Sunday, March 1, 2009



Who am I said...

This is great. Wish you had the email forward feature turned on, then I could forward to my wife.

Great reminder for the men also.

Gemma said...

Forgive me. I am somewhat technologically challenged and have not yet figured out how to turn on an email feature. Believe me, it's quite a feat that I've even been able to start this blog and keep it up and running.

Meanwhile, any reason why you couldn't copy/paste to send it to your wife?

Who am I said...

In blogger go to settings, basic, and then say yes to "Email, post links". It is right above where you say yes or not to adult content.

I already copy and pasted, but e mail forwards are so much quicker.

Always amazing how many features are in blogger, facebook, etc. etc, once you find and understand them.

Gemma said...

Done. Thank you, wai.

Mr. Self Respect said...

"The Proper Care & Feeding of a Marriage is to GIVE, GIVE, and GIVE some more--- of your best self."

Solid advice, but it doesn't always work.

I have given all I can for my marriage. I have sacrificed my career, my mental health, my physical health, my sex life, my friends and hobbies - really, everything I can.

Sometimes we can give everything up, and it is still not enough.

I find Dr. Laura's advice helpful, when it employed by caring, moral-upstanding people.

With other folks, more of a "tough love" approach may be necessary.

Odo said...

Good words! I agree and I'm sure DW does also, passion should not be something that wanes over time. We get TOO BUSY and stressed and that takes its toll. I does begin um...between our ears, not our legs. Though those "parts" are of course important. Sexual intimacy is icing on the cake of marriage, not the main course. Or at least that's what we've heard over the years. I think it's absolutely true. A marriage is made up of many things WITHIN two people, is it not? Somehow, great passion and sex shouldn't decrease with time. Somehow, there's a way...

Anonymous said...

Do the sparks still fly? Absolutely YES!

I have been nuts about the man I married since we began dating 25 years ago. With our children grown and gone (nearly at least - the youngest is in college), we are having a particularly wonderful time together. Since I was a single mom of a 5-year-old before we married, we have never been truly on our own, so this is a real treat.

Many married couples tend to pour so much time and energy into their children, they forget what drew them to each other to begin with. My DH and I have been constantly mindful over the years to not let that happen. We have believed, thanks to fine examples set by our parents, that a strong marriage - happy and satisfying in all ways - is the best foundation we can give our children. Even though things were often tough financially and emotionally (child-rearing sure can be exhausting at times), we made our marriage a priority. It is paying off!

One of our favorite things to do - even with an empty nest and a better cash flow - is 'vacation' at home. We can enjoy each other's company in a comfortable setting, enjoy nature together, cook passion-inducing meals together, and give in to simple and sensual pleasures any time we want.

We are having a great deal of fun reminiscing about our dating days, about things that have been particularly good or great in our marriage (often this topic ends up focusing on our favorite sexual escapades), and then we talk about what is to come. We're still dreaming together, and it's great.

In the last couple of months we've begun focusing a great deal on wanting to meet (surpass, really) each other's physical desires. We talk together about our sex life a lot, and as our activity level has goes up, so does intimacy on all levels.

I am grateful to Gemma and this website as well as for an opportunity to both converse with and learn from others who are in the same boat: We all want to work on improving our intimate relationships within the context of marriage. This is great!

Gemma said...

I think that Dr. Laura's talking about 2 spouses who love each other. Obviously, if a person doesn't love his spouse, then no amount of anything will work. There has to be a certain about of caring and decency in both spouses for change to happen.

Gemma said...

Anon, I'm a little jealous of you ;-). We're still raising 2 college kids but they both live home with us. GR and I enjoy our kids being here but at the same time, we look forward to one day having the house to ourselves.

midwestman said...

We only find those sparks when we have a getaway weekend once or twice a year. Being alone for a weekend takes us back to those "before kids" days and adds in some of the before marriage feelings as well - kindof like we're only here together for a short time so lets make the most of it. Some days I yearn for the feelings I had when we first started dating - just the pure adrenalin rush of puppy love - the can't wait to see her again feelings. I realize that can only last for a time, but they were great feelings weren't they!


Gemma said...


I wonder if the sexual sparks would surface more if we'd allow the child in us to come out and play more often? We can get so caught up in being the adult, the parent, the employee, etc, etc. And those are all necessary parts of our lives, to be sure, but we forget that there is a child in each of us who needs to come out once in a while, perhaps more than 1-2 times a year. It's our childish nature which loves to play and which brings on those sparks.

midwestman said...

Totally agree Gemma. DW is always so seriously focused on life and the to-do list that she doesn't take time to stop and smell the roses much. That's one of my pet peves in our marriage is that things just don't happen spontaneously - I almost always have to give her a chance to think about something before we actually do it. Which is why quickie sex has never worked well for us - mentally she just doesn't switch gears that fast, and when she is doing something and I suggest slipping upstairs for a few minutes, my almost universal respons is "OK, just hold on for a few minutes while I finish...(fill in the blank)". Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr


Gemma said...


Looks like your job is to find the child in your wife and draw it out of her :-). I used to be more serious-minded and no matter what GR suggested, I had something else *more important* to do. Well, it took me years to figure this out but we had lost our sparks.

Since my awakening in 2006 I've made a conscience effort to make our play time a priority and you know what? Life has been more adventurous now that we're playing more. I didn't believe and trust GR then but he was right all along.

And playtime doesn't always have to be about sex, although that's a biggie. It can be about anything that floats your boat. GR's been hinting around for us to learn how to play golf together. He's played a number of times with co-workers and customers from work but he's been winging it. I've never played golf unless you count mini-golf, which I don't.

Our city's recreation department is offering golf lessons beginning in April so I signed us up. We are both really looking forward to it.

It's time we give the child in us permission to come out and play, don't you think?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this. I feel like we've lost a lot of precious time in our marriage....our growth and intimacy was stunted by bad habits; and now after 18 yrs of marriage, we are feeling kind of lost.

What you said gives me hope and encouragement to keep working at it, and maybe someday the sparks will come back, without having to work at it so hard. Your list of 10 points is excellent....things I have been learning the hard way. I believe every married person needs to take them to heart.

Gemma said...

I understand your regrets, anon, however, looking back in remorse only wastes more precious time. (Ask me how I know.) Save that energy and use it to ramp up the sex in your marriage bed today, tomorrow and throughout the rest of your marriage. No regrets! Only hope for the present and the future.

Two years into my awakening and we still have to work at it to keep our sparks flying. The easiest thing is to just count on having to work hard at it from here on. If things get easier, count it as an unexpected blessing.

Gemma said...

Anon said:
"Many married couples tend to pour so much time and energy into their children, they forget what drew them to each other to begin with. My DH and I have been constantly mindful over the years to not let that happen. We have believed, thanks to fine examples set by our parents, that a strong marriage - happy and satisfying in all ways - is the best foundation we can give our children."

You guys had wise parents, Anon. I learned that the hard way.