Monday, March 10, 2008

True confession! And the solution was...

GR and I recently had an emotional clash in our marriage. For a couple of weeks we could not seem to handle it well at all. Finally, we met with our pastor who sat and listened to both sides of our dilemma. Afterwards he simply and so very wisely told us, "You guys are both intelligent people. You know what you have to do. Just do it! And you know you have to forgive each other and resolve to be honest in your marriage." Of course he also reminded us that we were heading into the Lenten season and that Lent was all about "forgiveness" so how could we not forgive and move on?

Just that quickly and easily we knew how to fix the mess. For us, we had to hear it from a third party. We kind of knew before we met with our pastor what we needed to do but it took hearing it from his mouth to our ears before we were ready to "just do it". You know, we can get so caught up in licking our wounds that we forget the ultimate goal of keeping our marriage healthy.

We have a very honest relationship with our pastor and can tell him anything. Before we left his office I was still ticked off at my dh and I asked our pastor, "Can I wring GR's neck before we forgive and move on?" He just grinned and told me, "Nope, I don't think so!" GR and I left church and went straight home. To celebrate our mended relationship, we enjoyed some wine with brie, crackers and fruit. And then it was time for "make-up sex". We couldn't wait to tear into each others' bodies. When we're that horny, our LMing becomes so franticly erotic, long before we ML.

By the time we were through doing each other that night, I had had 3 O's, GR had had 4, before our bodies quit on us. It was one of the hottest 3-hour sex sessions we've had in a while and they are all hot but this was one to go down in our history. I would not recommend disagreeing with your spouse just so you can enjoy "make-up" sex but oh, my.... Why stay angry and miss all that good sex? Kiss and make-up. Just do it!!! This is as a passionate marriage should be!


Sensuous Wife said...

You go, girl!
I'm inspired.

About Me said...

Be inspired, Sensuous wife. Life doesn't get any better than this. You know your life is good when each evening, you and your spouse can't wait to head to the bedroom. And your teens look at you like you have two heads and even comment, "Gees guys, take a break already!"

Cocotte said...

Make up sex ROCKS! This is a good reminder that we should forgive and forget a.s.a.p. and not waste time being hurt or angry. If you're in a healthy marriage, you'll both say/do things that hurt the other person's feelings, but for the most part, are unintentional. Let it go and get back to enjoying your marriage bed!
Gemma - one thing I liked about your explicitness is the vulnerability shown in "letting go." I think some wives have a really difficult time with being in a so-called submissive position during IC. They are really missing out, IMO!

Gemma said...

Yes it does ROCK, cocotte. And if we can't forgive on our own, then we should pull in another person to mediate, such as a pastor or counselor, so we can deal with it and move on.

Regarding my explicitness--- I've missed out for way too many years; no more! Cocotte, why do you feel that so many dw's have such difficulties "being in a submissive position during IC"? Can you share your opinion on this?

Cocotte said...

Well, this is just my opinion, since I don't have issues with ANY position! I sometimes wonder if there are self-esteem issues with women who don't like XYZ in the bedroom. Such as, worrying about the way they look in a certain position or certain lingerie. In regards to "submissive" positions (doggy, face down, or OS while on knees), I'm wondering if those women who don't like it are not secure in their relationships. Maybe they think their husband doesn't think highly of them or maybe they think he will start to treat them differently afterwards. This is pure conjecture on my part. Honestly, I feel more of a bonding with my husband after positions such as this. Part of that is me showing him my vulnerability and him treating it with respect. This can be a major turn on for me!

Gemma said...

Yes, it's very possible that those dw's have self-esteem issues which can conceivably cloud the way they interpret their dh's reaction. Or it could be that the dh and dw each lack love and/or respect towards the other. For a dw to enjoy being her "dh's whore" even in those submissive positions, she has to know that the love and respect from her dh is intact. And I agree with you about the bonding being special with those positions. The major turn-on that they produce for GR and me is especially hot.

cocotte, your avatar is too cute.

Anonymous said...

I know from here and from TMB that you often make love daily or more, so with this conflict- how long had you gone without making love, or if you had made love in spite of the conflict had it been more duty than passion

Gemma said...

We normally resolve our conflicts as they happen and continue enjoying sex. Unfortunately, we had one really large blooper about a month ago that was a "pill" to resolve. We went without sex for over a week because both of us were so grieved over the conflict that neither of us wanted to push the sex button. We finally talked with our pastor before we were ready to call a truce.

Pastor heard us out, looked at us and said- "You're intelligent people. You know what you need to do. Now forgive and go do it!" Then, and only then did we resume sex. That's the hot make-up sex I wrote about here on my blog. By that time we practically tore each others' bodies apart, we were so horny. With GR and I both being high-SD, we never really have sex out of duty because we're both too horny all the time. When we went that week without, I remember being so angry that we couldn't enjoy sex while we were trying to resolve the issue.

Now during normal life circumstances like being physically apart due to short business trips or GR just working late one night... we then go anywhere from 1-3 days without engaging in sex. An example--- Just a few nights ago, GR was busy on a phone consult until 2:30am so by the time he came to bed he was wiped out; hence, no sex. He had to rise at 6am that morning for another long day of work and he looked like crap so no sex at 6am either. I understand that because I knew that asa he'd get some sleep that next evening he'd be raring to go and he was. We do make allowances.

You asked about "duty sex"---

Although we're both high-SD we naturally don't always get horny at exactly the same time each day. If you want to call this "duty sex", when that happens one of us, the horny one, will initiate sex but then the other one will quickly join in. Always, when one of us initiates it doesn't take long before the other becomes equally as horny and then we're both enjoying the sex. Some might call that "duty sex". To me it's like calling someone to the dinner table. You may have to call them but they're always ready and enthusiastically willing to come and partake and walk away totally satisfied, kwim?

tractor said...

This is anonymous again,but really tractor.

I so much appreciate you honesty about the ups and downs of your relationship- ie. hot most of the time, but sometimes cold.

I appreciate your humility in saying that you went to your pastor for help and I am so glad you did go.

Hearing stories like this just gives me more hope that my wife and I can have an even more passionate relationship, but not being too discouraged when we get stuck.

We were separated for 16 months in 2003 and 2004, and by God's grace reconciled.

Since then we have had a pattern of things improving and then setting back, which is so much better than our steady down hill progression for years before that.

FYI- We have alot in common if I am remembering different parts of your story correctly. I turned 50 last October, my wife turned 48 last June. We homeschooled our kids, who are now freshmen in college. My wife and I have both struggled with weight issues. Forgive me if I got any of your story mixed up with someone else's but I am over 50.

I so much appreciate you being very open to men commenting on your blog.

During our separation I got a tremendous amount of encouragement and insight from women, which helped me hang on until my wife was willing to reconcile.

Gemma said...

The brief bio you shared is pretty close to our story. We're both in our 50's. One kid full-time college, the other part-time. Both homeschooled since they were littles. Since my awakening, GR and I have lost a total of about 80 extra pounds that we were carrying around. (Sex is more fun without extra wt.)

We were *involuntarily* separated for 10 months during a huge cross-country move. GR moved to begin a new job while the kids and I stayed behind to sell the house. He and I saw each other 1 weekend a month during that time. It was almost like being legally separated but God even used those 10 months apart to help us work towards mending our marriage.

Tractor, I have no reason NOT to be open with men who comment on my blog. Passion in marriage is one of my favorite topics to discuss and I'll talk about it with anyone who cares to join me here.

tractor said...

When you said recently you had an emotional clash in your marriage for a couple of weeks, was that the two weeks, ending here at this post.

Just wondered. I just happened to go back to your first post and just started reading forward, and wondered if that was what had been going on while you had been writing the prior posts.

Gemma said...

Tractor, I don't remember the dates but our clash was recent. One of the things I most remember feeling in the midst of it is being so dang angry because neither of us could push past the emotional upheaval yet at the same time, both of us sorely missed our sex life.

I just kept thinking, "This is so stupid for us to be going through this. This is so very, very stupid!"