Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Are LD spouses capable of making HD feel sexually desired most of the time?


GR and I, both HD's, were engaged in a lively conversation at 5am this morning. What conversation would be lively at 5am? Glad you asked! We were discussing possible reasons which would cause one to appear to be LD yet when in the midst of having sex, they enjoy themselves. And of course, we got off into related thoughts as well.

Please, feel free to voice any opinions you may have or to answer as many or as few questions as you like. I realize that not all LD or HD act and think alike. Your answers may reflect on your own marriage or from your general thoughts of LD vs. HD.

1. What do you think goes on in the mind of a LD from the time that they hear those *dreadful* words [how LD views it] from HD spouse saying, "Let's have sex," to the point where LD is enjoying a sexual encounter? And I realize not all LD's do end up enjoying the sex. Some are of the, "Are we done yet?" variety.

2. We all know that HD think about sex throughout the day where LD usually don't. Do HD force themselves to think about it or does it always come naturally like thinking about a favorite hobby? Do LD purposely avoid sexual thoughts when they pop into their heads throughout the day or do those thoughts never enter the radar? Is it possible that LD do get fleeting sexual thoughts but they are just so good at repressing them for lack of interest or whatever reason?

3. In general, do you think HD offer adequate foreplay to help LD reach arousal? Or do they offer too much where boredom sets in? Is it possible that LD just don't like sex very much? And if LD once loved sex, what happened to the high interest? The spark that was there when they were dating... where did it go?

4. If HD does offer enough foreplay, why do you think so many LD resists warm up period? Possible answers that come to my mind:
-don't care
-lack of interest
-unresolved emotional baggage
-too much trouble, not enough benefits
-messy factor
-bad priorities (ie- kids, job, other hobbies, relatives, friends, housekeeping)
-unhealthy emotional intimacy between spouses outside the bedroom
-too tired, not allowing enough sleep/rest

5. For someone to say "I'm LD"... could that be an excuse for not putting out effort to make HD spouse feel sexually desired? Is it even possible for a LD to regularly keep HD spouse feeling sexually desired? Can you think of ways that a real LD spouse could overcome this hurdle, resulting in their HD spouse knowing he/she is desired?

6. Many Christian spouses place huge emphasis on dh and dw praying together on a daily or weekly basis and yet these sexual struggles remain prominent in the marriage. (ie- I refused for 25+ while praying with my dh.) It's like they can't connect the prayer to the sexual struggles. If this was discussed between LD/HD spouses on a weekly basis, do you think it could make a difference in the marriage?

7.
OK, and as an add-on--- Do you think it would be too much to ask a LD to initiate sex maybe 2-4 times a month as a way of showing that he/she really does desire the HD spouse?

10 comments:

midwestman said...

In response to the numbers:

1) My mom was the type of person that liked to stay home. That was her little domain and she enjoyed it. Dad liked to go places and many times had to "convince" mom to go along. Now, once she got there, she had a good time, and after she got home she would always say "I really enjoyed that, I'm glad we went", but the next time, the same scenerio happened all over again. Frustrated the tar outta my dad! I think the same mental process takes place with LD spouses. Getting there is the battle, once there, as the saying goes, "and a good time was had by all"! Can't think of a time when we've ML that my wife got up and said "gosh I'm glad thats over". We always have a good time once engaged in the act, its just the getting there that she really works at sometimes.

2) For me (HD), I don't have to work at thinking about sex, I just do. Most of the time. It's a thought process always running in my mind that is as automatic as breathing. I don't know how to answer for LD people, my wife includedd. She has many times said "I just don't ever think about it." But I've noticed over our 26 years that this happens in other areas too - some things that I think are so logical to think about and she just totally forgets them and when I ask her response is the same "Oh, I just didn't even think about it." She has also told me on a number of occasions, "I wish I could be more like you and think about sex and want sex more", so I don't think with her that she purposely excludes thoughts about sex. She's a list person to the max - and I think what's running through her mind most of the time is "the List" and where she is on it. Unfortunately, sex is never on the list. Not that she doesn't want it, it just doesn't have the priority over anything else on the list.

3) I can't speak for anyone else but I certainly give my wife attention to insure that she is well satisfied. If she is a LD person and I failed to insure her satisfaction, she would be a ND person! In a general, I suspect HD people would fall into two categories. The first would be the type that want to go at it hard and fast since they're in high need of sex. Foreplay to them delays getting to the goal of orgasmic satisfaction. These are the marriages where the spouse feels used. The second group, realizing that their spouse is not like them, spends time pleasuring them to insure they get what they want and enjoy the experience.

4) You probably hit on many reasons for it. There were times in our past when any attempts at foreplay were rejected by my wife and I would finally say "Do you even want to have sex because you don't even want me to touch you". Many times I would just give up.

5) I think you're spot on in many cases. My wife has used that in the past. I would be completely happy if she said, in response to my request for sex, "How about I just pleasure you" and give me something as simple as a HJ to relieve the sexual tension. Or to initiate the encounter herself and do simply that. Either one of these would be fine with me if she doesn't feel like having sex at the time. Not that I want this to be the norm. While intensely pleasureable, I also want the intimacy and oneness of full two person sex.

6) I think anything that gets discussed regularly will spark thought processes - no different with this. However, I have a friend who, after falling into porn and then getting caught by his daughter, repenting, confessing, asking forgiveness (his wife says to him that she forgave him), has not had sex with her in over five years. He says they pray together, talk about other subjects, etc. but sex is not allowed by her.

7) No, I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask that the LD person initiate on something of a regular basis. No different than if the LD person loved a back rub and the spouse made it a priority to just give one regularly without being asked. Giving without asking makes the other person feel loved and desired!

There's my novel, you asked for it!

mwm

Gemma said...

Hmmmm... You know how some pastors are always saying "eat the word" or "feed on the word"? I wonder for those who regularly think about sex, if they read about it often where it's always in the forefront of their mind? Sex is like a favorite hobby for me so I find myself reading about it all the time... in marriage forums, blogs, novels, GR and I talk about it... you name it. I'm always reading about it and I'm always thinking about it. Just wondering aloud if there is a correlation between the reading and thinking? Or is it simply a thing where some folks regularly think about it even if they rarely read about it?

And you see, I'm a list person with chores because I'll forget a chore if it's not on the list. Right after my awakening I remember reading about TMB members or their spouses having to write "think sex" on their chore list. For a short season I worried that I, too, might forget without the written note. But almost two years later I've never put it on a list and I've never forgotten it. In my brain sex gets lumped in there along with eating, sleeping, breathing and all those other necessary things that I automatically do each day without thinking.

So your friend and his wife don't regularly talk about the elephant in the room. I can only guess-- She more than he insists on the praying together. Am I right? How sad is that where she says she forgave but she cannot talk about sex with him, let alone do it. Your friend's been doing 5 years worth of "penance" and still isn't cleared of his sin in his wife's eyes? That is a strange type of forgiveness.

Who am I said...

Dear Gemma,

Here are some thoughts.
1. What do you think goes on in the mind of a LD from the time that they hear those *dreadful* words [how LD views it] from HD spouse saying, "Let's have sex," to the point where LD is enjoying a sexual encounter? And I realize not all LD's do end up enjoying the sex. Some are of the, "Are we done yet?" variety.

--I really wish I knew. She told me years ago about herself that sometimes even though she didn't think she was interesed in sex a given night, she often enjoyed it once we got going. Glad to hear that others have had that experience. Now I am still learning how much to lovingly push the issue on any given night.--

2. We all know that HD think about sex throughout the day where LD usually don't. Do HD force themselves to think about it or does it always come naturally like thinking about a favorite hobby? Do LD purposely avoid sexual thoughts when they pop into their heads throughout the day or do those thoughts never enter the radar? Is it possible that LD do get fleeting sexual thoughts but they are just so good at repressing them for lack of interest or whatever reason?

-- She has told me she just doesn't think about sex on a regular basis during the day. Me being HD, it doesn't take much effort at all. I am just more learning to direct my thoughts in the right way. Helpful to know that there are other couples out there who are similar in their makeup to us.--

3. In general, do you think HD offer adequate foreplay to help LD reach arousal? Or do they offer too much where boredom sets in? Is it possible that LD just don't like sex very much? And if LD once loved sex, what happened to the high interest? The spark that was there when they were dating... where did it go?

-The majority of the time, I am more than willing to spend time in extended foreplay, in fact I think I enjoy it more than she does. She says she enjoys sex. That is the puzzling part to me- if she really enjoys it, why doesn't she desire it more? I enjoy ice cream and have to restrain myself from going back for more, unless I have just gorged myself on it. I keep trying to reignite that spark from dating- sometimes it is there more than others,---

4. If HD does offer enough foreplay, why do you think so many LD resists warm up period? Possible answers that come to my mind:
-don't care
-lack of interest xxProbablyxx
-unresolved emotional baggage xxMaybe xx
-too much trouble, not enough benefits
-messy factor
-bad priorities (ie- kids, job, other hobbies, relatives, friends, housekeeping) xxx Maybe xxx
-unhealthy emotional intimacy between spouses outside the bedroom xxx Very Likely xxx
-too tired, not allowing enough sleep/rest xxx Tiredness is definitely a factor, sometimes somewhat out of her control-ie. unexpected restless nights, phone calls from others during naps, etc., our biorythms out of sync with one another, etc.xxx

5. For someone to say "I'm LD"... could that be an excuse for not putting out effort to make HD spouse feel sexually desired? Is it even possible for a LD to regularly keep HD spouse feeling sexually desired? Can you think of ways that a real LD spouse could overcome this hurdle, resulting in their HD spouse knowing he/she is desired?

6. Many Christian spouses place huge emphasis on dh and dw praying together on a daily or weekly basis and yet these sexual struggles remain prominent in the marriage. (ie- I refused for 25+ while praying with my dh.) It's like they can't connect the prayer to the sexual struggles. If this was discussed between LD/HD spouses on a weekly basis, do you think it could make a difference in the marriage?

7. OK, and as an add-on--- Do you think it would be too much to ask a LD to initiate sex maybe 2-4 times a month as a way of showing that he/she really does desire the HD spouse? xxx They can be asked, but since they don't think about it much- seems very hard for them to remember because they don't feel those strong desires.xxx

Who am I said...

Dear Gemma,

Another thought came to mind and I would like your insight.

My wife struggles alot with feeling sexy because of her weight.

I try hard to compliment her, tell her I am sexually attracted to her, etc. but sometimes it just doesn't seem to get through.

If I remember correctly from reading your various posts here and on TMB I am thinking that you have mentioned being a larger woman.

What have you done in your own thinking to see yourself as sexy in spite of any contrary societal messages?

Also, what has GR done, especially in this area to support you?

Thanks

Gemma said...

wai,

I do carry some extra weight. Enjoying my sexuality each and every day, yes, that is important to me. But whether or not I "feel sexy" from day to day... it's just not on my radar. Being confident that I can easily turn on my dh is more important than me worrying about "feeling sexy". The former thought is "giving", looking externally. The latter thought is "taking", focusing on myself.

Off the top of my head---

I am a sexual being so I don't have to work up thoughts of "feeling sexy". It is a natural part of me. Do you, as a guy, have to think each day about whether or not you are sexy? Why do so many women put themselves through that? Honestly, I don't always understand that mentality.

:::Also, what has GR done, especially in this area to support you?

GR makes it clear that he loves me as I am. It's not "I love you in spite of your extra weight." His HD, always needing and wanting me is enough for me to enjoy my sexuality.

Does your dw feel that her extra weight subtracts from your sexual feelings towards her? Do you regularly shower her with physical and sexual affections? Does she know that you can't get enough of her.. that she rocks your world?

Those are some questions for you to reflect on that may help you understand why your dw feels the way she does.

Who am I said...

Thanks for your thoughts

Corax said...

I'm afraid I can't add too many answers to the questions, because of my level of experience.

I do wonder how your children could possibly be a "bad priority", though. Are children really at a lower level of importance than sex?

I'm also not sure how someone who isn't LD (which would, I assume, make them HD) would need to make such an excuse, if they aren't truly LD.

Gemma said...

Corax,

The relationship with our children is at a slighter lower priority level than is our marriage relationship with each other. GR and I will always be together until death. Our kids will one day move out and begin their own life that will be somewhat apart from ours. So, yes, in my book, the marriage relationship is #1... that is, next to our relationship with God.

:::Are children really at a lower level of importance than sex?

Why would you ask such a question? Do you not enjoy sex with your spouse as part of healthy marital intimacy? Does your spouse do without while your kids come first?

Please understand--- I'm not talking about neglecting children. But my kids know that the relationship between their Mom and Dad is tight but they also know and understand that they are truly loved and that their needs are also important.

Does that answer your question?

job29man said...

To say "I'm LD so I don't need to make the effort is an irresponsible escape. It's like when I see a kid saying "I'm ADD, so I can't do that job." Baloney, it just requires more discipline and some coping methods.

I think it is perfectly fine for someone with Low Desire to write down on their daily chore list "Think sex" or "Initiate Sex" or especially "show intimacy to my mate."

As to the question whether a LD spouse can convince a HD spouse of his/her desire for the HD spouse, hmmm.... I'm not sure that's realistic. It is very possible that the LD has a deep LOVE for HD spouse that is genuine and spontaneous, but LD spouse cannot convince HD of a level of desire that is not yet there. Still it's not a losing deal.

LD spouse can say in essence "I don't FEEL the desire you want me to have. But I definitely have the overwhelming LOVE for you that makes me want to please you. Therefore I will make the CONSCIOUS effort, the DELIBERATE AND UNSPONTANEOUS EFFORT to initiate sex or to initiate intimacy to please you. If you can accept that this is not "desire" but "love" that I am acting on then I think we can come to an agreement here.

I often wonder why a LD spouse feels that she (and let's face it, it's mostly she) cannot act sexually even when there is not a spontaneous desire there. How hard is it for her to go through the physical actions of seducing him? And it seems that most LD wives say that once the action gets rolling they get into it and enjoy it anyway.

There is no law that says a woman must "feel the passion" before she can either initiate intimacy or respond to it. Just start to go through the motions and trust that the feelings will follow!

Gemma said...

Job said:
"There is no law that says a woman must "feel the passion" before she can either initiate intimacy or respond to it. Just start to go through the motions and trust that the feelings will follow!"

Exactly! Not to mention, as Christians we are not to live on feelings anyway. So why do it in the marriage bed?