Saturday, July 5, 2008

"Am I too old?"

What does it mean when a late 50-something year old man whom I love dearly, asks me this morning, "Do you think I have enough energy for you? Do you feel I am too old?"

Last night we had sex; he initiated. Then we did each other again this morning; I initiated. We don't always have sex every night and every morning this way. It is just that when the mood hits one or both of us, we do make love. GR and I discuss this occasionally and we both understand that our high-SD's are pretty evenly matched. There is no way that I could complain as he keeps me well satisfied in the sexual area... and in other areas too.

I take his fears seriously but I playfully laughed and told him, "Of course you are not too old. What would make you think that? A few of our sessions are such that we seem to take turns lacking energy (ie- from lack of sleep) but that goes both ways, don't you think? So how does that make you a person with low sexual energy or a person who is too old? If you are, so am I."

This is about the second or third time since Dec 2006 that he has asked me this. GR is six years older than I but by no means do I ever feel he is too old for me. In general, he can run circles around me with his energy level. Physically and emotionally I am very attracted to him and he knows it because I tell him and show him in many ways, all the time. His main love language is physical touch with words of affirmation down lower on the list in second place. As far as I'm concerned, he is a hottie.

I cannot crawl into the minds of how men feel about that but perhaps some of my male readers can relate and help me understand. Or even some of my female readers who are more "in the know" than I can shed some light on this.

As he left to pick up dd#1 from work I told him, "Honey, we are just getting started with our marriage as we know it today. Don't ever feel you are too old for me." I know we will likely pick up this discussion again where we left off this morning.


Gemma said...

OK, now I am embarrassed. After my persistence to find out the motive to his questions, GR and I spoke further about this. Clearly, we were on two totally different pages.

About a week ago, he began riding his bike to work. He's 10-15 pounds overweight, nothing major. However, the bike ride is 18-19 miles 'round trip with 9+ miles trip home consisting almost entirely of uphill pedaling. He's only done the ride home 3x and each time he has come home exhausted from the uphill pedaling.

After we talked more this morning, he admitted-- it bothered him that the uphill riding has been so difficult for him. When he asked me if I thought his energy level was low and if I thought he was getting old, it was in reference to his thoughts about how he's been feeling after his bike ride home.

And there you have it. Waaaay off, wouldn't you say?

And then I told him how I was interpreting his questions (ie- his bedroom performance) and asked him, "Why didn't you just tell me it was about the uphill riding?"

He smiles and shrugs.

I swat him on the shoulder... a hard swat... and tell him, "Don't do that to me again! Next time let me know up front what the motives are for your questions."

Who am I said...

Dear Gemma,

As for the question about having enough energy for you- I can't really relate, because I tend to have more energy than my wife.

As for the "Do you feel I am too old?" I can share some of my own thoughts about me, and maybe give you some ideas about what questions to ask.

I am 50 coming up on 51. My dad died when he was 50.

My daughter gave me a membership to AARP on my 50th birthday. For some reason that age seems to be some mileston in the world's eyes.

I think that for me, the hardest thing about this age for me is that I have had some major professional and financial setbacks
so I feel less professionally succesful and confident now, than I did at 35 or 40.

Is there anything going on in your husbands work and professional life that might be triggering some of these feelings? Getting passed over for a promotion, or downsized because he was old enough to be one of the higher paid ones, when cost cutting came to the forefront? Maybe working with a young go- getter co worker?

Does GR ever feel like he can't keep up with you sexually? That doesn't seem to have been a problem. Is there any chance he has felt it and not said it?

I don't know why that at times, it seems to take more affirmation, touch, sex, etc. from my wife than normal for me to feel loved, accepted, wanted, etc. Maybe GR is in one of those times and even he doesn't know why.

I am so glad you plan to be proactive talking about all of this.

Gemma said...

It was the bike riding, wai. See my comment just above yours.

I have to say, though, that I kind of understand how thoughts of getting old can plague the mind of a man. GR went through it in a bad, bad way for at least the last 6 of my refusing years. It was as if he felt his married life would be that way forever... that it would never change.

wai, thank you for caring enough to post your comment, sharing your personal experiences with this. I'd rather be safe and talk about things with GR than ignore them and be sorry.

This gives me an idea for another topic of discussion. More later...

Cocotte said...

Uphill biking is going to be difficult for almost anyone. If I were you, I'd tell him to give it a few more weeks, and if it's still taking too much energy away from other areas in your life (love life, etc.), then it's not worth it and go back to driving to work. Sometimes there's a fine line between healthy exercise and exhaustion.

Gemma said...

Yep, that's pretty much what I told him about the uphill climb, cocotte. Ten miles of mostly uphill is no small hill to climb, is it?

Gemma said...

OK, now we see something different in GR.

He has caught some sort of 'bug'. In the last few days, we're been seeing some upper respiratory stuff like coughing and being chilled all the time. (This is a man who rarely wears a coat in winter.) His energy level has decreased along with aches and pain, esp in his head and legs. He told me his legs didn't hurt like this on the days he rode his bike home... that this is a different ache.

This morning he was feeling somewhat better but the symptoms were still there. I told him, "No bike riding to work today." He tried to protest but I insisted and told him when the symptoms are gone he can ride his bike again. Until then, he needs to get well.