Thursday, September 23, 2010

D/s relationships & bondage revisited

Bunnyhunch commented on my last post to say:
“You ask whether there a topic we'd like to see discussed here. DH and I were just reading the posts and talking about your your question. The first thing out of his mouth: "Well, you know what the longest and most interesting discussion was..." Of course, he's referring to something that actually is related, to some extent, to the topic of headship/submission: Dom/sub relationships & bondage. Where better to discuss this topic and learn? We're certainly ready to revisit it.”

I am game to discussing this if some of you are interested. This is not a topic that is readily welcomed on most Christian forums but I find it fascinating so I enjoy discussing it here. A D/s relationship can bring the marriage to a whole different level, one of both excitement and contentment. The feminist thinking that was pumped into me back in the 70’s did me a terrible disservice. I am glad to have that behind me now. Being a wife/sub married to a husband/dom suits me just fine.

While I am here, Anon asked:
“For those that DO enjoy some spanking in the marriage, some "how-to" discussion? Positions, what implements if any, how far do you go, etc.?”

Up until now GR has only spanked me with either his hand or our 18 inch, black, leather paddle but our paddle is rather long. We plan to buy a shorter one, too, as it would be more portable. My personal favorite spanking positions are with me standing and bent over at the waist, kneeling, being on my stomach across GR’s lap or draped over our Esse. Our spreader bar works great for spankings and for... other things. It has four velcro cuffs on it to fasten ankles and wrists. Just for added effect when getting spanked, I am often wearing my leather collar and chain leash.

When we go on dates GR likes me to wear the leather collar with my large silver locket dangling from it OR... I wear my slave collar, courtesy of Lowe's. Yes, we actually went jewelry shopping at Lowe's and ended up purchasing from them a large-linked, stainless steel piece of chain along with a tiny padlock. Voila, instant slave collar! GR keeps the padlock key on his key chain but I also have a copy of the key just to be safe. For the locket photo I took a close-up of GR's face one day just after he O'd... priceless.

It can be extremely erotic to be told to go to our room, strip and get into whatever position GR wants me in before he enters the room to issue a spanking or... other things. Hey ladies, do not knock it until you try it. We are not much like those Taken in Hand couples. I do not misbehave to get spanked [rolling eyes]. In fact, our spanking is all about the sex. And I have no desire to spank GR. He has no desire to be spanked. We do not switch. He is always the dom and I am always the sub.

Comments? Questions? Ideas?

21 comments:

boltver said...

Your enthusiasm for each other is encouraging. But is it possible that both of you have the same excitement and energy for bondage? If one of you has less desrie, or enthusiam for bondage does that make it difficult to partipate in, for the lesser? I mean, is it love that keeps bondage play going or is it the excitement on both of your parts? Is it possible that this is a 'try it and you'll love it kind of thing?" I just wonder how it would work for us (my wife and I), with different particpation levels.

Thanks

SD

Gemma said...

Mmmm, I wouldn't say that GR and I have the exact same excitement for bondage. To be honest, if I hadn't begun reading about it 4 years ago and wouldn't have mentioned it to my husband, he probably would not have thought it up on his own. He's just not a naturally creative or curious person... which is what I think causes a spouse to want to learn about bondage play.

Now a big part of why it wasn't difficult for my dh when I first talked to him about it... for over 25 years he waited to have a wife who was enthused about sex. After all those years I approach him and say, "I have this exciting idea for our marriage bed." What was he going to do, say, "No, that's too kinky"? Of course not. Instead, he used his head and figured that since he didn't see anything wrong with it from a Christian POV, he was going to give it a try because I thought it might be fun. Once he tried it.. yes, he did like it and discovered a whole different side of his personality. So in the beginning his participation was "love" but as we moved in that direction his "love" became coupled with "excitement" so that now we DO HAVE the excitement for bondage.

You say that you and your dw have different participation levels. I'm not exactly sure what you mean by that. Does it mean your dw isn't very enthused about sex in general or does it mean that she's not very enthused about bondage or is it something else?

boltver said...

After 26 yrs of marriage, we are in our early 50’s, I would say that my dw is in part generally not very enthused about sex. But it is not that she is not enthused about sex or shut down to our activities. To her sex is 85 to 90% mechanical with light to moderate effort beyond that. She might try something new and really enjoy it, as long as it is more of a mechanical act(s). She might comment on how much she enjoyed it for days. Then never bring it up again, request it, etc. It is forgotten. For example we tried outdoor sex recently, the house was empty and the sun sets early in the Fall now it was perfectly safe in our walled within a walled garden, and she loved it. She would say that in trying something new she put her 100% effort into it. And I would 100 % agree that she did. But that does not mean that her 100% effort, Lord bless her, is what is needed to do something like love through bondage, dress up and make love, play with feathers, etc. Her mechanical effort in bondage would end up being something like playing jail with her holding he key. That would be awkward, like me telling Barney Fife what to do from my jail cell.

I think perhaps that she would love to introduce bondage play so long as she could sit in her office as warden and not deal with me the prisoner. Bondage would never work for us. I was asking you to see if you two dealt with different interest, energy, effort, levels in your marriage at some point and if so how.

Respectfully,

SD

bunnyhunch said...

Boltver, in our case the interest is primarily on my part. It is a bit out of his comfort zone, not because he thinks it's wrong, but because it isn't in his nature to take what he wants from me sexually. However, because I find it so erotic, he has been willing to pursue this with me and he has taken pleasure in seeing how much I enjoy it.

If it is something you'd like to explore, why don't you just try something mild, like tying her to the bed sometime with a couple of silk scarves &/or using a blindfold. You would be in complete control and could pleasure her to your heart's content, and she just might and comment for days on end on how much she enjoyed it.

That fact that you've been married 26 years doesn't mean you can't breathe new life into your marriage bed. FWIW, it took us nearly that many. We've been married 25 now, and the real fun started only within the last couple of years. There's plenty of time!

Gemma said...

Boltver, we've been married almost 30 years. My dh's in his 60's and I'm in my 50's. It's never too late to make changes in your marriage bed.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say that your wife sees sex as "90% mechanical". Can you explain?

Ancient Mariner said...

First there is sex:

my dw had been playing absent-mindedly with my package for over an hour. Finally, I became so aroused that I pushed her roughly down on the couch, hilted myself in one stroke, and started thrusting in violent, deep lunges. She was in danger of getting pounded off the couch so she braced herself with a leg and an arm on the floor, but that only helped me by making her more open to me...

But she LOVED it, and that is how our D/s sex began. D/s intensifies sexual pleasure for us; there is nothing more erotic that to hear my demure wife beg to be used in whatever way pleases her master.

But then there is everything else:

the characteristics which make a man go after and mount a woman to dominate her completely are not always the best for navigating all the other areas of our modern lives. For that, the input of women, who are just as intelligent as men and in many ways better able to make rational decisions, is important. I have heard that the housing meltdown which led to the Great Recession was caused primarily by men on a testosterone high making ever riskier bets with our money. I wonder what would have happened if more women had been at the helm? And we have all heard of Lysistrata, the Greek comedy where the women deny sex to their men until they stop warring. This actually happened in Colombia in 2006. An innovative, unusual idea which men (obviously) would never have thought of.

I think all sex has an element of D/s, because as men, we are the ones doing the penetrating, while the women are on their backs or on their knees being held down and penetrated. Obviously there are many degrees of D/s, from being restricted to just the bedroom only, all the way to encompassing every aspect people’s everyday lives. It is up to each couple to determine their comfort level.

I have known many intelligent, capable women in my life, and the world would be a poorer place without their intellectual input. I would most certainly not want to deny women a say in the world. I come from a traditional matriarchal society, and it works just fine. Also, I would not want to deny women the right to vote, or force my wife to vote the way I do, just because she does not have a ball sac and penis dangling between her legs, and I do. (Can anyone say “Taliban”?)

Leftmost said...

Do you have any experience with pegging? Just wanted to gather a woman's perspective on it.

Gemma said...

Nope. Neither my husband or I have any interest in pegging. Perhaps one of my readers can help you out.

Gemma said...

Ancient Mariner said:
"I think all sex has an element of D/s, because as men, we are the ones doing the penetrating, while the women are on their backs or on their knees being held down and penetrated. Obviously there are many degrees of D/s...It is up to each couple to determine their comfort level."

I would only add that in some D/s relationships the wife is the domm and the husband is the sub. I can't wrap my brain around that arrangement but I know that some couples prefer it that way.

Mike said...

To answer the question "For those that DO enjoy some spanking in the marriage, some "how-to" discussion? Positions, what implements...".

Mostly I use the hand. But she like a leather belt or a long ruler. The ruler gives a nice sharp slap.

Anonymous said...

So I am wondering, how far do you all go with your spanking? DW prefers bare hand above anything else, and lately it seems that the harder the spanking, the more intense the O afterward. (No punishment stuff going on here, she just loves the burn coupled with the pleasure.)

So where do you all think it stops in a Christian marriage? Light pink bottom, bright red, more? Tears or not? We're still learning so much about each other, but I want to make sure we don't go too far with this.

Gemma said...

Anon said:
"So where do you all think it stops in a Christian marriage? Light pink bottom, bright red, more? Tears or not?.... I want to make sure we don't go too far with this."

It stops where the husband and wife want it to stop so any "stopping point" will be different for each couple. I would say that being in complete agreement should go for any marriage, Christian or non. If you're in agreement, you won't go too far.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Gemma, it stops when a couple wants it to stop. My DW likes to be spanked hard. I have never had a problem with this. She also likes to be completely dominated.

bunnyhunch said...

DH and I have been looking for some instruction in the D/s area, and recently purchased the book, Different Loving. We're not very far into it, just finishing part 1, reading and discussing as we go. Our discussions have been very good, but WOW. It's a tough book in that there's so much perversion - at least the way I see it. I'm planning to skip a few particular chapters as I am a very visual person, and anything I read I can picture in my head. I don't want a lot of those images in my head.

Can anyone suggest a book or web site that can tutor us without going into extremes? If anyone else has read DL, what in particular did you find helpful?

I think I was a bit naive when I purchased it!

Gemma said...

Bunnyhunch,

Different Loving is not a Christian book, as you can see. If you're interested in learning it's a great resource as long as you pick and choose your way through it. The Loving Dominant, John & Libby Warren, ISBN: 1890159727 …. is written kind of on that same level. You may find Erotic Slavehood to be much lighter and easier to read than the other two books. All three books are very informative.

Erotic Slavehood: A Miss Abernathy Omnibus, C. Abernathy, ISBN: 1890159719

bunnyhunch said...

While I knew enough not to expect anything in it to be from a Christian perspective, I was surprised to find myself feeling disturbed at much of its contents.

Maybe partly what bothered me was that in the past (pre-awakening) when I read anything regarding sex from a secular source, I automatically dismissed anything that strayed at all from vanilla, "knowing" that it was "wrong". The irony is that I read those books in order to spice things up in our marriage bed. I didn't get very far of course, by throwing out the very things that would have added variety!

I have been determined to look at this book more openly, not willing to automatically toss things out that are different from what I perceive as "normal", but it's so far removed than anything else I've ever read, my feelings are quite mixed. Still, I'm determined to keep reading, though I will leave out several specific sections, which seems reasonable to me.

Last night I finished Section 1 and moved on to Section 2: Imagination and Desire. The first two chapters, dealing with power, head trips, and role playing struck a chord with me. I'm now ahead of DH in reading, and can't wait for him to catch up so we can discuss the material.

I do appreciate your lists of suggested reading, on this and other subjects.

Gemma said...

bunnyhunch,

When I read these types of books, as much as possible, I use my imagination to pretend that they are talking about a married couple who are alone and enjoying their marriage bed. That's one thing that works for me ;-).

Some may look at my book list and think that I don't care what I read. On the contrary, I take much care in picking and choosing which books to purchase and read. I've bought a few 'duds' and then tossed them out but the books on my list are all keepers as far as I'm concerned.

His Milkmaid said...

I haven't seen this mentioned in this post, but I love to have my hair pulled. Not yanked out of course... Just taken by a large fist full close to the scalp by one or both hands, and held or led to a position, sometimes with some "scolding."

For us, this is all occasional bedroom play, or occasional date night play leading up to bedroom play.

I our "real world" I am a submissive wife who likes mutual respect.

In our play we "switch," taking turns in the roles. Also, sometimes we are "obedient" and sometimes rebellious." Being all for fun, our props are just novelties.

This "play" helped us feel even freer to explore and try new things and to give more specific directions/corrections without hurting the other person's feelings. It started us on a deeper level of communication that I did not even know we were missing.

I couldn't imagine not switching the sex slave role. I think we would have missed out on a lot.

Since it is just for temporary play, my DH enjoys my dominating. He gets the chance to be aggressively ravished and become an object of my selfish enjoyment. It has taken some though, for me to be able to play this role. Being the slave is much easier for me.

bunnyhunch said...

His Milkmaid: Since it is just for temporary play, my DH enjoys my dominating. He gets the chance to be aggressively ravished and become an object of my selfish enjoyment. It has taken some though, for me to be able to play this role. Being the slave is much easier for me.

HM, you say it has taken some time to play the dominant role. Have you been able to fully get into it? I think my dh would like it if I tried switching sometime, but as hard as it was for him to aggressively dominate me, it will be even harder for me to dominate him. I'm willing to give it a try, though. Any suggestions?

Anonymous said...

My dw regularly spanks me. With us it is not that she dominates me but does it when I ask her to. I am in control of it because that is how she is. I have tried it on her but realise she is never going to like it.

Hismilkmaid said...

The first time, I played it over and over in my head for days, fanitizing about different actions. It helped me get more use to the idea. I actually got quite excited, and that helped. :) This is going to be you chance to say toch me here, like this... adding all the details of speed and pressure.
I worked at changing my tone of voice, and I dressed for the part so it would help both of us "remember our place." I told him it was all about me. That I was going to use him to please myself... which is what I had to decided earlier. I was honest with myself, and asked myself, if only my pleasure was a consideration, what would I do. Of course I knew in my heart that being "used" as an object of pleasure would be a real turn on for him, so it was ok.
Find an old button down shirt or Tshirt and cut a tiny slit near the neck line or snip a few threads on the buttons. Then pick out what he will wear. By the time you tear it off of him, push him down on the bed and tie his wrists return in your mind to the things you thought about earlier.

If it is just play, it may help to remmber that you are an actress playing a part on a stage. It has to be believable so you "enter into character" ealier in the day puting on a take charge attatude, and holding on to it. I littlerally practed my voice and body language in front of a mirror a few days before. It was all so new to me, and I wanted to be sure that I could do it without looking silly. It helped my confidence.

The cool thing is, when we switched back, he was even more dominate than before.
I hope this helps.