Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Please share your thoughts with me!

Some of you may have noticed that I have not been writing as much as usual lately. Please accept my apologies for that. Part of the reason-- I have been taking some time to try and get my thoughts organized so I can begin writing a book. It will most likely be a memoir. As I have been contemplating what I want to include in this book I have also wondered what would benefit my readers the most.

A big part of my life prior to marriage was my promiscuous lifestyle. And then most of my marriage to date has been about me being a refusing wife, my sexual awakening and what has taken place since my awakening.

If you were going to read a book that I write, what things would you most like to see in it? What have you not seen in any other books that you would like to see in mine? I do not want to waste time writing material that is already "out there", you know? Are there any specific things about my past that you would find beneficial for you and for your own marriage? Are there any probing questions which you would like to see me expand on in a book?

Please do not be shy, I really want to hear your feedback on this. Share your thoughts with me so I can better share mine with you as I begin writing this book. Thank you.


Command0-182 said...

The most interesting thing for me would be, what your thought process was. What was your world-view and what external forces had shaped it?

What caused you to be promiscuous before marriage, a "refusing wife" during and an awakened one later on?

Thought process and influences. Sounds to me like you've always had a healthy drive, so what caused you to become a "refusing wife" would interest me the most.

LIT56RD said...

I would echo what Cammand0-182 said. What your thoughts were at the various times in your life. Why you acted the way you did. Why you think you went from promiscuous to refusal. Any specific events in your life that are at the root of why you acted as you did and do.

In addition you could relate what "religious" beliefs you held at the various stages in your life. And beyond religious beliefs to your relationship with God during all the changes.

I wish you good luck and God's guidance in this project. I am looking forward to this book. You have given me and countless others support, direction, and an occasional kick in the butt when it was need the most. I think it is great idea. Just a few suggestions.

As a side note. Writing a book is very demanding and draining. My DW has coauthored a couple of books. Get yourself someone who you trust to give you honest feedback. Let them read what you have written from time to time and take there suggestion to heart. A new set of eyes can give a whole new perspective to a project like this. Just some thoughts.

so blessed said...

Had to ponder this one awhile when I saw your post. I think the key to your book will lie in this phrase from your sidebar: " . . . read on. Be forewarned- You may see some startling similarities to things in your own marriage."

You have the willingness to be transparent; do so deliberately and diligently, and in the process draw your readers in so deeply that they see themselves clearly with no way of escape.

Address the "why" questions; why you were so promiscuous; why you started refusing, why you kept it up for so long, why you could justify it to yourself, why you started the awakening process, why you continued it, etc.

As you lay open your heart, your motives, etc., readers will be swept along with you on your journey, and eventually see themselves in your painting. Hopefully they will follow you to the end of the journey and sexual freedom in the Christian marriage bed.
Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see exactly what was your process of moving from refusing to the 'sexual awakening' and sort of written in a simplified process so that others like myself could find a way to get back our sexdrive and not just the passion but the desire to be everything a man would want.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

The most helpful sexually oriented books, websites, blogs, etc, have been those which present their viewpoint from a layman's perspective. I prefer straight talk as against a clinical approach to sexuality. I learn from both but prefer to read as I would speak.

I don't know about really graphic materials as I steer clear of that much input since I don't know where that line of thinking will take me, yet.

I love the 'sit and have a cuppa' approach to your blog so could envision you writing in like fashion.

I truly believe you have much to say and love reading what you post. I am extremely well read so please receive this as a genuine compliment.

Ancient Mariner said...

As a guy, the connection between an early promiscuous lifestyle and refusing in marriage surprises me (I would have thought the opposite: you were experienced in sex and not shy, so you could keep your husband totally satisfied in bed). I suspect your husband, if he knew your history, was also surprised. So an explanation of your thinking and psychology would be of interest to me.

scotty said...

I would like to hear your thought processes how you were able to justify in your own mind the many years of refusal. How you thought you were behaving as a godly wife yet were obviously not meeting your husband's needs.
I'd like to hear you directly address young women who think married life will be easy and sex will just come naturally.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

Hey Gemma,
Been thinking over the weekend.
I wonder if you would consider doing a series of mini booklets?
Here's my reasoning :

-A booklet series could address a particular topic at a time and build onto the next.
-You could take your time between writing each one and formulate thoughts in a more relaxed way.
-You could follow a format similar to chapters but make money on each booklet (for want of a better description) versus a one time, entire book.
-You could keep your readers' whistles wet with the anticipation of the next in the series but not burn yourself out with a huge book project.
-You may be able to include tons more info in a mini series instead of creating a ginormous book.
-I bet you could hammer out a few mini booklets, as you read this, with no problem at all. Totally different approach and possibly a good warm up for a book later on?

Two tinsy pennies worth but like I said, I read a bunch and thought I would throw that bone for you to chew upon.

Mark 9:24 said...


My thoughts about your memoir.

I think it should be in three parts.
1)Your Promiscuous Years.
2)Your Refusing Years
3)Your Awakening Years.

I think the three sections should be in as much detail as you can put into them, without crossing the line into erotica. My reason for this is that the three parts would in high contrast to each other.

For your promiscuous years, I think you should show how you ended up that way. The things you did and why. Be open, be transparent.

For your refusing years, show how you ended up that way. The pain and damage it caused you and GR.
(and I ask, please remember that not all Protestant churches are as messed up as the ones you went to)
Again, be open, be transparent..

For your awakening years, how you got there. What changed you? Your moving from refusing to a wife who fucks her husband at every chance she can. Or anything else he wants to do. ;-)
Contrasts you know?
The rewards of being the wife you are now and how it is so much better than the previous two stages of your life.

Yours can be a book that can inspire people to get out of their refusing ways.
I have heard it to many times on news reports about how American marriages are becoming more and more sexless. And having lived a sexless marriage myself I want to give you a big BRAVO for starting your book!


Hiswildcherry46 said...

Gemma, with regards to your book vision, I just have to share my latest, MOST AMAZING revelation concerning a refusing/reluctant/asexual wife...

I am studying a certain philosophy of thought and figured out an awesome concept. In all of my years of serving my man's sexual needs, I have come to realize that it was all done from a purely sacrificial heart versus a giving heart.

In embracing the 'die to myself so that Christ may live in me' lifestyle, I died to myself sexually, as well. I served with a heart overflowing with love for my husband and children. However, I gave out of religious fervor. Two entirely different choices.

Sexually, I recall countless times when I would know that I needed more stimulation and more foreplay but I would place that upon the 'die to yourself' altar and roll over...leaving my husband endlessly frustrated at my inability to receive from him.

I felt the 'awl in my ear' befitting ownership of a person, at all times. My husband never placed this burden upon me. I willingly carried it and almost lost my soul in the process.

Sacrifice OF the heart is not the same as giving FROM the heart.

Translate all of this info. into my promiscuous, single, sexual past followed by a confusingly irrational, frigid wifehood and...Eureka.

I believe I have found a major key to this f*#@ed up sexuality issue that I have dealt with. This is all so freaking exciting to unravel. HWC grin.

Gemma said...

Thanks so much, guys. I have read and reread all your comments here regarding my book. Please, feel free to come back here at any time to add additional comments or questions. Asap, I will come back and post comments to your replies. Your thoughts really do mean a lot to me so, thanks again.

bunnyhunch said...

The only thing I can add is that although your life prior to GR was a promiscuous one and readers will benefit from understanding what happened, they don't necessarily need specific details of the TMI sort. But you're a smart woman. I can't see you putting particulars in that aren't pertinent to your message.

Others here have posted some excellent input, as they always do, and I concur with them. I can't wait to read your book someday. You go, girl.

CLA said...

I think amongst the other issues mentioned would be whether your sexual activity prior to marriage had an effect on you later spiritually, sexually, guilt, regrets, or whatever and if so how you dealt with and resolved that. If you'd care to share that now I would be interested. But I can understand if you'd like to save it for the book.

RedEarth said...

Good stuff so far. A few things I'd like to see - while addressing the selfish aspect of refusing is necessary and perhaps unavoidable - it needs to be done gently enough for a refuser to finish reading the book. Empathy and hope rather than catharsis.

Perhaps some words from GR, both on his perspective of the refusing years and awakening, and his attitude/prayer hoping for change would be appropriate.

I just read some of your old stuff, and the thing about Emotional Disconnect and Sex was powerful. We've never had makeup sex - it's usually 2-4 days after a fight before we can ML again. I wish someone could show her - when sex is good and frequent, the fighting is just heat and noise. Fighting when there hasn't been the sexual intimacy feels like the marriage is disintegrating.