Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Acceptable behavior, continued...

I started to post this as a reply to landschooner's comment from my first "acceptable behavior" article only my reply was too lengthy and would not post so I did the next best thing and decided to post it here.

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For years GR did not have a label for my refusing. I think that after a while he just came to the sad conclusion that he had married a woman who had been "broken" for a long time and that I may possibly never change.

landschooner said:
"when we tried to get pregnant, she didn't fail to come-on to me when she was ovulating. But, I don't know, I guess it made sense because we were trying to get pregnant. I didn't think of it as a ploy."

Now that was one thing that GR quickly recognized and he rightly called me on the carpet for it. Until he confronted me about it I did not realize how much disrespect I was showing when I sexually abused his body to get what I wanted (ie, pregnancy) but then all the other times of the month I kept the "sex gate" tightly closed and locked. And yes, I call it "sexual abuse" because when a man use a woman's body it is also called "sexual abuse".

landschooner said:
“She does what she thinks is important. Sex isn't important…… "Well, we've been really busy and you've been working late and I've been tired and the kids have been difficult and....and....and.... Its all true. All real excuses. All legitimate. But you know, we got a lot of things done in the last month despite fatigue. Despite everything. Just not sex…..”

You are right. There will always ALWAYS be “stuff” going on but if we are sexually generous with our spouse and we are faithful to prioritize, passionate sex will happen most of the time. Heck, since January GR and I had 3 surgeries. How easy could that have been for either or both of us to say, “I can’t. I’m still not recovered enough from surgery. Maybe next week or next month or next year....”

landschooner said:
“She's happily married. What does sex have to do with it? her husband's frustrations are heard but not really comprehended. I get a proverbial pat on the head "I'm sorry dear" but the truth is.....I'm starting to think that she doesn't HAVE the capacity, the ability, the life experience to comprehend sexual frustration.”

For decades I was the happily married wife, the princess, or at least I thought I was. Before 2004 I heard GR's frustrations but I just brushed them off, thinking he was just whining or expecting too much from me so I kept telling him, “Learn to live with it,” or “I’m trying,” or “I do not know what is wrong with me and I do not know how to change. Sorry.” Then in 2004 something snapped in him and he was through hearing me say “sorry” because quite frankly, I was a sorry excuse for a wife and he was done living in a mediocre marriage. He was not thinking of walking out but he was through putting up with my crap and wanted better for our marriage.

GR began putting into practice what we did with our kids when they were younger. Why not? I was acting like a spoiled child! If our kids behavior was inappropriate we would find a way to make their life miserable, giving them needed motivation to get their act together because if they didn’t, life as they knew it would continue to become less comfortable. Without motivation, nobody who is sitting there like a “princess” is going to change their behavior and risk losing their precious lifestyle, and the reason being--- because they are not living by the will of God in their marriage. They have no "good will" towards their husband. All they know is how to have their own way. A little bit of discomfort goes a long way and quickly gets our attention.

Between 2004-2006 GR’s aggressive way of dealing with this was indeed Christ-like. Look at what Christ did in the temple and… He even used a “whip of cords”. Hey, there is an idea ;-)! Once GR began toughening up his approach it became more appealing to me to figure out what I needed to do and then to do it. But if he had not stepped up to be the assertive leader we needed in our marriage and had instead continued being Mr. Nice Guy, my 2006 awakening would never have happened because after all--- if he did not seem supremely ticked off, things could not have been that bad, right?

Oh, and we do have the capacity to comprehend sexual frustration. It is called “having compassion with our spouse’s needs”…. “being a sexually generous spouse”…. and borrowing Job’s term- “being a spouse of good will”. Even average to low-SD spouses can be of ‘good will’ if they choose to do so.

6 comments:

Hiswildcherry47 said...

Yes,Gemma,

When I began seeing an angry, fed-up despondency in my man's eyes, I began to tremble as I hate disappointing him in any way. His respect and friendship have always been my anchor.

Until 2 years ago,he had put up with all 'the excuses' as well and had been the most perfect gentleman/gentle man throughout my intense mommying years.

He felt tremendous guilt about being gone so much for work and not being available as our children's Daddy. I hate to admit it but subconsciously, I played him on that. Strangely enough, I felt as if he was abandoning me so I didn't feel I should be close to him, sexually.

We are having the most wonderful time together. Our love making is intensely passionate which continues to pleasantly shock us. I love flirting with him and sass him royally. I have been noticing him whacking my tush more often, and not gently either. I am loving being gentled and helped more with running our family. What a relief and such a boon to our marriage. I am relishing the fact that my once careful husband is beginning to 'take his wife in hand'! Oh yes. Bring it on ;-)

There is hope for all who are struggling with refusers. I was a hard nut to crack. Fear of losing my truest friend , drove me to my knees in total repentance.

verticaldistance said...

"GR began putting into practice what we did with our kids when they were younger. Why not? I was acting like a spoiled child! If our kids behavior was inappropriate we would find a way to make their life miserable, giving them needed motivation to get their act together because if they didn’t, life as they knew it would continue to become less comfortable."

What did your husband do to you? Take away from you? How did he, it seems, punish you for not putting out? It would certainly serve as a warning to women who don't have sex with their husbands.

Gemma said...

He didn't "do anything" to me but he quit allowing me to live like the spoiled princess. My dh has never been physically or even emotionally abusive to me but in 2004 he finally realized that being Mr. Nice Guy wasn't going to fix our marital issues. So he quit treating me as if everything was wonderful in our marriage because... it wasn't. He began to regularly get in my face to remind me that we had a serious problem that was not being addressed. I needed for him to do this so I could begin to understand that I had to change.

Before then, I was under the delusion that I had a great marriage. When GR became more honest with his feelings about our marriage, the truth of things brought me to reality. My marriage was not great. It was in a terribly sad state and I needed to know that before I could begin to work on improving things.

Understand, when a spouse thinks that everything is OK, they have absolutely no reason to change. So they keep on doing what they have always done for the marriage which is..... nothing. If you want to initiate change you have to let your spouse know that things are terribly wrong and that change needs to take place. Does that make sense? If it doesn't, feel free to ask more questions.

landschooner said...

GR and Gemma....You two are my heroes. I love you guys. : )

LS

Gemma said...

Awe, LS... (Gemma's blushing)... I love you too!

job29man said...

Gemma,

Your analogy about Christ purging the temple in His righteous anger is brilliant.

If a husband is to be Christ to his wife and if he permits her to go on being an abusive wife, all the while she is presuming to be a "good wife", well... the indulgent husband is not being Christlike to her, not providing her with the leadership she needs.

He is permitting her to wallow in hypocrisy. He is enabling her sin. Christ was gentle with the seekers, and rough with the hypocrites/religious types, and such are we all on occasion.