel it would be wrong to offer an object lesson to help get the message across? I am thinking about a lesson where you tell the spouse ahead that you will be withholding affection for a couple of days just to help them understand what it is like to need something from a spouse that is not freely given.

16 comments:

Brian Cordell said...

Object lessons often follow the rule of unintended results and are pretty rough on a marriage relationship. I think word pictures are lower risk and can accomplish much the same result. If the word picture fails, its much easier to fall back and regroup than with an object lesson.

ivan said...

I have lots of thoughts on your third paragraph. But my question today is more about the first two.
How long does it take for you to get aroused when GR wakes you up? Part of me sees this post and it looks instant. But part of me says that can't be. But for middle of the night sex, a 4 hour wind up wouldn't work either.
I guess I've come to realize that when my wife offers her body, but doesn't engage her mind in it, sex feels very empty. I'm looking for ways to help her take the time to get engaged. She isn't usually interested in spending that time.

David Payne said...

Woah, it's great to hear about your marriage but I find it hard to imagine my wife responding to being woken in the middle of the night... I will think about the idea of witholding affection.. but I don't think it would have the desired effect. I'll keep praying as your D/H did for so long. Bless you

Gemma said...

ivan said:
“How long does it take for you to get aroused when GR wakes you up?.... But for middle of the night sex, a 4 hour wind up wouldn't work either…. I guess I've come to realize that when my wife offers her body, but doesn't engage her mind in it, sex feels very empty. I'm looking for ways to help her take the time to get engaged.”

When GR wakes me it usually only takes minutes before I’m aroused but then you have to understand… when I’m sleeping he has free reign to touch me any where on my body. I’ve woken on occasion to feeling his fingers inside me. How can someone NOT get quickly aroused when that happens? He has the golden touch, lol, and knows exactly what to do when I’m sleeping. I do the same when I’m waking him up for sex. A four hour wind up when one spouse is sleeping??? Do you mean four hours of foreplay??? I don’t think we’ve ever had four hours of foreplay, not even with both of us awake. We’ve gone 1-2 hours but not four. And when one of us initiates while the other is sleeping, our foreplay is usually just minutes… kind of like when you have a quickie. When I’m the one sleeping, once we’re having sex I decide then if I want to pursue an O or not. When I’m half asleep I can engage in sex well enough to be enthused for my dh even if I’m too tired to O but other times I do choose to O after being woken. GR usually O’s about 99% of the time that we have middle-of-the-night sex but we both are able to engage just fine during these times. I mean, if your spouse seems to not want to have sex… well, yeah, that would feel empty. And I know that some people can’t stand to be woke during the night for anything. For a low-SD spouse, foreplay is probably the best way for them to become engaged... that and they also need to discipline their thinking during foreplay and during sex. You can't be aroused while you're worrying about the house, the job, the kids, etc. You have to focus.

Gemma said...

David said:
“I find it hard to imagine my wife responding to being woken in the middle of the night... I'll keep praying as your D/H did for so long.”

Like I told ivan just above here… some people can’t take being woke during the night for sex. My dh and I are both fine with it.

By all means, pray, but if you don’t take some sort of proactive stance you’re liable to find yourself, God forbid, praying for over 25 years like my poor dh did. Nobody should have to wait that long for their spouse to learn how to respond in a positive way in the marriage bed.

Anonymous said...

We occasionally have middle-of-the-night sex too but only when we both happen to be awake.

Withholding affection: This seems wrong to me. In child rearing, that's a bad discipline technique. I can't see how it would be good for a marriage either.

David, we will pray for you and your wife. ~K&R

Gemma said...

Anon,

Do you have any difficult children? One of ours has been this way since birth. A quirk of hers is that she easily pushes affection away for no good reason. When she gets in that mode the only thing that takes her back out of it is when her dad, sibling and I withhold affection from her. Then she goes, "Oh, am I doing it again?" In our household, withholding affection is not a bad technique but a necessary one.

Anonymous said...

Your daughter sounds like a unique situation. My father withheld affection from me when I was growing up. I was a "daddy's girl" and if I messed up, that was his way of punishing me. It took me many years to heal from it. Unfortunately, he and I don't have a good relationship now. And I also believe that it caused me to have problems relating to my husband properly for many years so from where I'm sitting, I just can't see how withholding affection could possibly be a good thing for a marriage. ~K

Ancient Mariner said...

For us, it was a willingness to try new things, with the goal of strengthening our marriage. When I first read about it on this blog, I was incredulous. But Gemma planted a seed in my mind, so I asked my wife very tentatively. She was all for it, even giving me a jar of coconut oil to use on her if she was not wet. Still, I waited weeks before I hesitantly woke her up one night. It was erotic yet deeply romantic at the same time.

The next morning, with a smile on her face, she asked me, "what took you so long?"

The boundaries I had so carefully constructed were only in my mind. I say ask your spouse. You might be surprised by their answer. Even if you aren't, if you don't push, you won't move from your current situation.

Fuel Injector said...

My wife and I sort of discussed this last night. It seems that I have been taking her health and the fact that my first wife slept around on me and built a mental image that each sexual encounter must be fantastic or I have blown it. When I asked about having sex when we need it, she said "sex is like air and food". Apparently we could have been enjoying a lot more sex if I had not been thinking of it as earned or a gift and more like a very delicious favorite meal. Apparently she means it when she says I'm sexy (to her) and I have been making to much work out of it. My wife is very much a planning person, but apparently this is one area I need to learn to "live in the now"

Charis said...

Gemma, how can I interest my husband in doing this? Or just having sex more frequently? I have mentioned to him that he can wake me up anytime. He's a very deep sleeper, so once he's asleep, I think it'll be hard for him to wake up anyway. But, I'm a very light sleeper and this would be really enjoyable for me. What do you suggest?

Gemma said...

Charis,

I take it that your dh is the lower-SD of the two of you? If you are the light sleeper and the one who wants more sex why don't you get him aroused during the night and see what happens? In fact, if you are the higher-SD I'm guessing that in order for you guys to have sex more frequently you will be the one who will have to do most of the initiating. Are you?

Charis said...

Gemma, I dont want to jump the gun and say my husband has lower SD. I think his work schedule lends a lot into the fact that we dont have sex as much. He works 12 hr days and I know he's exhausted. But, I do ALL of the initiating, which is tiresome for my part. I flirt with him, but he doesnt with me. It's not that he doesnt want it, I know. But I'm also hoping and praying he will initiate more. I would like to speak to him honestly about this, but not sure how to do it without hurting his feelings...?

Gemma said...

Charis,

My dh's job keeps him away from home a minimum of 10-11 hours per day; that's on a good week. At the same time my dh enjoys and needs frequent sex so he and I both initiate 50/50. While your dh's work may be a contributing factor it does sound like he has a lower-SD than you. That's why I'm suggesting that you be the arouser, for the most part.

This is one of the age old problems. Those who are HD often complain that their lower-SD spouse never or rarely initiate. The only way these lower-SD spouses will get in the habit is if they make it a priority to become more sexually generous... in other words, if they enthusiastically and passionately do it because it's the right thing to do.

Choose a time when your dh is not exhausted or even tired and when you are not in the bedroom. Prepare some simple appetizers and drinks, get comfortable and start talking in a non-threatening way. If you don't talk, he will never know, you will continue having that break in communication and it will only increase tension between you.

Are you fairly newlywed? Is that why talking about this seems so scary?

Charis said...

Yea, we've only been married over a yr and a half. And we just had a baby. His job is fairly new also and we moved in with his parents over the summer... sigh...

landschooner said...

"As long as we are being reasonable with each other (ie, grace during sickness, exhaustion), my husband and I have no restrictive rules about when sex will or will not take place, even during the night. If one spouse wants it, it is “a go”. For a married couple, agreeing to sex should be as natural as offering air to breathe or food to eat or affection for the soul. When we love someone we want to see them healthy and well in all areas of their life. "

Sounds like heaven to me : )

You two are truly blessed to have arrived at this place. Its nice to know its possible.