Monday, September 8, 2008

Choice #1 or #2?

If a HD spouse wanted sex 5x a week and LD spouse would be content with 1x every 1-2 weeks, which of these choices below would you pick and why? Yes, I know that if the LD spouse would do what he's supposed to do in meeting needs of his HD spouse, it would be hot sex 5x a week.

Choice #1
They would decide to have hot, sizzling sex 3-4 times a week with both spouses being totally, emotionally engaged in the sessions. Both walk away with sexual and emotional love tanks being full, although LD spouse has to stretch himself a bit to keep this up.

Choice #2
They would decide to have sex 5 days a week with LD spouse less than enthused, thereby, causing the sex to be rather hum-drum. They walk away with LD being overwhelmed by the frequency and HD happy with frequency but not getting emotional needs met.

For myself and my dh, we are daily doers so I'm not saying 3-4 days a week is ideal for a dh who wants 5 days a week. But if given a choice between the two scenarios that I described, which would be best for you? I would prefer 3-4 days of hot sex and then MB on the "off days" if needed. I don't like anything done when the heart is not into it. There is no perfect answer. Each couple in this same situation will likely handle it in their own unique way that works for them or..... they continue to lock horns.

16 comments:

Mark said...

To get my emotional tank filled I would chose #1.

I have struggled with the problem of not having my emotional tank filled.

I have tried explaining to my wife over the years that I can end up feeling depressed, disappointed and to often angry when my wife doesn't make me "feel like a man", who is desired by his wife.

Mark

Gemma said...

Mark,

I'm ashamed to say this but in the earlier years of our marriage I didn't care that my dh did not feel like a man. I didn't care that I did not desire him and I didn't care that he knew it. Small wonder that he walked around depressed, disappointed and angry.

Is that the way it is with your dw? Does she not care about your emotional tank or does it bother her but she doesn't know how to change?

I wish I had had Dr. Laura Schlessinger around with me at the onset of my marriage. She totally changed my selfish ways of thinking. If your dw wants to change but is a prisoner in her own mind, consider getting Dr. Laura's book for her to read:

The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands

If she doesn't care about changing her ways, consider getting this book for both of you to read:

The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage
By Dr. Laura

This book will change the way both of you relate to each other. If your dw sees you studying and working on yourself, it may encourage her to do likewise.

Mark said...

Gemma,

Things are getting better, but in the past while my wife said she did care if I felt like a man her actions said otherwise.

Once, about a month ago I needed sex and I felt that I could not approach her. I had never felt so "limp" in my life. I felt like I was emasculated.

I honestly think that in the past that she didn't really care.

Last week, she told me after work that she was tired. Well, considering our past that told me to not even try. Later that night, at bed time, she told me that what she really meant was that yes she was tired, so if I wanted to do something with her that now was my chance because she would be to tired at bedtime. (How was I to know?)

She did acknowledge and said she understood why I backed off when she said she was to tired, considering our past. (Once when she said she wouldn't turn me down for sex she was tired for a few days in a row. I was really needing her, so I took her to our bedroom and we had sex. Not once did she come out and say no. However, she was really pissed at me for several days because I had done that.

Talk about confusing messages.
So now she is telling me that her being tired is no longer an automatic no to sex.

Concerning Dr. Laura's books.
She has read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands but she cannot remember what was in it and last night she told me she doesn't remember even reading it.

I asked her about the book because I got a copy of The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage a couple of days ago.
I have been perusing the book, and yes I read the section on sex since I am a guy :-), and I can see why you recommend it so much. What a book!

Mark

Gemma said...

Gees, Mark. Perhaps the two of you could read "Proper Care.... Marriage" aloud... together. It sounds like communication is not so good. This book could make a difference.

An aside--- Does your dw get enough rest and sleep? That can make a HUGE difference. And is her most alert time at night or in the mornings? Choose her best times to approach her for sex.

Mark said...

Gemma,

Reading together aloud. What a unique idea! :-)

My wife doesn't get enough sleep.

I keep after her about this, but I get tired of continually having to do so.

We're both late night people to.

Mark

Gemma said...

Not so unique but that way you both can read a section and stop to discuss it. During discussion time it would be revealing to find out why she thinks the way she does. Even if you only have 30 min a day--- read for 15 min and discuss for 15 min. It can only help to improve communication.

Late night people? Hmmmm....

You can't burn both ends of the candle. Either you both need to get to bed an hour earlier or sleep later in the morning. If you don't spend enough time in bed, how on earth will your dw be rested enough for sex?

Many times GR and I head off to bed and we talk a bit first before we engage in anything sexual. Let your late nights be spent in bed. Just a suggestion...

midwestman said...

My choice would definately be #1. BTDT with choice #2 - and making love to a wife that is just "laying there" and unenthused is no fun. I'd rather use my Fleshlight :O

Mark,

We read the books For Men Only and For Women Only. First we read them seperately, then read the other book then discussed each one together. We had our discussions a couple times a week - personally I think every day would be too much. However, whatever works best for the two of you. When we discussed these, it really opened our eyes to each others needs and things improved dramatically. My wife said to me that she never realized the sexual needs of a man and how it made them feel when turned down. She thought I was just oversexed and that I should get over it.

We still have our issues and are working on them but things improved dramatically after we spent time together learning and talking.

mwm

Mark said...

Gemma,

Sleeping in is out of the question since we have kids to get off to school and jobs to get to.

So after reading your message I told my wife that when it is bedtime that I'm just going to drag her off to bed so she can get enough sleep.

She said, "OK".

Mark

Gemma said...

Mark, sometimes one of us drags the other to the bedroom. We care for each other in this way. You do what you have to do.

Oh, and GR is presently reading Feldhahn's For Men Only. The Feldhahn books are great for gaining insight into the mind of the opposite sex.

Gemma said...

mwm, we ALL will be forever working on our "issues". If we ever got to a place where we stopped working on them, I would suspect that something is seriously wrong. There is no place of arrival for marriages.

Mark said...

Gemma,

DW actually got to bed at a decent time last night, after I threatened to drag her off. :)

I really enjoyed the Feldhan books to.

Mark

Gemma said...

Good for you, Mark. Early bedtimes have to be consistent for them to really give us enough rest, sleep and ..... well, you know SEX.

Mark said...

Gemma said:
Good for you, Mark. Early bedtimes have to be consistent for them to really give us enough rest, sleep and ..... well, you know SEX.


You mean like the nice BJ she gave me? :-)

Mark

Gemma said...

That and anything else ;-).

Mark said...

My wife was having her period so a BJ was the next best thing. ;-)

job29man said...

I think sometimes a man needs to take leadership and tell his wife "You need to come to bed now." Good job Mark