Thursday, August 27, 2009

Spousal Accountability vs. Male Dominance/Female Submission

These are two related yet distinctive concepts. Let me try and explain my thoughts about this. Do you feel that both husbands and wives should be spiritually accountable to each other? GR and I do practice mutual, spiritual accountability. Do you have a teachable spirit? When your spouse brings up a grievance do you stop and listen to them and take their words to heart OR... do you find yourself rolling your eyes and changing the subject or walking away to avoid talking about it? As we all fall short in different ways, what methods do you generally use to grow in your own weak areas?

If you practice spousal accountability, how does it play out in your marriage bed? This is where it can become tricky, in knowing how to mesh the two.

A personal goal of mine is to become a total submissive in my marriage bed for my dominant husband with his requests and commands to the point where he says "jump" and I ask "how high, Sir?" How should this play out in your marriage relationship in light of mutual accountability? If a wife wants to be totally submissive in the marriage bed how should she approach her husband if there is something she needs to address in his behavior outside the marriage bed? I realize that not all couples want this much dom/sub in their marriage bed relationship but if you prefer female submission to any degree, how do you make the distinction between a wife being sexually submissive and a couple being spiritually accountable to each other?

Am I making sense? If not, feel free to ask questions for clarity.

18 comments:

job29man said...

Excellent question!

For us the whole Dominant/submissive thing is largely play. It's fun sometimes.

While IRL everyday stuff I am the Head and leader in the family, I'm pretty hands off in her areas of responsibility, and I even regard her as the authority in those realms except when I need to jump in when there's a glitch.

Spiritually we are both equally accountable to the other as far as rebuke, correction, admonition stuff. She is just as welcome to correct me as I am her.

While much of our marriage may "look" like a "mutual submission" arrangement, it actually is not. It's just that our communication is good enough that we function like a team who can read each other's minds. And I am VERY reluctant to overrule Sarah in her areas of responsibility. It would frankly take a LOT of impetus for me to feel that need. I've done it far less than a dozen times in 30 years marriage.

I also very much recognize her authority over my body in the MB. But she uses that authority in such a feminine way! However she is free to just tell me "Husband I want you to do XYZ to me now please."

But IRL I am the more forceful one (with her permission) including carrying her off to the bedroom and even wrestling her down to have my way with her.

Dani said...

As we have dove in to D/s, this has come up for us, too. Pleasing him is now my most urgent need (and embarassed to say that hasn't been the case for most of our marriage...). But if there is something that comes up that i need addressed, i just do so, but much more respectfully than i would have in the past. my tounge is too sharp, too often. i wait for a good time and just say that i need to talk to him about something (sometimes on my knees in front of him, easier to choose the right words if i am in that position). But i also leave the final decision up to him.

After writing that it sounds so "normal"...but it is 180 degrees from where we were just 9 months ago. i feel the difference, physically, as well as emotionally. It hits my heart in a different way.

Gemma said...

Job said: "Spiritually we are both equally accountable to the other as far as rebuke, correction, admonition stuff. She is just as welcome to correct me as I am her."

As it should be, Job. Otherwise, it's too easy for either spouse to become spiritually "off" in one or more areas and have it tear down the marriage relationship.

Yet in the sexual arena I find it comforting and safe to have my dom husband be the one in total control. For this to happen the wife has to have an incredible amount of trust in her husband.

PLEASE NOTE: If a dom husband has tendencies or has a recent history of steering his sub wife into sexual sin, then that trust can be a huge problem and in those cases, I would not recommend a wife give total control to her husband. There is nothing safe or comforting for a sub wife to blindly follow her dom husband down a slippery slope of a sexually sinful marriage bed. Have fun, enjoy your marriage bed with wild abandonment but, as always, exercise wisdom and discernment in all aspects of your marriage.

job29man said...

Gemma,

It's kind of scary how far we would trust each other. Much much farther than we would ever go IRL.

We are SOOOOOOO vanilla compared to many others! That's OK. I cool with being "square".

But in some ways we are very adventurous. It reminds me of a movie. I think the male star was Robert Wagner. He was in Rome with a lady and they needed some money so they got into a large fountain and started stealing coins that folks had tossed in for luck.

A policeman came by and asked them what they were doing. Thinking fast the man said "Well officer, my wife has been wanting some more spice in our love life and she thought that if we got into the fountain here... well... you know! (wink)

The 50 something, portly policeman replies "Signor I have 12 children. All of them conceived in the same bed, with the curtains drawn and the lights out. I don't know why you young people feel you need to do such things. I'm leaving now. Please complete your... business... quickly. When I return you must be gone."

We are not as staid as the policeman, and sometimes as bold as that couple. But not much further than that I think. (ha ha)

Gemma said...

Dani said: "i wait for a good time and just say that i need to talk to him about something (sometimes on my knees in front of him, easier to choose the right words if i am in that position). But i also leave the final decision up to him."

Dani, "on the knees" is a very sweet and respectful way to approach a dh. It keeps us humble and submissive. I love it.

It doesn't take much... it can be little things... that help us dw's exhibit respect and submissiveness to our dh's. On the urging of one of my readers I recently began thanking my dh each time I have an orgasm. When I have an O I tell him, "Thank you, Sir" or "Thank you, Master". He loves to hear that I am grateful. I've been off/on thanking him for O's for a while now but only recently began doing it each time and adding the "Sir" or "Master" title to it.

Hiswildcherry46 said...

I also thank my husband for taking me to the edge of my sanity ;-)

My trust in him is essential because I have powerful orgasmic experiences. He knows to stay beside me, touching me throughout, until I come back to earth. I am grateful that he appreciates my helplessness and vulnerability. Verbally thanking him is another show of my adoration of him as my lover and lord!

Command0-182 said...

I actually like female domination (mild, soft-core) in bed. As far as accountability, I definitely thinks spouses should be accountable to one another, including spiritually. Sexually, I kinda like female domination but outside of that, I'm pretty egalitarian. As far as a line between the two, I don't really think you can have a clearly defined line. I guess it all just comes down to common sense. I guess when you see your spouse doing something harmful you just have to put your foot down, not as a leading partner or a dom or anything but just as their spouse who's here to help them.

I see marriage as being all about intimacy and working to eliminate anything that blocks it.

Gemma said...

So Commando, is it a "female dominant wife" that you like as in your wife dominating everything you do in the bedroom treating you as a sub ....OR.... are you only expressing a preference for "active female participation" as in- having a wife who initiates often, who shows sexual need and desire for you, who is a tiger in the bed? Can you clarify your preference?

There is a huge difference between the two. Some wives, myself included, don't want to be fem/domms who keep our husbands as subs but we normally are aggressive 'cumsluts' in bed simply because we thoroughly enjoy sex.

Command0-182 said...

I think I just like strong assertiveness in a women. Someone who isn't always hanging on me like I'm supposed to know what to do (cus I don't). Usually though I'm pretty egalitarian. But I won't lie, when I read mild sensual stories of women being assertive and a little dominant in be (and I don't mean the whole, dressed in leather, whipping...dominatrix crap) I get rather excited. I seem to be an odd ball out. :/

Gemma said...

Oh, I don't think you're an odd ball out, Commando. There are many husbands, my own included, who love for their wives to be aggressive in bed. As much as my dh loves sexual aggression in me, he equally hates the whole fem/domm mentality; so do I.

job29man said...

I got no problem with being "commanded" in bed. It'd rock my world for DW to say "Get over hear stud. I want you to go down on me now!"

That's just good old eagerness and self confidence in bed. It's not like she's saying "kneel before me" or something like that.

(grin)

Gemma said...

I agree, Job. Big difference between being sexually aggressive with our dh's vs. treating them as slaves. Someone recently asked me what happens if I want to jump my dh's bones. I said, "I just jump them!" GR has no objections unless we're playing some sort of "denial" game.

Mark 9:24 said...

I just posted someting along these lines, but it was in Gemmas A Couple of Quick Notes. blog post.

If anyone is interested it can be found there.
http://passionwithinmarriage.blogspot.com/2009/08/just-couple-of-quick-notes-here.html?showComment=1252520755534#c7315743707321787549

Mark

Anonymous said...

Gemma,
I have really enjoyed reading your blog, and I have a question for you. I recently stumbled accross a website called "Taken in Hand" (www.takeninhand.com) I was wondering if you have ever read that site, and if so, what your oppinion is of this lifestyle.

Gemma said...

Glad you've enjoyed my blog, Anon. I've only briefly viewed the Taken in Hand site a while back and to be totally honest, they ramble on and on so much in the entire site that I quickly lost interest and never did find one clear description of what "Taken in Hand" really is all about. Perhaps the site owner uses their wordy method to "hook" people in, I don't know, but I just don't have time to sift through all their lengthy articles.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, I totally agree Gemma! I have to admit, it struck a curiosity in me. However, as I started to read, it did seem like a lot of rambling and that the articles were sort of "all over the place". Like you, I decided I didn't have the time to try and figure out what exactly they were trying to say. I really value your opinon and figured I'd ask if you had explored the site and save myself a lot of time, lol. Anyway, thanks for replying back!

Gemma said...

Sorry, I guess I didn't save you any time, did I? ;-) Possibly one of my readers is familiar with the site and would be willing to share their thoughts?

Mark 9:24 said...

Anonymous said...
.....I recently stumbled accross a website called "Taken in Hand"...


Gemma said...
....Possibly one of my readers is familiar with the site and would be willing to share their thoughts?


I had never heard of the Taken In Hand website until I saw it here.

They are a bit verbose, but I think it's becuase thay are trying to explain something to people who "don't get it" which I know doesn't apply to anyone here. ;-) Generally speaking. ;-)

I am going through the "tour" and I did find this on the website which describes my wife VERY well.

A Taken In Hand relationship is a wholehearted sexually exclusive marriage in which, to the delight of both spouses, the man actively controls the woman. The degree of control and the way the husband retains control vary from Taken In Hand couple to Taken In Hand couple, but in all cases both husband and wife actively want the husband to have the upper hand. No matter how strong, tough and forceful a Taken In Hand wife may be, and no matter how hard she might try to take control in their marriage, she would be aghast if her husband were to let her get the upper hand. Likewise, no matter how loving, kind and considerate the husband may be, he prefers to keep his wife firmly in hand.

Plus this describes my wifes feelings as well:

When a man takes charge, his wife no longer rejects him sexually

When Edwina and her husband discovered Taken In Hand and the idea of the wife being sexually available to the husband, the benefits were many, as this article shows. Her husband had been rather passive and tentative, and had suffered from feelings of rejection when that approach had not thrilled Edwina. The last thing many women (Taken In Hand type women, anyway) want is to be asked whether they are tired as a way of asking tentatively for sex. What they want is to be firmly taken by a man. They don't want to be in the position of giving permission, and the passivity and timidity and pathetic pleading nature of such interactions can be viscerally repulsive and result in the very rejection the man feared in the first place.


Here is something I shared with Gemma about how my wife thinks/feels:

Jean is more self confident when she knows she can trust herself to me, that I am watching out for her, that I add control in her life that she needs. When she can trust me to do what is right and that I will never wimp out and let her take control. "I'm like a wall that she can lean against and rely on. That not only will that wall protect her, but that it also will not fall on her and crush her" I put that last part in bolded italics because those are basically her words, not mine.

Basically she needs me to be a wall that she can rely on to stand up to her and protect her as well. If she leans against the wall, for any reason, and it fall over away from her then that is like me wimping out. If the wall falls on her then I am being a Domineering @$$.

I hope this makes sence.

Mark