Friday, November 7, 2008

When the sexual playground seems to be closed for the night...

When the sexual playground seems to be closed for the night are there times when God gives us the ability to reopen it out of sheer desire to please our spouse, if for no other reason?

In my last comment from my article entitled: On keeping the "withholding of sex" a dark secret vs. bringing it to light.... I mentioned having a true story to share. You can go to that article's comment page if you care to read everything that was said. Basically, I referenced what I was talking about to 1 Cor. 7: 1-7 and gave my "take" on the meaning of the passage.

At the very end of my comment I said: "There are always those rare occasions, and they should be very rare, where sex must be postponed like during extreme sickness, etc...... I have a true story to share (later) which is an example of what I am talking about here. It is something that happened to GR and me last night while in bed."

Here is what happened---

Yesterday morning during an appointment, I experienced a really huge, disturbing encounter with someone. I would rather not go into the specifics of it but suffice to say, on a scale of 1-10, it was a 10. I rarely become so upset that it brings me to tears but I was in tears throughout the appointment as it had me emotionally disturbed, really disturbed, all day long. GR was out of town on business so I didn't get to tell him about it until he arrived home last night. Again, I was in tears while relating the incident to him. This was so out of character for me to be this emotionally distraught over words coming from another person. I am just not that sensitive at all.

When we went to bed my heart was still heavy. I am such a person where if something emotionally upsetting bothers me or if I am in physical pain, I always want sex because it quickly de-stresses me or relieves pain. But last night, for the first time in two years, I went to bed and could not bring myself to think about enjoying sex. GR was very understanding so we simply relaxed, nude, in each others' arms. After about a half hour he began gently touching me in some of my hot spots. At first I could not respond but the more he touched, the more my body gave in. It was like my mind was slowly telling me, "It's OK, relax, enjoy it!"

Well, before long GR had to leave to bring dd#1 to work for her 11pm-7am shift. By this time we were both getting hot and bothered but he went ahead and brought her to work. That little bit of touching had relaxed me so much that before he even arrived back home, I must have fallen asleep. Normally if one of us falls asleep, we wait a few hours and then wake the other person up for sex. This time GR must have been good and horny because he woke me as soon as he got back in bed. I was so groggy by then but I was able to wake up enough for us to enjoy a wonderful love making session. After that we both fell fast asleep and slept soundly throughout the night.

The reason I wanted to share this---

It would not have been a crime if we had forgone sex last night. I was way too upset to feel guilty about anything and GR knew it. He would never have pushed if I had told him, "I just cannot tonight!" But rather than cave in to my distraught feelings and shutting down to sex, I worked hard at keeping the door open for sexual play and it worked.... partly because GR was in sync with my emotions and partly because I was determined to keep myself open in case we could make it work.

When a spouse is not in a sexual mood for whatever reason-- tired, upset, pain, you name it-- it does not necessarily have to mean that the sexual playground must close for the night. If we keep ourselves open, keep our hearts right, and work together as a Christian husband/wife team, we never know what God can do for our marriage bed. What He did for us last night was huge to me... I guess it was also huge for GR.


Cocotte said...

This would be considered a "hot topic" at my house. I can be talked into sex at any time. I can't imagine a time (unless maybe I have the stomach flu) that I would say, "no way tonight."

However, my husband is the exact opposite. Not only is he not in the mood (you name it - tired, death in family, job stress, health issues), but he thinks it's disrespectful of me to try to change his mind.

Maybe it's a personality thing. It's something in my marriage that I have to accept, because there is no changing him.

Gemma said...

I understand, cocotte, but "never say never". That was a hard lesson for me to learn. In my long ago past I was famous for often saying "I'll never do this"... "I'll never do that". God allowed me to play that game for so long and then He got my attention in ways that caused me to have to eat my words.

Don't ever give up the hope that your dh may one day change in this area. I know you're thinking, "When pigs fly!" But seriously, to give up hope is to despair.

For some words I like to refer to the 1828 Noah Webster. The word "hope" is one of them:,hope

... and also the word "despair":,despair

Cocotte said...

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement, Gemma.

Gemma said...

You're welcome, cocoette. I wish I had a dollar for every time I spoke the words, "I will never-----". ;-)

Tulipsanticipation said...

My grandma recently died while my husband was gone on business.

I was still grieving when he came home. But just being able to cry and have someone hold you through it helps a lot. It makes me feel closer to him as well.

And feeling closer to him, well makes me want to feel even more close to him... you get the idea.

Gemma said...


I am sorry for your loss. But yes, sex is a good healer for sadness, grief, stress, etc.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gemma,
This is my first day reading your blog. I'm familiar with your 'work' on TMB. Anyway, I think we have a pretty good sex life but there are definitely nights when I know dh is not in the mood, and actually last night was one of those - even though he had talked a good game all day. Whatever, I decided not to be upset and told him - well tomorrow will be even better. I'm not sure what got him going but before I knew it he was all over me :)
I think my attitude had a lot to do with it. Not long ago I would have pouted and turned my back on him but just being playful and loving turned the evening around. Just wanted to share.

Gemma said...

Welcome to my blog world :-).

You are correct, right attitudes are big in the marriage bed. GR and I sometimes take turns coming to bed saying, "I'm not terribly horny tonight," but then we get to snuggling together in the nude and before we know it.... we're both horny and wanting sex so we enjoy a session before heading off to sleep.

Basically, we both go to bed expecting that we will, indeed, have sex... and then we do.

Again, welcome!

Anonymous said...

So do you basically have sex every night? You're in your 50's - right? And your dh has not ED issues or a need to 're-load' for a day or two?

Gemma said...

First of all, both my dh and I have high-SD's. And yes, we're in our 50's-- dh's over 55, I'm under 55.

On an average, my dh is out of town (alone) on business trips maybe 2-3 nights a month. When we're home, we have sex between 1-2 times during *most* 24 hour periods. We're not particular about what time of day or night we have sex. It's just whenever it's convenient for us although I will say-- my dh prefers middle of night and early morning. I do too but evening (bedtime sex) is slightly easier for me than for him and I suspect this may partially be because of his age.

The main times he needs to "reload" are when he has an occasionally long, extra stressful day at work. We do our best to work around that by assuring that we regularly receive adequate, daily rest/sleep. When he has those days he can come home, sleep 3-4 hours, have sex and then sleep a few more hours until morning.

Does that help clarify? Please feel free to ask questions either publicly as a blog comment or you can email me if you'd rather ask privately.