Wednesday, March 12, 2008
What "gets your goat" about passion in marriage or the lack, thereof?
Some things just "get my goat" and this is one of them. It is *part* of the reason why I was a refusing dw for over 25 years. What is this thing in some Christian churches where young dw's are never given "permission" or encouraged to go sexually wild with their dh's? I understand and agree that single girls and single guys should remain sexually pure before marriage.
And before anybody gets on my case for being sexist, I do realize that the attitudes of dh's and dw's can be in a reversed order with the dw's dragging their kicking and screaming dh's towards the marriage bed. So I know it goes both ways. For the purpose of this post, I am only bringing up the example of the dw's being too much "good girl" to enjoy sex in their marriage.
This is what I keep hearing---
Young couples prepare to marry. The guys know or learn to anticipate and enjoy marital sex. The girls are kept sexually clueless, shy and inhibited. They marry and then the girls continue to sexually hold back in the marriage while the guys are eager and ready to bust lose.... only they can't because... their dw's are too busy being "good girls". When are we going to wake up and realize the damage we're doing to young marriages right from the "get-go"?
Recently, on one of my favorite marriage forums, someone asked help for a friend who had this same issue going on in her marriage. Being a "good girl" was causing the friend to refuse sex to her dh. He was already at the point of sleeping on the couch because sharing the bed with his "good girl" dw was too painful when she often told him "no" to sex.
Basically, this is what I told the poster---
There is NOTHING good or "holy" about withholding sex from your spouse. I used to think I was a good Christian dw because I did all the right things outwardly... you know, the things that everyone from my church could see. But in my heart and behind closed bedroom doors, I sinned against my dh and I sinned against my God. Withholding or refusing sex is "sin".
Don't get me wrong-- If her dh is asking her to engage in immoral sex practices then, no, she shouldn't engage in them. But if he simply desires to enjoy the dw of his youth and she's never in the mood so she often says "no", then that is "sin". God designed and desired for dh's and dw's to thoroughly enjoy each others' bodies and to keep each other sexually satisfied. It is 'sin' to go against that and tell God, "Thanks for the gift but 'no thanks'. I'd rather do other things than satisfy my dh in bed."
15 months ago I made a decision to never say "no" to sex. The "good girl" left the house and my dh's "whore" moved in, figuratively speaking. I was the "good girl" turned "dh's whore". This is what totally turned my marriage around. Now GR and I enjoy frequent, passionate sex AND an affectionate relationship outside the bedroom as well. This is as a passionate marriage should be.
On Christian marriage forums I've had more than a few dw's become rattled and a couple of them even verbally abusive when I say "I am my dh's whore", like as if I'm having sex my dh without any love involved or that he disrespects me. Think about it-- When you're in bed and totally pleasing your dh and he's totally pleasing you, aren't you offering/using your body in a similar fashion to what a whore would do? I often wonder if those dh's would be asked if they'd like their dw's to be as whores in their marriage bed, would the dh's encourage or DIScourage it? Is it only about the dw's self-image (ie- wanting to seem like a "good girl") or is the dh's opinion (ie- uninhibited, hot babe in bed) taken into account at all? Hmmmmm.....
Anyway, back to that poster and her friend. She asked if she should recommend that her friend go talk to her religious leader and I told her:
Absolutely not! Your friend is already suffering from too much *wifely goodness*. What if her pastor is a refusing spouse? What good could he possibly do for your friend's marriage? None! If she needs outside help, recommend she see a professional sex therapist. Four books I would recommend for this "good girl" issue.
For the dw's to read:
The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Dillow & Pintus
For them to read as a married couple:
The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage
Love & Respect
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
That "good girl" concept really needs to be knocked off its pedestal! Try replacing it with this thought---
Dw's, be that 'good girl' in the living room and when you are away from home. But when you and dh are in your bedroom, allow yourself the freedom to be his whore. As a dw, enjoy the sexual, God-given gift that you possess. Dh's, encourage your dw to be your whore when you're in the bedroom. Never, ever make her feel ashamed or embarrassed for letting lose while making love." Now go enjoy your marriage bed!
Gemma, GR's whore!