Sunday, April 12, 2009

A Reader's Favorite- Wondering what others do in their marriage bed

This is what I love about all my readers-- individualism and... curiosity. This reader posted to say:

"While not at the top of my list, and this may be kinda wierd, I like to look at people and guess what they do sexually based on the way they look/talk/interact with others/etc. Not that I am wishing or imagining I was having sex with them, just wondering "what they do" :) I look at some people and think "Never - nope, zero, zilch, nada"."

Weird? No, not in my world! I tend to do the same thing when I see people out and about while I am running around town. Perhaps it is a high-SD that causes one to do this as I know that sex is always on my mind. I 'break' to think about other things ;-). When I see folks I think---

*Do they enjoy sex?
*Do they really "get it" how wonderful a gift God has given us to enjoy?
*Is it a major part of their marriage, do they make it their top priority? Or is it kind of hum-drum, only thought of when there is nothing else on the 'to do' list?
*Are they the adventurous one in their marriage bed, is their spouse or are they equally adventurous?
*Do they enjoy kissing and caressing their spouse each day or do they lean towards being frigid?
*What type of sexual activities do they enjoy?
*Do they enjoy anything on the kinky side?
*Do they get a sexual 'rush' before, during and after a good romp in bed with their spouse?

I could go on and on with the questions that pop in my head. Sex is a favorite topic for me and it is on my mind all the time so it is only natural that I would think about it when I see folks. I am not sure if this is what this reader is talking about but it is how it plays out for me. Have others done this IRL?

19 comments:

inquisitivesensitive said...

Me and my husband both totally do this with not only our friends but random people we see and talk to as well! It's fun and sometimes gets us in the mood to try something ourselves!!!

Who am I said...

Yea, I have similar types of thoughts. Glad to know I am not the only Christian whose mind works this way.

Gemma said...

I even do it with people who I don't talk to... people who walk by me in businesses and such.

luvmygirls said...

I'll do this occasionally, but my wife and I also like to wonder about how people would respond if they knew what WE do it bed. It's funny to think of how people would probably freak out at some of our behavior, especially being that I'm clergy and my wife teaches early elementary.

bunnyhunch said...

My DH and I were talking about this just yesterday. While we may think we have a clue as to who is & who isn't (and new for us: who uses toys, etc. & who doesn't!), I wonder how many times we'd be wrong. Can we tell much by outward appearance? Probably the way a couple relates to each other would say more.

Putting the shoe on the other foot, though: I wonder if other people-watchers would be able to guess how good OUR sex life is. If it is awesome, isn't it hard to hide?

Gemma said...

I can tell a lot when I see one person alone but then I've been doing this sort of sexual observation with others for a very long time, for about 30 years. Everything shows in their face.

Mark 9:24 said...

luvmygirls said...
It's funny to think of how people would probably freak out at some of our behavior, especially being that I'm clergy and my wife teaches early elementary.


My wife and I are heavy in childrens ministries at our church and I have wondered the same thing.

Mark

bunnyhunch said...

LMG & Mark-

We wonder if people would freak out at our behavior, yet don't you suppose other people are thinking the same thing? Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just acknowledge it, and it wouldn't be such a big deal? Maybe there would be fewer unhappy marriages in the world if we could all just be realistic. Sex IS a major part of marriage, and it's a very good thing! And if it's not, it should be.

midwestman said...

I agree Bunnyhunch! Wouldn't it be nice if sex weren't such a "taboo" topic - I believe relationships would be much better off if it was as easy to discuss as the weather...

mwm

Gemma said...

If we all do our best to try and break through that 'taboo' around others I think it can become easier to discuss and it would make for more natural, erotic and passionate sex lives for couples.

While I'm here I have to mention this---

GR and I have been in many groups of people from different countries and from different Christian backgrounds. We've been Roman Catholic, Protestant and Christian Orthodox and we love those we know in all three Faiths. But it seems to us that the American Protestants shoot themselves in the foot way too often over sexual issues in their marriage. Why? I'm not sure.

In our Christian Faith we have a large population of Arabics, Italians, Greek, etc. and with all these groups, marital sex is sacred, sex outside of marriage is taboo as it should be. But within these same groups marital sex is not embarrassing. It is not hushed. It is not inhibited with useless restrictions. We are not told to dress as if we were nonsexual beings although modest dress is encouraged for church. It is certainly not ignored. Marriage issues are dealt with in a direct way with professional counseling stronly suggested when needed.

In other words, it is a whole different and I think healthy way of viewing sex within marriage. Why have all the counterproductive restrictions? Are we afraid that if we let loose, we'll become loose? Are we afraid that if we enjoy sex too much we will be sinning somehow? Well, if we're loose with our spouse, what's the problem?

I just wanted to throw that out there for pondering. So many taboos we see are self-inflicted and do more harm than good for marriages.

My $.02 worth but I won't charge.

dodger348 said...

We too are Orthodox and have found that you what you think about other people's sex life from your preconceived notions is many times absolutely wrong. My DW has a 64 year old friend ( DW's ladies group mentor) that recently confided in DW that she ( the mentor) and her 71 y.o. DH still love light bondage and spanking. They have been married 45 years. A 20 something in the group advised she and her DH had never given or received OS in any fashion whatsoever, and had experienced IC in only 2 positions after 4 years of marriage. It goes to prove, appearance, age, race and physical condition mean...well, nothing when it comes to married love!

Gemma said...

Oh I know we can't always tell for sure about other peoples sexual preferences and behavioral patterns. I just have fun trying.

Mark 9:24 said...

bunnyhunch said:
LMG & Mark-

We wonder if people would freak out at our behavior, yet don't you suppose other people are thinking the same thing? Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just acknowledge it, and it wouldn't be such a big deal? Maybe there would be fewer unhappy marriages in the world if we could all just be realistic. Sex IS a major part of marriage, and it's a very good thing! And if it's not, it should be.

Do you mean people knowing, for example, what DW and I do in the marriage bed? Or just being more open about discussing sex?

Mark

bunnyhunch said...

Well I don't know whether everyone could even handle knowing everything you do in your marriage bed, Mark. Might be a bit much! ;)

I mean if we're all looking around thinking that someone else would might roll their eyes if only they knew... maybe we should just look at them and say, "Yeah! We did that!" After all, we all do (well, most of us). Quit trying to cover up all of the evidence. Then we could probably talk about it more openly.

I think having a bit of mystery surrounding sex is a good thing, but maybe we just keep too much mystery. Unless one is Christian Orthodox, in which case you've got it made. Have to check that out. :)

Gemma said...

bunnyhunch said: "I mean if we're all looking around thinking that someone else would might roll their eyes if only they knew..."

BH, do you really think that... that others might roll their eyes if they knew? I've never looked at sex that way.

Gemma said...

I didn't mean that in an insulting way, BH, I just assume from the way they act that, most of my IRL friends enjoy sex so why would they roll their eyes? Or maybe you're talking about people in general, not just friends?

bunnyhunch said...

Gemma -

People in general.

In conversation, I find that when sex is merely alluded to, it brings a smile on one's face and a sparkle in one's eye. If it is addressed directly, people are very uncomfortable. If it relates to personal experience besides, well, THAT is taboo. So, for LMG and Mark, who are in ministry, to address sex directly (somewhat indirectly) - such as teaching about healthy sex to youth/young adults, for instance - would be perceived as a good thing. People might be uncomfortable, but know it is important. However, if any of them were to give examples from their own personal experiences, eyebrows would probably be raised pretty high. Especially if they talked about the handcuffs and chains. ;)

Even with friends, I have to be careful. Some of the younger posters on TMB seem to have it easier; they can discuss specifics with close friends and learn from each other. Are you able to discuss sexual issues with your close friends?

Gemma said...

I guess I wasn't even thinking about teaching on sex, rather, just casually bringing it up in every day conversation with individuals we know. With friends, we pretty much know how far we can go with this sort of conversation and of course it can vary greatly with each person.

You have to understand that there can be huge cultural differences with comfort in discussing topics of a sexual nature. Many of our friends are Arabic, Greek, Italian and French. Sexual discussions do not scare them.

If you're living within a cultural group which is ultra-conservative in discussing sexual topics or if they generally think of sex as a dirty or embarrassing topic... well... it's probably going to be a "no-go".

bunnyhunch said...

Everyday conversation started out being the topic - guess my mind is wandering way too much! Sorry. The same idea applies, though, as far as how much information can be shared. PWM & TMB and similar sites are important in that regard, in that we can share information with each other openly.

Yes, there are big cultural differences. Just within the U.S., I imagine there are huge differences depending on where one lives. I was raised in a small, conservative town. There might be more openness in a more metropolitan area.