Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Spouses talking about sex away from the bedroom

GR and I regularly enjoy discussing sexual topics when we have privacy and we are away from the bedroom. We find that it really adds a level of eroticism and anticipation of future love making sessions. This is above and beyond having sex talks during sex.

Do you and spouse take opportunities for these conversations when you are away from the bedroom? If you do, does it help keep the fires stoked? If this is not something you have done, do you think it could kick the eroticism up a notch or two in your relationship?


inquisitivesensitive said...

yup, we sure do!!!!!

Anonymous said...

yes we do. i tend to ask him if or how well he liked certain things said and done in the past because he isn't into discussing that immediately after the acts. it's great to hear him say 12 hrs later, "oh yeah. that was great." it's nice to hear the emotion in his voice hours or days later. makes me realize our encounters affect him. :)

everClimb said...

Well, we used to and I always thought it was great. Somewhere along the line it was lost and I long to have it back. Sadly, my wife doesn't seem to recall how it was done or what purpose it served. She just feels pressure to "talk."
Isn't that usually a guy problem?

Gemma said...

everClimb, that would be a good topic for discussion with your wife, pressure-free talking. Communicate, communicate, communicate... the name of the game.

midwestman said...

Very rarely. DW seems to view have a sex related conversation (and I mean more than just a comment - as in have a sustained dialog about sex) about on par with talking in church - she just doesn't do it. I don't know if she is embarrassed or just very uncomfortable about it or simply doesn't see the need. But then again, her personality is not one of a talker - she is not the type to call a friend and blab for an hour on the phone, so that may be a big part of the reason for it too. I dunno, wish we could talk more about it.


job29man said...

Just last night DW Sarah asked me what I'd like to do for the evening. I said I'd like to talk about sex.

We went to town, got some take out Italian food and sat in the truck in the parking lot and talked about sex for two hours.

Then we drove the half hour home and finished the talk about sex. It was GREAT!

So erotic to talk about sex away from home. Timing, frequency, technique, turn ons, fantasies!

And then when we returned home... Hmmmm... that was great too!

Gemma said...

mwm, that's a hard thing to wrap my brain around, someone not ever wanting to talk about sex. I mean, sexual well-being is part of our life. We sleep, eat, exercise, have sex... we should be talking about all of it. What does your dw do when you bring up a sexual topic? Does she usually try to quickly change the subject or does she stay on topic just long enough to respond to your comments?

Job, I can't think of too many things I enjoy doing together more than Italian food and sex talks... oh yeah-- doing each other is better ;-).

landschooner said...

My wife won't talk about sex. Sex talk to her is pressure talk. It always becomes an argument, or it is a conversation in the aftermath of an argument about sex. Its NEVER fun EVER. I'm getting steamed just typing this because my automatic reaction is to prep for an argument when I think about talking about sex. What you describe seems so foreign to me. I LONG for us to be as "easy" or "casual" about sex discussions as you are. You know, I've been nothing but a gentle lover to my wife, though we HAVE fought about frequency and variety. Lately ( though not this month) she has met me half way in the frequency dept. Not at all in the variety dept. But all of our "discussions" have been arguments. She just won't hear it without a fight. So, the end result is, I HATE talking about sex. I would love it, but I HATE it.

midwestman said...

Well, if I mention something sexual, like, "You sure felt good last night when we (fill in the blank)", she will just give me a little smile and maybe will say something like "it was good". But I can't imagine sitting on the couch in the evening and starting a conversation like"you know, next time we ML, what if you put your butt here, and I inserted my penis from this angle, then I could reach your clit better..." etc. Maybe I should just try it sometime! But from past experience, she would most likely just answer with a bare minimum of information or try to defer the conversation to something else. In years past, and still occasionally, she would flat tell me something on the order of "all you ever think about is sex" or the famous "husband, husband, husband" while shaking her head and walking away.


Gemma said...

When I was refusing, sex talks were also pressured talks for me so I totally get that mindset.

Before I began enjoying sex talks two years ago, I had to get to a place where I loved sex again, the way I did before we married.

You see, I loved sex as a single and knew that I had a high SD back then. When we married I emotionally shut down to sex as we began attending Protestant churches 3 months into the marriage. Between the guilt from my past and the "good girls don't love sex" mentality found in many churches, I very neatly took all my sexual desires and locked them away in a far corner of my mind and pretended they weren't there any more. I pretended for over 25 years... pathetic, I know.

I imagine that many Christian wives suffer from that same "good girl" way of thinking. Now we're in a church where marital sex is viewed in a positive way so I'm always telling folks to be careful where they attend church. You'd be surprised (or maybe not) at the herd mentality in churches with womens' views on sex. If the female leaders in the church don't like sex, it's like a contagious disease and spreads to all the women. That was the type of churches we were in for many years so I thought all Christian women were supposed to think that way.

I can't say it enough-- Take care where you attend church.

walkhis way said...

I can relate to the folks guys whose DW think sex talk is pressure.

Jayne said...

I feel sad for those of you whose spouses are unwilling to engage in discussions about sex.

It used to be awkward for me to talk about specific acts with my DH, however, in an attempt to be more surrendered to him, I have started doing it, awkward or not. I find the more we talk, the easier it gets; in fact, it has become quite a turn-on for both of us.

Lovingly analyzing how things were for each of us the night before - what we liked, found awkward, or could do better - has really stepped up our lovemaking, both in quality AND quantity. Even if I have to use a code word of sorts to describe something, it all helps. Perhaps some of your wives are feeling awkward about it as I used to (still do sometimes).

Have you tried saying just a few loving sentences about your lovemaking without expecting a long conversation? Maybe in time this would help.

We have found that openness in discussing sex (particularly our own lovemaking) enhances not only the physical aspect of our marriage, but raises our level of intimacy overall.

Gemma said...

I agree, Jayne. Being comfortable and willing to talk about sex with your spouse is essential for a healthy marriage. Well, sex is so foundational in marriage. Being able to talk about it can take the relationship to a whole 'nuther level.