Wednesday, October 14, 2009

"Sex" and "stress"-- Do these words confuse you or your spouse in your marriage bed?

When we go through difficult, stressful times, it is not uncommon for the stress to interfere with the level of joy we normally receive from sex. GR and I have been undergoing an extreme amount of stress in these last couple of months. During this time and on more than one occasion, I have gone to bed at night or woken up in the morning with our daughter on my mind. Talk about a mood breaker ;-).... but in spite of the worries over her health and well-being GR and I have somehow managed to remain sexually active.

Many mornings and nights it has taken a deliberate effort for us to push the stressful thoughts aside enough so we could have sex even if it meant that we initially would only go through the motions to get things started. Once we would begin, we would find ourselves getting into the moment well enough to receive sexual pleasure and satisfaction. He and I both have desperately needed to remain sexually connected so we have gladly done this for our own good.

How does stress affect your sex life? How does it affect your spouse in the marriage bed? Is it ever easy for you or your spouse to push stress aside in order to enjoy sex and/or to relieve the stress? Is it fair to our spouse and to our marriage bed to regularly use stress as an excuse to neglect our sex life? When your spouse says, “I am too stressed for sex at this time,” do you use that opportunity to help them understand that stress is not a good excuse for neglecting the marriage or do you tell them “OK” and then back down?

Do you think it is sometimes true that the very things which can help us are the things which we most avoid simply because it seems to be the easy way out? In relation to stress, why do you think God gave us the marriage bed? Do you think he intended for us to avoid it whenever we are stressed? When we regularly allow stress to overcome us and to inhibit our marriage bed, are we giving more power/credit to the stress than what we give to God in trusting that He will carry us through the trials?

15 comments:

verticaldistance said...

There are time when husbands must have compassion for their wives and give them sexual breathing room. For example, a death that JUST happened. A death of a parent, child, a close friend. It is unrealistic for husbands to expect their wives to put out at the same levels under these extreme circumstances. Some husband, under these same circumstances, won't be able to perform. After my husband's father died, he was not in the right sexual place. He was helping his mom plan the funeral for Pete's sake. HE needed time to mend. I gave it to him because I expect the same out of him.

A wife can't play the extreme stress card forever. At some point, the husband is going to get antsy. The wife has to move on, suck it up, and continue having sex. Males just have a better time, due to T levels (16 times more, at least, higher than women), at getting past times like this.

Everyday stress is something else. Life is full of BS and the stress that goes along with it. This doesn't give husbands the right to not behave in a loving manner towards their wives. Stress at the job? Big friggin' deal. That is not the wife's fault. Leave it at the office, you twit. Same thing goes for wives. Unless the wife has been living under the world's biggest rock, a bad day doesn't give her the right to not put out. Her bad day at the job, with the kids, with her blood family, is not her husband's fault.

Pixiemrrr said...

my wife had a reacurring shoulder injury. it had been quiet for almost a year. the morning after an evening of wonderful love making the cortisone shot wore off leaving her in agony. that morning with her waking up screaming, did my sex drive in. even with the drs saying it wasnt my fault and that it was a possiblity. even though it was 4 years ago, i am still having trouble initiating any kind of love making in the bedroom. i know im letting the stress overcome my life, but am trying to slowly come out of the pit. thank you for your blog, it has helped me bring things up to my dr and we have been able to work on things, because you have helped open a dialog.

herlover said...

In the last few months I have read several good articles in national magazines about how important it is to avoid stress as much as posssible for our general health. These articles gave many helpful hints on avoiding stress. But not once was sex mentioned...the very best stress reliever, in my opinion. Its funny...in this age of sex everywhere...movies, TV, commercials, etc. these authors were afraid to mention what they knew (some were doctors) was perhaps the best stress reliever of all.

I may not have answered your questions Gemma, but hopefully emphasize your points.

Praying for your DD and your family.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

Gemma is getting her groove on again ;-) Yeeeeaaahhh.

How does stress affect your sex life?
I tend to get wild eyed and bushy tailed when I am under strain which he finds uber sexy !! I feel desired and more like a woman when he comes onto me. I passionately enjoy sex as a stress relief.

How does it affect your spouse in the marriage bed?
Stress makes him lose all desire for sex. He does not see sex as a diversion from his problems at work. His masculinity suffers a blow every time he feels he has done badly at his job.

Is it ever easy for you or your spouse to push stress aside in order to enjoy sex and/or to relieve the stress?
No for my spouse. We have to make time to reorg his thinking processes as he is really into his job most of the time.
Yes, I change my thinking and switch gears to get my sexy on towards him. Works most times. When he makes love to me, my stress goes out the window. All is right with my world again.

Is it fair to our spouse and to our marriage bed to regularly use stress as an excuse to neglect our sex life?
I would not call his actions unfair; he merely does not wear more than one hat very well. He is working or he is eating or he is showering or he is having sex with me...not very much interplay.
When hurt, I can resemble a shrew so have to stay aware of my tendencies and soften my heart all the time.

When your spouse says, “I am too stressed for sex at this time,” do you use that opportunity to help them understand that stress is not a good excuse for neglecting the marriage or do you tell them “OK” and then back down?
We are polar opposites. I acquiesce to his wishes as I have always been the submissive spouse in our marriage. I back down and work my persuasive powers to woo his desire for me. I flirt, I pine, I tell him I am hurting...whatever it takes, I do it to get him to make love to me again. Call it manipulation, I don't care. I have to have his attention.

Do you think it is sometimes true that the very things which can help us are the things which we most avoid simply because it seems to be the easy way out?
Yes, I think we avoid talking sometimes especially when we need to make kids a priority. We don't try to take the easy way out, we just have to take care of our kids and then we can be free to love on each other. We have always put our kids' needs before our own so are used to taking a back seat to their lives.

In relation to stress, why do you think God gave us the marriage bed?
I chase him down for sex but that keeps him coming home for hiswildcherry treats. I anchor him by giving him myself in every manner.
He grounds me through physically satiating me. He loves satisfying my need and takes great joy in watching me go crazy when he arouses me.
God gave us to each other to love and honor and respect and cherish. We feed each other so perfectly.

Do you think he intended for us to avoid it whenever we are stressed?
No, I think God would wish that we keep connected at all times, even when distance separates us. Our sex is so intimate and powerful that it keeps us thinking of each other when we are apart which is often as my man travels frequently.

When we regularly allow stress to overcome us and to inhibit our marriage bed, are we putting our trust in God or are we putting our trust in ourselves?
Certainly in ourselves. The more we learn to trust that we really do have a great and mighty God, the more we can play like his little kids !

When we allow stress to overcome us, are we giving more power/credit to the stress than what we give to God?
Yes, by allowing stress to override our better 'faith' sense, we do add power to that negative influence in our lives at particular times.

Please give reasons for your “yes” or “no” answers.
Posted

job29man said...

There is a key difference between Sarah and I.

Sarah- Finds it hard to focus on sex when there is any stress in her life.

Job- Seeks sex for relief from stress.

So stress drive me towards sex, and the same stress drives her away from sex.

Sarah's mind is like a diesel motor. When you drive a turbo diesel car for 100 miles and then your trip is over, you can't just park the car and shut off the engine. You have to put it in the park stall and let the motor "wind down" for a minute or so. Then you can shut it off. Same with Sarah. If she has had a stressful day (which is 99% of the time) she can't just go to bed at 11 pm and be ready for sex.

In the past that has meant she was unable to enjoy the sex we had because her mind was elsewhere.

So I have taken action. Now I insist that she must stop all work in the house by 7:30 pm, and I start to "talk her down" around 8 pm, and get her to thinking relaxed thoughts by 8:30 pm, and we try to go to bed then by 9pm so that I still have some energy to minister to her with a backrub or footrub.

Then her turbodiesel mind can slow down enough to focus on good sex.

Do we allow "stress" to stop sex? NO! We press forward and try to get into it as we go. With this "slowdown" plan I've started it is getting better for her.

scotty said...

It depends on the stress. If it's just busyness and much going on, I can still can into things.

If it's the weight of responsibility I still can usually switch that off, but I've recognized this past year, this is something dh has a hard time getting past.

If it's a hurt over a broken friendship or harsh words I can't get it into it. Case in point. Yesterday was a rough day for me due to something that was said to me. The tape was playing over and over. DH gently talked me down and held me. The last thing I wanted was sex. He didn't ask.

So the short answer is, it depends :)

RedEarth said...

I had a death in my side of the family recently. It was sad but not unexpected. It'd also been a week. Were this DW's relative, there is no way I'd attempted to initiate, but the hurt was primarily mine, and I needed comfort, not just the stress reaction. I was told it was 'Inappropriate'. She thinks it insane that I associate sex with comfort, like I'm the only pervert on the planet who ever could come up with such a foolish idea. (Isaac & Rebekah, David & Bathsheba, Adam & Eve, Elkaanah & Hannah.. am I missing anyone?) How about some compassion for me once in a while?

Gemma said...

I am reminded of a scene in the film "Anne of Green Gables". Anne Shirley is beside herself over something that happened to her. As she and Marilla Cuthbert are heading upstairs in their home Anne is in tears and tells Marilla, "Can't you even IMAGINE you're in the depths of despair?" Marilla in her 'no-nonsense' way replies, "No I cannot. To despair is to turn your back on God."

Verticaldistance, husbands and wives should ALWAYS have compassion on each other. I’m not suggesting that one spouse should force sex on the other no matter what’s going on, however, I am suggesting that we all need to take care that we don’t use any and all trials in our lives as an excuse to sexually neglect our spouse and our marriage bed. You gave the example of ‘a death’. Some cannot fathom the idea of having sex immediately following the loss of a loved one. Others use sex as a method to help them get through such a loss WHILE THEY ARE MENDING. We just need to be sensitive and compassionate going both ways—for those who can’t handle sex and also for those who need sex.

Pixiemrrr, I’m sorry for what happened to you that morning 4 years ago but you know what? Four years is a long enough time to resolve what happened and move on. Correct me If I’m wrong but I sense that in all this time, in the last four years, your wife has been playing the “victim card”, keeping you bound in guilt and shame as if you caused her agony. The doctor is right, you didn’t cause your wife’s physical pain. Does she not like sex? I could see a frigid wife doing this as a long-term means of avoiding sex. And look—it’s working for her! Do bring this up with your doctor and determine to resolve things. I don’t care how much physical pain or agony a person experiences. To lay blame for that on their spouse and then continue blaming for four years is inexcusable and illustrates a serious need for her to let go of bitterness and unforgiveness. And I dare say that if she is still blaming you for this, her feelings go far beyond blaming you for her physical “agony”. A deep emotional wound is likely causing her to hold this against you. It’s time to deal with it.

herlover, stress is a serious health hazard. Many people underestimate the negative power that stress can have on a person’s health. And I agree with you—Sex can be the very best natural stress reliever. I’m guessing that many doctors hesitate to proclaim that because then all of their low/no-SD patients would complain. As evident on TMB forum, avoiding sex is more common in marriages than it is not. These doctors who want to promote healthy, active sex lives are up against a whole army of spouses who vehemently disagree with them. Yes, you did emphasize my points, thank you. And thank you for your prayers, I covet them.

Hiswildcherry said: “I would not call his actions unfair; he merely does not wear more than one hat very well.”

HWC, most men do not wear more than one hat at a time. What may help your dh is if he could learn when and how to make the “hat switch”. If you don’t switch hats then you find yourself frequently doing one thing while wearing the hat of the previous activity. When that happens the mismatched hat/activity work against each other.

Gemma said...

Job said: “Now I insist that she must stop all work in the house by 7:30 pm, and I start to "talk her down" around 8 pm, and get her to thinking relaxed thoughts by 8:30 pm, and we try to go to bed then by 9pm so that I still have some energy to minister to her with a backrub or footrub. Then her turbodiesel mind can slow down enough to focus on good sex.”

Good plan, Job!

Scotty said: “If it's a hurt over a broken friendship or harsh words I can't get it into it. Case in point. Yesterday was a rough day for me due to something that was said to me. The tape was playing over and over. DH gently talked me down and held me. The last thing I wanted was sex. He didn't ask.”

Scotty, I don’t know if you live by this rule but dh and I do not go to sleep angry. Even if we go to bed having to resolve some emotional issue, at the very least we talk it out so that we are at peace with each other and then we drift off to sleep. In those cases we usually wake up in the morning having sex. Otherwise, if we are able we go ahead and have sex that night after resolving things. It’s never physically or emotionally good to go to sleep angry or upset.

RedEarth, your wife needs to be educated. You should sit down with her and read those bible stories aloud to her, read this article to her and then follow-up with a good discussion. It would be nice if everyone thought the same as we do or…… maybe it wouldn’t be. It sounds like your wife has never imagined that anyone would have a different POV about this. It’s time she learned.

job29man said...

When my Sarah overstresses and cannot even focus on enjoying life, much less sex, to me that is when a husband can go into "dominance" mode.

I just walk up to Sarah, and whisper in her ear"Babe. You look like you need to get laid." And if she says "no time today" sometimes I'll just say "Oh, you don't understand. I'm not asking you. I'm telling you. Now go to the bed and wait for me there."

If she still doesn't move I'll pick her up over my shoulder, in a fireman's carry, and start carrying her to the bedroom. If she fusses I just swat her on the butt as I carry her, really firmly if need be.

Then I'll toss her down on the bed, lock the door with a loud "click", and strip off her clothes. Then she gets a really looooooonnnnngggg total body massage with oil. Like 30 minutes on the backside, 20 minutes on her front side. I focus especially on scalp, butt, legs and feet. These seem to be the areas that put her into a relaxed hypnotic state. Then I'll pretty much stay away from vulva and nipples, but concentrating on face, neck, scalp, thighs and feet again.

By this time she's putty in my hands so I spread her legs, play around there with my hand a bit. Now she's aroused and I'll suggest that she might want OS. Usually she's eager by now, but I make her beg for it "Please lord" or "Please Master, lick me."

This is good because just an hour before it was the furthest thing from her mind. I figure if I took her from being a fussy, stressed out woman with a frown on her face, and turned her into a puddle of jello that's begging to get f**ked... well shoot, I'm a hero.

I think a similar approach could be used by wives on their stressed out husbands.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

O.k. job29man, now you have me in tears...Every strong woman needs a strong man to control her now and again. I have had my man aggressively overpower me rarely and I quite honestly long for his he-man act more. Saying that makes me realize that I need to work harder at allowing him to do so. I'm so in control of my family and home, I scare myself!

And yes, NOW I get the occassional swat. Reading your post had me all knotted up as I am the wife who could use this approach on my over stressed husband..

How the h..l I am supposed to do the fireman's lift on my huge man is beyond me ;-) but the massaging, licking and driving him to wanting me I can do something about (I hope?)

I will have to put my desires for him to master me aside for now and reach out to him. I know there are men who would die for their wives to crave their sex but we have to work within our own situations.

HWC humbled and commissioned!

job29man said...

HWC said...

"
How the h..l I am supposed to do the fireman's lift on my huge man is beyond me ;-)"

Oops... oversight by me. Forget carrying him, just shove him in the right direction, or find something to pull and pull him there.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

Job,
You've moved me from tears to helpless laughter with that picture. Too funny.

Poor HWC put on a brave front last night by sincerely being unselfish and telling Mr.HWC : "If you really can't do anything tonight sweetheart, I'll massage your back and you go to sleep ok!"
I truly was not manipulating him. My man got that leontine attitude and OMG, did I go for a ride. WHAHOO.

Why is the sun shining so brightly today and why am I feeling like I could conquer the world and why does my husband look so amazingly handsome?...sigh, my man loved on me. Oh yeah!

job29man said...

There's a fine line between being sensitive enough to know when to back off, and when to press an issue.

Sometimes I look into her eyes and know that it's a good time for me to bite my tongue and to bury my desire for the time being.

Other times I see that it's the time to dig a little and ask her to open up about what's bugging her.

Still other times I'm not interested in asking what she's thinking because I think I know that she's not really "thinking" so much as "emoting". When that happens I might just minister to her in the way I think she needs... backrub, nice meal maybe, bring out a board game and play it with her with soft music in background. Turn on the stereo and dance with her in the livingroom...

I might "make her" sit quietly in her chair and read her favorite novel. I might "make her" bring me a hairbrush and let me just brush her hair for 20 minutes.

I might "make her" sit quietly while I feed her excellent food with my fork or fingers (not letting her feed herself). I might take swigs of her drink and squirt these into her mouth-to-mouth.

I might just lay her down and scratch her back for awhile.

Or pour her a hot bubble bath, climb in with her, wash her hair, shave her legs, and other parts, do whatever is needed to make her O...

Usually she accepts my ministrations, sometimes there's resistance. I might back down, or might press the issue.

Sometimes I press the issue to the point of not listening to her protestations. Sometimes a woman just needs to be "taken in hand" that way...Not always, not as a lifestyle, not necessarily as a kink, just maybe ...y'know... "sometimes".

By the same token I like to be ministered to in similar fashion sometimes.

It reminds me of the old song from Jesus Christ Superstar in which Mary Magdalene sings ...

"Try not to get worried,
try not to turn on to problems that upset you ohhhhhhhh

Don't you know everything's alright yes
everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment's sweet, for the fire in your head and feet.

If we try, we'll get by so relax think of nothing tonight."

Usually such ministrations are gentle. Rarely but significantly they can be forceful, even rough.

A "taking"
A spanking
A forceful statement of "woman you will do as I say, NOW!"

Fact is I think both husband and wife have similar powers and authority to take such charge in cases where their mate is so distracted that he/she is beside him/herself. Then it's time for the one who is strong at that moment to say...

"I am taking over now, and you will do as I say. I don't want arguments. So...

... eat this chocolate,
... drink this wine,
... bend over while I take you,
... kneel down,
... lay down,
... kneel with me in prayer,
... close your eyes and open your mouth,
... lick me/ suck me / fuck me,
... lay back and let me lick you/suck you/fuck you,
... lay there and fall asleep while I massage your scalp,
... bend over for a spanking (OK this would be DH to DW only IMHO)
... lay there and listen to me read Scripture to you,
... lay down and fall asleep while I sing to you,
... sit in my lap and let me rock you in this chair,
... come watch this DVD with me,
... tell me exactly what you are thinking, I won't accept "I dunno",
... get in the car, take off your underwear, and come to the restaurant with me for dinner...

Well you get the idea. My DW Sarah has a gentle way of doing these things. I am also very, very gentle, but sometimes if she needs forceful or rough in a masculine way, then that is what I'll be for her.

Shula said...

THAT is one fabulous comment.