Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sex needs to be passionate but how about frequency? How much is enough?

Often, I see the question of sexual frequency on marriage forums. People will ask, "How often is enough?" I have offered my opinion so many times. Below, you will find my off the cuff thoughts on this. Do you agree or disagree and if you are able and have time, briefly explain "why".

There is no magic number. I would say that the sexual frequency is enough when the HD spouse, within reason, is not left sexually needy and feeling like their spouse is being less than generous in the marriage bed. It is not a science. If a spouse wants sex 5 times a day, that is not what I would consider to be "within reason". However, if a spouse wants sex twice a day or even once each day I would think that that would be enough for most people. Others are happy if their spouse generously and enthusiastically participates in physical intimacy 3-5 times a week.

The bottom line--- Nobody should be left high and dry, sexually needy, in a healthy marriage. And it goes without saying at least on my blog--- Sex needs to be passionate.

14 comments:

midwestman said...

I think besides "enough", there needs to be a feeling of "whenever" present. What I mean is that each spouse needs to feel that whenever they want/need sex, their spouse is willing. I think if this is acheived in a marriage, the "enough" will be satisfied and the frequency of wanting sex would actually go down for the HD partner. I generally don't feel I have "enough" because the "whenever" is not there for me - I always have the question in my mind of "will she want to?" if I ask. Blah :(

Now to answer your specific question, I believe that the HD spouse should be accomodated unless, as you state, the frequency is not "within reason". I know the "within reason" number is going to be in dispute by some couples and I'm not sure how you work that out other than compromise. Again, it gets back to "its the only thing I must have my spouse for" comment that I've made on TMB.

mwm

Gemma said...

I hear you with the "whenever" comment. As any high-SD person knows-- We can't predict or plan when we will get horny and want sex. But married life is so much more pleasant when we know that it's no biggie. We get horny, we want sex, our spouse says "sure" and enthusiastically accommodates with SOMETHING so we can receive the physical release.

Maybe it would work best if during times that low-SD wasn't needing sex, they could have first pick of activities. Of course, that could be abused if the 'low' claimed to never be needy just so they could have their way. They'd have to be honest. Each couple would need to work out the details.

Until recent years I never understood the "it's the only thing I must have my spouse for" comment. Every couple needs to learn that before they get married.

Mark said...

MWM and Gemma,

I agree with both of you about the "whenever" comment.

I have experienced, as the HD spouse, the pain of feeling that I am not wanted, not needed, sexually by my spouse.

And it is true, it is the ONLY thing that ONLY my spouse can provide, morally, that I cannot get elsewhere.
I have tried to explain this in the past to my spouse and I think, finally, that she may be getting it.

Mark

Mr. Rkt said...

Here's my thoughts on frequency, which I copied from a post I made on TMB some time back:

Regarding frequency: Since nearly all marriages have some mismatch in drive, the approach should be this: There is some threshold of frequency for the HD spouse that, if it is not crossed, will leave him/her feeling neglected and unloved. It is the duty of the LD spouse, in love and service, to trust God on this and serve their spouse beyond that threshold. Likewise, there is some threshold of frequency for the LD spouse that, if it is crossed, makes him/her feel abused as a plaything, rather than a cherished loved one. It is the duty of the HD spouse, in love and service, to trust God on this and serve their spouse short of that threshold. On the surface, these sound like incompatible tasks. But the attitude of love and service behind both of them will actually flesh out the compromise that works best, and both spouses will feel loved and cherished, and the sexual union will be blessed. Occasionally the scale will tip toward the HD spouse, and occasionally toward the LD spouse. And, occasionally, a miracle will happen and the drive of one or both will change. But every marriage is unique, and the natural tension between the drives is not an open invitation to envy, selfishness, or any of the temptations to sin that erode the unity of marriage, by either the LD or HD spouse.

Gemma said...

Mr. Rkt,

I like the way you explain how both HD and LD have a duty to love and service their spouse in order for both to feel loved and cherished. It's what we all want in our marriage, right?

Gemma said...

You're right, Mark. Nobody should have to feel like they're not sexually needed or sexually wanted in their marriage bed.

midwestman said...

While I agree with you Mr. Rkt, it assums that both spouses have the same loving service attitude for the other which, unfortunately, occurs much less than it should.

mwm

Gemma said...

Yes, in Mr. Rkt's comment, both spouses have to be on the same page with a heart for duty to love and serve.

Mark said...

DW and I "finally" seem to be getting on the same page sexually.
I really want it to work this time and I think she does to.
It's been over 17 years, but we're not going to let the time that has passed pull us down. We're determined to make the best of what we have now and for the future.

Mark

Gemma said...

Good for you, Mark. I pray that things continue to improve.

Mark said...

Great news, my DW and I had sex 5 times last week, so things are getting better!

Mark 9:24

Gemma said...

WOOHOO... happy to hear your MB is improving, Mark.

mrpathetic said...

Gemma - can you please get on a plane, and fly to my hometown, and explain this to my wife? I live in Houston, Texas. I will pay for the airfare, first class.

I know there are differences in terms of frequency - how much is the proper frequency of sex within marriage. But I have endured 15 years without sex with my wife - or any other person, for that matter. The sexual frustration and tension is becomming unbearable. I don't know how much more I can take.

Gemma said...

Haha, I don't think my dh would appreciate me flying to Houston for that reason. Sorry :-(.

Have you ever read Dr. Laura Schlessinger's books? Her writing style is very direct... no beating around the bush.

I would highly recommend, in this order:

1. The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage
2. The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

I first read "... Feeding of Husbands" while I was still a refusing wife. This book pointed me in the right direction to begin taking responsibility for what I had done to our marriage.

In your case, I'd read *with your wife* "... Feeding of Marriage" first. Dr. Laura addresses both spouses so your wife won't be inclined to be offended. If she likes the book it may pave the way for her to read "Feeding of Husbands" afterwards.