Wednesday, April 29, 2009

You'd Be So Pretty If...

I have not seen this book yet but heard about it this morning on The Today Show and thought the info was worth posting. Dara Chadwick wrote "You'd Be So Pretty If". You can read more about her book here and read about what led up to the writing of it in this article entitled "Body image: Like mother, like daughter". Chadwick explains how even small comments can have a big impact.

5 comments:

Bev said...

That is so true. I had to and still have to fight hard against my Nana's backhanded complements.

Who am I said...

I was reading from "Eternity to Here" by Frank Viola today, and found this quote on pg 58 that seemed to ring so true to me.

An older lady told Frank once basically this.

Dear Sister in Christ,never,ever,ever point out your physical flaws to the man you love. Repeat: never ever point out your physical flaws to the man you love. The reaon? Because he will not see them unless you point them out to him.

God has created us men this way. We are virtually oblivious to the physical flaws in the women we love, until they point them out to us. After that point, we can't help but see them.

I have found this so true in my relationship with my wife. I can be so enthralled with her beauty, especially when she goes the extra mile with grooming and lingerie that I like, and she will start pointing out everything wrong, or wondering how I could be turned on by her, and by the end- I am deflated and wondering why not just go look at Playboy, or a strip joint or whatever.

Anonymous said...

Hello Gemma,
I have been enjoying reading your posts and those who have added their experiences. I was surprised that more of the women who read and post here, did not have anything to say about this difficult issue.
Surely there are more opinionated, sexually-free, Christian women who can relate to raising our girls with a greater sense of self esteem than we have had ourselves.
I was equally surprised that none of the women replied with an insight into their low self esteem resulting from religiosity and legalistic church teachings which have been insidious and pervasive during the past 20 or so years.
I know where you are coming from because I have read some of your writings yet I would like to know that there are more women in the Body of Christ who have dealt with the double-edged sword of low self esteem and raising daughters to have high self esteems.
If there has been one huge stumbling block to my sexual awakening last year, after 23 years of marriage, it has had to have been the poor image I fostered in myself.
Owing to low self worth, I held to the false standard of a Godly woman that I fed myself via various large women ministries and such.
My sense of achievement arose from being a dedicated home schooling mom, frumpily dressing so as not to be a stumbling block to men other than my husband, maniacal church attendance regardless of serious leadership abuse and general 'head-in-sand' ostrich tendencies.
The past year has been an emo. roller coaster with my man and kids seriously wondering what the heck happened to their totally 'in control' mom !
If would be great if other women could chime in here about how they have overcome this monolithic character challenge in that we are now having to relearn what a Godly women REALLY should be like and then, horror of horrors, figuring out how to convey these truths to our darling daughters.

bunnyhunch said...

Anon: I was equally surprised that none of the women replied with an insight into their low self esteem resulting from religiosity and legalistic church teachings which have been insidious and pervasive during the past 20 or so years.In my experience, my low self-esteem didn't stem from church teachings per se, more from misinterpreting them. Between what I saw at home and understood in studying Scripture, I took things too far, not standing up for myself. (My parents had a solid marriage overall, but Mom was often verbally & emotionally abusive, particularly to her daughters. I did NOT want to be like my mother.) The Bible teaches us to be humble, but humility isn't allowing yourself to be a doormat.

Anon., did your low self worth stem at all from what you experienced in your home growing up?

Anon: The past year has been an emo. roller coaster with my man and kids seriously wondering what the heck happened to their totally 'in control' mom!Would you share some of what has been happening? I'd love to know what you've been learning.

"frumpily dressing so as not to be a stumbling block to men other than my husband..."Please don't take offense to this, but I don't get the dressing frumpy thing. I mean, I understand that you don't want to be a stumbling block to other men, but isn't it also a bit of a stumbling block in your marriage if you look as though you don't care about yourself? If we dress a little nicer, we carry ourselves better. We stand a little taller, and feel more confident. I have a hard time believing we less holy for wearing clothes that are attractive rather than frumpy ones. Again, I mean no disrespect. It is something I've wondered about for a long time.

Anon: If would be great if other women could chime in here about how they have overcome this monolithic character challenge in that we are now having to relearn what a Godly women REALLY should be like and then, horror of horrors, figuring out how to convey these truths to our darling daughters.MODEL IT! One point the author makes is that if we want our daughters to accept their bodies, we have to accept our own. Our walk talks louder than our talk talks, definitely.

WAI: Dear Sister in Christ,never,ever,ever point out your physical flaws to the man you love. Repeat: never ever point out your physical flaws to the man you love. The reaon? Because he will not see them unless you point them out to him.Thanks for sharing that quote! Mr. BH agrees wholeheartedly and is glad that I finally get it!

hiswildcherry said...

Hey Bunnyhunch,
I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Thanks.
Taken a while to find the time to reply..sorry, really busy mom.
SELF ESTEEM.
My mother never thought of herself as beautiful even though we all did. Had a huge impact on me which I have purposed to change throughout my marriage. My sexual awakening made me focus on my looks in a totally unbalanced way but at least I began to be real with myself ! My husband is the most complimentary man and always tells me I am beautiful. I am blessed.
EMO ROLLER COASTER
I have been learning how to fall in love with myself. My family, and people in general, adore my personality as I am a welcoming sort yet I have been reintroducing myself to myself. My core personality went underground to fulfil my role as a dedicated God centered mom of many...sounds convoluted but true.
FRUMPY DRESSING
I have not taken offense at your input but you may need to forgive me when I say "you don't understand religiously, legalistic womanspeak".
Any female raised up in her Christianity by legalistic matriachs, will understand my
training to not dress in figure-revealing clothes for the sake of not being a piece of eye candy for another woman's man. Even this morning, I wore form-fitting dress jeans to church and saw a few mature female faces looking a bit warily at me! I pressed my thigh closely to my husband when a female with a tight boob-enhancing shirt and mini skirt plus HIGH stilettos was passing the offering plate. She was a total threat to me. I inwardly rejoiced that I am finally looking better physically since focusing on getting my sexy on for my man ;-)
MODELING A POSITIVE BODY IMAGE
There has to be a reconcilliation between one's damaged self image and then a willingness to embrace change.
Never easy and oftimes downright painful. I am toughest on myself.

I will keep this subject in mind as I am a midlife-make-over, in progress.
I believe I will be eons beyond my current stance, this time next year.