Saturday, August 30, 2008

Pertaining to your own sex life- How much detail do you share with your kids?

I was discussing with a friend about kids and how much detail is really appropriate to tell them in regard to Mom and Dad's sex life. He and I both read posts elsewhere written by people who say that they share details even about their OS and such with their older kids... not married adult kids... more like kids right out of high school.

After reading those posts I thought-- Wow, I understand about being open with our kids regarding sex but this just seems waaaay over the top with TMI and my kids would tell me so. They just don't want to hear the details and GR and I don't want to share them; it is personal. I would not share those personal details with an IRL adult friend my age or a neighbor. So why would I share them with my college kids?

How do you handle it in your home? Pertaining to you and spouse's sex life--- How much detail do you share with your kids? Do you treat it any differently than you would with an IRL friend? Do you treat it the same?


job29man said...

Without us getting specific with our 10 kids here is what they know about our sex life...

"Mom and Dad passionately love each other and I know they love sex with each other. I think they probably do it frequently."

"I have no idea what they do beyond intercourse. No idea at all!"

"Mom and Dad are faithful to each other, and Dad's eyes do not wander to other women, at all, never, ever!"

"Sex must be a beautiful wonderful thing because they speak highly of it in general terms!"

"Sometimes I see Mom and Dad pinching, patting or touching each other (not erotically) and then they disappear into the bedroom and turn on the music. I don't see them for a half hour or more. I'm sure they are having sex in there, in broad daylight! But it is not gross or icky to think about. I feel all secure and happy as a child to have my parents so incredibly passionate about each other after 30 years of marriage!"

Now as to what we will discuss with them...

I will never answer questions about our specific sex practices.

I WILL talk in generalities about specific sex acts at the right age and right time. For example a 12 year old can learn that sodomy or any homosexual behavior is abomination.

I will not discuss specific acts with anyone who is not very, very close to marriage. This would only eroticize them prematurely.

In the week before marriage, maybe the whole month before marriage I have no problem delving into the intricacies of clitoral stimulation, use of lubrication, oral sex, care and gentleness especially the first few times of intercourse, all about tearing the hymen, control of ejaculation, absolutely everything! Nothing is out of bounds in the "You are getting married soon" talk.

But I will not say "here's how your mother and I do this or that."

Gemma said...

Job, what you describe here is just about how GR and I handle the sex talks. Our kids know that sex in marriage is good. I am very open in explaining things from questions they have from time to time but we don't discuss how GR and I do this or that. They just don't need to know it.

Mr.Mizer said...

Well said Job. Sex within a christian marriage should be one of the ( not the most ) core components of a healthy loving marriage. We are talking more freely about the joys of sex within the confines of marriage to our older sons. Still in generalities as you and Gemma have noted but not hiding the fact that we have a passionate relationship that includes frequent sex. We do not share any details at all with them. For one thing we do not want to clean up what would undoubtedly come up from them after hearing particulars of what mom and dad do behind the bedroom door. Second, technical info. like that should be reserved for married or soon to be married.

Gemma said...

mr. mizer said:
"Second, technical info. like that should be reserved for married or soon to be married."

And that is a huge difference in what we all seem to agree upon and what I read on that marriage forum. My kids are older, dd#1 is 20 1/2yo but she is no where near being a soon to be married person; neither is my youngest. Therefore, they don't hear the detailed technical info because it would serve no purpose for them to know it at this time of their lives.

job29man said...

Agreed. Our children are not ignorant about sex. They understand the mechanics of it from living on our farm, where sex and procreation is really important.

But we will not have other people teach them about sex because the teachers will teach their values about sex, which will likely not be our values.

I remember being shocked when a public schooled boy, age 16 was talking about "clitoral massage" to a group of his peers, both boys and girls. I asked him what he was talking about. He said they were discussing their science class material. he was not joking.

What business does a 16 year old boy have with the knowledge of clitoral stimulation? Now when our kids get to marriage age and the wedding is looming our discussions sound more like a Dr. Ruth session. We get right down to it, to set up our sons and daughters for success in their marriage beds.

Mark said...

My kids are only 9 and 11 but this is excellent advice we will be able to use.


Semele said...

Job29man - out of interest, why is sodomy an abomination, but oral sex OK? How would you react if one of your children turned out to be homosexual?

I can't really think of a reason why any child would ever need to know exactly what their parents get up to in the bedroom, but certainly think they should know all the facts of life by their early teens.