Saturday, August 30, 2008

Pertaining to your own sex life- How much detail do you share with your kids?

I was discussing with a friend about kids and how much detail is really appropriate to tell them in regard to Mom and Dad's sex life. He and I both read posts elsewhere written by people who say that they share details even about their OS and such with their older kids... not married adult kids... more like kids right out of high school.

After reading those posts I thought-- Wow, I understand about being open with our kids regarding sex but this just seems waaaay over the top with TMI and my kids would tell me so. They just don't want to hear the details and GR and I don't want to share them; it is personal. I would not share those personal details with an IRL adult friend my age or a neighbor. So why would I share them with my college kids?

How do you handle it in your home? Pertaining to you and spouse's sex life--- How much detail do you share with your kids? Do you treat it any differently than you would with an IRL friend? Do you treat it the same?

Friday, August 29, 2008

Does your soul wait silently?

[ WARNING: This article does not directly address marital sex but I thought it would be appropriate for today.]

Please forgive me folks. I wanted to write an article to post this morning but yesterday was physically challenging for me in regard to pain and discomfort. Right now, my brain is still waking up from a much needed long night of sleep/sex; it was refreshing.

Anyhow, I took the liberty of posting a link to another article instead. One of my favorite writers, Fr. Thomas Hopko, wrote a 4-vol series that is well known in Christian Orthodox circles. Often, my readers will email me and share about difficulties/sufferings going on in their lives and I do pray for each and every one. So I thought I would post this link to Fr. Hopko's short article entitled "Suffering". GR and I have this 4-vol series in our home but occasionally when I'm at the computer I'll read his articles straight from the OCA site.

Moving on....

I am an amateurish singer, guitar player and song writer. IRL I am kind of shy about this talent and don't easily share that with folks so I'm putting myself out on a limb here by telling you all this. There was a time in my Protestant Church days where I used to lead worship. Many years ago when I was going through a dark period of my life, I began writing songs. Here is a copy of two of the first short songs I wrote and often sang when I was at a place where I could see no light. These songs are really straight from scripture:

Ps. 143: 6&8
I spread out my hands to you;
My soul longs for you like a thirsty land.//

Cause me to hear your loving kindness
In the morning;
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way
In which I should walk;
For I lift up my soul to You.

Ps. 62: 5
My soul wait silently
For God alone;
For my expectation
Is from Him.

And I leave you with a short word from Isaiah:
Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. (Isaiah 40:1)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Ethnicity and orgasms

Occasionally, you read on marriage forums where someone will ask about the relationship between ethnicity and sex. Even I have asked about it a time or two. This article shows results of a survey where they believe that difficulties in achieving orgasms could be linked to ethnicity. Thoughts?

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Which is less complicated? Just doing each other vs. thought and planning

As I try to patiently wait for my surgery to be on the calendar, I'm noticing that my energy level is not what I'm accustomed to it being. Most mornings I still wake early but with the pain hitting me every few hours, I am in and out of bed throughout the day. Of course, this is wrecking some havoc on my nightly sleep but I am managing. It just means that GR and I are having slightly, more than usual middle-of-the-night sex ;-).

So, essentially I'm trying to work with my body's demands as much as possible. It is nothing short of amazing to me that GR and I have been able to keep up our desired sexual frequency in spite of this inconvenience that my body is putting me through. But then, keeping our sex life alive and well is a huge priority to me. GR has held back a few times for fear of pushing me beyond my physical capability but I continue reassuring him that I will speak out if pain becomes too much of an issue during sex. Otherwise, we carry on!

Sexual intimacy with my wonderful husband is as critical to me as being emotionally tied to him outside our bedroom. And we both feel this way. Like early this morning when we sort of woke each other up. We both reached for each other, we both initiated sex and we both enjoyed making love before climbing out the bed. It's become a natural part of our sleep habits. Often, I wonder if some couples make frequent sex, or just sex in general, more complicated than it needs to be. I mean, sure, occasionally you want to include various sex toys and whatnot in your sessions but I never want the "accessories" to contribute to a decrease in frequency and/or enjoyment.

Does the actual thought and initiation of sex sometimes hinder your desired frequency and enjoyment of just "doing each other"? ... as if it's too big of an event or too much trouble? Can you think of ways to KIS so that the thought and initiation process can become more natural, less complicated and perhaps less burdensome to a lower-SD spouse? Sure some sessions will always be more involved than others but if it is increased frequency that you're after, what can you do or what DO you do to encourage that to happen where both spouses enjoy passionate sex each and every time and as often as you want it? Do you feel that "simplifying" might be a key to increase passion and frequency in your marriage bed?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Just an ordinary day

Last night I hit the bed early... alone... in serious pain from too much required time on my feet during the day. Besides getting my kids to and from work, several hours of my day were taken up with a long appointment with my family doc. He and I talked for over an hour, discussing my surgery options. The driving back and forth to his office was another hour.

Sounds like the game plan for surgery will be slightly different than what was originally planned. My family doc will not be operating but he will be the one orchestrating the other 3 surgeons. Yes, we will have 3 surgeons involved in this. What do they say?- "Four heads are better than one!" Tentative surgery date is still on for late Sept or sometime in Oct while all the docs put together a plan. GR and I still have 2 more surgeons to meet.

Last night, GR was at a required business/pleasure minor league baseball game. I heard the scoop from him at 2am. He tried calling me when he left the ballgame to say he was on his way but I must have been zonked out as I didn't hear my cell ringing from my nightstand and I always hear it.

When he arrived home around 11 he attempted to wake me for sex but I was still zonked out. Then around 1am we somehow hooked up and both enjoyed a session. Afterwards he was asking me what the doc had to say. I'm relaying all the info to him and it suddenly dawns on me and I ask him, "Hey, why are we discussing my surgery plans at 2am?" It's bad when you have to discuss these things in the middle of the night. We talked a bit about the ballgame and then drifted off to sleep.

GR got up for work, told me to stay in bed and he left at 6:30am while I was sleeping, for a change. Most work mornings I am downstairs by 5:30; not today. I had nowhere to be so I enjoyed some extra, much needed sleep.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Passion in marriage or passion in porn???

Did I read this correctly??? This article pertains to the 101 days of sex that the Brown's did and that Douglas Brown wrote about in his book "Just Do It". Perhaps most of you already knew these little facts that I am sharing but it's news to me.

From the article it appears that Douglas Brown purposely went on Viagra to enhance his performance and endurance throughout the 101 days. Now, I have no problem with a couple needing long-term help from Viagra or similar meds for their marriage but it sounds like the dude only began taking the drug for the experiment. And then they both purposely watched a lot of porn to keep their interest going throughout the 101 days. Ask me if I'm going to buy his book... NOT!!!

Perhaps a more truthful title would have been:

Just Do It- How One Couple Turned to Viagra and Porn and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days

Are LD spouses capable of making HD feel sexually desired most of the time?

GR and I, both HD's, were engaged in a lively conversation at 5am this morning. What conversation would be lively at 5am? Glad you asked! We were discussing possible reasons which would cause one to appear to be LD yet when in the midst of having sex, they enjoy themselves. And of course, we got off into related thoughts as well.

Please, feel free to voice any opinions you may have or to answer as many or as few questions as you like. I realize that not all LD or HD act and think alike. Your answers may reflect on your own marriage or from your general thoughts of LD vs. HD.

1. What do you think goes on in the mind of a LD from the time that they hear those *dreadful* words [how LD views it] from HD spouse saying, "Let's have sex," to the point where LD is enjoying a sexual encounter? And I realize not all LD's do end up enjoying the sex. Some are of the, "Are we done yet?" variety.

2. We all know that HD think about sex throughout the day where LD usually don't. Do HD force themselves to think about it or does it always come naturally like thinking about a favorite hobby? Do LD purposely avoid sexual thoughts when they pop into their heads throughout the day or do those thoughts never enter the radar? Is it possible that LD do get fleeting sexual thoughts but they are just so good at repressing them for lack of interest or whatever reason?

3. In general, do you think HD offer adequate foreplay to help LD reach arousal? Or do they offer too much where boredom sets in? Is it possible that LD just don't like sex very much? And if LD once loved sex, what happened to the high interest? The spark that was there when they were dating... where did it go?

4. If HD does offer enough foreplay, why do you think so many LD resists warm up period? Possible answers that come to my mind:
-don't care
-lack of interest
-unresolved emotional baggage
-too much trouble, not enough benefits
-messy factor
-bad priorities (ie- kids, job, other hobbies, relatives, friends, housekeeping)
-unhealthy emotional intimacy between spouses outside the bedroom
-too tired, not allowing enough sleep/rest

5. For someone to say "I'm LD"... could that be an excuse for not putting out effort to make HD spouse feel sexually desired? Is it even possible for a LD to regularly keep HD spouse feeling sexually desired? Can you think of ways that a real LD spouse could overcome this hurdle, resulting in their HD spouse knowing he/she is desired?

6. Many Christian spouses place huge emphasis on dh and dw praying together on a daily or weekly basis and yet these sexual struggles remain prominent in the marriage. (ie- I refused for 25+ while praying with my dh.) It's like they can't connect the prayer to the sexual struggles. If this was discussed between LD/HD spouses on a weekly basis, do you think it could make a difference in the marriage?

OK, and as an add-on--- Do you think it would be too much to ask a LD to initiate sex maybe 2-4 times a month as a way of showing that he/she really does desire the HD spouse?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Life is good!

GR and I took some extra time yesterday and this morning to enjoy more intimacy. And for those of you who are already thinking, "What? They just talked?"... oh, you are so, so wrong ;-). To be honest, the news from the doc kind of did a job on my head. I mean, I knew I had been experiencing pain for several months but I had no idea that fixing it would involve major surgery. So.....

Yesterday our girls decided, with our encouragement, to go to the theater and eat out afterwards. GR and I had the house to ourselves. Can we say "Yiippee!!!!" Typically, the girls are on opposite schedules where one of them seems to be home at all times. [NOTE TO SELF: Work on syncronizing the girls' schedules.]

GR and I planned this ahead so first thing we did after the girls left was to pull out all our marriage books and spread them out. Recently, he's been wanting to read one so I gave him a brief idea of what was covered in each book. We separated the books into two piles-- those covering sex and those covering emotional intimacy with some sprinklings of sex talk in the mix. So he chose one that focused on emotional intimacy, our struggle area, and set it aside. Then we moved on to other things.

We enjoyed some brie, crackers, grapes and wine. Afterwards we retreated to our bedroom. The rest of our alone time was spent just enjoying each others' bodies. We made love and we talked and we ML and we talked some more. It was just what the doctor ordered. With the kids gone, I was able to be as loud as needed so that was so freeing.

Last night we had sex again when we went to bed. Then this morning we ML some more. Dang, it's not like we haven't been enjoying a high frequency of sex lately but we seem to be experiencing a higher than usual need for it these couple days. Maybe it's the added stress, I don't know. At any rate, we are better today than we were Friday and I am certainly better today. I am just so thankful that in the midst of all my pain, GR and I can still enjoy passionate sex to help keep me centered. I realize that after surgery some things will be temporarily put on hold but I trust God that we'll be able to handle that when we get to it.

Life is good. Do not waste precious time that you could be sharing in intimate moments with your spouse. Live today as if it is your last day. Shower your spouse with passion every. single. day.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Surgery news- and seeking upper-body exercises

Hi folks--- Just a quick note here as I'm getting ready to hit the bed again.

Please forgive my lack of writing. I am adjusting to news of surgery. Yesterday, the surgeon told GR and me that I have two large hernias which are on top each other. My excess weight [What? ... don't most of us have some excess weight?] is mostly stomach weight due to lovely gene pool. Soooo....

The surgeon told us that he will be operating along side a plastic surgeon so they can tighten up my stomach area while removing the hernias. Per his words-- It will be a huge surgery followed by a longer-than-I-care-to-think recup period and will take place in about 1-2 months, so I'm thinking September or October. We won't meet the plastic surgeon until mid September, unless they get a cancellation.

Meanwhile, back at the old ranch--- I wait, deal with pain every few hours, stay close to the bed so I can jump in it when the pain gets bad and pray to God that these two surgeons are at their best on surgery day. I can't stand sloppy work.

The surgeon seems great, really great. I told him, "No hiding info from me, OK? Just be honest with me throughout this whole thing." He promised. I asked him if having sex would hurt things. [OK, I didn't say "having sex"... I said "relations with my dh".] He said, "Use your judgment. If nothing hurts, go for it."

Amazingly, when GR and I have sex, there is no pain. I purposely asked the doc about that in front of GR so he would finally believe me. He's been sort of worrying about causing me pain during sex but I always say, "If anything hurts, I'll tell you and we will stop."

We have Y memberships. I'm seeking out good exercises for chest, shoulders, arms, neck and back. Oh, and I guess my feet and toes ;-). Those are the areas I am allowed to exercise between now and surgery. No muscle strain allowed in stomach or legs. I was doing 3-4 aerobic walking miles a day but can't do that now. So please post your ideas.


Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Giving up minutes of sleep time for sex

Last night, it felt good to be woke in the middle of the night by my horny dh. We hadn't done a 3am session in a while. GR barely woke me, just enough to make love until he O'd. I was too sleepy to try for my own O but still, it felt so good both physically and emotionally to know that my dh needed me in the middle of the night and that I was there to care for him.

Sometimes our sexual needs come up at strange times that may not seem convenient. GR and I enjoy doing this back and forth for each other, after all, who wants to wake horny during the night and have to deal with it all alone when mere minutes can make such a huge difference?

Do you and your spouse ever do this? If one of you objects to interrupted sleep, have you given it an honest try? You might be surprised how easy it is to wake, do a quickie and then resume sleep. And nobody has to lie awake in misery. Btw- This is the reason GR and I always, ALWAYS sleep nude.

Monday, August 11, 2008

A sad thought

Can I just say how much I hate the thought of GR and me not being able to have sex immediately following surgery if it's surgery, indeed, that I will need? I was thinking about that today and it saddened me so much. That's all.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Dh killed at the hands of...

... a folding couch???

Sorry guys-- I am not a feminist but this was funny to read. It reminds me of the true story of how singer Willy Nelson's first dw left him. He was always coming home drunk and she finally had had it. While he was passed out drunk one night she sewed him into the sheets, beat the living daylights out of him and left. We reap what we sow don't we? And why do people choose to live that way?

Taking care of your body during sex!

Does any of this scare you? Not me! I mean, I've given myself a few strained muscles being overly zealous but it was my own fault, truly. Taking care of your body during sex should be common sense. Does the author not have any? Is that why she wrote this?

In her article Ms. Fulbright asks, "So how can you avoid injury when caught up in a bout of excessive sexual desire?" Duh... if it doesn't feel good, stop doing it . Perhaps I'm too simple-minded for this article; am I missing something?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Article deleted.

Article deleted.

Time to catch up!

After talking with GR today I'm realizing that he is withholding some of his sexual affections from me out of concern for my health. He is worried that PIV-IC might make things worse for me before this health issue gets all cleared up. I am married to such a dear but truth be told, this past week I have sorely missed the level of sexual frequency that we are accustomed to enjoying. So without further ado, he and I will head off to bed and catch up on some hot love making. And you should, too!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

An odd experience

Today, I had a CT-scan. I don't know if all women feel this but before they took "pictures" the tech told me that I would begin feeling heat through my body. Well, honey, let me tell you... I could feel that heat begin at my head and I felt it travel all the way down to my clit. I'm sure it must have continued on through my legs and feet but I was too shocked to pay attention to it beyond my clit. What an odd experience!

Next Thurs Aug 14, GR and I meet with the doc to discuss results and talk about a game plan to fix whatever is wrong with me. Please think good thoughts for me.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Do you ever take time to smell the roses?

And some mornings when you and spouse awaken, you just have to lie there and soak up your nudeness together. At 5am this morning, we were both tired when Andrea Bocelli woke us with his singing from the CD. Between our tiredness and the fact that we needed to hit the floor by 5:30, GR and I made a joint decision to spend that half hour enjoying each others nudeness while we chatted so we locked nude bodies, head to toe... no sex... and visited.

Sometimes you just have to slow down and smell the roses, you know? As long as you agree to have sex that night or the next morning, it's a good thing especially when emotions could benefit from a little lift. Frequent sex is wonderful and even necessary in my marriage but none of us need to become legalistic about doing each other every single time we're in the bedroom.

Just when you thought GR and I never slow down for a sexual breather!!! Hope you all get this .... how skipping a sexual opportunity every so often helps to bring the hearts closer together.

Gemma, who can't wait until tonight!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Possible surgery

Well, folks, I thought I'd mention this now. It appears that I may soon be needing surgery for what my doc believes to be a hernia. I've noticed it for several months and for at least this last month, I've been dealing with off/on pain. The past week, pain and burning sensation has been hitting me about every three hours. For relief, I have to lie down a bit. Then I get up for a few more hours and then have to lie down again. Day after tomorrow I go in for a CT-scan. Soooo... if I temporarily disappear, you'll know why.

Yes, I should have seen the doc sooner. Been smacking my forehead about that.

GR is so funny sometimes. At 5 this morning he asks me how I was feeling. It's usually fine upon awakening so I tell him so. He starts babbling about not wanting to irritate anything with the hernia, hinting around that maybe we shouldn't have sex but I assure him that I'll alert him if anything begins hurting.

We are just getting heated up when....

GR's phone rings... not once, but twice... same person.... someone from work needing his help. During second call as I am giving him a *gentle* HJ so he can still complete his call, I overhear him tell this person that he has to see if he can find the info on his laptop and then he'll call him back. GR hangs up the phone and starts to roll over to get out of bed but I grab him and say, "I am your laptop. See what you can find on me!"

So I finally get his attention even for only a quickie :-). I love his dedication to his job.... and his dedication to me :-).

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sexual disconnections or "hum-drum" sex

Early this morning with coffee and book in hand, I was sitting on the porch overlooking our garden, watching the birds fly in for a landing on the edge of the birdbath to get a drink... a bath... or both. As I was reading a passage in Nicholas Sparks novel: "The Notebook" I was reminded of an issue that regularly comes up in topic on marriage forums.

The issue is this--- Wives complain of their husbands being too rushed during sex. They claim that it leaves them feeling that their husbands are only in it for their own sexual pleasure. They also wonder if it would even matter to the husbands who they are having sex with. The husbands complain that their wives experience so much difficulty becoming aroused that they wonder if the wives are ever really as into the sex as they are.

In "The Notebook" I read this passage about the two main characters who are madly in love:

"He was on all fours above her, his knees astride her hips. She lifted her head and kissed his chin and neck, breathing hard, licking his shoulders, and tasting the sweat that lingered on his body. She ran her hands through his hair as he held himself above her, his arm muscles hard from the exertion. With a little tempting frown, she pulled him closer, but he resisted. Instead he lowered himself and lightly rubbed his chest against her, and she felt her body respond with anticipation. He did this slowly, over and over, kissing every part of her body, listening as she made soft, whimpering sounds while he moved above her.

He did this until she couldn't take it anymore, and when they finally joined as one, she cried aloud and pressed her fingers hard into his back. She buried her face in his neck and felt him deep inside her, felt his strength and gentleness, felt his muscle and his soul. She moved rhythmically against him, allowing him to take her wherever he wanted, to the place she was meant to be."

After reading the passage, I wondered---

What are those couples on marriage forums doing or not doing that causes such a disconnect in their marriage bed? Why aren't most of their sexual encounters a "celebration" of sorts? What Sparks has his characters doing in this passage is not all that unusual for a sexual session between two IRL people who are in love.

Is poor communication regarding sexual needs and preferred love making styles at that much of a low for so many IRL couples that they are allowing it to take away from the ecstasy, the passion, they could be regularly experiencing? Why do couples struggle so to recognize and communicate sexual needs and desires? In your own marriage, is this an issue? If so, what do you think is the root cause of it? Have you thought about possible solutions to resolve the issue? Have you discussed it with your spouse?

I've said this before-- Emotional intimacy is where GR and I struggle the most... where we have to work the hardest. With these sort of sexual issues, I am at a loss in understanding them but I would like to delve into a discuss about it if others here share my interest and concerns about it.

If any thing is sacred, the human body is sacred.
-Walt Whitman