Saturday, July 12, 2008

Are we not all, or just some of us, called by God to be our spouse's sex partner?

It is common knowledge that lower-SD spouses struggle to "get in the mood". Setting chemical imbalances and personality aside, do you think part of it is because they place too much emphasis on their high-SD spouse to create the perfect "ta-ta" for them in the bedroom? [ie- If I'm going to do this, entertain me. It's all about *me*.] My Orthodox Christian Faith teaches that God has already placed a calling on all high and low-SD spouses to "wow" their spouse as much in bed as they do out.

How do Christian callings relate to being an enthusiastic sex partner for our spouse?

Why do you think so many married individuals miss their calling to be their spouse's sex partner? ... And I want to add, these individuals are often, but not always, dedicated Christians who will go to the nth degree for those in their church. They will come home and do things around the house for their spouse. But then they go to their marriage bed and whine or say "no" to spouse, who btw is also part of the church.

As Christians, are we allowed to pick and choose which callings we will answer and follow? Could this have anything to do with the reason why so many married folks are lukewarm about their Faith? In other words, would it bother you if spouse gave and gave of him/her self to the church but came home to give nothing in bed?

Do we not feel called of God to be our spouse's sex partner? When God places a calling on our lives for anything, shouldn't we be doing it as "unto the Lord"? I mean, shouldn't we be putting everything into it, be joyful, be enthused, not whine or complain?

What does it mean to us and to the Spirit of God when we do not experience daily joy in our calling? Could it mean that we are missing the mark [sinning]? If we are failing our calling on a regular basis, why would God view it as anything but unconfessed sin?

20 comments:

Who am I said...

Could you define calling a little bit? Could you give a couple of Biblical examples of how you are meaning it?

I am just trying to get more of handle on your question?

Thanks.

I know I as the higher SD spouse really struggle when I watch my wife get into seasons of helping and talking to many others- which is all good, but then comes to bed late with little energy left for me. I try to so hard to be patient, and forgiving, but sometimes alot gets stirred inside of me.

Gemma said...

From Merriam-Webster:
1: a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence2: the vocation or profession in which one customarily engages

who am i,

I'd rather not start a habit of quoting scriptures on my blog. Besides, that is not the way I prefer to practice my Faith. Although most Christians here read the Bible, some of my non-Christian readers do not. [Trying to keep a balance here for all concerned.]

Some examples of church callings would be: pastor [obviously], deacon, music, greeters, coffee hour, food pantry, visiting sick shut-ins, running church bookstore, church school for kids and church school for adults, vacation bible school.

When we are called to any of these types of church works, God puts it on our heart to be involved with that particular work.

What GR and I have found is that when you answer a calling and pray for God's help, He equips you with the desire, joy and skill to do the work. It's not so much a struggle. You love your calling so you do it with joy and put your all into it.

When you do it because the pastor or someone else puts a guilt trip on you or you do it simply because the need is there [Aren't there always needs in a church?], it becomes a distasteful chore and it shows in your attitude.

Does that help?

:::I know I as the higher SD spouse really struggle when I watch my wife get into seasons of helping and talking to many others- which is all good, but then comes to bed late with little energy left for me. I try to so hard to be patient, and forgiving, but sometimes alot gets stirred inside of me.

BINGO!!! It seems that you do understand perfectly what I am talking about here.

walkhiway said...

gemma,
I think you are dead on, but the church has done a lousy job of promoting that aspect of marriage apart from procreation.

But I wholly believe that is a part of one's calling in marriage, in addition to being a companion and supporter

Who am I said...

And I am totally baffled about how to help her understand the effect that this has on me, or to inspire her to put me higher on the list. I think I have tried to share in the past, but maybe it didn't come out right.

Gemma said...

walkhiway said:
"I think you are dead on, but the church has done a lousy job of promoting that aspect of marriage apart from procreation."

I couldn't agree with you more. Many have done a lousy job and of the ones we were in, GR and I had to completely walk away from them so we could get our heads screwed on straight.

The church we're been in for the last eight years (2 churches, same denomination) was the first church where we had pastors who were bold enough to tell us that it was part of our marital calling to keep our spouse sexually satisfied, according to our spouse's standards.... not our own.

This was such a huge revelation for me that after initially hearing it, it took me another six years to start living it. Now I've been regularly practicing it for the last 18 months.

GR and I will NEVER go back to attending a church that does not teach healthy sexuality as a major part of marriage.

Gemma said...

who am i said:
"And I am totally baffled about how to help her understand the effect that this has on me, or to inspire her to put me higher on the list. I think I have tried to share in the past, but maybe it didn't come out right."

wai, when we were going through that, GR tried every way he could think of to help me understand and he, too, couldn't make a dent. It wasn't until 8 years ago when we determined to find a church with more balanced teachings, did it finally begin to "click" for me... like I explained in my comment to "walkhiway".

Cocotte said...

A lot of tough questions here, Gemma. I think we are called to have a generous spirit with our spouse, and that goes both ways. If one spouse isn't in the "mood," then the other spouse shouldn't "expect" sex anyway. And, if you find that you are not in the mood most of the time, then you need to both take a hard look at your situation and figure out WHY and work on making changes.

I think part of the whole Christian calling thing is that most Christians believe they are to put Christ first and their spouse/family second. Personally, I find that a very difficult thing to do, but some would take that to mean that their church activities come before their spouse, and I don't believe that is what it means. I think if you are truly putting Christ first, then you are reading your Bible, praying, and applying His word to your life. And that should mean that you are trying your utmost to keep your marital bond strong. If your marriage is falling apart, what good does it do your church that you are teaching Sunday School?

Sensuous Wife said...

Why do you think so many married individuals miss their calling to be their spouse's sex partner?

I think quite often it's because they feel disqualified--by guilt over past sexual sin, body image issues, lack of comfort with their own sexuality, feeling like they don't measure up--

I've heard from a lot of husbands and wives in the year and a half since I started my blog and I believe that 75% or more of spouses who are not generous with their higher drive spouse are not deliberately taunting their spouse saying "Nanny-Nana-Boo-Boo You Can't Have Me". An overwhelming majority of them are broken and need healing. And when you're broken for a long time, it becomes your normal and you don't realize how much you need healing until God offers it to you as an option.

I have a LOT of compassion for lower drive spouses who are not generous in bed. I used to be one of them. And it's only by the grace of God and my hundreds of little good choices that's not my normal anymore. -SW

Gemma said...

cocotte,

I agree with you on most points except... I have a hang-up about using the phrase "I'm not in the mood" in my own MB. You say if one spouse's not in the mood the other shouldn't expect it. Well, if a spouse is exhausted, or sick or has some other good reason it seems kinder to me to say what the specific problem is, offer a "rain check" and then make good on it at the promised time. And no, other spouse shouldn't expect it if the reason is a good one AND ...... if the reason doesn't pop up more than it realistically should. "I'm not in the mood" sounds to me, and I'll bet to many high-SD spouses, like spouse is saying, "I just don't feel like it. I'd rather be doing something else. You are bothering me. Go away." Like you said, both should work on communication when changes are needed.

cocotte said:
"I think part of the whole Christian calling thing is that most Christians believe they are to put Christ first and their spouse/family second. Personally, I find that a very difficult thing to do, but some would take that to mean that their church activities come before their spouse, and I don't believe that is what it means. I think if you are truly putting Christ first, then you are reading your Bible, praying, and applying His word to your life. And that should mean that you are trying your utmost to keep your marital bond strong. If your marriage is falling apart, what good does it do your church that you are teaching Sunday School?"

I totally agree. "Christ comes first" does not mean church activities. Rather it means your relationship with Christ. Teaching Sunday School when your marriage is falling apart not only hurts the church and the children you teach but it also does more harm than good in the troubled marriage. When both spouses are truly connected to Christ the marriage cannot help but thrive.

There is a common false teaching that I would like to mention here. I think it's a crock when pastors say, "Put Christ first. Christ is the church. Therefore, you should always put the church first." Bad, BAD logic. When a person hears that from their pastor, they should run, not walk, the other way.

Good comment, cocotte. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

"Mood" conveys emotions/feelings so I believe it is a valid reason if you consider married sex to be an emotional, physical and spiritual trilogy. When my husband and I make love, we want that whole package and unfortunately, sometimes, one of us is emotionally spent. I see no difference between "I'm not in the mood" and "I'm sick/exhausted" so long as it's honest.

Gemma said...

sensuous wife said:
And when you're broken for a long time, it becomes your normal and you don't realize how much you need healing until God offers it to you as an option.-SW


SW,

Lower-SD spouses, for the most part, are not deliberately wanting to make their spouse miserable. I think we can understand that. But does God really withhold the healing until we are desperate or...... do we refuse to take it from Him sooner out of fear or for whatever reason? We can and should all be compassionate with low-SD spouses. However, part of being compassionate and loving is to challenge and point someone in need towards the Healer.

Do most Christians separate their broken sex lives from everything else broken in their lives? It seems to me that Christians are usually taught to quickly seek healing for those other things but when physical intimacy needs healing it is treated more like, "Oh, well, it will fix itself if it is God's will." And then we ignore it.... and ignore God .... until living with the brokenness becomes totally unbearable. If it is God's will??? Perhaps it is way different for others who find themselves as a low-SD attempting to live a life with a high-SD spouse but that was sort of the mentality I had when I couldn't and wouldn't respond to my dh's sexual advances.

Anyway, my point in what I wrote, I think :-) , was to say that being our spouse's sex partner is as much a calling for Christians as any other calling in our lives. Over and over I hear high-SD spouses talk about how giving low-SD spouses are with church work. That's why I said: "In other words, would it bother you if spouse gave and gave of him/her self to the church but came home to give nothing in bed?"

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, SW. And please, let me know when your website is up and running. I'd like to add the link to my blog, if that is OK with you.

Gemma said...

anonymous said:
"I see no difference between "I'm not in the mood" and "I'm sick/exhausted" so long as it's honest."

And that's fine, anon, as long as it works for you and your dh. I'm just saying that for me to say, "I'm not in the mood," would not be a good phrase to use. Do what works. :-)

Sensuous Wife said...

Healing is a partnership between God's power and our willingness. That's why I feel so passionate about sharing my story of healing so that I can be contagious grace for other women who are stuck in a bad groove like I was.

You're welcome, Gemma.
I'll be glad to let you know when the site is up and running. Sure, that's okay if you want to add a link to sensuouswife.com to your blog. That would be great, thanks! :)

I'll be sure to stop by and say hello within a day or so of the store opening. That will be so fun! We can have girl talk about our favorite Liberator products. :)

If you want to know the very second that the site goes live, my beloved web developer put up a widget on the temporary landing page that will send you an invitation when the site goes live.

I'm so excited!
SW

Gemma said...

I'm excited for you, SW.

Mark said...

Gemma,

I know I'm late to the conversation but I believe that the calling is inherent in being married.

Paul says that in the Bible that our body belongs to our spouse and that the only reason to abstain from sex is fasting and prayer.

To me that means NEVER turning down your spouse for sex. I do think giving a "rain cheque" like you do is allowable as long as that rain cheque is always redeemed.

Mark

Gemma said...

The rain check goes both ways in my marriage, Mark. If GR hits the bed exhausted at night he'll ask me- Is it alright with you if we fuck later in the night or early morning? If it is me exhausted, I'll ask him the same thing because truly, neither of us want the other to go to sleep horny. Instead, we'd both rather push ourselves to the limit so that we can keep each other satisfied.

And if you have to ask for a rain check, for goodness sakes, yes, be willing to enthusiastically redeem it as promised. That's only fair.

Mark said...

Gemma,

I don't expect my wife to ever ask me for a rain cheque since she never initiates sex.

I'm still waiting on a rain cheque from last Tuesday because she was sick, but is getting better.

Mark

Gemma said...

Mark, last Tuesday as in 3 days ago? When one of us is really sick we allow grace, lots of it, until the sick spouse is well enough to participate in sex.

Mark said...

Gemma,

Yes it was last Tuesday and I am waiting until she is feeling better.

I'm just bummed because this was the week where our kids were away from home at camp, for the 1st time.

The good news is that last Monday while she wasn't feeling well enough to fuck she did want to watch me masturbate, give me oral sex, and cum on her :-)

Mark.

Gemma said...

Well, you know, we can't predict when illnesses will hit us. I'm sure your dw hasn't enjoyed being sick. I hope you guys have some fun time after dw is all well again. It sounds like some fun times have already been had.