Friday, May 14, 2010

Blech, sex is dirty!

Husbands, does your wife still live with that "I-feel-dirty-having-sex" syndrome? Wives, do you feel sex is dirty even in marriage?

Some young girls unfortunately grow up with the mentality that sex is dirty instead of being told that it is a gift from God which brings married couples to a higher level of intimacy. They often cannot on their own make the necessary transition from "single, good girl" who believes sex is dirty to becoming "married, hot wife" who loves being sexually intimate and who totally embraces her own sexuality. Instead, they marry and go from "sex is dirty" as a single to thinking that "nothing's changed. sex is still dirty".

Add to that--- If a bride has low/no sex drive AND she still thinks sex is dirty... well, the MB does not have a chance to thrive. If the MB is to become alive she needs to go through a renewing of her mind. It may take books on topic or it may take a third party to help her understand.

How come she cannot just believe what her husband is telling her? Does she not trust him? She cannot believe it because her pink (female) ears are hearing from her husband's blue (male) mouth, "I want you to enjoy sex because I need it," not that husbands are saying that but it is how she hears it in the translation. The wife I describe is more into emotional intimacy rather than sex so she hears her husband but she thinks, "All he wants is sex. He does not love me because if he did, he would think like me and prefer emotional intimacy over sex."

Am I making any sense? This wife has to learn that emotional closeness comes with good sex and the husband has to learn that good sex comes from emotional closeness. The emotional and the sexual intimacy cannot be separated. When you leave one out, the other goes down the toilet. For all of this to work, it takes two people with healthy views of sex who are willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work to become as one.... who are willing to meet each others' needs as generous spouses.

Below I have listed a few books from my book list in the right sidebar, which may help if a wife has not read them. If she has, then it is time to pull them off the shelf, blow off the dust and read them again.

Intimate Issues, and also Intimacy Ignited, both by Dillow & Pintus (Wife should first read Intimate Issues. Then you could read Intimacy Ignited together.)

Sheet Music, Leman (This is for husband and wife to read.)

For Women Only, by Feldhahn (This is for wife to read.)


eammon said...

I have been viewing this site and this is my first post. In our situation, my wife is uneasy talking about sex. It is not that she doesnt like sex. She is sexual and enjoys it. However after over 30 years of marriage new ideas and expression need to be discussed. Talking about it leads to a negative reaction. I have tried to tell her that is okay to think outside the box. I think she wants to maintain that good girl image that she had when we were first married. It is not that I want her to act like she is a loose woman. She is still my wife and is pure. I just would like her to be more adventurous. I am willing. There is nothing wrong with the sexual desire I have for her. She is a gift from God and so is the expression he has blessed us with. I just wish I convince it is okay to talk about sex without her shutting down discussion. She doesnt want to read any books and she does not believe there can be such a thing as a Christian based sexual issues website like this or the Marriage Bed. There is so much more out there for her to know and understand. It doesnt maker he bad. She only needs to open her mind. Gemma, thanks for opening your story.

Scott said...

Great post Gemma! And your book suggestions are right on too. All great resources.

My wife and I have counseled young couples who have gone into marriage with the "sex is bad" mindset so deeply ingrained in their thinking that they can't shake it after they are married. Bad news! I wish the church would do a better job of discussing premarital sex than just shaming people. We need to explain that it is holy and hot and wonderful but meant only for the intimacy and security of marriage.

Mark 9:24 said...

My wife doesn't act as if sex is dirty. Some of the things she does I know some women would think was dirty. About the only thing we chose not to do between us is AS.

That being said, one thing about here that I don't understand is why sex sometimes embarrases her.
For example, I gave her a couple dildos as few weeks back and she was embarrased.

I don't get it.


Gemma said...

eammon said: "I think she wants to maintain that good girl image that she had when we were first married. It is not that I want her to act like she is a loose woman. She is still my wife and is pure. I just would like her to be more adventurous. I am willing."

Welcome to passionwithinmarriage, eammon. Your first post here is an interesting one. Please know that what I'm about to say is only an attempt to help, not insult you. OK, stay with me. As I read your post this is how I interpreted it:

My wife enjoys sex but she cannot verbally express her enjoyment because she’s afraid/embarrassed that I will see her as a ‘bad girl’. (ie, Only bad girls talk about enjoying sex.) I prefer to see her behave like she did as a pure, single woman, a good girl, not like a loose woman. After all, she’s my wife and a wife shouldn’t behave as a loose woman around her husband. Now here is the problem. I don’t understand why she isn’t more adventurous in our marriage bed and why she can’t enjoy discussing sexual topics with me. I want my pure, good girl wife to become more comfortable with her sexuality so we can freely talk about things but I don’t want her to be so free that she thinks, talks and acts like a loose women with me. And did I mention? …I don’t understand why she clings to this ‘good girl’ image as she was when we first married.

Your wife’s struggling with the ‘good girl image’ but I picked up a mixed train of thought with you. Could it be that you have been unknowingly sending a message to her causing her to think that you only want that ‘good girl’ in her? Regarding your comment of “It is not that I want her to act like she is a loose woman”…. If my husband had that opinion I would think that he only wanted the ‘good girl’, that he didn’t want me to talk about sexual things, that he didn’t want me to be adventurous. I don’t know, I may be way off base with my assessment but thought I’d mention all this to give you something to consider.

Btw- that’s why I don’t mind GR calling me “his whore” when we are alone together. It frees me to be as adventurous as I want to be in our marriage bed and it also allows me to comfortably and enjoyably talk about our sex life with him. You say “I am willing”. Are you willing to put aside your own expectations for your wife to avoid acting like a ‘loose woman’ around you? Are you willing to help your wife put that ‘good girl’ mentality behind her once and for all and help her become the ‘hot wife’ with her words, her mannerisms and in every other way? I’m not saying that if you change, your wife will also change; there are no guarantees. But what you have been seeing up until now could very possibly be what she has thought you’ve wanted in a wife. After all, why rock the boat? It’s safer to remain the ‘good girl’ that she knows you like because if she changes, you might think she is a loose woman.

Gemma said...

Mark said: "one thing about here that I don't understand is why sex sometimes embarrases her.
For example, I gave her a couple dildos as few weeks back and she was embarrased. I don't get it."

Mark, I don't get it either. Have you asked her?

Mark 9:24 said...


I think it's because she rarely, if ever, thinks of sex on her own volition. Plus she doesn't like to talk about it. She'll do it and do anything I want, but talking about it.....


UKFred said...

Hi Gemma, I don't know about sex being dirty but my wife still prefers to be covered in my presence even after 27 years of marriage. She claims she does not see her genitals as dirty, but she certainly dislikes the smell and taste of her own genital secretions to the extent that i am not allowed to kiss her anywhere on the face if I have been giving her OS. She was a virgin when we married (I wish I had been) and she has told me that she had hoped to enjoy sex much more than she does.

Gemma said...


If your wife had hoped to enjoy sex much more, she should be willing to learn more about HOW to enjoy it, right? Has she read Intimate Issues? Have the both of you read Sheet Music aloud, together? If someone doesn't know how to enjoy sex they have to do their homework so they can learn.