For 25+ years of marriage, we lived a hellish life because of my "refusing" and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I was finally ready to repent and turn from my wicked sin (of refusal). Once I repented, God saw fit in His goodness and mercy, to restore and heal our marriage. Since Dec 2006, GR and I have both been living above and beyond our sexual expectations for our marriage.
As an ex-refuser and former "gatekeeper" to the sex in our marriage, this is a little something that I have been learning since my awakening:
God does not force His way into our marriage, nor does He restore it when one spouse (or both) continues living in sin towards the other spouse. God is holy and cannot live in an unholy vessel. My dh was praying hard; he wore his knees out, believe me. However, God still would not have restored us had I not finally repented by determining to turn my back on sin so I could be the wife that I was meant to be.
Today, I have a little better understanding of what it means to be a good Christian and more specifically, a good Christian wife. It is not enough to pray, read our bible, attend church services and bible studies, be deacons, lead worship and all those things that I used to believe helped me be a better Christian. In God's eyes those are all good things in and of themselves but they are really "works".
Although the bible tells us that 'faith without works is dead' as explained in James 2:14-19, God judges us more by our behavior and our heart condition when we are in the secret place, behind closed doors, yes, even the doors of our MB. If my dh cannot see Christ in me when we are in the bedroom, then he would have every right as a Christian husband to wonder if Christ is really in me at all.
So, in the secret place of our home and especially in our bedroom, what does our spouse see? What do we see in them? Do we draw each other towards Christ by the way we treat each other in the bedroom? Do we sacrificially demonstrate passionate love to each other as Christ would have us do? This has been a hard lesson for me. It took over 20 years for me to repent and then another 6 years to figure out how to get it all right. But once I repented God began healing me and restoring our marriage. My word for the hour--- REPENT! Repent for what we do in the secret place behind closed (bedroom) doors.