Monday, April 21, 2008

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12 comments:

Cocotte said...

Unfortunately, "misjudging" each other's words and actions has become a regular staple in our marriage. We are working to improve it, but it is very difficult.

Gemma said...

(((cocottte))),

I am slowly learning that some couples struggle in misjudging emotional issues, other couples struggle with sexual issues and I guess some struggle with both. But ALL couples struggle with some part of the relationship.

Unfortunately, none of us ever arrive at a "final" destination where we can say, "There, the struggles are over for good." It is a difficult, never-ending battle, isn't it?

All we can do is pray for God's wisdom and take regular time to communicate, evaluate how we're doing together as a couple. GR and I have to evaluate our relationship at least 1-2 times a month. If we don't regularly do this, later on the magnified problems end up stealing 2-3X's more time from our busy schedule.

Maybe we should have a short, simple form that we can fill out whenever we're ready to do a marriage evaluation. We could make it "multiple choice" for those who don't like to take time to write everything out. Otherwise, an easy "fill-in-the-blank" would work. (No, essays, please!!!)

Does that sound dumb or what? But it could be a useful tool for some, don't you think? And it would offer couples a "quick-start" into the discussion.

We could have a deadline to have it filled out by end or beginning of each month. Each spouse can fill his/her form ahead when it's convenient. After the forms are filled, the couple meet to talk about what they wrote.

I'm babbling but I could see where doing monthly forms could help some couples. Perhaps some website already has such a form. I'll have to check the backs of my marriage books, too.

Be hopeful, cocotte.

Cocotte said...

Gemma, I really appreciate your response and your wisdom. It was a particularly rough Sunday here and we are just now addressing the situation today. You are so right - none of us will ever say, "I have arrived - my marriage is now perfect!" It is comforting to know that other people have to evaluate their relationship on a regular basis too. Thanks for the reminder.

Gemma said...

cocotte, I hope you guys got that "hitch" resolved today. I assume that everyone has to periodically evaluate their relationship. We are constantly changing and the dynamics of our relationship constantly change. That's why the evaluating is so necessary. Have a good night :-).

Cocotte said...

We worked through the issue yesterday. Partly a sex issue and partly a respect/appreciation issue. And we both have issues with our off-the-cuff comments. Last night, we made up for lost time, starting in front of the bathroom mirror and finishing in bed. A good time was had by all!

Gemma said...

Ahhh, make-up sex ;-). Glad it all got ironed out.

Who am I said...

When you mentioned alternating between thrusting hard and fast, and slowly,it reminded me of something that I heard of and enjoy.

Not sure what it is called, but I call it 99 strokes.

The pattern is that the man makes 8 shallow thrusts, then one very long and deep, then 7 shallow, followed by 2 long and deep, etc.,all the way to 1 shallow and 8 long and deep.

One thing it does is help the man's self control because he really has to concentrate, also helps the woman build sometimes to an incredible orgasm.

Have your ever heard of such a thing or tried it.

BTW-my wife and I have been apart about 11 days, she is coming to join me for business and pleasure this weekend. Yippee

midwestman said...

We too struggle with communication, particularly sexual, although it worlds better than it used to be! Attitudes from the past still rear their ugly head from time to time and get in our way. I struggle with a "no" to sex, no matter what the reason because of our 24 year history of asking and getting "no". So we all need to work on parts of our marriage and it never will be perfect!

Who Am I - you mentioned the thrusting pattern. I believe thats from Tantric sex.

mwm

Gemma said...

"Who am I", I have heard of the thrusting pattern and have done it but we don't always count the strokes.
Happy to hear that you and dw will be reunited this weekend. Enjoy!

mwm, like I told cocotte, all couples have struggles in one area of another. GR and I struggle more in the emotional area. I consider it a challenge when GR and I are dealing with an emotional struggle and we manage to talk through it and come out better in the end. It's like, "YES!!!!! We did it!!!!!!"

Perhaps most of us are in the habit of approaching struggles from the wrong angle. How do we communicate when it's clear that we disagree? Do we come out from our corners fighting or........ can we learn how to come together in a more friendly atmosphere and work on finding a solution that both spouses can live with?

Who am I said...

I have been pondering this post for quite awhile, and wanted to add several things.

a. As far as the 99 strokes being tantric- it might be, I vaguely remember learning the technique out of a pretty explicit sex manual. I have been afraid to dig through every manual out there to try to find it again- try to be careful what I look at. I sure know that when I have enough self control to count, things can sure get hot. One of my pet peeves has been that until I found things like TMB, this blog, Christian Nymphos etc., that there just hasn't been much in the Christian world that gets down to very specific details about sexual technique.

b. It is interesting that with a post that started out very explicitly about fucking and pussy, etc., the conversation is really about relationships- that is what I enjoy so much about this blog- even though it is sexually explicit, it goes so much deeper.

c.Now onto another subject I have been wanting to share. My wife and I were separated, and one of the things Jesus used to heal our marriage was a set of tools by a group called PAIRS at Pairs.com. Pairs = "Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills."

We are trained to teach Christian Pairs.

One of the very simple tools we use almost daily to help keep our relationship tuned up is called
"The Daily Temperature Reading" DTR for short.

We start with prayer, and then each of us shares in these five areas.

Appreciations-
Something you appreciate about the other person,or just life in general. Maybe you appreciated your wife's cooking, or God giving you a sunny day, or oral sex last night. The more appreciations the better.

New Information-

Something you haven't told your spouse yet. Could be something at work, an appontment you made, something with the kids, an interesting article on the web, or your own internal thoughts and feeligings.

Puzzle-

Is something that perplexes you. Could be about them, could be about you, could be about life in general-like I am puzzled why Bill Clinton keeps opening his mouth and damaging his wifes campaign when he really wants back in the White House.

Complaint with Request for Change-

You can politely complain about something, but suggest a positive solution. For example- I really get tired of wiping up mud in the living room, could you please take your boots off in the mud room, and I will even buy you a pair of slippers to leave in the mud room.

Wishes,Hopes, and Dreams

Can be as simple as wishing for a sunny day for golf tommorrow, to dreaming of sleeping in to noon, to making passionate love on a moonlit Hawaii beach. Sharing our wishes hopes and dreams during our separatiion really reignited our love for one another- especially when we found out some were the same.

If someone practices the DTR for a few days, I would love to hear how it goes. Can also be done with kids, co-workers, roommates, etc.

For an interesting and hot variation, make the DTR all about sex as part foreplay and see what happens.

Who am I said...

Dear Gemma,

My wife and I had such a bad relationship before and during our separation, that we needed something like the DTR, for training wheels to get back on track.

I have a hunch that alot of people who have good marriages already without thinking probably incorporate alot of the elements of the DTR into their relationship.

You and GR seem to have a good marriage. I am curious to know, if you care to share, how many of the elements of the DTR, you share in a typical day or week without even realizing it?

Those elements were appreciation, new information, puzzles, requests for change, and wishes, hopes and dreams.

Also, is there some other routine in your marriage besides fucking of course, that you have found just helps keep things in tip-top shape.

Thanks- always looking for ways to continue to enhance our marriage by studying others.

Who am I said...

Those sound like some great ways to keep a relationship strong. Thanks for sharing.