Saturday, September 26, 2009

Define "normal frequency"!

What makes a person wake up in the middle of the night starving for sex? At least not on a regular basis most of us do not do this but what triggers that behavior? The times that GR and I woke each other for sex it was not because we were sex-starved. Take yesterday for example--- We had sex yesterday morning and again around 9pm last night before going to sleep. This morning by 3am I was awake and horny so I woke GR and we enjoyed another romp. He does the same if he wakes during the night and will reach over to me to get things going.

So what is the deal? How can a person have sex twice in a day and then wake from sleep six hours later needing more sex? Is this simply normal behavior as a result of being high-SD? For those whose spouse does not appreciate being woken--- If you could do it, would you? I would like to think that this is normal sexual desire and behavior, that sex should be as natural and as frequent as eating and sleeping. On second thought, I take that back. Every four hours I usually eat something so maybe sex should be as natural as sleeping ;-)?

My husband and I have been doing this dance for almost three years now and it is still somewhat of a mystery to me. He and I came downstairs at 6am for coffee and since I woke him from sleep I asked, "Are you still tired?" "A little," he says. "You know," I tell him with a mischievous tone in my voice, "We could skip some of our morning and nightly romps and then we would get more sleep?" His reply, "So! Is that what you would want to do?" "No," I tell him. No more words were needed. Our exchanged looks said it all. He and I will continue cutting into our sleep for what we consider to be normal frequency until one or both of us decide that it is NOT normal. For now, neither of us foresee that happening anytime soon.


Bev said...

Gemma I found a website I thought I would share. It does have some sckantaly clad women in the pictures.

Ancient Mariner said...

I don’t think you are using the correct term, since there is a wide range in frequency here, as in everything else. If we plotted a graph of frequency and number in a population, we would probably end up with a curve which follows a gaussian (statistically bell-shaped) distribution. If you went one standard deviation on either side of the mean, you would include within the ranges of sexual frequency almost 70% of the population. I suppose you could label that as the “normal” range. Even then, I would not call those who fell outside (either very low S.D. or very high S.D.) “abnormal,” because there are implicit value judgments associated with that word in this context.

Speaking for myself, I function very poorly when sleep-deprived, so as much as I enjoy sex, if I were to reach a point where I was having so much late-night/mid-might/early-morning sex that my work performance was suffering, or where I was going through my day like a zombie, I would consider that inappropriate or injudicious. So, I can’t give a number, but right up to that point would be “normal” for me and dw.

And yes, sex should be as natural (and therefore as normal) as sleeping and eating!

Anonymous said...

Just let sex happen. The time is not the issue. If erect use the erection.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

If my man does not get enough rest, he does not feel sexual. Best for us to flirt and sass each other then make love when he feels he can.

I pleasure myself when I am needing more. I let him sleep and I go for it. I've taken responsibility for my own sexual satisfaction when he is not up to it. I promised to tell him every time as I've made myself accountable to him, sexually.

The amount of times is not the issue for us but the intensity and passion involved when we do connect. Our sex has been off the charts this past year.

We are communicating more than ever about our love and passion for each other. When we physically make love, we are putting into movement our adoration for each other in the most complete way. We are growing every day in our marriage.

Gemma said...

Anon said: "Just let sex happen."

I like that!

Gemma said...

Ancient Mariner said: "...I function very poorly when sleep-deprived..."

So do we, AM. My dh and I often find ourselves going to bed very early in the evenings just so we can have adequate time for both sleep and sex.

job29man said...

In my younger days I'd give up sleep for sex. I remember an almost "all nighter" in front of the fireplace once that resulted in the conception of one of our daughters.

Got up for work next day and had a tough time of it, but with a silly grin all day.

Now that I'm "older" (50s)if I can't get to sleep before midnight and stay asleep it's bad for me the next day at work. DW still tries to push the limits of sleep deprivation though so that has caused some friction between us. So we are working together to get more sex in, earlier in the day (mornings and early evening).

Anonymous said...

I can't even imagine what it would be like to be woken up for sex. DW "loves sleep" to a degree that I just don't think is healthy. 9, 10, maybe 13 hrs on a saturday. After 7 I'm laying in bed staring at the ceiling or in back pain. I try not to envy you guys, but on this one I do. I really do.

Gemma said...

Yeah boy, Job. I'm with you on the age thing. Dh and I are both in our 50's. Well, he's close to 60 so we do need our sleep. Our college kids often make fun of us when we go to bed early... you know how they are all night owls. But we have to get our beauty rest as well as time for sex.

Anon, GR and I are both kind of the same way with having to get out of bed after a certain amount of time. Sometimes I tell him, "Want to have sex?.. 'cause I'm going to have to get up soon." That way he knows, "If I want it, now is the time!" lol

Odo said...

I'm with Anon. I try not to envy you guys, either. But, I've always commented and continue to...if you guys can find the formula and bottle it...I'll take a truck load. Must be somethin' in the water in yer neck of the woods...gotta be. You also must have super fast "recharge" times! Wow, Gem & GR!

Hiswildcherry46 said...

Same thing my husband has been grumbling about....recharge time. Any of you guys have any tips on recharging a guy's 'batteries' quicker other than using artificial methods. Sure you all know what I mean.
He is a body builder so doesn't even take a headache aid if he can help it!

scotty said...

You ARE abnormal!! LOL j/k!!

I need my sleep too. I can probably count on one hand being awakened for sex and enjoying it!

I do love those times when it feels like you don't want to let each other go and could go for an all nighter. Usually practicality gets in the way and you just have to let go and sleep. I can't imagine having your frequency, but right now we're both satisfied and happy with our frequency which is about 4-5 times/week... I think! It seems to vary a lot though.

Gemma said...

Oh, I don't want to mislead anyone. Yes, GR has a short recharge time but we do have our down moments although they're always at an involuntary level like night before last. He got tied up with a job problem which had to be solved before the next morning. He and another guy worked until 2am before they were able to fix what was wrong so dh didn't get to bed until 3am, slept for 4 skimpy hours and didn't wake until 30 min before heading back out the door so.... no sex. Then last night he had to catch up on loss sleep from the night before so he went to bed early while I stayed up to wait for 19yo to get back from choir practice. He was still so wiped out that he slept until 6:30am and had to leave at 7 so again... no sex. Life happens to all of us, I'm no exception, but the important thing is to keep interruptions as the exception rather than as the rule. When these things happen to GR and me I know without a shadow of doubt that unless his job interferes tonight, WE WILL HAVE SEX. So there is no fear of, "Oh when oh when will we hook up again?" That was our past life. This is now!

HWC, what is your dh's typical recharge time? Are you talking about within a session, within a day... what? My dh often wants sex both morning and night and is always recharged to accommodate that frequency. I know it greatly varies from person to person.

Scotty, I do believe you're right... I am somewhat abnormal but my dear husband is learning how to live with me ;-). And when we truly need practicality, we opt to sleep.

Anonymous said...

HWC - do you mean from session to session, or going for round two? One thing I have learned is that arousal time before orgasm is important. Orgasm too soon after arousal feels like it's "incomplete", lower volume. But it's also more likely that I'll be ready to go again sooner. A really good O after long periods of stimulation - things are pretty much done. Try going for a quickie, then string him along for as much agony as you (not him - let him beg and whine until you're ready) can stand.

job29man said...

Our big mismatch right now is bedtimes. DW doesn't feel she can go to bed until everyone else is in bed. So the older teens who have their club meetings and then get home at 9 and have to go out and do 2 hours of chores before bed, well it causes issues...

So I hit the hay at 9 and she comes to bed sometimes at 11 or 12 and then the discussion i
Me:"Why didn't you wake me up?"
Her: "Because you were sleeping so soundly. I didn't have the heart."
Me: "yeah but then I woke up at 3 a.m. all horny and stared at the ceiling till 5"
Her: "Why didn't you wake me up?"
Me: "I tried but you were totally zonked."
Her: "Try harder."
Me: "If I have to try really hard to wake you it means you are in the middle of some high quality sleep, which is your hardest thing to come by. That will mess up your restedness the next day. I don't want to do that to you."

And so it goes on...

Well, I just need to find a way to get the teens to bed earlier or to get DW to feel like they can get themselves to bed on their own.

The problem (?) is that the teens all get along so well that when they finish chores they congregate in the kitchen and want to chat and tell stories, and laugh till really late. Then it's awful trying to get them up the next morning.

But many parents would love to have the "problem" of their teens loving each other so much and getting along so well.

Ah well... I shouldn't complain I guess.



Gemma said...


You know that's a "mom thing" ;-), feeling that we need to have all the kiddos safe and sound in bed before we turn in but there has to be a balance in there somewhere. Our kids are between the ages of 18-22, well capable of putting themselves to bed. GR and I have learned that in most cases, it's OK to turn in before our kids go to bed. Let's face it-- If we all stayed up every night as late as our older teens and younger 20-something yo's, we'd be up until midnight or later... every night... scary thought.

Now GR and I have a situation where one dd works until midnight twice a week at her college library. This puts her home between 12:15-12:30, pulling in the driveway and getting out the car in a neighborhood where we've been having a rash of walk-by, drive-by criminal activity. Neither of us are comfortable with her getting out the car alone at that hour but at the same time, we don't care to stay up until she arrives home. Instead, we go to bed when we're ready, often around 9pm give or take, dd calls when she's leaving the library and one of us will meet her at the front door as she's getting out her car. We just don't see a better way around that so you have to do what you have to do.

OTOH, when our kids are just up late in the house visiting each other, which they like to do, we don't feel a need to supervise them or keep them company. They do tease us. (ie, What is wrong with you guys going to bed so early?) We just tell them, "Hey, we're old and need our sleep!" lol What does bother me sometimes is that our 3 bedrooms are adjacent to each other shared by a common hall and bathroom. I HATE when we're trying to have sex and I can hear the distracting sound of voices right outside our bedroom door and our bed is not far from the door.

The problem here is that if we stopped having sex every time the kids are in the hall we'd end up being two very frustrated people. Soooo, what we do is "carry on" with whatever we're doing even if they're in the hall. If they happen to hear sounds, we know that they really don't want to hear it, TMI... so they have the option of getting themselves out of the hall. They can easily duck into one of their rooms, close the door and continue visiting without hearing Mom and Dad.

Meanwhile, GR and I are getting ready to plan a project of finishing our basement. We'll be closing in half the basement, the half furthest from dd's bedrms, and turning it into a master suite- bedroom, play rm/sitting rm combo, bath and walk-in closet. We'll be designing the layout where the bedrm and play rm will be the most private, with the bath and closet strategically placed as *insulation* between the rest of the basement and the bedrm/playrm area. This plan will give us peace and privacy and give the girls the entire upstairs to themselves.

What were they thinking 75-100 years ago when they designed these houses with all the bedrooms smashed together? Obviously, they weren't thinking "sex" for Mom and Dad.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

Gemma and Anon., I appreciated your helpful questions. I had a horribly non-sexual week with my job-stressed husband and didn't have the heart to reply.

I deal with the looming horror of my man not needing sex with me as much as he, or I, would like. I grieve deep down inside.
I have to face the fact that he is slowing down physically, for some unknown reason, and I am forging ahead.

After making love last night, he caught me self-pleasuring because I was still super excited. I lied and said I had fallen off the bed :-(
I tell him when I pleasure myself but after he has made love to me, I do not think it's wise to let him know that sometimes, I am not satisfied!
I have taken ownership of my sexual satisfaction. I won't hurt him.

TMI- yes. I find relief writing my experiences and hope someone else will benefit from my journey?

Gemma said...


Sorry your week was so rough. Can you tell if your dh's slowing down is just a temporary hitch or if it seems to be more long-term? I know you're afraid to hurt him but really, wouldn't he rather know if you guys are ending things with you still being sexually needy? My dh would want to know. Begin TODAY to determine that there will be no more lies. Just be honest with him. A simple, "Honey, I'm still horny," would get the message across... or however you talk to him. The important thing is to be honest or else you will find a large gaping hole separating you from your dh. Don't allow that to happen.

The benefit from your journey? Be honest.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

Gemma, you darling blogbuddy, thank you for being so sweet, sincerely sweet.

I'm noticing an interesting trend.

Our date night fell through the floor once again with him being tired. I chinned up, showered, suggested he go about his usual nightly routine, ShShSh, and quietly went to bed without a whimper...well, a tiny one into my pillow!

Got woken up for a most amazing passion time. Left me soft, satiated and serene.

HWC THINKING : The pressure to set up our sex is too much.
He has been taking advantage of random times to blow me away with his desire but not in the timing and planning that we fix.
One night, about 10 mins before dashing out the door to a PTA by myself, he knocked my socks off.
Random nights, he has woken me up and taken me with much abandonment. All out of my comfort zone and unplanned! hhhmmm.

It's not as if we have been doing the planning thing on purpose. With a larger family and ALL that that entails, scheduling dates and oohlala is pretty necessary.

My lion of a man is rebelling against form so once again, I bend and move and accomodate. Oh, but the rewards. To live for (hate saying to die for!)

I think I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel.

And yes, I will be honest about being horny from now on. Self pleasuring is hurting my spirit through the sheer loneliness of it. Thx for reading once again.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

G'morning Gemma,
You've been quiet. Hope all is well. Will pray for you and your family this week-call it prayer insurance ;-)

Gemma said...

Yes, we've been having some difficulties with one dd's health. If and when I get a chance I'll try to post a bit about it. Thanks for praying.