Thursday, July 24, 2008

Make-up sex

What do you think about make-up sex? Do you disagree with some of the points made in this article?


midwestman said...

Can't say that we've ever gone from an argument to sex - just doesn't work that way for us. If we have an argument (which is actually pretty rare thankfully), we may have sex later but its not directly tied to the argument...


Gemma said...

I do not view these three as positive results of anger, where the author states:


Anger adds fuel to the flames of make-up sex. It will:

— Release you from feeling like you have to comply with a partner’s demand, proposal or coercive efforts, which is empowering;

— Make you feel more entitled to gratify your physical, sexual and emotional needs;

— Welcome a competitive component to sex, pumping up lovers’ sex drives as they attempt to outdo each other in their longing;


This point made by the author is true for GR and me:

"— Unleash stress, helping you to embrace that super-charged moment;"

To highlight this comment that the author wrote:

"It’s important to keep in mind that habitual make-up sex signals dysfunction in a relationship. Some couples go so far as to force passion, instigating fights for searing sex. This eventually becomes old and tiring, contributing to a relationship’s demise."

Couples should never encourage fights for the make-up sex (MUS). That is wrong on so many levels. GR and I have only had MUS 2-3 times. In all but one incident MUS was the same day as the fight and only after we had resolved differences.We do not believe in going to bed angry.

One of the times, though, the differences between us were so huge that it took about a week to resolve them and, well. we had to sleep. angry. We even had pulled in our pastor for counseling before things improved but, thankfully, we didn't wait to pull him in. Both of us were so eager to resolve and get back to healthy intimacy that we made it work and then moved on.

After we spoke with our pastor he basically looked at us and said, "You are both intelligent people. You know what you have to do. Now go do it." And we did. Our few times of MUS were all hot sessions. Have I mentioned how much I love our pastor? He's a great guy.

Dave Carrol said...

You know... i think it's about the same as sex any other time.

It depends on what's going on mood wise after the fight. After a doozy fight... after we've prayed... it's usually a natural progression... but not as a rule.

Gemma said...

Really? You don't notice a higher level of vulnerability during make-up sex?

We usually clear the air between fighting and when we have sex although we've had 1-2 times where we didn't because it was easier to clear the air during sex. But even when the air is clear before-hand, MUS seems more erotic... passionate. If GR and I were different people, I could see where we would push for the fights just to experience the MUS. And that would be a very bad thing, truly.

The Aestheticist said...

Please keep in mind that I have not had "make-up sex," before, and typically find the notion absurd.

In some aspects, I could say that parts of this are correct -- anger and arousal do excite the body. I do not think they do so to such an extent that I'd ever mistake my fury for sexual excitement, however.

"This could be because some men show a softer side during make-up sex, especially if they are apologizing for being in the wrong."

The author of this gives me mixed messages, I think. I can't speak for anyone else, but as a rational being, my anger has typically dwindled if I'm "apologizing for being in the wrong." This has obvious conflict with the angry-sex aspect - even in the author's own quote, above.

"This quiet after the storm has a feel-good component to it, with unstable couples feeling especially close given their normal state of emotional and/or physical abuse."

If I didn't know better, I'd imagine this quote was talking about the honeymoon phase of the cycle of domestic abuse. That just raises my ire, further, and validates my notion of "make-up sex" being absurd.

"Finally, with orgasm, sex results in the release of oxytocin. This “cuddle” hormone helps couples to bond. Like aloe on dry, cracked skin, it provides the right soothing touch and healing that’s needed to carry on."

Pardon me if I find it absurd that a temporary rush of a certain hormone will fix a couple's problem. Chances are, if there's already been an apology and some emotional mending, that's the "aloe."

"In navigating angry sex turned sexual reconciliation, strive for the following:
— Don’t mention what triggered the argument;"

That sounds, to me, ridiculous. If there has been reconciliation, then the subject won't be some sort of bomb waiting to go off. Furthermore, telling people to not mention a touchy subject is absolutely hazardous and I'm willing to say that, whether the author means in the context of sex or not, such advice is among some of the worst advice to ever be given.

I'm obviously not a fan of the notion of make-up sex. I don't think having sex with the focal-point of my anger is wise, either. At least, not until that anger is done away with and the issue has been completely resolved, already. Sex as an apology, in my mind, cheapens the apology.

I apologies with words and actions of humility. Sex is not such an action. If I am in the wrong, I will humble myself and my only pleasure should be forgiveness. If someone owes me an apology, and tries to do so with sex, I will cast that person away from my life for an eternity and a day.

I get rid of my pent up aggression with physical activities, this much is true. However, my physical activity of choice is fencing. I can also easily vent my anger more productively - towards arts like singing or painting.

I admit, I'm more violent in my anger than some people evidently are. My anger was terrible before I learned the virtue of self-control, and I, unfortunately, have a hard time attributing self-control to other people.

I have known anger and violence to draw favorable attention, sexually - however, not from the target of my anger. Neither have I been drawn to any woman who was specifically targeting me with her anger.

I have also been absolutely disgusted by some displays of anger and violence. This gives me reason to believe that it is not the anger and violence, in and of itself, that allures me.

Cocotte said...

I agree with the article and have found it to be true in my own life. There is something very powerful in make-up sex. What has previously been broken is suddenly hot glued together again. Sorry, I can't come up with a better analogy!

Gemma said...

You brought up some good points, TA. I agree with some of them and just as I stated in my original article about this, I don't agree with everything the columnist stated in this article. I wonder if she believes everything she says here or if she's going on what she has read elsewhere.

I enjoy reading her articles. Some of them, I read and move on. Others, I totally agree with. And yet others, I only agree with bits and pieces. This one has been a "bits and pieces" article for me. Of course, each of our opinions will likely be clouded by our own personally experiences, whether we're had make-up sex or not.

Gemma said...

Cocotte, the few times we're had make-up sex it was powerful. Esp the time we ended up waiting an entire week before having sex. However, if we had used MUS for the wrong reasons, like some that the author gave, I am sure we would not have had the positive results.

Cyber Moth said...

I'm mostly with The Aestheticist on this one.
I've never had make up sex before, and honestly, I never really understood the concept.

I can't speak for others, but when I'm upset with my partner, the last thing I want to do is be in the same bed with him, much less have sex with him. When we fight, we usually seperate for some time, then awkwardly come back, make up, maybe tentatively try to expand on why the firght happened in the first place, then cuddling, then sex.
Not make-up sex, since we're already reconciled, but more apology sex.

Besides, the idea sounds pretty dangerous to me. If my partner is in such an angry primal state, just how much control does he have?
In my personal case, it seems a very bad idea, since when we have sex, bondage and/or submission/domination come into play a majority of the time. That's not a very good place for angry make-up sex, not when one of you is in such a vulnerable position, and emotions are still running high. With BDSM, saftey and comfort are high priorities - can I really trust him to focus on those things when he's still so upset?

Gemma said...

Actually, isn't "make-up sex" and "apology sex" both referring to a similar thing if not the same? I would not want to have sex if my dh, myself or both of us were blazing angry.

Usually, when he and I come together for this type of sex, neither of us are exhibiting physical anger or aggression. Besides, that's not even our nature. Truthfully, of the two of us I am the one more likely to emotionally/verbally explode. [I come from a family of verbally expressive Italian/French people.]

Rather, during "make-up sex" GR and I often find ourselves dealing with raw emotions... lingering feelings of wounded emotions that need to heal. And then the sex completes the healing.

Does that make sense? I'm wondering if we are getting confused with individual definitions of "make-up sex" and "apology sex"? We can use the same phrase but have two different meanings in our minds.

At any rate, I understand and agree with you about being about to absolutely trust for safety and comfort.