Welcome to "Passion Within Marriage"! I am Gemma, a 55 year old wife married to my very hot, slightly older 61 year old husband. For over 25 years, from the beginning of our marriage until Dec 2006, I was a sexual refuser. Now, I thoroughly enjoy frequent, passionate sex with my husband. For a *recently written*, slightly more detailed telling of my story, please read my first blog entry of February 23, 2008 at the bottom of that page.
If you're curious to know the details *as I told them in Jan 2007* immediately following my transition, please read on. Be forewarned- You may see some startling similarities to things in your own marriage.
How I Went From Being a Refusing Wife to Becoming My Husband's Sex Toy: The Story Of My Awakening
A transformation has taken place between my dh, GR, and me. From the time we were married and for over 25 years, I put him through torture by refusing sex. At first we were having sex a few times a week. Then it dropped to once a week, then once a month, once every few months, once a year. At our lowest point, it was as seldom as every 2-3 years. Frankly, I'm still amazed that he stayed with me and remained faithful.
Not to excuse my sin of refusal, I was battling with many emotional and physical issues. To name a few of them:
1. promiscuous lifestyle prior to meeting GR 2. infertility in both of us 3. 20 married years of legalistic/abusive churches 4. severe female problems necessitating emergency hyster at a young age 5. use of BC pills on/off before and during marriage to help manage the female problems 6. my wrong thinking that dh only wanted me for sex
... and the list goes on. For many of those "refusing" years GR tried to interest me in enjoying sex; nothing worked. Finally, he reached a point where he saw that all the begging, pleading, pushing and prodding was not going to move me. He stepped way back and began a life of hard, intensive prayer. The more GR prayed the more God changed his heart. You see, he was teachable, I was not.
GR and I often prayed together but the focus was rarely on my sins as I (wrongly) thought I was the more spiritual of the two of us. On my own, I frequently prayed and read my Bible while simultaneously living in my "sin habit". During this time we were fully involved in legalistic church leadership, always there when the doors were open..... while behind closed doors, I refused sex to my dh. All our friends thought we were the loving Christian couple. (Sounds familiar?)
We seriously needed a dramatic church change because our church life was not helping our marriage, in fact, it was doing more harm than good. In the year 2000 we walked completely away from the Protestant Faith and we walked towards Christian Orthodoxy. This one change made a huge difference in how I viewed Christianity (ie, No more hidden sin.) and how we related to each other as husband and wife.
Please do not be offended if you are a Protestant or Roman Catholic Christian. GR and I have many close friends and family members who belong to both Faiths. If your current Christian Faith works for you, wonderful, stay with it! Neither the Protestant or the Roman Catholic Faith helped to enhance our marriage and our marriage bed.
As GR's prayers became more intense, God turned our relationship upside down. I saw a side of my husband that I had never seen before and it caused me to desire sexual oneness with him, although, I still didn't know how to achieve it. Because of years of me sexually rejecting him, GR wasn't reaching for me emotionally or sexually and I still wasn't reaching for him but by this time we were both, individually, praying hard.
I stumbled upon Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book: _The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands_ and had a rude awakening when reading it. Later, I ran into the forum at themarriagebed.com , where I lurked for weeks trying to understand how sex in a Christian marriage could be fun and fulfilling and how it could lead our relationship into healing and restoration.
As I lurked at TMB, armed with Dr. Laura's wisdom, a light bulb turned on and I finally could see that I held the key to jumpstart our relationship. I told GR what I was learning and in December 2006, on MY initiative, we began acting on my awakened sexual desire. For the first time in over 25 years we were finally and frequently enjoying passionate sex.
Our communication has moved up to a totally different level. Just the other night I asked GR how many times a week he'd like to have sex. You can imagine after 25+ years without, he's still not ready to accept that this awakening is "for real" and he's setting the bar low to avoid disappointment so he replied, "Oh, I guess about once a week would be nice. What do you think?" I told him, "2-3 times a week for starters! Is that OK with you?" Only.......
We never did put into practice the 2-3 times a week frequency. Instead we went straight from "no sex" to having sex every single day and often twice a day. Thus began our lifestyle of passionate, daily sex and of me joyfully becoming "GR's sex toy". I wear that title as a 'badge of honor'. It is a reminder for me to always put my husband first and to keep him sexually satisfied at all times.... which he does for me as well.
Have hope. Pray hard. Talk earnestly with your spouse. Get counseling. Don't put off the things you CAN do to begin turning your marriage around. I changed after 25 years so there is no reason why others cannot change. Especially if others are open to professional therapy and earnestly work through their emotional issues... their chances of change are very good. Please, 'come and see'. Sit. Stay a while. Thank you for visiting me at "Passion Within Marriage".