Saturday, April 12, 2008

Praying for supernatural sex & about our church friends- Are they assets or liabilities for our MB?

One of my dear readers, Tractor, expressed this in the comment section of my blog:

"I have read that sometimes when women make a consistent, conscious choice to make love, that eventually their desire goes up. I keep hoping that will happen with my wife, but until then I am trying to more and more enjoy what we have."

I thought I would respond to Tractor's comment here so others could read it and comment. Here is my theory on this---

With increased LMing frequency, many low-SD's can indeed raise their SD level since "the more we do, the more we want". However, our individual "desire" level will always play a part in how high the SD level is raised. By this I mean- the desire to enjoy healthy sex and the desire to see our spouse sexually pleasured and satisfied, not once in a while, not even weekly, but on a daily basis. Daily, we can all check in with our spouse to assure that those needs are being met. For some low-SD and/or low desire individuals, this can only be accomplished through their own prayers, asking God to change them. The same goes for spouses who are not meeting emotional needs in their marriage. It requires a humbling before God, asking Him to change ---- who??? Yes, "God change *me*!!!"

When we're apart from spouse, we should want to look forward to uniting again in order to bless their socks off. If we can't anticipate it naturally, then we need to ask for God's supernatural help. Before my awakening it never entered my thinking to pray for God to help me increase my desire and anticipation for having sex with my dh. For some spouses, that's what it takes. Are you OK with asking God to equip you for offering supernatural sex or supernatural emotional support when the natural isn't doing it?

For the spouse who only offers low sexual desire or low emotional support-- What is so difficult about praying for God to change that in our lives? We pray for all the other spiritual needs for our family and for others. Shouldn't this be our main prayer request to God--- to change *me*, to make *me* be a better intimate partner in every way for my spouse?

And one more thing before I go---

I've said this before but it's worth repeating. We need to be careful with the crowd we run with. Don't be offended by this but let's face it--- Many church women tend to be rather prudish about marital sex as if they're still dealing with the "sex is dirty" factor. (I can say that because I used to be one of the prudes.) We wives, or husbands, should be acting as adults totally enjoying the gift of sex that God has given us. If most of our female church friends are not excited about marital sex, chances are that we won't be either. We will become like the crowd we run with. It's not like we go on and on talking about our sex life with our girlfriends. However, we can get a good feel for the mindset of others in regards to marital sex. Occasionally, I also ask GR about how the guys at work feel about sex in their marriages. Guys can pick up on these things too.

Soooooo..... what kind of girlfriends do we wives hang with from church? Or, what kind of guy friends do dh's hang with from church? Is it time to do an inventory of the type of friends we have? Are we even in the right kind of church which encourages healthy marital sex or is the subject totally ignored. For high-SD spouses--- Do you feel your church is an asset or a liability in fostering healthier sexual thoughts in your spouse and in your marriage?


tractor said...

Dear Gemma,

Glad my post inspired you. It would have been fine if you had fixed my typos in my quote. My wife will probably be more embarassed by my typos than my sexual posts. She has a background in typesetting, and usually edits most of what I write.

On the subject of prayer. I do think praying for our sex lives incuding our own attitudes is great. We often pray before lovemaking. Stormi O Martian in her "Power of the Praying Husband" and "Power of the Praying Wife" books has some good prayers for married sexuality.

On the subject of friends in church. I had never really pondered that, but certainly worth thinking about. I have been in enough various small groups, men's groups, etc. before that I have gotten the sense to be cautious about what to say about sexual issues. Some people just want to skip the whole subject, some use cliches, and some give moral lectures.

I am finding your blog, TMB, Chrisitan Nymphos blog, and Sensuous Wife blogs, all very helpful for viewing and having conversations about sexual issues.

I think most of the posters have a positive view of sexuality and are willing to talk about issues in real life terms.

Sure appreciate what you are doing here.

Cocotte said...

This is such a great topic, Gemma! I'd like to comment on the church/friends...........

Our church has rarely brought up sexuality in the five or so years we have been members. When the pastor has, he has referenced SOS and it has been positively reinforced that sex in marriage is a good thing. So, how timely that our church bulletin just announced the upcoming sermon series for May - SEX! I am anxious to see what is said!

As far as friends go in the church, I am a member of a small group (women ages late 30's-early 40's)and one time married sex was brought up in the group. The women seemed to feel as though their husbands had sex on their mind 24/7 and they didn't seem too pleased with the constant groping and copping a feel in the kitchen. Of course, I piped up that they should be happy their husbands were so interested in them, etc. They were genuinely surprised by my comments, but it hasn't been mentioned since. I'm sure they think I'm a weirdo, but hopefully, I planted a seed!

And agreeing with Tractor, I'm grateful for this blog you've started Gemma. Good stuff!

Gemma said...

Dear Tractor,

I wasn't concerned about your typos but if it pleases you, email your comment to me the way you want it and I'll change your quote to the corrected one.

Thanks for your inspiration.

Gemma said...

That's too funny, Cocotte. All that your pastor wrote for the topic was the broad heading of SEX? I'll bet everyone will be there that first Sunday in May, hehe. You'll have to let us know how he decides to narrow down his topic.

:::The women seemed to feel as though their husbands had sex on their mind 24/7 and they didn't seem too pleased with the constant groping and copping a feel in the kitchen. Of course, I piped up that they should be happy their husbands were so interested in them, etc.

Sex on the mind 24/7? Well, yeah, HELLO??? We do too, Cocotte, don't we ;-) ? That's the exact attitude I'm talking about with prudish church women. Isn't it just so sad that those 30-40-something yo Christian women don't see how their attitudes affect their marriage and how it affects other dw's in the church. You know better so you don't buy into what they say and you gave them another wife's POV to consider. Good for you for speaking up to them! Then there are always church wifes who are younger and/or less confident in their sexuality who will hear those negative remarks and take them on as their own POV. Grrrrr.....

Thanks for the blog support, Cocotte, even though I'm still trying to get my blog better organized. There are so many marriage-related ideas and lists that I want to include in my side bars. Then there are a few other non-marriage topics that I'd like to find room for here on my blog, without changing my blog name. I really cannot stretch my brain to handle writing 2-3 different blogs to cover several topics. But then, that's for another article I'll soon be posting.

Thank you for posting here. I always enjoy reading your comments.

Cocotte said...

OH - I should have mentioned that there were sermon titles for the different weeks in May (not just SEX)......the first one is, "Why Should We Talk About Sex?" Another one was simply titled, "Naked" and I think the last one was "Better Than Sex" (which I suspect will be about heaven). If anyone is interested, I'll do a few brief summaries if the material is good.

Gemma said...

I see, Cocotte, so he DID already have titles for each week. Do come share if it's good, absolutely. Thanks.

Sensuous Wife said...

I agree with the whole concept of being influenced by the crowd you run with. For years, I heard the carping bitch-and-moan comments about sex at any kind of church lady gathering. Now, I'm at a new church and a new season in my sex life and I see it about 50/50 of the ladies I know half have the prudish church lady mentality and the other half are laughing at my bawdy funny comments.

I was at a scrapbooking party and was designing a page of photos from a sexy getaway weekend Delighted Husband and I took recently. One lady commented in a grouchy tone of voice, "do you realize you just put the phrase 'cherish the moment' next to a picture of a bed?" and I just winked and said, "bring it on!!" and laughed and a few other ladies at the table laughed too. Our laughter was not to put anyone down. Our laughter was like the grin of the cat that ate the canary. The "she laughs at the future" proverbs 31 lady kind of laugh. It was a lovely moment.

Sensuous Wife said...

Oh I don't want to forget to say, every big and small breakthrough in our sex life has been brought on by prayer. I'm talking specific prayer like "dear God I want to be able to come by OS" or "I want to have a vaginal O". Specific prayer. Totally works!

What's way cool is that our loving God cares about every detail of our lives and wants to bless us. Even in our marriage bed. I remember being so shocked and delighted when I first "got" that.

Gemma said...

:::the other half are laughing at my bawdy funny comments.

SW, keep up the good work and maybe little by little the prudish half will start to wonder why they don't get the jokes ;-).

Cocotte said...

I definitely need to start hanging out with more bawdy women!