Friday, April 30, 2010

Acceptable behavior or not???

Do you know what is REALLY sad to me? On marriage forums I read all the time where countless, refused husbands tell about their wives practicing this behavior. The husbands say that their wives refuse sex all or most of the time except for…………………… when they want to get pregnant. What. is. up. with. that??? How can a wife be cold as ice from day to day but when she wants a baby she is *horny as all get out* during that time of the month??? The *horny behavior* is only kept up until she is pregnant at which time the frigidity starts all over again, often continuing for 2-3 years until she is ready to be hooked up again to the baby-making machine (ie, her husband). Then once more she *loves sex* until she is pregnant again.

I can poke holes in this selfish behavior because, unfortunately, that was me in the first months of our marriage. And to think, we all assumed we were good, Christian wives while we used our husband's body as a baby-making machine. For having done that, I am still so ashamed that I stooped that low. As Christian wives, how can we justify doing that to our husband? How can we think, “Sex is a bother to me so I will refuse it but when I am ready to get pregnant, my husband better darn sure make himself available so I can get what I want.” As husbands how can you allow your wife to continue having children knowing that it is the only reason she *loves sex*, the only reason she is “putting out”? Do husbands think, “Oh wow, she is agreeing to sex. I can’t pass this up!” Is it the desperation to have sex, even if only at that one time of the month and only until pregnancy is achieved?

Can someone explain this practice in *Christian wives*? From where did we ever get the idea that this is an acceptable Christian way to treat our husband? What can we do to stop this selfish behavior in young wives? I feel it needs to stop, do you?


Hiswildcherry47 said...

Hi Gemma,

Christian women may still feel kinky regarding sexual fantasies therefore too sensitive to allow those desires to be seen.

Going underground with my erotic fantasies has been a huge struggle for me as I feel too freaky revealing them, even to my own man.

Submerged sexual desires could be why some Christian wives get tired of non-adventurous sex and either physically refuse their men,let their husbands use them to get off, or zone out.

Those who've zoned out, have more uphill to traverse than others.

How to help young honest when they ask us about our sex, and fantasy, lives. Be frank about our dedication to our own men. We have a lot to say!!

Rob said...

Though I am not a wife, but a husband I have a few thoughts on this thought pattern.

As husbands how can you allow your wife to continue having children knowing that it is the only reason she *loves sex*, the only reason she is “putting out”? Do husbands think, “Oh wow, she is agreeing to sex. I can’t pass this up!” Is it the desperation to have sex, even if only at that one time of the month and only until pregnancy is achieved?

Yes it does become desperation. When sex is so infrequent that any sex, regardless of the reason or the attitude, is a time to be excited. In the back of our minds (blindly) we are thinking that maybe this is a point of change.

As far changing wives attitudes in marriage. I believe it must be done with getting information out as to the damage wives do to their marriage and their husbands by refusal. My wife said she was clueless out how refusal made me feel, until I told her after 30 years of marriage. Also I believe that churches, religions or what ever institutions, need to do a better job of teaching the importance of, and the Biblical instruction of sex. Not just what the Bible says but what it really means.

Anonymous said...

This is very familiar to me. I desired sex when I was fertile...not because I wanted to get pregnant, but because God designed my body to get pregnant and that means hormones that increase your desire to have sex!

Think about those poor teenage girls who desire to live pure lives but make 1 mistake and end up pregnant. That girl probably said no to her boyfriend multiple times but during her fertile time everything is just super exciting and it is hard to say no then. When you are fertile your body does everything it can to get you Natural Family Planning and you will see how much God wants us to have children!

Perhaps I am unusual when it comes to the levels of hormones but I REALLY want sex when I am fertile and I have lots of sex dreams during that week, too.

I used to have sex with my dh when I wanted to...which wasn't very often because it was not a really enjoyable experience most of the time. I did not know I was supposed to meet his needs regardless of my level of desire. Now I know better.

For me, we had more sex when I was pregnant because I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant and the increased blood flow to the groin area made for better sensations.

I agree that women are heels if they are consciously only having sex to get pregnant, but there IS a physical reason for having the desire to have sex when you are fertile. Hope that helps.

Laura said...

ITA with you. My husband and I use FAM and we just recently stopped avoiding pregnancy.

Your post echoes what has been on my heart and mind for some time. I know of so many women who only want to have sex when she is fertile, because they are trying to conceive.

While I do agree that maybe a woman's sexual drive may skyrocket during that fertile window, we need to understand that sex is not just for creating babies, and that it is an essential part to a healthy marriage.

If a woman is only having sex with her husband when she is fertile to achieve pregnacy, I think she has a skewed view of what sexual intimacy in marriage is supposed to look like.

landschooner said...

I didn't SEE sexual refusal for what it was (never had even heard the term) until after 17 years of marriage I expressed my frustration on a marriage website. the response from one of the regulars was that I was "Living with a Refuser"

I'd been expressing my frustration to my wife ever since we got back from the Honeymoon, but it wasn't until I had a label for it that I really stopped, turned around, and LOOKED at it.

Until then, I had just figured it was me, or circumstances, or she really WAS always tired - even though she could stay up till 3am nightly watching TV but too tired for sex, or I wasn't romantic enough or I was a bad lover or she was too stressed or, or, or, or.

yes, when we tried to get pregnant, she didn't fail to come-on to me when she was ovulating. But, I don't know, I guess it made sense because we were trying to get pregnant. I didn't think of it as a ploy.

She does what she thinks is important. Sex isn't important. Not often anyway. believe me, she NEVER EVER forgets when its date night. EVER. But whether or not we've had sex in the last two three weeks? Did we? Didn't we?
"Well, we've been really busy and you've been working late and I've been tired and the kids have been difficult and....and....and."
Its all true. All real excuses. All legitimate. But you know, we got a lot of things done in the last month despite fatigue. Despite everything. Just not sex.

Its all about motivation really.

She's happily married. What does sex have to do with it? her husband's frustrations are heard but not really comprehended. I get a proverbial pat on the head "I'm sorry dear" but the truth is.....I'm starting to think that she doesn't HAVE the capacity, the ability, the life experience to comprehend sexual frustration.

To her, perhaps I'm like a captured dolphin trying to explain to her the joys of echo-locating a squid. Pat Pat. "I'm sorry dear. I'm sure that's difficult.......I suppose"

job29man said...


Have you spoken with Mark9:24, or are you very familiar with his story? His wife never initiates and used to refuse, but now no longer refuses. You see what they worked out is that he recongnized that she does not have the capacity to initiate, at all, period.

But she is responsive after the sex gets going. So they've agreed that he will always be the initiator and she will always go along.

Did you see Gemma's reference in the April 30 article, to Jesus who purged the temple with his anger? This is God's example to us of how to deal with hypocrisy sometimes, and a wife who thinks "I'm a good wife." but then refuses her husband, is a hypocrite. She needs her husband to be the angry Christ to her sometimes, else she doesn't get the full measure of his leadership. And doesn't she deserve that?