Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Does your wiring need an upgrade?

I just read one of the most pathetic excuses for a couple to miss out on having sex. A husband was preoccupied playing games on the computer. His wife was dropping hints and even stripped in front of him, to no avail. I know, hints do not usually work. She went to bed horny, tired and angry. She ended up masturbating and then went to sleep. In the morning when they discussed the happenings of the previous night the husband tells her- I masturbated before I went to sleep. Why didn't you just tell me that you wanted to have sex?

Can we say "time for a rewiring"? Do you often find yourself without a good connection (ie, good communication) between you and your spouse regarding your marriage bed? Do you or your spouse recognize it right away or do you find yourself going around and around the same 'bush'? GR and I see this crop up occasionally but it frustrates the daylights out of us so badly that we spot it early and deal with it. We prefer the direct approach.

Do you and your spouse often talk to each other in different languages? Do you think it is more loving to grin and bare it to avoid conflict when you and your spouse are not communicating well OR... do you find it best to be honest and direct with your words (ie, You are pissing me off. Why?) OR... do you have another method which works for you?


Shanel said...

Me and my spouse are definitely disconnecting regarding the marriage bed.... I am constantly trying to figure ways to make the topic more open and honest between us both... we are a really young couple and I desperately want us to have to best marriage that we can have.

Gemma said...

Are you still in the newlywed phase?

Are one or both of you shy about discussing details of your marriage bed?

Are one or both of you in the habit of dropping hints rather than directly stating your thoughts, needs, desires, etc.?

Are both of you sexually generous spouses or does one of you have a problem with being sexually selfish? (We need to be willing to call it what it is. We are either sexually generous or we are sexually selfish.)

You don't have to answer my questions here if you'd rather not. I only asked them to try and help you pinpoint the problems.

Has one or both of you entered the marriage with 'baggage' from your past which could be haunting the present? (ie, CSA, promiscuity lifestyle as a single, premarital sex which often causes guilt after the wedding, negative sex-ed from parents or church, etc.)

Shanel said...

Gemma we've been married for 4 yrs and I wonder if we are both shy about talking about sex because we are still young and still learning so much... when we are together its great.. wonderful.. awesome... but I know that there is more.... more that we should be doing.. more that we should be discussing. your blog is great btw.... I've learned a lot already.

Mark 9:24 said...

DW and I "used" to have our wires crossed, but no more.

I don't understand how a husband can be so preoccupied with one toy that he totally misses it when his other "toy" wants to play with him.

FYI, my wifes favorite sexy name that I have for her is when I call her my F**K Toy. ;-)


Gemma said...

Shanel said: "...I wonder if we are both shy about talking about sex because we are still young and still learning so much..."

If you think you are both shy talking about it, you probably are. Have you tried reading marriage bed books aloud together and discussing what you read? I'm thinking something like Sheet Music. The only way I know of to put the shyness behind you is to practice talking about sex.... and, of course, spend time together reading forums and blogs pertaining to the marriage bed;-).

Hiswildcherry47 said...

Hi Shanel,
I wonder if you have thought about how to reach out to your man for yourself and not worry about how he is reaching out to you.
That sounds like fighting talk from me but I have found that I was actually a lousy communicator when for years I prided myself at being very clear when I talked to people about what I felt.

It came as a huge shock to my ego when I finally listened to my husband and my children about my inability to truly communicate with them!

I would assume they thought like me thus would say things without checking if they either agreed or disagreed with me at all. Insufferable pride but from a genuine heart which meant God could get through to me, eventually...

To fix myself, I have been making an effort to listen more to whomever is talking to me instead of assuming I know what they are wanting to say, beforehand.
It has been a learning curve which resulted in a few depressing times for me. I am slowly getting to where I can hear what others are saying and am muzzling my mouth more versus spouting my wisdom all the time.

And here I have blown my own horn once more ;-) I hope you may be at least interested in thinking about what I am learning.
God bless you and your man for many years to come.

job29man said...


We've never relied on hints or signals. If my subtle signals are ignored I just come out and say what I want. If I think that there will be a last minute schedule crunch precluding sex I say...

"Honey, I'm giving you 4 hours advanced notice. I want to have sex tonight at 10 pm. Please arrange your schedule to accommodate that."

She appreciates the advanced warning so there are no hurt feelings later on.