One of my readers recently asked me if I could make a list of practical things that I do and that others could practice in order to "live in a state of arousal". Well, folks, I don't know how to make a list for that but I thought I would write about it here for the benefit of those who are interested. This reader commented that he felt his wife struggles to reach arousal because of hectic, busy days with young children, because of tiredness and because of a general lack of desire to enjoy sex. Can you relate to any of that? He shared with me that his wife does actually enjoy sex once her arousal kicks in but getting herself to that level of arousal is extremely challenging for her. I addressed this article to women who need help with arousal but if you are the wife of a husband who struggles with it, perhaps some of what I share will apply.
My theory... and it works for me... is that many people are too quick to quench their arousal. They become aroused and it is like, "Oh, quick, let's have sex so I can O." It is all about becoming aroused, quenching it with the O and then it is over. What if they occasionally enjoyed sex only to get to the edge and then stopped short of Oing? Do you think their arousal would just up and disappear? Of course not, at least mine does not go away. It leaves me raging horny until the next time we have sex. It leaves me obsessed, if I may use that word, with erotic thoughts until my husband and I are sexually joined again. So it is hot. It is erotic. But to make this work to one's advantage the person has to want to become aroused and they have to want to live in a state of arousal and, of course, they also have to want sexual release either some or most of the time. They must be willing to have sex often, frequently, in order to keep their sex drive in "high" mode. If we are talking about females-- the more we have sex, the more we want it; that's a fact. Now, it is no big secret around here that I am a high-SD person just like GR. Even if I do not start out aroused, he only has to give me "that look" or slightly touch me and I become instantly horny. But any male or female can keep their libido alive and ticking if they are willing to tend to it.. if they make it a priority... if they want to be a generous spouse.
A wife who is busy with little ones and hectic schedules may have to work extra hard in learning how to pace her daily work load and how to slow herself down in the later hours of the day. Often I hear moms say, "My child is too old now and will not take naps," and they use that to justify having the child up all day long. Let me tell you something--- You can have all your kids take naps or have a read/rest time in their beds every afternoon until they are 10-12 years old and it will not kill them. What it will do is give your wife a little breathing room in the early afternoon each day. While the kids nap or read in their beds your wife can take a much needed "mom break". Many wives cannot work, work, work from sun up to sun down being homemakers and moms and then turn into sex fiends at bedtime. It just is not going to happen. And, rest assured, I would never say to husbands, "Just help around the house more and your wife will always or usually want sex." We all know that is not realistic, however, for the sexually generous wife who truly wants to give all to her husband--- Making the kids take mandatory nap/rest after lunch, lightening her daily work load from say... 4-8pm, getting the kids to bed on time and getting herself to bed on time will do wonders for her sexual energy and desire later that night and/or early in the mornings.
Which is more important, the house or the kids? The kids or the marriage? Order of priority should be God (not church), husband/marriage bed, kids and lastly, the house. Please do not tell me, "My wife is busy preparing and teaching Sunday school each week or with worship team or choir but she cannot find time or energy for sex." If that is true, her priorities are terribly wrong. I do not care how badly she or you think your church NEEDS to have her involved in any particular ministry. God does not equal church. People think that if they put their marriage bed before church that it means they are not putting God first; that is so wrong. After your relationship with God, your marriage and your marriage bed should be your very next ministry, before any church ministry (ie, one of my pet peeves- marriage bed is ministry, too).
A husband and wife may both need to lower their standard for housekeeping. Dust, dirt and stuff will always be there to clean the next day. Do what you can and at a certain time each day, perhaps 4pm, call it quits! A major portion of supper prep, if not all of it, can be done before 4pm. Living in a state of arousal may mean saying "no" to the kids for some things between 4-8pm so that it does not steal a wife's energy which she should be saving for her marriage bed that night. Our two kids are now in college but as their ex-homeschooling mom for grades K through 12, I am well-acquainted with the ease in which moms can mix priorities and place kids before marriage and especially before the marriage bed. Moms struggle with feelings of parental failure more than dads, I think, but we still need to keep our marriage and parenting ministries in right perspective. There is nothing that my mom or dad neglected to do for me or with me that makes me cry today. In the grand scheme of things some of the parenting stuff we worry about is just stuff we need to release. Let it go, for goodness sakes!
Now I ask you---- How many of your life priorities are out of order? How much of this could possibly be the culprit in keeping your wife from easily attaining a high level of arousal and having energy for sex? You say, "I'd change things in a New York minute if I could but my wife will not budge." Well, perhaps you should call a "time out" and sit down with her to discuss a new and better game plan because she will surely perish without a good plan and so will your marriage bed. Do you want an aroused wife? Our minds and bodies can only take so much each day and if we are constantly consumed with responsibilities and stress, how can we possibly make time for arousal? My husband and I are alike in that when we are stressed, we both reach out for more sex as a stress-reliever but many wives cannot focus on both responsibilities/stress and sex like most husbands can do. What place of prominence does your marriage bed have on the "to do" list? Does it even rate prominence? Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while and reading my TMB posts, you already know that this is a hot topic for me. Pray about this and give it some serious thought. See if God is not trying to tell you that you need to rearrange your daily schedule.
I welcome your comments and, as always, please feel free to email if you have anything you want to discuss with me that you would rather keep private.