Thursday, June 3, 2010

Omission- Do you see this as deceptive?

Something I read yesterday at another website has me puzzled. This gal, who is engaged to be married in two months, was saying that her future husband does not know of her sexual past. He has told her many times how important it is for him to marry a "pure virgin" and yet she does not think it is wrong of her to keep that information from him.

Her logic--- She says that she is not lying to him. He has assumed that she is, indeed, a virgin and has not asked so she has not bothered to tell him otherwise.

Many of us were not virgins when we married so I am not faulting her for her past. It is just that I think it to be horribly deceptive for someone to not clarify this with a future spouse so he/she can make an informed decision about whether or not they want to pursue a marriage. I just cannot believe that a Christian would lie about this to their future spouse.

How would you weigh in on this situation? In your circle of Christian friends is it common to lie about a sexual past? I am just appalled! Is it just me? Am I reacting too strongly?

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

I also find it appalling. I feel she is marrying under false pretenses and legally she would be entering into a contract through falsehood. Morally, it is also disturbing that she would be deceptive so early in their relationship. To allow him to believe a lie about her and not correct it...it lying in my not so humble opinion. I would counsel her to fess up ASAP and I would tell him to reconsider marrying her!

Anonymous said...

Big mistake. To start off a marriage with deception is not smart. I,m with you, bad idea.

Ren said...

I also have to agree, that for a young woman in this day and age, not coming up with the truth about the past-much less the sexual past-will always in some way come back to hurt him and her. I pray that the Holy Ghost somehow reveals to him wisdom to confront her! That will help, and I too hope he really reconsiders going through with it.

Anonymous said...

This is dishonest and dangerous. The penalty for this specific deception in the Old Testament Law was death by stoning by the entire town -- it was NOT taken lightly, and although we shouldn't perform anything like that sentence, we should not take it lightly either.

The 'nice' way of looking at this is that both potential spouses should fully know the others' struggles, past and present, so that they can commit to helping protect one another with a full heart.

The less optimistic way of looking at this is that without this knowledge, the deceived spouse will NOT see where a danger to their marriage is coming from until it's far, far too late.

Mark 9:24 said...

Starting a marriage based upon a lie is very very bad.
He needs to know how deceptive his "future wife" is.
If she will do this, how many other things will she justify and lie about?

Mark

Dawn @ Intimacy in Relationships said...

I agree with you and with the comments posted here. A relationship based on a foundation of lies and deceit will not work long-term. Lies might be a quick-fix solution to any relationship, however, they are also the main reason why some relationships fail. I think it's always important to put one's self in his / her partner's shoes: what would I feel if I found out my partner has lied to me? This would allow an individual to ruminate if lying is worth it at all.

verticaldistance said...

Yes, she is wrong for that. I just hope that he isn't being a hypocrite about HIS sexual past. Males expecting something out of females for themselves what they wouldn't do themselves angers me more.

Cocotte said...

I can't imagine dating anyone for any length of time and not discussing past sexual experience. In this day and age, it is a matter of life and death!

As it turned out on that thread, it appears that he was lying to her as well, although we never got the full story. Any time you 'lie' by neglecting to tell your significant other something, you run the risk of them finding out eventually (and being really pissed) or you yourself deal with the guilt and live with the hangups. Good luck to both of them as they will sorely need it!

jena said...

Mistake on her part. Much better to be open and honest with each other. Secrets will lead to more secrets and more problems in the future.

Gemma said...

Yeah, I saw the outcome, Cocotte. It's like one liar engaged to be married to another liar. How sad is that?

ukFred said...

I also saw that thread and my immediate thought was that both of this engaged couple need to watch Henry Cloud's 6 1/2 minute video on the value of honesty. His concept of the 'takeaway' which encompasses those areas of omission as well as the telling untruths has a lot to say to all of us.

job29man said...

It's a lie. It's a recipe for disaster too.

Anonymous said...

What this girl is doing is evil. So evil that it was a death penalty crime in the Old Testament.