Friday, May 15, 2009

Do you need to call a "time out" to arrange a new game plan for your life?

One of my readers recently asked me if I could make a list of practical things that I do and that others could practice in order to "live in a state of arousal". Well, folks, I don't know how to make a list for that but I thought I would write about it here for the benefit of those who are interested. This reader commented that he felt his wife struggles to reach arousal because of hectic, busy days with young children, because of tiredness and because of a general lack of desire to enjoy sex. Can you relate to any of that? He shared with me that his wife does actually enjoy sex once her arousal kicks in but getting herself to that level of arousal is extremely challenging for her. I addressed this article to women who need help with arousal but if you are the wife of a husband who struggles with it, perhaps some of what I share will apply.

My theory... and it works for me... is that many people are too quick to quench their arousal. They become aroused and it is like, "Oh, quick, let's have sex so I can O." It is all about becoming aroused, quenching it with the O and then it is over. What if they occasionally enjoyed sex only to get to the edge and then stopped short of Oing? Do you think their arousal would just up and disappear? Of course not, at least mine does not go away. It leaves me raging horny until the next time we have sex. It leaves me obsessed, if I may use that word, with erotic thoughts until my husband and I are sexually joined again. So it is hot. It is erotic. But to make this work to one's advantage the person has to want to become aroused and they have to want to live in a state of arousal and, of course, they also have to want sexual release either some or most of the time. They must be willing to have sex often, frequently, in order to keep their sex drive in "high" mode. If we are talking about females-- the more we have sex, the more we want it; that's a fact. Now, it is no big secret around here that I am a high-SD person just like GR. Even if I do not start out aroused, he only has to give me "that look" or slightly touch me and I become instantly horny. But any male or female can keep their libido alive and ticking if they are willing to tend to it.. if they make it a priority... if they want to be a generous spouse.

A wife who is busy with little ones and hectic schedules may have to work extra hard in learning how to pace her daily work load and how to slow herself down in the later hours of the day. Often I hear moms say, "My child is too old now and will not take naps," and they use that to justify having the child up all day long. Let me tell you something--- You can have all your kids take naps or have a read/rest time in their beds every afternoon until they are 10-12 years old and it will not kill them. What it will do is give your wife a little breathing room in the early afternoon each day. While the kids nap or read in their beds your wife can take a much needed "mom break". Many wives cannot work, work, work from sun up to sun down being homemakers and moms and then turn into sex fiends at bedtime. It just is not going to happen. And, rest assured, I would never say to husbands, "Just help around the house more and your wife will always or usually want sex." We all know that is not realistic, however, for the sexually generous wife who truly wants to give all to her husband--- Making the kids take mandatory nap/rest after lunch, lightening her daily work load from say... 4-8pm, getting the kids to bed on time and getting herself to bed on time will do wonders for her sexual energy and desire later that night and/or early in the mornings.

Which is more important, the house or the kids? The kids or the marriage? Order of priority should be God (not church), husband/marriage bed, kids and lastly, the house. Please do not tell me, "My wife is busy preparing and teaching Sunday school each week or with worship team or choir but she cannot find time or energy for sex." If that is true, her priorities are terribly wrong. I do not care how badly she or you think your church NEEDS to have her involved in any particular ministry. God does not equal church. People think that if they put their marriage bed before church that it means they are not putting God first; that is so wrong. After your relationship with God, your marriage and your marriage bed should be your very next ministry, before any church ministry (ie, one of my pet peeves- marriage bed is ministry, too).

A husband and wife may both need to lower their standard for housekeeping. Dust, dirt and stuff will always be there to clean the next day. Do what you can and at a certain time each day, perhaps 4pm, call it quits! A major portion of supper prep, if not all of it, can be done before 4pm. Living in a state of arousal may mean saying "no" to the kids for some things between 4-8pm so that it does not steal a wife's energy which she should be saving for her marriage bed that night. Our two kids are now in college but as their ex-homeschooling mom for grades K through 12, I am well-acquainted with the ease in which moms can mix priorities and place kids before marriage and especially before the marriage bed. Moms struggle with feelings of parental failure more than dads, I think, but we still need to keep our marriage and parenting ministries in right perspective. There is nothing that my mom or dad neglected to do for me or with me that makes me cry today. In the grand scheme of things some of the parenting stuff we worry about is just stuff we need to release. Let it go, for goodness sakes!

Now I ask you---- How many of your life priorities are out of order? How much of this could possibly be the culprit in keeping your wife from easily attaining a high level of arousal and having energy for sex? You say, "I'd change things in a New York minute if I could but my wife will not budge." Well, perhaps you should call a "time out" and sit down with her to discuss a new and better game plan because she will surely perish without a good plan and so will your marriage bed. Do you want an aroused wife? Our minds and bodies can only take so much each day and if we are constantly consumed with responsibilities and stress, how can we possibly make time for arousal? My husband and I are alike in that when we are stressed, we both reach out for more sex as a stress-reliever but many wives cannot focus on both responsibilities/stress and sex like most husbands can do. What place of prominence does your marriage bed have on the "to do" list? Does it even rate prominence? Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while and reading my TMB posts, you already know that this is a hot topic for me. Pray about this and give it some serious thought. See if God is not trying to tell you that you need to rearrange your daily schedule.

I welcome your comments and, as always, please feel free to email if you have anything you want to discuss with me that you would rather keep private.


hiswildcherry said...

Gemma, you have nailed it right on the head.

When I was sitting across the table from my husband one Sat. and saw his eyes glass over with sadness and total despair from always trying to get me to 'see' him in spite of all of my priorities with home education and being super-Mom, I broke my own icicle laced heart.

He was a long distance commuter for work, and I had to hold the fort in every sense. I was a religiously proud, entirely in control, woMAN. 23 years of passive sexual service to my man broke into a sniveling wreck of a woman who desperately craved my husband's lusting looks. For years he had turned to receiving lustful glances, plus a few proposals, from woman to satiate his sex drive. Even though he could have me whenever he wanted, physically, I was not his in my soul. I barred my emotions from ever entering into the act of sex because I was angry with him for always leaving my bed to make a living (HUH) and never having the time nor energy to be a dad to his kids. I took it out on our sex life and it almost killed us emotionally, sexually and nearly finished our precious marriage.

We truly have had one of the most bedrock marriages we know of but our sex life was on the rocks.

As a current home schooling mom, I am a tiger about our Friday night dates and Saturday alone times. I make the kids do the kitchen and house mess on the weekends and I couldn't give a fig about the state of the house come Friday afternoon. Never did I leave the kitchen in a, who cares, phah.

My priorities have changed 100% and I make sure we get our sex time in our bedroom by guarding it with fierce jealousy. My kids know that they are in for it if they dare to interfere because they have gotten the lion's share of my passionate devotion for their entire lives.

My man always said to put the kids first but I went overboard and nearly died in my heart towards him. It almost cost me my beautiful marriage focusing on the kids, home schooling, mentoring of my teens and helping other teens!

WTF is my response to all of the energy I expended in the wrong areas before I 'woke up' to my sin. Yes, it is gross sin to ignore your man's sexual need and want. It is gross sin to think that you are fine because your body gets satiated with a suckling baby and not with your man 'taking' your breasts. It is gross sin when you are so doggarned tired at the end of the day that you spurn his touch in bed that night. It is gross sin to NOT lust after your man when you know he is a lusty person and is getting off in his head about other women's lurid looks.

My pet peeve is that dedicated home school mothers actually hate their marriage bed and throw all of their desire into their children. God is not pleased with this behaviour and it is a learned behaviour. It needs to be repented of and turned from in a 180 degree fashion.

Today,I am a different woman. I am my husband's whore. We have outrageous sex. He o'd twice last night and has been struggling with LD and stress-dampened libido since my awakening. OMG, I got my man to O twice...I am so blissfully happy, no-one can imagine how 'cat got the birdy' smilingly delicious I feel this morning. HE LUSTED AFTER ME...My painful prayers are beginning to be answered and he is now starting to look at me with the eyes of desire which he has never done in all the years of our marriage.

Gemma, keep on discerning and speaking out about all of this crud. You truly have 'something' to say and those of us who are willing to hear, will listen. I promise !

Who am I said...


Thanks for you honesty sharing. I admire your willingness to make changes for the benefit of your marriage.

Was hoping you had a blog- you write so well.

Odo said...

A standing ovation to both gemma and hiswildcherry! Gemma, yes indeed you nailed it and hiswildcherry, you proved it works. Sad to think how many marriages struggle because of out of balance priorities? DW and I raised two wonderful sons with me working shifts most of their young lives and we managed well because of priorities. God/Jesus first, then us, then our sons, then church, then work. And it worked. Thanks and God Bless to you both.

Command0-182 said...

"Let me tell you something--- You can have all your kids take naps or have a read/rest time in their beds every afternoon until they are 10-12 years old and it will not kill them."
Yeah, but they'd kill you! But then...I went to public school. I tried homeschooling once. took me four years to get from 9th to half-way through 10th grade. Never did actually finish HS.

Anyway, I was going to ask you to elaborate, if you'd be so kind, on this part for me:
"Order of priority should be God (not church)"

If our life isn't governed by the will we know how to find God?

Gemma said...

hiswildcherry said: "My pet peeve is that dedicated home school mothers actually hate their marriage bed and throw all of their desire into their children. God is not pleased with this behaviour..."

As an ex-homeschool mom of 18 years, I have to regrettably say that there is a lot of truth in your comment. If you hang around homeschool forums as long as I have, it becomes obvious that the world of homeschool moms usually revolves around their kids, not their marriage. I was the same way. If I had to do it all over again my priorities would be totally different than what they were.

Gemma said...

In response to my comment on forced afternoon rest times for kids, CommandO-182 said: "Yeah, but they'd kill you!"

Not at all, C. When my kids were between the ages of 3-5 rest time was the most challenging because they were too old to sleep and one of my kids wasn't reading yet at those ages. Once they both became readers, rest time was not only a breeze for me to instill but my kids actually looked forward to that time of day where they would hit their beds and allow their minds to lazily wander or they could delve into a good book. Until they learned to enjoy the time I used to tell them, "You can sleep, you can read or you can lie there and stare at the ceiling but you WILL have a rest time." They did this until they were around 10-12yo and it didn't make them lazy at all.

Both of them are now college students who work hard to keep their grades up, both of them love school and both of them love learning. Now that they're full time students and part-time employees they often reminiscence of that time of their lives where they could rest every afternoon.

Gemma said...

CommandO-182 asked: I was going to ask you to elaborate, "Order of priority should be God (not church)"
If our life isn't governed by the will we know how to find God?

First of all, as a Christian why would God be lost where He'd need to be found by us? Do we need a pastor to legalistically and abusively, I might add, demand all of our time in order for us to "find God"?

Don't misunderstand me--- My dh and I are regular church goers. In over 25 years of marriage, we only stopped attending church for one 3-month period. This happened during a time when we were thoroughly disgusted with church as we knew it but we didn't have a clue of where we should go from there. Our solution was to stay home, pray and wait for God to show us where we needed to be; and He did.

If a pastor is guilting us to do more and more "good works" to prove our spirituality to him, and he places more importance on that than on the condition of our marriage... something is terribly wrong with that line of thinking. Something is terribly wrong with that order of priority. Something is terribly wrong with his motives.

GR and I are committed to our church but you know what? If we tell our pastor, "We're having difficulties in our marriage,"... which we did in fact tell him 2 years ago... he would respond by saying, "You are intelligent people. You know what you ought to do. Now go home and do it." And he would understand perfectly if he didn't see us at a church service or if we had to bow out of volunteering our time for Sunday school teaching, worship team, choir or any other time-consuming ministry. He would say, "Take care of your marriage. We love to see you here helping but we don't need for you to neglect your marriage in order to stay involved in any ministry."

Please note--- Our pastor wouldn't tell us to stop loving God, or to stop praying or even to stop coming to church. He would only tell us to stop any and all busy work pertaining to church so we could devote that time to healing our marriage. So you see--- God does not equal church. Yes, they are related but they are not equal. What if I was a sick, house-bound person who couldn't get to church? Would God be lost to me? Would I not be able to "find God" just because I was bed-ridden? Am I making sense here?

In conclusion I would say--- If your marriage bed isn't all what it should be and yet you or your spouse is busy spending time volunteering in one or more church ministries, then the ministries or the pastor (not God) are taking priority over your marriage bed. Don't let a pastor tell you that if you are a good Christian you'd be there every time the doors are open, regardless of what's happening at home and specifically in your marriage. If your pastor knows your marriage is struggling yet he continues laying guilt trips on you, then I'd say that his motives are totally wrong and unbiblical. GR and I would not sit under the authority of such a pastor. Those are the types of churches/pastors we left behind us.

And, please, I understand the philosophy of "do for others and God will bless you". But we need to be discerning about what things we're doing for others so that those things don't snuff out our marriage. In the last couple of years GR and I have purposely stayed home on a handful of Sundays simply because we had marriage stuff to tend to that couldn't wait. And we did so without guilt, without condemnation. That's what I mean when I say God first, then marriage, then kids, then church and others.

hiswildcherry said...

Hi Who am I,
Have a blog but it's in its infancy so will let you know when I have something readable !
Challenging for me as I am a busy mom of 7 with 6 still at home, 3 in public school, plus 2 bitsies home schooling..eep.
Love stretching myself so will have at it as I LOVE writing. Bit too verbose oftimes but maturity is tempering that..rotfl.

Command0-182 said...

Thank you for your response. Although...when I said what I said, I didn't quiet mean Sunday School involvement or, parish community service. I meant more like, how do you reconcile all the rules? We must've had very different church experiences, either that or we've come to the same conclusion.

I'm talking about all the,

Don't do it on a fast day, or during a fast (Great Lent, Little Lent...etc)

Only use NFP (not my recommended choice) as contraception (my SF hold to this rule, duno about others).

As you age you should do it less and less and constantly think about and prepare yourself for death.

Be as brother and sister (aka, never do it).

Masturbation (aka "self-abuse" apparently) short...evil.

Sometimes when a SF prescribes a rule he may give a penance of no Eucharist for some, x amount of time for breaking it.

I guess I was just curious to hear how you reconcile it when you hear one of these rules given. Do you just shrug 'em over you shoulder (basically what I do). I don't sound like you abstain all through Great Lent (what is that like 50 some days?) and I certainly don't blame ya'.

Me, I think it's all...yeah, our church's sex ed is lacking...severely. I've pretty much resigned myself to taking Eucharist only a few times a year. That way I only have to be perfect (or near perfect) for only a few weeks out of the year.

Anyhow, that's sorta what I meant to ask the first time around.

Gemma said...

In the Orthodox Faith we're each treated as individuals with individual spiritual needs. Because of the 20+ years of me refusing sex, my pastor would never ask us to abstain during fast days or during Great Lent. That's just not what my dh and I need. And I've never heard of our pastor saying to anyone in our church to have sex less and less as they age. Be as brother and sister? Nope, never heard that either. Overall, I'd say that sex ed in our church is treated in a very healthy way.

wifeof1gr8man said...

I have been married for 29 years in July, have been a mom for 23 years, have seven children and have homeschooled for 15 years. I also was brought up with my parents teaching me that the relationship and support between husband and wife had to come before any type of need the children have, and the parenting relationship.
I guess I am one of the lucky ones. My mom and dad did not hesitate to tell us that they loved each other most.
My husband and I have a wonderful sex life. It seems to reach a new level every once and a while, just after we think it might not be able to get any better than this, it does.
When our daughter got married we gave her and her new husband 'Sheet Music' to share. We have always taught our children that sex is something that should be protected, be enjoyed together when in marriage, and be as much fun as possible.

Gemma said...

Welcome to my blog, wifeof1! Yes, you are one of the lucky ones. Your parents were very wise in how they handled sex in their marriage and in how they transferred that healthy attitude to their dc. May you continue to climb to new heights in your marriage bed.

job29man said...

Agreed that God,not church, comes first, then marriage...

Once when DW and I were like two ships passing in the night for about 3 weeks, we were strangers, our sex life sucked for those few weeks...

We both had resentments and grievances against the other. We both were at fault.

I felt wrong about going to church and "bringing an offering" because I had something against her, and she against me. So we "left our offering there" and "came home" to "make it right". as it were...

On Sunday morning I got all the kids up and sent them away to church without us. I got DW on the couch with me and we talked it out for an hour. Then we got naked and returned to the couch in a caressing discussion for another hour.

After that we were all healed. Only one thing remained, i.e. "Renewing the Convenant" with sex.

So I picked her up from the couch and carried her to the Dinner Table. There I laid her down on the table and we went at sex together in a truly primal way. It was vigorous and very very loud. The windows were opened and I thought "If the Sheriff drives by our on our lonely road with his window down... He's gonna come in here with his gun drawn because it sounds like someone is getting murdered in here (So loud were DW's moans of encouragement).

We skipped Church, but we pleased God, IMO.

BTW to Hiswildcherry, thanks for your testimony. You'll be happy to know that we are in our 50s, have 10 children, have always homeschooled and enjoy a lusty and passionate Marriage Bed. It can work with the right mindset and teaching.

Gemma said...

Job, we've done that on several occasions... sent the kids to church while GR and I stayed home alone to work on our relationship. A couple's gotta do what they gotta do! :-) The marriage rules!

bunnyhunch said...

Gemma, this is an important discussion. Your posters have it down right. I wish we'd had things in the right order over the years. We probably should have stayed home to work on marital issues from time to time - we certainly wanted to - but, we always had obligations. Church (as God, we thought) came first. We focused on our marriage in between, then the kids. Thankfully, ours has always been a very good marriage on the whole.

We are encouraging our married son and his wife to do things differently. They are at risk of becoming too busy with church duties (all good, of course), putting their marriage/family second.

We have been rethinking our priorities for quite awhile now and have made big changes. Too bad we didn't do it years ago.

Thanks for the excellent discussion. HWC, JobMan, Wifeof1: I love your testimonies! They are inspiring as always.

Gemma said...

Good for you and your dh for encouraging your married son and his wife. Your encouragement may very well help them avoid major problems down the road.