Friday, October 31, 2008

On keeping the "withholding of sex" a dark secret vs. bringing it to light

I posted this on a marriage forum and decided to copy it here for discussion.

After what I put my dh through for so many years I think I can safely say that when a spouse withholds sex, it usually means that something is terribly, terribly wrong in their emotions. Either they are emotionally crippled from things in their past or they are just emotionally selfish in the marriage. (I was both.) Either way you look at it--- If they can't snap out of it when it's brought to their attention, then counseling is needed to turn their thinking around and it's up to the other spouse to push for it.

As for the sexually neglected spouses---
No sane person should have to live that way for years on end. If a spouse has a leg injury, diabetes, cancer, you name it... we'd be quick to force them to see a professional and we'd probably drag them to the doctor if needed. Why is it that whenever a spouse withholds sex, the neglected spouse begs, gets angry, looks elsewhere for sexual fulfillment or they simply throw their hands up and say "I give up" and resign themselves to live a life in a low-sex or a no-sex marriage?

After my awakening I told my dh, "Don't you ever let me get away with that again. God forbid, if I ever revert back to my habit/sin of withholding sex, you drag my ass if you have to but get me to a professional... and quickly." And I told him, "I don't care how angry I get or if I threaten you or whatever. Just do the right thing and get me help."

We shouldn't allow our spouses to sit home sick with physical or emotional illnesses and not see a professional just because they don't want to. There is nothing loving or healthy about that. So many sexually neglected spouses say, "... but I love my spouse. I don't want to force the issue because they'll be angry and things will get worse." How do you get worse than worse? If you love them, get them the help they need and quit leaving it up to them. They are in no emotional shape to decide if they need help.

Yes, if we stop being co-dependent with spouses who withhold sex, things could get uglier before they get better but what have you got to lose? If a sexually neglectful spouse would rather walk away from the marriage than receive help.... I would have to question the degree of their basic love for their spouse. If they really don't love, what's the point of keeping them from leaving? If they do love, then they should either act like it in the marriage bed or submit to getting help. Yes, pray for them. Of course, pray. But put feet to those prayers and be proactive in helping them to get well. Quit helping them to keep their sin of withholding sex, a dark secret. Sin won't leave unless it sees the Light.

Please post your opinions and state your reasons. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Expressing a grateful heart

After having sex, do you and/or your spouse have a grateful heart and do you verbally express your gratefulness to each other for all that is done with you and to you in the marriage bed?

Last night, GR and I had a particularly long and hot time of sex, ending with my two O's and his three. Then we both fell into a deep sleep that lasted through the night. As we were waking this morning I whispered into his ear, "You were so hot last night!" He replied with, "I though you said my hands were cold?" When he first crawled into bed last night, he had just come back from picking up dd#1 from school and he did, indeed, have icy, cold hands. I told him so then but that is not what I was referring to in this comment. "No silly, I meant the sex was hot... what you did to me and with me was hot." "Oh, you were hot, too." He finally got it, lol.

Sometimes after sex, I like to simply say, "Thank you for ----- (whatever)," to show my appreciation. Do you and/or your spouse verbally express thanks to each other after sex? How does it make you feel? Does it increase gratitude?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Does your sex life largely depend on out of town "getaways" or does it thrive on daily "getaways" in your home?

Do you regularly take 'getaways' at home with your spouse even when you cannot go out of town? Or do you depend on out of town experiences to keep your marriage alive?

For GR and me in this season of life, running out of town for several days or a week at a time is not an option so we do not worry about it. We have a daughter who has several medical conditions which make it extremely hard to leave her with anyone. To date, we have only been fortunate to stay one night (last year) at a hotel in our town while leaving her in her sister's care.

We cannot break away from our kids for out of town trips so we keep our bedroom as a sacred place, of sorts. The kids do not knock on the bedroom door unless it is an emergency. And we do not answer the doorbell when we are occupied. We do not take phone calls unless GR is 'on call' for work and needs to take them. We do not do anything work-related in our bedroom because that is our daily 'getaway location'.

Because of our unique situation we have learned to make wonderful, daily memories at home, in our bedroom, and on dates. We have to because if we did not, our marriage relationship would be in a sad state. Regular date nights are a must for us to enjoy little bits of time alone away from the house and kids.

For those of you who can easily leave town without your kids, more power to you. For some of us who cannot, we prioritize our schedule to assure regular 'getaway' time at home and we do not allow anything or anyone to invade that space. We strive to live in our 'sex mode' 24/7 at home rather than stepping in and out of it like some couples do. This is as natural for us as breathing, eating and sleeping.

One day down the road, God may allow GR and me to take trips out of town for a week or more. For now, however, we want to daily be content and be good stewards with what He has already given us in our marriage relationship. It really IS all about regularly carving out quality "getaway" time no matter where we spend it.

Friday, October 24, 2008

What do you think of this quote?

"A husband wants a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom."

Do you agree or disagree with it and why? Is it unrealistic for a Christian wife to want to be this way for her husband? Should Christian husbands want to view their wives this way? Are wrong teachings from church or from growing up years preventing Christian wives from letting lose in the bedroom? Do wrong teachings sometimes cause Christian husbands to discourage their wives from letting lose in the bedroom... almost like a Madonna-whore complex?

Monday, October 20, 2008

New twist on "living in a vacuum"

Maybe he should have stayed home and played with toys, huh?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

It never ceases to amaze me...

In many sources I have read that sex, specifically PIV-IC, is a wonderful pain reliever. Well, having had scoliosis all my life I am well acquainted with back pain so I have had plenty opportunity to put that theory to the test. Each and every time GR and I do PIV the pain is gone by the time we are done. In addition to that, while I am waiting for surgery I regularly deal with stomach pain because of the (2) hernias. Last night was one such occasion.

I went to bed hurting badly... to the point where I was moaning and trying to hold back tears... so I asked GR to rub my stomach because I thought that the warmth from his hands might help. Neither of us figured we would be having sex under those conditions so I was thinking that maybe we would make love during the night or early in the morning instead. Well, he began rubbing my stomach and as he rubbed I got the idea of pushing past the pain to try and use PIV as pain relief so we gave it a try. GR was reluctant at first out of fear for making things worse but wouldn't you know it--- Once we began getting into it, the pain left. No kidding-- It was GONE!!!!

Do not underestimate the power of PIV-IC to relieve pain; it really does work. Oh, I am sure there are times when it will not help but heck, give it a try. What can you lose?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

What do we see in each other in the "secret place" behind closed doors?

For 25+ years of marriage, we lived a hellish life because of my "refusing" and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I was finally ready to repent and turn from my wicked sin (of refusal). Once I repented, God saw fit in His goodness and mercy, to restore and heal our marriage. Since Dec 2006, GR and I have both been living above and beyond our sexual expectations for our marriage.

As an ex-refuser and former "gatekeeper" to the sex in our marriage, this is a little something that I have been learning since my awakening:

God does not force His way into our marriage, nor does He restore it when one spouse (or both) continues living in sin towards the other spouse. God is holy and cannot live in an unholy vessel. My dh was praying hard; he wore his knees out, believe me. However, God still would not have restored us had I not finally repented by determining to turn my back on sin so I could be the wife that I was meant to be.

Today, I have a little better understanding of what it means to be a good Christian and more specifically, a good Christian wife. It is not enough to pray, read our bible, attend church services and bible studies, be deacons, lead worship and all those things that I used to believe helped me be a better Christian. In God's eyes those are all good things in and of themselves but they are really "works".

Although the bible tells us that 'faith without works is dead' as explained in James 2:14-19, God judges us more by our behavior and our heart condition when we are in the secret place, behind closed doors, yes, even the doors of our MB. If my dh cannot see Christ in me when we are in the bedroom, then he would have every right as a Christian husband to wonder if Christ is really in me at all.

So, in the secret place of our home and especially in our bedroom, what does our spouse see? What do we see in them? Do we draw each other towards Christ by the way we treat each other in the bedroom? Do we sacrificially demonstrate passionate love to each other as Christ would have us do? This has been a hard lesson for me. It took over 20 years for me to repent and then another 6 years to figure out how to get it all right. But once I repented God began healing me and restoring our marriage. My word for the hour--- REPENT! Repent for what we do in the secret place behind closed (bedroom) doors.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sex needs to be passionate but how about frequency? How much is enough?

Often, I see the question of sexual frequency on marriage forums. People will ask, "How often is enough?" I have offered my opinion so many times. Below, you will find my off the cuff thoughts on this. Do you agree or disagree and if you are able and have time, briefly explain "why".

There is no magic number. I would say that the sexual frequency is enough when the HD spouse, within reason, is not left sexually needy and feeling like their spouse is being less than generous in the marriage bed. It is not a science. If a spouse wants sex 5 times a day, that is not what I would consider to be "within reason". However, if a spouse wants sex twice a day or even once each day I would think that that would be enough for most people. Others are happy if their spouse generously and enthusiastically participates in physical intimacy 3-5 times a week.

The bottom line--- Nobody should be left high and dry, sexually needy, in a healthy marriage. And it goes without saying at least on my blog--- Sex needs to be passionate.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sex in marriage- Do you check the "optional" box?

I have compassion, really I do. And I usually see this written by refused husbands more than by refusing wives. On marriage forums I often see husbands write in for advice because their wives refuse sex to one degree or another. I get that. However, many times if anyone, male or female, suggests ways to overcome the problem, the husband begins back-peddling and defending his wife's refusing habit by making excuses for her. What gives? Is the refusing a problem in the marriage or is it not? This is where I lose patience. Help me out!

One of the main reasons/excuses that I have been increasingly seeing husbands give is that their wife is afflicted with "sexual aversion". What exactly is sexual aversion? Does anybody really know? Does it mean the wife doesn't like sex? If so then I guess my next question is- Why did they get married when they knew they did not like sex? It is challenging to even find reliable explanations to define sexual aversion. I'd like to learn more so if you know of a good link, please post it.

One online source describes it as such:

A. Sexual aversion, mistrust, or inhibition of sexual pleasure due to:

1. Past experiences of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

2. General personality problems with attachment, rejection, co-operation, or entitlement.

3. Depression or anxiety.

My understanding of this is that it is presented as a psychological issue, a serious psychological issue which would require serious sexual counseling. It is so sad, though, that many wives who claim to be plagued with SA won't get help and the husbands are afraid to back their wife in a corner and (gently) demand that she get help if she wants the marriage to survive. It is as if the familiar issues of the marriage are more comfortable than working on change.

What will it take to change that mentality in the wives and in their co-dependent husbands? I don't have solid answers, only a few ideas. However, every time I suggest one of my ideas it gets booed down as being too harsh. Well, being syrupy nice doesn't usually bring about change, does it? It seems that husbands who are that way with their wife... the wife interprets that to meaning that the refusing is no biggie. After all, husband doesn't seem all that alarmed so why get in a huff over it? See what I mean?

I recently read an article that kind of pertains to this so I thought I would post it. The article is entitled: "Death of a Marriage- The belief that Sex is Optional" and you can read it here. . The article is 5 pages long so be sure you read all 5 pages.

I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas and/or opinions on this topic.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Do you withdraw or do you enjoy a roll in the hay when you are stressed out?

There are those in both camps but which is better? Which is healthier for you and your marriage? Read what this columnist has to say about it.

Her article title didn't seem to match up with what she was saying. Maybe I missed something but to me, her title implied that she was asking if our sex life was stressing us out. Her article seemed to be saying something else.

At any rate, which do you do when faced with stress- withdraw or enjoy a roll in the hay?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Husbands (or wives speaking for husbands), would this have bothered you?

For the husbands or for wives to reply for their husbands---

Would this have bothered you? It did not seem to be a problem for us this morning but I felt almost guilty afterwards and wanted to know how others would have felt in the same situation. By no means is this a negative reflection on GR, just so you know.

This morning, GR and I woke up late...late for us. It was already 5:30 and he leaves for work at 6:30. He knew that we didn't have time for both of us to O... I take longer... so he would have been content to simply lie there beside me and wait until tonight for sex; that's the way he is. However, we did not have sex last night so I knew he was horny, although I was still half asleep. I began giving him a HJ and because he loves PIV-IC, I quickly moved us in that direction. He enjoyed it all and O'd and then began helping me O but I looked at the clock and knew that he barely had time to shower, eat and get on the road so I told him, "We don't really have any more time." He knew it too and reluctantly got out of bed and went to take a fast shower.

Weeelllllll, much as I didn't want him late for work, now I was fully awake and... horny. Even if I start out not being terribly aroused, during or after PIV I have to O. So while he showered I got a vibe out and took care of myself just for the sexual release. When he came back to the bedroom to quickly finish dressing I told him what happened. He didn't seem to mind but I know him and I know he might have been feeling guilty for getting his without giving me mine, kwim?

All you husbands out there, would this have been an issue for you? If so, what would you have preferred your wife to do in this situation? I know that this evening I will check again to see what he thought about it because I do not want him feeling badly for something that I started and he did not have time to finish. After all, it was not his fault.

Thanks for listening.