Monday, December 29, 2008

Accommodating sexual desires in nursing homes & assisted living facilities

OK guys, I am not saying that we are old but at some point in our lives, many of us will be dealing with sexual privacy issues.

What if we are living with our kids one day or living with our spouse in a nursing home or an assisted living facility? Or what if only one of us is living in a facility and our spouse comes to visit? Should we be allowed privacy for sex? How should we view the sexual aspect of the relationships of our own parents and other elderly relatives? If you could make those decisions today for your life down the road, how much sexual freedom would you like to see?

I found this article on sex in nursing homes to be quite intriguing. Think about it--- Why should the elderly have to stifle sexual desires they may have if they are in the same nursing home or assisted living facility with their spouse? For that matter, what if our spouse is no longer with us and we're living in a facility? Should we be allowed privacy to MB if/when we need a physical release? Am I the only one who thinks about these things?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

What Child Is This?

One of the most hauntingly beautiful Christmas Carols is "What Child Is This?" Sung to the melody of the 16th century English folk ballad "Greensleeves," the carol poses this profound theological question: "What Child is this, Who, laid to rest on Mary's lap is sleeping? Whom angels greet, with anthems sweet, while shepherd's watch are keeping?" Indeed, what Child is this? This question has been debated since "the Babe, the Son of Mary" uttered His first cry in the stable in Bethlehem some 2,000 years ago. Herod would lose sleep pondering over it. The Apostles would debate it among themselves, speculating as to the real identity of their Master. Pilate would inquire repeatedly, seeking to determine "the truth." And the simple people that would hear Him preach throughout Galilee would wonder aloud: "Is this not Jesus, Whose father and mother we know?"

What Child is this? The Carol not only asks the question: it gives us the answer as well, "This is Christ the King." What occurred in Bethlehem on that cold winter's night so long ago was no ordinary birth, and the One Who was born was no ordinary Babe. That night, a "King" truly was born - not a monarch whom Herod feared would usurp his domain - but rather the "King of Kings," Who would reign over every person who sought salvation through Him. On that evening, God became incarnate. He came down to earth so that one day, we may join Him in Heaven.

So "let loving hearts enthrone Him" today!
Christ is Born... Our King is Born! Glorify Him!

~~The Orthodox Weekly Bulletin


Merry Christmas to you all!
Gemma

Friday, December 19, 2008

Does your church teach on marital sex for the adults? And do they offer any type of sex-ed for the teens?

As Christian Orthodox, GR and I attend Liturgical church services so during each service we have an Epistle and a Gospel reading. At least 95% of the time our pastor addresses what is in those readings. But earlier on Sunday mornings before our Liturgy begins we have an adult Sunday School class for those who are interested where a number of teachings are rotated/repeated. One of the teachings is on the topic of marital sex and it is widely received throughout our church.

I am from am Italian/French background. Somewhere before, I think I have mentioned that there is a large following of Arabic and Greek Christians in our church. These ethnic groups seem to have an extremely healthy view of sex so there is rarely any embarrassment when the topics are brought up.

How does your church view marital sex? Is it ever the basis of sermons or taught in adult classes?

For two years before they go off to college, our high school juniors and seniors attend a Sunday School class where they openly discuss sex and many other hot topics and they talk about where our church stands on these topics. There is a policy where no one is to repeat what's said within the classes, (ie, gossiping among friends). This is because the kids are asked pointed questions by the teachers and they are expected to answer honestly. To my knowledge our church has been successfully doing this class for about ten years. I say "successfully" because attendance is very high. The kids in this age group love the way the teachers approach the topics.

Our teens of all ages also attend anywhere from 1-3 yearly retreats where guest speakers cover similar topics. I still remember that during one such retreat a couple of years ago, some of the kids were slightly embarrassed because the visiting priest made a comment to them like, "There is nothing better than regularly enjoying sex with your spouse when you've kept yourself pure as a single," only he was a little more descriptive about it. (Most of our priests are married, btw.)

Does your church offer any type of sex-ed for the teenagers?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Does your wife like fruit?

Fruit for sex? Who would have thunk it!

Slow loading link; be patient.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Why would a refuser care if the spouse had affairs? Does love accompany a refuser's behavior?

On a marriage forum, Job asked a couple of questions that had to do with refusing sex. He indicated that he wanted to discuss this further so I decided to bring it here, with his permission. Please read this and feel free to post comments or questions of your own which you may have about this topic. Keep in mind, each refusing spouse is different so you may see similarities here with your situation or the situation of someone you know but there will also be differences.

This is what Job asked:

"Why does a refuser even care if a spouse goes out and "cheats"? I mean, if there is NO attraction, NO care for the physical relationship... what does it matter that a spouse goes out and has a strictly physical affair? (Don't get me wrong. I believe it would be TOTALLY wrong/sin. But I don't see why a refuser would feel "jealous" or "wronged". It seems so hypocritical.)"

I attempted to answer his questions here:

Yes, it is hypocritical but in spite of the fact that a refuser usually will not engage in frequent passionate sex, many of them often know deep down inside that something is seriously wrong with their thinking. Refusers may INITIALLY say "I do not care" or "I cannot fix this" or "do what you want" or any other similar comment because they genuinely do not see their refusal as a problem (ie, Living w/out sex does not bother them so how could it bother their refused spouse?) LATER, when they know they are wrong, those words are often expressed out of a loss for a workable solution to change their thinking. They hear the distraught comments from their spouse but out of pride, many refusers will not admit to the refused spouse that they know their own behavior is destroying the marriage.

When I was refusing, I believe that a part of me may have still loved GR but it was not a healthy, mature love and at the same time, I was not bright enough or caring enough to even begin professional counsel to help our marriage. Instead, I was more concerned about my embarrassment. How pathetic is that? My embarrassment??? If I kept telling him "it is not that bad" or "I am working on it" or "it is because of how you treat me"... I could continue to justify the refusing without taking blame for it.

Did I want GR to disappear from my life? The part that wanted sex-- yes, but the rest of him-- no. Yet, at the same time I would not have blamed him if he had had affairs during our marriage. My refusing could easily have driven him to that point. I thank God to this day that it did not or we would have had even more issues to clear up before our marriage was restored.

Then Job asked:

"So Gemma, in your case, and maybe in others, could it be that your original "love" was simply affection, or a level of comfort, or good companionship? Could it be that it took you 25 years to TRULY find Love with GR? Could it be that it took that long for you to permit the Lord to dig up and find actual "deep rich soil" in your heart and plant the seed of true love there? Is THAT the true beginning of your mature love with GR?"

I replied again with the following:

Two years ago, Dec 2006, was certainly the beginning of a healthy, mature love for my husband. But even before we were engaged I knew we were meant to be. On two other occasions I was offered marriage proposals, knew those relationships were wrong and I turned them down. With GR, I knew it was right. When we married it was all there- emotional, spiritual and physical. What went wrong with me began three months into the marriage during the time when we both left the Roman Catholic Faith and became practicing Protestants.

Everything went downhill from there. I could not handle my promiscuous past in a healthy way. Our health/fertility issues tore at my emotions. The legalistic teachings we began receiving in the Protestant Church just made things worse for all the emotional and physical issues I listed in my "About Me" article (in right side bar). A huge part of me just shut down and totally stayed that way until we became Christian Orthodox 20 years later. This was when I began acknowledging how wrong I had been and then it took me another six years to complete my emotional healing.

So I would say that I did love my husband in every way in the beginning until the first three months of marriage but then something in my emotions went terribly wrong and I just snapped. Can we say that I was deeply in denial about the state of my emotional health? GR should have hauled my butt to a professional back when it all began tumbling down; he knows that now.

Would I have cared back then if he had had an affair(s)? I think so because deep down, I knew that GR and I had something special that lie dormant and was just waiting to spring forth. Looking at what we now have, how can I deny that? But such may not be the case with some refusing spouses. The following words I'm sharing are strong words and I don't share them lightly but in my heart of hearts, I know them to be true. Gently, I would dare to say that some refusers would rather find a way to walk away from the marriage because clearly they, or their refused spouse or maybe even both of them know that the marriage should never have happened. Unfortunately, there are people who DO marry for the wrong reasons but the truth always, eventually comes out.

Perhaps that would be a good exercise for all of us to do periodically-- Share with our spouse the reasons why we married them. It would bring us back to the basics when there is strife developing between us unless, of course, we married for wrong reasons.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Is degradation subjective in the marriage bed? Do we analyze emotionalism too much?

On marriage forums I am always a bit amazed at what married folks consider to be degrading in their marriage bed AND in the marriage bed of others. Yes, some people want to have rules for others but how can we since degradation is so subjective.

How come sexual acts cannot be just physically pleasurable for a married couple at least some of the time? Do all married couples have to be so emotional each time they do a sexual act? If they are not so emotional every time, does it mean that they are only behaving as a 'couple' rather than as a 'married couple'? If they do an act and afterwards only say and think, "WOW, that was fun and it felt so good," does that mean they are not behaving as an intimate married couple? Do we not all at one point or another enjoy an act for the simple "feel good" component of it?

Is there a line drawn where a couple can do an act and still have their marital relationship intact.... or not? Do just "acts" always suck emotion and intimacy out of a marriage and does that happen with every couple? Or is it mainly subjective to the personalities of the individuals in a marriage and the way that the married couple mesh with each other?

At times I have read where a married person states that he/she or his spouse has to pray before each time they have sex. For them, NOT praying before sex could be degrading. Would it be degrading for all of us not to pray before sex because we are married and/or because we are in a Christian marriage?

Is it possible that some married individuals may put so much emotionalism in every sexual act that it can hinder complete sexual freedom within their MB? Is it so wrong to enjoy an act with our spouse simply because it feels good? Can we possibly be analyzing emotionalism in marital sex so much that it detracts from the physical pleasure we give and receive with our spouse?

I realize this is a lot of questions. You do not have to answer them all but please read them and then post your comments.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

What determines the husband's O count?

Something I am often wondering about is this---

In each session, what determines whether a husband receives 1 orgasm or whether he receives 2, 3 or more? My own husband is typically a 1-2 O man. Yet twice this week he exceeded his ordinary limit and enjoyed 3 O's in both session. When #3 happens I am often amazed.

I realize that it can be unique for each person but husbands (or wives speaking for husbands), what do you think determines your O count or do you believe that it is a combination of several factors? If it is several factors, what are they?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Does anyone know if this was the first sex book ever written?

I was reading this article at foxnews.com and it got me thinking. Does anyone know if the original Kama Sutra was the first known sex book ever written? It was written around 350 A.D. in India.

Recently while shopping at our local B&N used book section, I purchased a $5, gently used, modern translation of it. This is the one I have: The Complete Kama Sutra: The First Unabridged Modern Translation of the Classic Indian Text [unabridged], ISBN: 0892814926 . It is a nice translation. I have seen several of the others and they all have too many nude photos for my taste. One of them even has mostly photos and little text; how useless!

Although there are some topics in the Kama Sutra which are non-compatible with the Christian marriage bed, it is easy to skip over those sections and focus on the rest of the book which is highly useful. Each time I read from it I find answers to many questions that are asked on Christian marriage sites.

So does anyone know if the original Kama Sutra was the first known sex book?

Monday, December 1, 2008

Warning: Pity Party

You guys think good thoughts for me while GR is away these next 2 nights. He just left this morning for a short business trip... 3 days, 2 nights. He works day hours M-F so I am used to him not being around during those times but, oh, the nights are so lonely and the bed seems so large when he is gone. Do not mind me. I have a little pity party each and every time he has to go on a business trip.

Our circumstances with the kids being in college and me toting them back and forth to school.... well, it just does not allow me the opportunity to join GR on trips right now, however, we hope for dd#1 to be a licensed driver by the end of January. She's finishing her driver's training and we already have a car for her. That could totally change the dynamics of some of GR's business trips. Can we say "business/pleasure"?

Last night we woke each other at 3am for a long, good-bye session to last us until we meet again Wednesday night.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Do you occasionally feel this way when your spouse cannot O?

This morning I got a glimpse of what it is like when a husband wants to see his wife O and she either cannot or will not. Tell me if this is true in your own marriages.

Because of being really sick all day Thursday and part of Friday, I have not been able to O these last couple of days. This morning GR really wanted me to and I will not get into the details of it but in helping me O, he ended up NOT Oing. Afterwards when we talked he said it did not matter this time because he was really only focused on helping me O and was not even thinking of getting his own. It kind of made me sad like he was missing out but he insisted that he was not.

As I write, he is still doing some phone support with his job so I am waiting for him to be freed up so we can go to bed and enjoy each other for the night.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Please note: new instructional links on my blog

In the right side bar under "Favorite Sites for Reading" I have just included two links that I feel could be useful for wives to either learn or to improve on how to pleasure their husband through "fellatio" or a "hand job".

The "hand job" link only shows a girl demonstrating HJ techniques with the aid of a dildo. The "fellatio" link is a written article which goes into detail on how to do OS on your husband. I have not viewed the entire "fellatio" site, but I know you will see sexual photos with real models who are dressed skimpy... just so you know.

To both husbands and wives, enjoy!

Have you ever had disoriented episodes after sex?

Early this morning GR was saying that he had to be getting up (to shower) so.... I got him up.... and we enjoyed a quickie. Afterwards he went and showered while I got stuff going in the kitchen so he would not be late for work.

First thing I did-- I got coffee going, or so I thought. I put fresh coffee in the coffee maker and went on to do other things. After GR arrived in the kitchen I noticed that the coffee was not brewing. "Oh my,"I told him, "I must have forgotten to turn on the coffee maker," so I hit the ON switch and went on to other things. Five minutes later he grins at me and asks, "Do I have to make the coffee from here on?" "You forgot to put water in the coffee maker!"

I mean, do you ever have disoriented episodes like this after sex?

Monday, November 24, 2008

OK, non-creative spouses CAN be creative in the bedroom!

Many times I have posted on marriage boards that we should not expect non-creative spouses to show creativity. Well, I was wrong. Yesterday, GR and I had a rare opportunity of having our girls out of the house from 1-5pm. Ahead of time, he and I talked and we both wanted to spend the time together at home so as soon as the girls left we went to the bedroom and began playing. GR is as nerdy as they come. He reads computer manuals for fun and loves computer talk.

We have the Bed Buckler and restraining cuffs that Liberator sells. My nerdy husband chose to put me in restraints on the bed and then.... would not tell me what else he planned to do to me. That is where his creativity kicked in. Usually he cannot surprise me a whole lot but let's just say that I was caught totally off guard to what he had in mind and I got to see the "tormenting" side of him in action. Between having me strapped to the bed and him pulling out a few other surprises, he took his time and then brought me to a mind-blowing O. After that, he wanted to do PIV-IC while I was still strapped down so he had his way with me some more while he O'd. He unbuckled me while we relaxed and talked a bit, made love some more and O'd again.

And I thought my nerdy husband did not enjoy being creative! I was so very wrong. Not only is he creative but he has an erotic "tormenting" side that I love. Are you or your spouse usually non-creative in the bedroom? Do you ever have surprising sessions?

Next week GR and I will be attending his company dinner at a hotel in town and staying the night there as his company puts all the employees up in rooms for the night. GR wants to bring all our toys. Hmmmmmm, wonder what he will have in mind?

OS on husband through a condom?

I read a comment where a husband expressed excitement because his wife was going to start giving him OS. Nothing unusual. But what had me curious, he said that she told him-- The only way she would do OS is with him wearing a condom.

Someone help me out here. Is that really exciting for a dh when he is wearing a condom and... is it fun for the wife to give OS through the condom? I don't get it.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

How did parents do each other in the olden days?

As GR and I cope with having sex while our grown kids' bedrooms are on both sides of our room, we are constantly reminded to keep the noise level down as much as possible when the girls are home. And we're all in our bedrooms with walls between us and doors closed. He and I play music or TV to help muffle the sounds we make during sex. Still, they hear things that they would rather not hear.

Back in the old days couples often lived in an open-style, one room log cabin. I envision the parents bed off to one corner and kids sleeping in the loft. I am sure they did not always have bedrooms with walls and doors. How did the parents have sex without the kids watching and hearing them? Sure, they could have hung blankets around their bed for a fair degree of visual privacy but did they always resort to "silent sex" for audio privacy? How did they do each other?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

What causes new surges of sexual energy in guys?

Say you are an over 40yo guy who preferred to have sex in middle of the night or morning rather than at bedtime because... well... because those are usually your body's best times to have sex. What would cause a surge in your energy level where all of a sudden you would be able to enjoy bedtime sex as well?

I only ask because this is what we are seeing in our marriage bed. GR, who is in his late 50's, would sometimes be too tired at bedtime for sex so he would sleep 3-4 hours and then wake me up for sex, which was fine for me. More and more he has been enjoying sex even at bedtime. The other day I briefly asked about it and he said that he knows I sleep better after sex. (My man can sleep anytime when he is tired.)

As you can see, I am a curious soul. I always want to know the reasons why things work the way they do.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

When in bed, just how much are emotions and sex related?

My husband is good, I mean, REALLY good! Something happened yesterday evening that was more of a big annoyance than anything else. It had nothing to do with GR or our kids. He and I went to bed and he began gently caressing me but I could not respond to his touch and I told him, "I am still so annoyed with this." (ie, I'm Italian and French; it is in the blood.) Without another word from me, he took it upon himself to aggressively ravish me. He was doing everything that he knew I loved him to do so it was not long before I had forgotten the annoyance and we were engaged in a hot love making session. When we were done, there was nothing in the air but emotional calmness and sexual satisfaction for both of us as we fell fast asleep.

The whole thing made me wonder...

Does sex sometimes go terribly wrong just because of poor communication or poor emotional connection when we are in bed? Do we occasionally push the wrong emotional buttons with our spouse when we enter our bedroom each night or day? When our spouse has his/her mind on the wrong things, do we make right choices for how to respond to it? Yes, we each need to take personal responsibility for our own thoughts but when it is difficult, can and should our spouse acknowledge the annoyance and then point us in the right direction so we can both enjoy sex, in spite of the troubled thoughts? Do we often see the annoyance in our spouse but are too inhibited to try anything sexual for fear of our spouse's reaction? If our emotional intimacy outside the bedroom is not in the most optimal healthy state, can you see how this same scenario could go terribly wrong?

SCENE 1
spouse A- I am so ticked off about this.
spouse B- Try not to think about it. Let's have sex.
(B's not thinking about anything but sex and A knows it. A little empathy might help.)

SCENE 2
spouse A- I am so ticked off about this.
spouse B- With eyes rolling B thinks- What now? I guess there will be no sex tonight.
(B knows better than to even say anything or try for sex.)

SCENE 3
spouse A- I am so ticked off about this.
spouse B- You ALWAYS come to bed upset about something. What is wrong with you?
(B uses the "always" word and proceeds to ridicule and insult A.)

SCENE 4
spouse A- I am so ticked off about this.
spouse B- I know. Why do you think it happened? Maybe it was a misunderstanding. Try not to worry about it all night. You will be able to talk to them tomorrow.
(B starts to earnestly pleasure A, knowing it will relieve A's tension; and it does.)

Can you relate to any of these or have you seen other scenarios play out in your marriage bed? When one spouse goes to bed with a negative thought in his/her head, how can the other spouse help to turn it into something warm, wonderful and passionate?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Anyone familiar with books by Wendy Maltz?

Has anyone read Private Thoughts by Wendy Maltz and Suzie Boss? It was published in May 2008 but I just found out about it. You might have to scroll down a bit to get to the book description. I have the two poetry books that Wendy edited and they are wonderful (ie, Intimate Kisses and Passionate Hearts). Most likely I will purchase Private Thoughts unless I hear too many negative reviews on it.

HELP!!! The sounds of sex

What do you do when your kids keep hearing the sounds you make when having sex? Our house is some 70 years old and has all 3 bedrooms bunched together upstairs. We play the TV or a music CD anytime we are at it in order to help muffle sounds. GR and I do our very best to be discreet because our 2 college kids live here as well. Most of the time when we are in our room, we speak quietly or whisper.

This morning dd#2, our 18yo, privately informed me that she heard me O earlier before we came downstairs. I did not tell her any differently but what she probably heard was her dad moaning when he O'd; he was a bit too loud. Dd was downstairs in the living room studying and the living room is directly below our bedroom.

When this dd's in her bedroom she keeps a loud fan running and that works fine. Dd#1, who is almost 21, does not sleep well with fan or music noise in her room. I just spoke to her today and we think a TV in her room would solve her problem and she's well old enough and mature enough to monitor her own TV viewing. So we can fix the sounds from being heard in their bedrooms.

So the problem---

What can we do to prevent LMing sounds from traveling to the downstairs living area of our home when the girls are in that part of the house? Our bedroom floor is wood. I suppose that adding bedroom carpet might help? And it is just not comfortable enough for us to have sex in the basement so that is not a good option for us. I know that moving would solve the problem but that will not be happening for at least another year or more.

Please share your ideas!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Serious question about dildos--

OK, it is a serious question but you can go ahead and laugh if it makes you happy! :-)

While looking at sex toy sites I have noticed that some of the dildos they sell are really big... no... I will have to say "huge"! Some of them are 2 or more inches wide and 7 or more inches long. If a wife were to use a dildo that was larger than her husband's penis, could the dildo stretch out her vagina and make it *permanently* larger? Or, does the vagina always spring right back to its normal size? I have been wondering about this for quite some time. Does anyone know?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Inspirational creations

I would be too freaked out about getting bits and pieces stuck inside to try any of this but you have to admit, the photos are intriguing. Don't worry, there is no nudity or porn of any type on this page.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Who says non-creative people cannot come up with creative ideas?

A couple of days ago while enjoying an afterglow, GR and I were discussing his upcoming business trip this week. He left today and will not be back until Thursday evening. Honestly, I have never talked with him about having phone sex because... well... because... I know he hates being on the phone. So much of his work time is spent giving tech support by phone so when he is not working, he normally does not make phone calls.

Anyway, we were talking about how much we will miss having sex together while he is gone. (This is all the time but I was reminding him.) I sadly told him, "I will most likely have to masturbate at least once before you get back." And then he told me, "We can talk on the phone while you masturbate." I nearly fell out of the bed right then!!! This was my very geeky husband coming up with a sexually creative idea all on his own. He never frequents message boards because he works with computers on his job so I know he did not read about phone sex on a message board.

A creative idea really came from my non-creative husband and he shared it with me. I think he might have even surprised himself when he came up with the idea; he certainly surprised me!

Friday, November 7, 2008

When the sexual playground seems to be closed for the night...

When the sexual playground seems to be closed for the night are there times when God gives us the ability to reopen it out of sheer desire to please our spouse, if for no other reason?

In my last comment from my article entitled: On keeping the "withholding of sex" a dark secret vs. bringing it to light.... I mentioned having a true story to share. You can go to that article's comment page if you care to read everything that was said. Basically, I referenced what I was talking about to 1 Cor. 7: 1-7 and gave my "take" on the meaning of the passage.

At the very end of my comment I said: "There are always those rare occasions, and they should be very rare, where sex must be postponed like during extreme sickness, etc...... I have a true story to share (later) which is an example of what I am talking about here. It is something that happened to GR and me last night while in bed."

Here is what happened---

Yesterday morning during an appointment, I experienced a really huge, disturbing encounter with someone. I would rather not go into the specifics of it but suffice to say, on a scale of 1-10, it was a 10. I rarely become so upset that it brings me to tears but I was in tears throughout the appointment as it had me emotionally disturbed, really disturbed, all day long. GR was out of town on business so I didn't get to tell him about it until he arrived home last night. Again, I was in tears while relating the incident to him. This was so out of character for me to be this emotionally distraught over words coming from another person. I am just not that sensitive at all.

When we went to bed my heart was still heavy. I am such a person where if something emotionally upsetting bothers me or if I am in physical pain, I always want sex because it quickly de-stresses me or relieves pain. But last night, for the first time in two years, I went to bed and could not bring myself to think about enjoying sex. GR was very understanding so we simply relaxed, nude, in each others' arms. After about a half hour he began gently touching me in some of my hot spots. At first I could not respond but the more he touched, the more my body gave in. It was like my mind was slowly telling me, "It's OK, relax, enjoy it!"

Well, before long GR had to leave to bring dd#1 to work for her 11pm-7am shift. By this time we were both getting hot and bothered but he went ahead and brought her to work. That little bit of touching had relaxed me so much that before he even arrived back home, I must have fallen asleep. Normally if one of us falls asleep, we wait a few hours and then wake the other person up for sex. This time GR must have been good and horny because he woke me as soon as he got back in bed. I was so groggy by then but I was able to wake up enough for us to enjoy a wonderful love making session. After that we both fell fast asleep and slept soundly throughout the night.

The reason I wanted to share this---

It would not have been a crime if we had forgone sex last night. I was way too upset to feel guilty about anything and GR knew it. He would never have pushed if I had told him, "I just cannot tonight!" But rather than cave in to my distraught feelings and shutting down to sex, I worked hard at keeping the door open for sexual play and it worked.... partly because GR was in sync with my emotions and partly because I was determined to keep myself open in case we could make it work.

When a spouse is not in a sexual mood for whatever reason-- tired, upset, pain, you name it-- it does not necessarily have to mean that the sexual playground must close for the night. If we keep ourselves open, keep our hearts right, and work together as a Christian husband/wife team, we never know what God can do for our marriage bed. What He did for us last night was huge to me... I guess it was also huge for GR.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Time out--- commercial ;-)

Don't forget to vote early enough to make it before the polls close this evening. We were told to expect 2-3 hours of standing in line. God had mercy on us. We arrived there at 8:45am to find one huge line which was wrapped around the exterior of the building, however, that line was for another district. Our district's line only had a small handful of people in front of us. Apparently most from our district either voted before work, or planned to vote during their lunch break or this evening after work. We were only at the polls for 45 minutes from the time we got in line until we were through voting. We drove away at 9:30.

One other thing I want to share about this and some of you may disagree-- I hope that whichever candidate wins, that we all can be gracious to those who didn't vote our way and that we can all rally behind our new president when he goes into office and show the utmost respect for his office, if nothing else. A number of my readers live in other countries but for those who are Americans--- Never forget that the entire world sees how we address our political leader. With politics, there is little that I hate more than to hear Americans refer to our president as "Clinton" or "Bush". We can all be good examples of showing respect by addressing our president by his correct title of "President McCain" or "President Obama". God bless America.

Friday, October 31, 2008

On keeping the "withholding of sex" a dark secret vs. bringing it to light

I posted this on a marriage forum and decided to copy it here for discussion.

After what I put my dh through for so many years I think I can safely say that when a spouse withholds sex, it usually means that something is terribly, terribly wrong in their emotions. Either they are emotionally crippled from things in their past or they are just emotionally selfish in the marriage. (I was both.) Either way you look at it--- If they can't snap out of it when it's brought to their attention, then counseling is needed to turn their thinking around and it's up to the other spouse to push for it.

As for the sexually neglected spouses---
No sane person should have to live that way for years on end. If a spouse has a leg injury, diabetes, cancer, you name it... we'd be quick to force them to see a professional and we'd probably drag them to the doctor if needed. Why is it that whenever a spouse withholds sex, the neglected spouse begs, gets angry, looks elsewhere for sexual fulfillment or they simply throw their hands up and say "I give up" and resign themselves to live a life in a low-sex or a no-sex marriage?

After my awakening I told my dh, "Don't you ever let me get away with that again. God forbid, if I ever revert back to my habit/sin of withholding sex, you drag my ass if you have to but get me to a professional... and quickly." And I told him, "I don't care how angry I get or if I threaten you or whatever. Just do the right thing and get me help."

We shouldn't allow our spouses to sit home sick with physical or emotional illnesses and not see a professional just because they don't want to. There is nothing loving or healthy about that. So many sexually neglected spouses say, "... but I love my spouse. I don't want to force the issue because they'll be angry and things will get worse." How do you get worse than worse? If you love them, get them the help they need and quit leaving it up to them. They are in no emotional shape to decide if they need help.

Yes, if we stop being co-dependent with spouses who withhold sex, things could get uglier before they get better but what have you got to lose? If a sexually neglectful spouse would rather walk away from the marriage than receive help.... I would have to question the degree of their basic love for their spouse. If they really don't love, what's the point of keeping them from leaving? If they do love, then they should either act like it in the marriage bed or submit to getting help. Yes, pray for them. Of course, pray. But put feet to those prayers and be proactive in helping them to get well. Quit helping them to keep their sin of withholding sex, a dark secret. Sin won't leave unless it sees the Light.

Please post your opinions and state your reasons. I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Expressing a grateful heart

After having sex, do you and/or your spouse have a grateful heart and do you verbally express your gratefulness to each other for all that is done with you and to you in the marriage bed?

Last night, GR and I had a particularly long and hot time of sex, ending with my two O's and his three. Then we both fell into a deep sleep that lasted through the night. As we were waking this morning I whispered into his ear, "You were so hot last night!" He replied with, "I though you said my hands were cold?" When he first crawled into bed last night, he had just come back from picking up dd#1 from school and he did, indeed, have icy, cold hands. I told him so then but that is not what I was referring to in this comment. "No silly, I meant the sex was hot... what you did to me and with me was hot." "Oh, you were hot, too." He finally got it, lol.

Sometimes after sex, I like to simply say, "Thank you for ----- (whatever)," to show my appreciation. Do you and/or your spouse verbally express thanks to each other after sex? How does it make you feel? Does it increase gratitude?

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Does your sex life largely depend on out of town "getaways" or does it thrive on daily "getaways" in your home?

Do you regularly take 'getaways' at home with your spouse even when you cannot go out of town? Or do you depend on out of town experiences to keep your marriage alive?

For GR and me in this season of life, running out of town for several days or a week at a time is not an option so we do not worry about it. We have a daughter who has several medical conditions which make it extremely hard to leave her with anyone. To date, we have only been fortunate to stay one night (last year) at a hotel in our town while leaving her in her sister's care.

We cannot break away from our kids for out of town trips so we keep our bedroom as a sacred place, of sorts. The kids do not knock on the bedroom door unless it is an emergency. And we do not answer the doorbell when we are occupied. We do not take phone calls unless GR is 'on call' for work and needs to take them. We do not do anything work-related in our bedroom because that is our daily 'getaway location'.

Because of our unique situation we have learned to make wonderful, daily memories at home, in our bedroom, and on dates. We have to because if we did not, our marriage relationship would be in a sad state. Regular date nights are a must for us to enjoy little bits of time alone away from the house and kids.

For those of you who can easily leave town without your kids, more power to you. For some of us who cannot, we prioritize our schedule to assure regular 'getaway' time at home and we do not allow anything or anyone to invade that space. We strive to live in our 'sex mode' 24/7 at home rather than stepping in and out of it like some couples do. This is as natural for us as breathing, eating and sleeping.

One day down the road, God may allow GR and me to take trips out of town for a week or more. For now, however, we want to daily be content and be good stewards with what He has already given us in our marriage relationship. It really IS all about regularly carving out quality "getaway" time no matter where we spend it.

Friday, October 24, 2008

What do you think of this quote?

"A husband wants a cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a whore in the bedroom."

Do you agree or disagree with it and why? Is it unrealistic for a Christian wife to want to be this way for her husband? Should Christian husbands want to view their wives this way? Are wrong teachings from church or from growing up years preventing Christian wives from letting lose in the bedroom? Do wrong teachings sometimes cause Christian husbands to discourage their wives from letting lose in the bedroom... almost like a Madonna-whore complex?

Monday, October 20, 2008

New twist on "living in a vacuum"

Maybe he should have stayed home and played with toys, huh?

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

It never ceases to amaze me...

In many sources I have read that sex, specifically PIV-IC, is a wonderful pain reliever. Well, having had scoliosis all my life I am well acquainted with back pain so I have had plenty opportunity to put that theory to the test. Each and every time GR and I do PIV the pain is gone by the time we are done. In addition to that, while I am waiting for surgery I regularly deal with stomach pain because of the (2) hernias. Last night was one such occasion.

I went to bed hurting badly... to the point where I was moaning and trying to hold back tears... so I asked GR to rub my stomach because I thought that the warmth from his hands might help. Neither of us figured we would be having sex under those conditions so I was thinking that maybe we would make love during the night or early in the morning instead. Well, he began rubbing my stomach and as he rubbed I got the idea of pushing past the pain to try and use PIV as pain relief so we gave it a try. GR was reluctant at first out of fear for making things worse but wouldn't you know it--- Once we began getting into it, the pain left. No kidding-- It was GONE!!!!

Do not underestimate the power of PIV-IC to relieve pain; it really does work. Oh, I am sure there are times when it will not help but heck, give it a try. What can you lose?

Sunday, October 12, 2008

What do we see in each other in the "secret place" behind closed doors?

For 25+ years of marriage, we lived a hellish life because of my "refusing" and then, seemingly out of nowhere, I was finally ready to repent and turn from my wicked sin (of refusal). Once I repented, God saw fit in His goodness and mercy, to restore and heal our marriage. Since Dec 2006, GR and I have both been living above and beyond our sexual expectations for our marriage.

As an ex-refuser and former "gatekeeper" to the sex in our marriage, this is a little something that I have been learning since my awakening:

God does not force His way into our marriage, nor does He restore it when one spouse (or both) continues living in sin towards the other spouse. God is holy and cannot live in an unholy vessel. My dh was praying hard; he wore his knees out, believe me. However, God still would not have restored us had I not finally repented by determining to turn my back on sin so I could be the wife that I was meant to be.

Today, I have a little better understanding of what it means to be a good Christian and more specifically, a good Christian wife. It is not enough to pray, read our bible, attend church services and bible studies, be deacons, lead worship and all those things that I used to believe helped me be a better Christian. In God's eyes those are all good things in and of themselves but they are really "works".

Although the bible tells us that 'faith without works is dead' as explained in James 2:14-19, God judges us more by our behavior and our heart condition when we are in the secret place, behind closed doors, yes, even the doors of our MB. If my dh cannot see Christ in me when we are in the bedroom, then he would have every right as a Christian husband to wonder if Christ is really in me at all.

So, in the secret place of our home and especially in our bedroom, what does our spouse see? What do we see in them? Do we draw each other towards Christ by the way we treat each other in the bedroom? Do we sacrificially demonstrate passionate love to each other as Christ would have us do? This has been a hard lesson for me. It took over 20 years for me to repent and then another 6 years to figure out how to get it all right. But once I repented God began healing me and restoring our marriage. My word for the hour--- REPENT! Repent for what we do in the secret place behind closed (bedroom) doors.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sex needs to be passionate but how about frequency? How much is enough?

Often, I see the question of sexual frequency on marriage forums. People will ask, "How often is enough?" I have offered my opinion so many times. Below, you will find my off the cuff thoughts on this. Do you agree or disagree and if you are able and have time, briefly explain "why".

There is no magic number. I would say that the sexual frequency is enough when the HD spouse, within reason, is not left sexually needy and feeling like their spouse is being less than generous in the marriage bed. It is not a science. If a spouse wants sex 5 times a day, that is not what I would consider to be "within reason". However, if a spouse wants sex twice a day or even once each day I would think that that would be enough for most people. Others are happy if their spouse generously and enthusiastically participates in physical intimacy 3-5 times a week.

The bottom line--- Nobody should be left high and dry, sexually needy, in a healthy marriage. And it goes without saying at least on my blog--- Sex needs to be passionate.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Sex in marriage- Do you check the "optional" box?

I have compassion, really I do. And I usually see this written by refused husbands more than by refusing wives. On marriage forums I often see husbands write in for advice because their wives refuse sex to one degree or another. I get that. However, many times if anyone, male or female, suggests ways to overcome the problem, the husband begins back-peddling and defending his wife's refusing habit by making excuses for her. What gives? Is the refusing a problem in the marriage or is it not? This is where I lose patience. Help me out!

One of the main reasons/excuses that I have been increasingly seeing husbands give is that their wife is afflicted with "sexual aversion". What exactly is sexual aversion? Does anybody really know? Does it mean the wife doesn't like sex? If so then I guess my next question is- Why did they get married when they knew they did not like sex? It is challenging to even find reliable explanations to define sexual aversion. I'd like to learn more so if you know of a good link, please post it.

One online source describes it as such:

A. Sexual aversion, mistrust, or inhibition of sexual pleasure due to:

1. Past experiences of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse.

2. General personality problems with attachment, rejection, co-operation, or entitlement.

3. Depression or anxiety.

My understanding of this is that it is presented as a psychological issue, a serious psychological issue which would require serious sexual counseling. It is so sad, though, that many wives who claim to be plagued with SA won't get help and the husbands are afraid to back their wife in a corner and (gently) demand that she get help if she wants the marriage to survive. It is as if the familiar issues of the marriage are more comfortable than working on change.

What will it take to change that mentality in the wives and in their co-dependent husbands? I don't have solid answers, only a few ideas. However, every time I suggest one of my ideas it gets booed down as being too harsh. Well, being syrupy nice doesn't usually bring about change, does it? It seems that husbands who are that way with their wife... the wife interprets that to meaning that the refusing is no biggie. After all, husband doesn't seem all that alarmed so why get in a huff over it? See what I mean?

I recently read an article that kind of pertains to this so I thought I would post it. The article is entitled: "Death of a Marriage- The belief that Sex is Optional" and you can read it here. . The article is 5 pages long so be sure you read all 5 pages.

I would love to hear your thoughts, ideas and/or opinions on this topic.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Do you withdraw or do you enjoy a roll in the hay when you are stressed out?

There are those in both camps but which is better? Which is healthier for you and your marriage? Read what this columnist has to say about it.

Her article title didn't seem to match up with what she was saying. Maybe I missed something but to me, her title implied that she was asking if our sex life was stressing us out. Her article seemed to be saying something else.

At any rate, which do you do when faced with stress- withdraw or enjoy a roll in the hay?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Husbands (or wives speaking for husbands), would this have bothered you?

For the husbands or for wives to reply for their husbands---

Would this have bothered you? It did not seem to be a problem for us this morning but I felt almost guilty afterwards and wanted to know how others would have felt in the same situation. By no means is this a negative reflection on GR, just so you know.

This morning, GR and I woke up late...late for us. It was already 5:30 and he leaves for work at 6:30. He knew that we didn't have time for both of us to O... I take longer... so he would have been content to simply lie there beside me and wait until tonight for sex; that's the way he is. However, we did not have sex last night so I knew he was horny, although I was still half asleep. I began giving him a HJ and because he loves PIV-IC, I quickly moved us in that direction. He enjoyed it all and O'd and then began helping me O but I looked at the clock and knew that he barely had time to shower, eat and get on the road so I told him, "We don't really have any more time." He knew it too and reluctantly got out of bed and went to take a fast shower.

Weeelllllll, much as I didn't want him late for work, now I was fully awake and... horny. Even if I start out not being terribly aroused, during or after PIV I have to O. So while he showered I got a vibe out and took care of myself just for the sexual release. When he came back to the bedroom to quickly finish dressing I told him what happened. He didn't seem to mind but I know him and I know he might have been feeling guilty for getting his without giving me mine, kwim?

All you husbands out there, would this have been an issue for you? If so, what would you have preferred your wife to do in this situation? I know that this evening I will check again to see what he thought about it because I do not want him feeling badly for something that I started and he did not have time to finish. After all, it was not his fault.

Thanks for listening.

Gemma

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What does your Church teach about marriage?

If our Christian Faith is the glue that holds our marriages together, why are so many Christian marriages suffering? It breaks my heart to read all the stories of those struggling with physical and emotional intimacy. What are we doing wrong with our Faith where it is not helping as much as it should? Shouldn't our Faith be spilling over into our natural married lives?

I am curious--

What does your own church teach about "marriage"? Do you feel their teachings are sufficient for healthy intimacy? Does your church even teach anything on this topic? I am a Christian Orthodox although OCA is not the church we belong to. I took the liberty of posting here , an article that the OCA church teaches on "marriage". I am wondering how different this article is from what is taught at your own church? Do you feel that your church's teachings on marriage are sufficient or do you feel it needs to be revamped? Do you feel that both you and your spouse have a clear understanding of what Christ Jesus wants for your marriage?

I have heard many folks comment that they would like to teach a course on marital sexuality in their church. Do you see yourself possibly moving into that type of ministry anytime in the near or far away future? It seems that many churches have a need in this area.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Feeling nostalgic?

Bear with me-- I am feeling nostalgic today. My mom's been gone for over 6 years now. I remember her sharing so many stories of the old days, late 1940's-early 1950's, when Mom and Dad were fairly new parents and poor as church mice. Going on dates at that time was financially challenging for them but in spite of the challenge, they still figured out how to romance each other. Thought I would share a couple of her stories in an effort to entice some of you to do likewise and share some of your own, older memories of your parents or of a long ago time in your own life.

Back in the late 40's my mom quit high school to get married. She and Dad were both young and began having kids a couple of years into the marriage. Before long, they found themselves with several kids but still.... no money. I remember Mom telling me that when they needed a break, my grandmother or one of my aunts would babysit while my parents would go out on a cheap date. I was one of the middle kids so I remember many of those times. On one such date they would go out and buy 2 cokes and just walk through town sipping on coke. This was at a time when you could buy a coke for 5 cents so it was a 10 cents date.

Our church's mens group sponsored a weekly dance that was free for the group members and their spouses. My parents always loved to dance and since my dad was a member, once a week they were able to go dancing for free. They became very good at finding creative, cheap ways to go on dates during those years when money was tight.

A side note---

Although I have never discussed details with them, I assume that my parents must have enjoyed a healthy, active sex life. They always took time for dates and they ended up having 8 children. As the oldest kids were getting married Mom was still having babies. Up until the time she passed on, Mom and Dad could often be seen kissing or hugging. They'd even watch tv with arms wrapped around each other. Our background is a mix of French and Italian which I'm sure contributed to the affections they shared but I have to believe that some of it was plain old "being in love".

Do you have any old romantic or sexual stories to share? Has your upbringing, in any way, positively affected the sex and/or romance in your marriage? Do tell!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

All caught up

Just popping in to say that GR and I are all caught up on what we missed during our 5 days apart. It is good to be back in the saddle. One thing that seems kind of odd--- Since he has been back, he has wanted a lot of bedtime (before sleep) sex. Prior to the trip his preference was more for middle of the night or early morning hours. I have not had a chance to ask him about it so I am really clueless. And we have only been back together for the last three nights so what does three nights of this tell me?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Lonely nights!

I only have one more night, tonight, before GR arrives back home tomorrow evening. I hate going to bed alone. The nights are the loneliest when we're apart this long. It's like half of me is missing. I can't wait until tomorrow evening so I can have my other half back with me.

Good night all!

Are we ministering or being ministered to by "sloppy agape" in our marriage?

While reading on a marriage forum recently I found this thought-provoking comment that caused me to ponder. The poster stated:

"..... there seem to be many spouses who are also not giving anything sexual (even the non PIV things) even at the end of the day. This is a time that is traditionally thought of as "bed time is sex time." So when a spouse sees bedtime approaching I think it is reasonable to expect him/her to start preparing his/her mind and emotions for intimacy, or at least to respond to intimate requests."

The more I thought about this, the more I began to think that there are waaaaay too many young folks getting married and older folks who have been married a while, who are clueless about the fact that sexual intimacy is a major portion of what sets the marriage relationship apart from mere friendships. [And please, I'm not even getting into the idea that so many singles are engaging in sex these days.]

Some friends are very physically affectionate depending on their cultural upbringing. You may see them walking along holding hands, or arms wrapped around each other, or touching/kissing in non-sexual ways, etc. Friends do these things if they are of the affectionate variety. However, when we cross over from a friendship to a marriage, what is it that sets marriage apart from mere friendship? Why, it's the sex, of course.

Now what goes through the mind of an individual when he/she is preparing for marriage? Are they doing anything to prepare themselves for the level of spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy that a healthy Christian marriage requires? I don't think so! It seems to me that for many who are in the premarital/engagement stage and older married folks, their perception of married life is extremely skewed. It's like they want their fiance to be affectionate and loving in the marriage... kissing, hugging, cuddling... you can do those things with a stuffed, teddy bear... and they look forward to "playing house" after the wedding but... where is the ambition, the goal to work towards developing a sexually passionate relationship once they marry?

Think about this-- How many of you talked to your fiance about marital sex during your engagement as you waited in anticipation to begin enjoying sex after the wedding? Can you now look back and see that perhaps your spouse was nodding his/her head "yes" in agreement when in their heart of hearts, they may have been only agreeing to live together as friends? How many of you now, today, see your spouse enjoying the benefits of being "roomies" only with the addition of getting pregnant and raising kids together? Yet they are overwhelmingly ignoring their God-given, sexual calling to fulfill their spouse's sexual needs and desires.

How many can say their spouse enthusiastically enjoyed sex while attempting pregnancy but most other times, preferred giving excuses? [I've heard that story a million times over.] OK, let's assume that they are of low or no-SD; many people are. What about their spiritual calling to unselfishly give in sexual abundance... not leftovers, ABUNDANCE??? Does Christ give us His leftovers? Of course not and neither should we.

Do we only love God when we feel like it, only when we are in the mood? Is spirituality based on feelings? I think not. Where do we, as Christians, find it acceptable to base our sex life on feelings? I'm speaking to the choir here, folks. This mixed up view of married life is part of what entrapped me into living the life of a refuser for so many years. So you say, "But my spouse isn't a refuser. He/she is just not enthused and sometimes makes excuses." OK, but are they USUALLY giving of themselves in sexual abundance? If not then they are basing their sex life on feelings.

What are "feelings"? Merriam-Webster defines it as such:

1. an emotional state or reaction
2. the undifferentiated background of one's awareness considered apart from any identifiable sensation, perception, or thought
3. often unreasoned opinion or belief

Compare that with Merriam-Webster's definition of a "calling":

1. a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence
2. the vocation or profession in which one customarily engages
3. the characteristic cry of a female cat in heat ; also : the period of heat

So when we marry and also throughout our marriage do we view sex as something we only do when we feel like it or do we give in joyful abundance because we are called to do so? We are called to love God. We are also called to keep our spouse sexually satisfied? Can you see what is wrong with viewing sexuality from a "feelings-based" POV rather than from a higher "calling-based" view? Are we ministering "sloppy agape" in our marriage? Comments?

Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
(Phil.3.13 NKJV)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Five days apart-- woe is me!

Oh, woe is me!!! GR is having to leave town for a business trip. He's leaving in the morning and won't be back until Monday evening. Major bummy!!! And I can't go with him because our girls are currently in college and working part-time jobs. Our oldest has her drivers permit but not her license yet. She will be getting her license very, very soon. Until then, I have to be here to tote them to school and work.

Guess what GR and I will be doing tonight and/or early in the morning before he leaves? I realize that absence makes the heart grow fonder but if our hearts grow any more fonder, they will bust! How do you handle things when you and your spouse are apart? It's not like I have nothing to do. On the contrary, there are many things in my life to keep me busy. But what do you do when you are apart from your spouse and you get to missing them? The nights, especially, are so lonely when we are away from each other. We are used to wrapping our bodies around each other when we sleep.

Please keep us in your prayers these next few days.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

i want you

I read this poem today and it reminded me of how I felt this morning at 3am when I woke GR. When I get this way it makes me crazy where I can hardly focus on anything else, not even sleep. We are both this way. How do you feel when you want your spouse? Does he or she understand the intensity of your desire during those times?

i want to sing
a piercing note
lazily throwing my legs
across the moon
my voice carrying all the way
over to your pillow
i want you

i need i swear to loll
about the sun
and have it smelt me
the ionosphere carrying
my ashes all
the way over
to your pillow
i want you

~nikki giovanni

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Deleted.

Does having sex help you stay connected to your spouse even when you're tired?

Have you ever gone to bed really, really tired and it showed but you still wanted sex? Recently, I had this happen to me although, GR has done this, too. The other night he and I hit the bed and I remember thinking how worn out I felt. [While waiting for my surgery, I frequently go to bed this way.] We talked about having sex but he was not convinced that I was up to it so he suggested to me, "Let's wait until later in the night when you are feeling better." I knew I was up to it but I could not convince him. To be honest, it kind of irritated me that he would not believe me so.... I am ashamed to admit this but... I resorted to pouting. Anyway, at that point I think he finally understood that I really did want to have a quickie; so we did.

Sometimes, even if I am wrung out at bedtime I can still enjoy and benefit, both physically and emotionally, from having sex. Sure, there are times for both of us when we are truly too tired to even make an attempt so we do postpone it until later in the night or in the early morning hours. But this was not one of those times. I know GR worries about me while we are waiting for my surgery but I told him, "Look, I know when I am in so much pain that I cannot enjoy sex. Please believe me and trust me when I say that I want sex and that I am up to it. I would never push for it if it would physically hurt me." The misunderstanding sort of came about because I was not "jumping his bones" ;-).

And thus we came to a new understanding of this daily decision of when to do it and when to take a rain check. Like I told him, "Having sex gives me a lift even when I am tired, as long as I am not too tired. It helps me stay connected to you."

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Sometimes sex is like a lake

Last night GR and I drove in the rain to a nearby lake and just sat in the car... talking... making out... watching the day's light and life gradually get sucked away from the lake by the evening darkness. There is something so calming about being around a body of water. There were no boats out on account of the rain but we did see several groups of geese slowly floating by as if they were heading towards their own nighttime destination... just as we were. It was a pleasant way for us to end the day.

Then we drove back home, crawled into bed and made passionate love. When we were done, I only remember falling fast asleep in the dark room in each others' arms. Just like the dark lake, it was calming. We were satisfied. We slept 'til morning.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Choice #1 or #2?

If a HD spouse wanted sex 5x a week and LD spouse would be content with 1x every 1-2 weeks, which of these choices below would you pick and why? Yes, I know that if the LD spouse would do what he's supposed to do in meeting needs of his HD spouse, it would be hot sex 5x a week.

Choice #1
They would decide to have hot, sizzling sex 3-4 times a week with both spouses being totally, emotionally engaged in the sessions. Both walk away with sexual and emotional love tanks being full, although LD spouse has to stretch himself a bit to keep this up.

Choice #2
They would decide to have sex 5 days a week with LD spouse less than enthused, thereby, causing the sex to be rather hum-drum. They walk away with LD being overwhelmed by the frequency and HD happy with frequency but not getting emotional needs met.

For myself and my dh, we are daily doers so I'm not saying 3-4 days a week is ideal for a dh who wants 5 days a week. But if given a choice between the two scenarios that I described, which would be best for you? I would prefer 3-4 days of hot sex and then MB on the "off days" if needed. I don't like anything done when the heart is not into it. There is no perfect answer. Each couple in this same situation will likely handle it in their own unique way that works for them or..... they continue to lock horns.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Sizzling sex for a lifetime

This article talks about how to keep your sex life sizzling throughout your married years, even into the "sizzling 70's" and beyond.

Help with communication skills

Do you need help with communication skills? Read here and begin talking and listening better.

Bridging the gap between sex drives

Here are some ways to match up sex drives which are mix-matched. Sure, not all of the ideas will work in every marriage, but don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

Why it should go on the calendar

This article gives 7 good reasons to schedule sex. If just doing it doesn't make it into the schedule, try a calendar.

Overcoming reservations

Here is a good article which talks about sexual reservations that people take into their marriage AND......... it even offers several solutions for overcoming each one.

Are we having fun?

While browsing the 'net this morning I stumbled upon this article. It is all about having fun with sex. I thought it might help lighten up the mood in some of our marriage beds.

Friday, September 5, 2008

The pearl of great price!

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it. (Matt. 13:45)

My bible has a study note for this verse which states:
"In this parable, receiving the treasure requires that everything else must be sold, that is, a person must surrender all things [in order to receive Christ]." (my brackets added)

I found this description of a pearl:

The pearl itself is a beautiful, single entity, formed through suffering in the heart of the oyster.... and like the Church, will be put on display in a coming day. Unlike precious stones which must be cut and polished to reveal their clarity and beauty, the pearl is perfect as it comes from the oyster - the hand of man could only spoil it.

Are we even searching for that which is the highly sought after treasure in our marriage? If we don't see the "pearl of great price" as being worthy of our search and if we're not willing to surrender all other things... well.. we will not possess it. Instead, we will settle for slightly less than what God has to offer us.

What does that have to do with cultivating a desire for sex and meeting emotional needs during the sex act?

Perhaps some dw's don't know how to cultivate a desire for sex and are either afraid to move into that realm of eroticism or they just don't want to make it a priority for whatever reason. (ie- job, church, friends, kids, hobbies, distractions such as tv/computer, etc.) However, scripturally speaking, after our relationship with God our marriage relationship should come next, before all else.

If a wife is just going through the motions of having sex without passion she is, perhaps unknowingly, not meeting the husband's need for emotional release. He may as well masturbate or have sex with anyone to simply receive those same physical feelings. With dispassionate sex, a husband's hunger for an emotional tie is not satisfied.

So what is the point of having sex with our spouse? Is it just a "feel good" activity to pass our time away? No! No! No! God intended for it to be waaay more than just the physical release. Through physical intimacy we not only bond sexually but also emotionally and spiritually. We cannot separate the areas of intimacy in marriage. They are uniquely meshed together by God. If we have sex out of duty, it's like we are telling our spouse, "See, I'm doing what you want but don't ask me to fully give myself to you in an emotional or spiritual way while we're having sex. I am not going to do it!"

Why do you think sexual relationships outside of marriage are not mutually satisfying? It's because the sex is only......... sex. Usually one sexual partner wants more emotional and spiritual connection from the relationship than what the other partner is willing or able to give.

When a Christian is content to have sex purely out of "physical duty" while under the spiritual covering of marriage, it is really not much different than a worldly whore having sex. "WHOA," you say. But think about it. A whore goes through the motions of having sex and then walks away from the bed with no emotional ties to the sexual encounter. I can say this because I used to live as a worldly whore; I'm well acquainted with the mindset. A worldly whore cannot connect the dots of sex with emotions. Do we also experience that disconnect in our marriage bed? Could that be why we lack passion?

Wives who earnestly pursue having all that God intends for their marriage are usually rewarded with heightened sexual passion. We have to strongly desire sexual passion in order to pursue it. Do we want it? Do we even recognize that God wants it for our marriage? Other wives willingly acknowledge that they find no satisfaction in eroticism. Their honesty is a good place in which to start. Now if they are willing to earnestly seek through prayer they will learn to find delight in eroticism because they will know by faith that it is, indeed, a treasure to be sought. With renewed satisfaction in eroticism, comes passionate sex.

God wants and has so very much more for Christian marriages, truly. Are we willing to go after that pearl of great price?

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Pertaining to your own sex life- How much detail do you share with your kids?

I was discussing with a friend about kids and how much detail is really appropriate to tell them in regard to Mom and Dad's sex life. He and I both read posts elsewhere written by people who say that they share details even about their OS and such with their older kids... not married adult kids... more like kids right out of high school.

After reading those posts I thought-- Wow, I understand about being open with our kids regarding sex but this just seems waaaay over the top with TMI and my kids would tell me so. They just don't want to hear the details and GR and I don't want to share them; it is personal. I would not share those personal details with an IRL adult friend my age or a neighbor. So why would I share them with my college kids?

How do you handle it in your home? Pertaining to you and spouse's sex life--- How much detail do you share with your kids? Do you treat it any differently than you would with an IRL friend? Do you treat it the same?

Friday, August 29, 2008

Does your soul wait silently?

[ WARNING: This article does not directly address marital sex but I thought it would be appropriate for today.]

Please forgive me folks. I wanted to write an article to post this morning but yesterday was physically challenging for me in regard to pain and discomfort. Right now, my brain is still waking up from a much needed long night of sleep/sex; it was refreshing.

Anyhow, I took the liberty of posting a link to another article instead. One of my favorite writers, Fr. Thomas Hopko, wrote a 4-vol series that is well known in Christian Orthodox circles. Often, my readers will email me and share about difficulties/sufferings going on in their lives and I do pray for each and every one. So I thought I would post this link to Fr. Hopko's short article entitled "Suffering". GR and I have this 4-vol series in our home but occasionally when I'm at the computer I'll read his articles straight from the OCA site.

Moving on....

I am an amateurish singer, guitar player and song writer. IRL I am kind of shy about this talent and don't easily share that with folks so I'm putting myself out on a limb here by telling you all this. There was a time in my Protestant Church days where I used to lead worship. Many years ago when I was going through a dark period of my life, I began writing songs. Here is a copy of two of the first short songs I wrote and often sang when I was at a place where I could see no light. These songs are really straight from scripture:

Ps. 143: 6&8
I spread out my hands to you;
My soul longs for you like a thirsty land.//

Cause me to hear your loving kindness
In the morning;
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way
In which I should walk;
For I lift up my soul to You.

Ps. 62: 5
My soul wait silently
For God alone;
For my expectation
Is from Him.

And I leave you with a short word from Isaiah:
Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. (Isaiah 40:1)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Ethnicity and orgasms

Occasionally, you read on marriage forums where someone will ask about the relationship between ethnicity and sex. Even I have asked about it a time or two. This article shows results of a survey where they believe that difficulties in achieving orgasms could be linked to ethnicity. Thoughts?

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Which is less complicated? Just doing each other vs. thought and planning

As I try to patiently wait for my surgery to be on the calendar, I'm noticing that my energy level is not what I'm accustomed to it being. Most mornings I still wake early but with the pain hitting me every few hours, I am in and out of bed throughout the day. Of course, this is wrecking some havoc on my nightly sleep but I am managing. It just means that GR and I are having slightly, more than usual middle-of-the-night sex ;-).

So, essentially I'm trying to work with my body's demands as much as possible. It is nothing short of amazing to me that GR and I have been able to keep up our desired sexual frequency in spite of this inconvenience that my body is putting me through. But then, keeping our sex life alive and well is a huge priority to me. GR has held back a few times for fear of pushing me beyond my physical capability but I continue reassuring him that I will speak out if pain becomes too much of an issue during sex. Otherwise, we carry on!

Sexual intimacy with my wonderful husband is as critical to me as being emotionally tied to him outside our bedroom. And we both feel this way. Like early this morning when we sort of woke each other up. We both reached for each other, we both initiated sex and we both enjoyed making love before climbing out the bed. It's become a natural part of our sleep habits. Often, I wonder if some couples make frequent sex, or just sex in general, more complicated than it needs to be. I mean, sure, occasionally you want to include various sex toys and whatnot in your sessions but I never want the "accessories" to contribute to a decrease in frequency and/or enjoyment.

Does the actual thought and initiation of sex sometimes hinder your desired frequency and enjoyment of just "doing each other"? ... as if it's too big of an event or too much trouble? Can you think of ways to KIS so that the thought and initiation process can become more natural, less complicated and perhaps less burdensome to a lower-SD spouse? Sure some sessions will always be more involved than others but if it is increased frequency that you're after, what can you do or what DO you do to encourage that to happen where both spouses enjoy passionate sex each and every time and as often as you want it? Do you feel that "simplifying" might be a key to increase passion and frequency in your marriage bed?

Friday, August 22, 2008

Just an ordinary day

Last night I hit the bed early... alone... in serious pain from too much required time on my feet during the day. Besides getting my kids to and from work, several hours of my day were taken up with a long appointment with my family doc. He and I talked for over an hour, discussing my surgery options. The driving back and forth to his office was another hour.

Sounds like the game plan for surgery will be slightly different than what was originally planned. My family doc will not be operating but he will be the one orchestrating the other 3 surgeons. Yes, we will have 3 surgeons involved in this. What do they say?- "Four heads are better than one!" Tentative surgery date is still on for late Sept or sometime in Oct while all the docs put together a plan. GR and I still have 2 more surgeons to meet.

Last night, GR was at a required business/pleasure minor league baseball game. I heard the scoop from him at 2am. He tried calling me when he left the ballgame to say he was on his way but I must have been zonked out as I didn't hear my cell ringing from my nightstand and I always hear it.

When he arrived home around 11 he attempted to wake me for sex but I was still zonked out. Then around 1am we somehow hooked up and both enjoyed a session. Afterwards he was asking me what the doc had to say. I'm relaying all the info to him and it suddenly dawns on me and I ask him, "Hey, why are we discussing my surgery plans at 2am?" It's bad when you have to discuss these things in the middle of the night. We talked a bit about the ballgame and then drifted off to sleep.

GR got up for work, told me to stay in bed and he left at 6:30am while I was sleeping, for a change. Most work mornings I am downstairs by 5:30; not today. I had nowhere to be so I enjoyed some extra, much needed sleep.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Passion in marriage or passion in porn???

Did I read this correctly??? This article pertains to the 101 days of sex that the Brown's did and that Douglas Brown wrote about in his book "Just Do It". Perhaps most of you already knew these little facts that I am sharing but it's news to me.

From the article it appears that Douglas Brown purposely went on Viagra to enhance his performance and endurance throughout the 101 days. Now, I have no problem with a couple needing long-term help from Viagra or similar meds for their marriage but it sounds like the dude only began taking the drug for the experiment. And then they both purposely watched a lot of porn to keep their interest going throughout the 101 days. Ask me if I'm going to buy his book... NOT!!!

Perhaps a more truthful title would have been:

Just Do It- How One Couple Turned to Viagra and Porn and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days

Are LD spouses capable of making HD feel sexually desired most of the time?


GR and I, both HD's, were engaged in a lively conversation at 5am this morning. What conversation would be lively at 5am? Glad you asked! We were discussing possible reasons which would cause one to appear to be LD yet when in the midst of having sex, they enjoy themselves. And of course, we got off into related thoughts as well.

Please, feel free to voice any opinions you may have or to answer as many or as few questions as you like. I realize that not all LD or HD act and think alike. Your answers may reflect on your own marriage or from your general thoughts of LD vs. HD.

1. What do you think goes on in the mind of a LD from the time that they hear those *dreadful* words [how LD views it] from HD spouse saying, "Let's have sex," to the point where LD is enjoying a sexual encounter? And I realize not all LD's do end up enjoying the sex. Some are of the, "Are we done yet?" variety.

2. We all know that HD think about sex throughout the day where LD usually don't. Do HD force themselves to think about it or does it always come naturally like thinking about a favorite hobby? Do LD purposely avoid sexual thoughts when they pop into their heads throughout the day or do those thoughts never enter the radar? Is it possible that LD do get fleeting sexual thoughts but they are just so good at repressing them for lack of interest or whatever reason?

3. In general, do you think HD offer adequate foreplay to help LD reach arousal? Or do they offer too much where boredom sets in? Is it possible that LD just don't like sex very much? And if LD once loved sex, what happened to the high interest? The spark that was there when they were dating... where did it go?

4. If HD does offer enough foreplay, why do you think so many LD resists warm up period? Possible answers that come to my mind:
-don't care
-lack of interest
-unresolved emotional baggage
-too much trouble, not enough benefits
-messy factor
-bad priorities (ie- kids, job, other hobbies, relatives, friends, housekeeping)
-unhealthy emotional intimacy between spouses outside the bedroom
-too tired, not allowing enough sleep/rest

5. For someone to say "I'm LD"... could that be an excuse for not putting out effort to make HD spouse feel sexually desired? Is it even possible for a LD to regularly keep HD spouse feeling sexually desired? Can you think of ways that a real LD spouse could overcome this hurdle, resulting in their HD spouse knowing he/she is desired?

6. Many Christian spouses place huge emphasis on dh and dw praying together on a daily or weekly basis and yet these sexual struggles remain prominent in the marriage. (ie- I refused for 25+ while praying with my dh.) It's like they can't connect the prayer to the sexual struggles. If this was discussed between LD/HD spouses on a weekly basis, do you think it could make a difference in the marriage?

7.
OK, and as an add-on--- Do you think it would be too much to ask a LD to initiate sex maybe 2-4 times a month as a way of showing that he/she really does desire the HD spouse?

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Life is good!

GR and I took some extra time yesterday and this morning to enjoy more intimacy. And for those of you who are already thinking, "What? They just talked?"... oh, you are so, so wrong ;-). To be honest, the news from the doc kind of did a job on my head. I mean, I knew I had been experiencing pain for several months but I had no idea that fixing it would involve major surgery. So.....

Yesterday our girls decided, with our encouragement, to go to the theater and eat out afterwards. GR and I had the house to ourselves. Can we say "Yiippee!!!!" Typically, the girls are on opposite schedules where one of them seems to be home at all times. [NOTE TO SELF: Work on syncronizing the girls' schedules.]

GR and I planned this ahead so first thing we did after the girls left was to pull out all our marriage books and spread them out. Recently, he's been wanting to read one so I gave him a brief idea of what was covered in each book. We separated the books into two piles-- those covering sex and those covering emotional intimacy with some sprinklings of sex talk in the mix. So he chose one that focused on emotional intimacy, our struggle area, and set it aside. Then we moved on to other things.

We enjoyed some brie, crackers, grapes and wine. Afterwards we retreated to our bedroom. The rest of our alone time was spent just enjoying each others' bodies. We made love and we talked and we ML and we talked some more. It was just what the doctor ordered. With the kids gone, I was able to be as loud as needed so that was so freeing.

Last night we had sex again when we went to bed. Then this morning we ML some more. Dang, it's not like we haven't been enjoying a high frequency of sex lately but we seem to be experiencing a higher than usual need for it these couple days. Maybe it's the added stress, I don't know. At any rate, we are better today than we were Friday and I am certainly better today. I am just so thankful that in the midst of all my pain, GR and I can still enjoy passionate sex to help keep me centered. I realize that after surgery some things will be temporarily put on hold but I trust God that we'll be able to handle that when we get to it.

Life is good. Do not waste precious time that you could be sharing in intimate moments with your spouse. Live today as if it is your last day. Shower your spouse with passion every. single. day.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Surgery news- and seeking upper-body exercises

Hi folks--- Just a quick note here as I'm getting ready to hit the bed again.

Please forgive my lack of writing. I am adjusting to news of surgery. Yesterday, the surgeon told GR and me that I have two large hernias which are on top each other. My excess weight [What? ... don't most of us have some excess weight?] is mostly stomach weight due to lovely gene pool. Soooo....

The surgeon told us that he will be operating along side a plastic surgeon so they can tighten up my stomach area while removing the hernias. Per his words-- It will be a huge surgery followed by a longer-than-I-care-to-think recup period and will take place in about 1-2 months, so I'm thinking September or October. We won't meet the plastic surgeon until mid September, unless they get a cancellation.

Meanwhile, back at the old ranch--- I wait, deal with pain every few hours, stay close to the bed so I can jump in it when the pain gets bad and pray to God that these two surgeons are at their best on surgery day. I can't stand sloppy work.

The surgeon seems great, really great. I told him, "No hiding info from me, OK? Just be honest with me throughout this whole thing." He promised. I asked him if having sex would hurt things. [OK, I didn't say "having sex"... I said "relations with my dh".] He said, "Use your judgment. If nothing hurts, go for it."

Amazingly, when GR and I have sex, there is no pain. I purposely asked the doc about that in front of GR so he would finally believe me. He's been sort of worrying about causing me pain during sex but I always say, "If anything hurts, I'll tell you and we will stop."

We have Y memberships. I'm seeking out good exercises for chest, shoulders, arms, neck and back. Oh, and I guess my feet and toes ;-). Those are the areas I am allowed to exercise between now and surgery. No muscle strain allowed in stomach or legs. I was doing 3-4 aerobic walking miles a day but can't do that now. So please post your ideas.

Thanks.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Giving up minutes of sleep time for sex

Last night, it felt good to be woke in the middle of the night by my horny dh. We hadn't done a 3am session in a while. GR barely woke me, just enough to make love until he O'd. I was too sleepy to try for my own O but still, it felt so good both physically and emotionally to know that my dh needed me in the middle of the night and that I was there to care for him.

Sometimes our sexual needs come up at strange times that may not seem convenient. GR and I enjoy doing this back and forth for each other, after all, who wants to wake horny during the night and have to deal with it all alone when mere minutes can make such a huge difference?

Do you and your spouse ever do this? If one of you objects to interrupted sleep, have you given it an honest try? You might be surprised how easy it is to wake, do a quickie and then resume sleep. And nobody has to lie awake in misery. Btw- This is the reason GR and I always, ALWAYS sleep nude.

Monday, August 11, 2008

A sad thought

Can I just say how much I hate the thought of GR and me not being able to have sex immediately following surgery if it's surgery, indeed, that I will need? I was thinking about that today and it saddened me so much. That's all.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Dh killed at the hands of...

... a folding couch???

Sorry guys-- I am not a feminist but this was funny to read. It reminds me of the true story of how singer Willy Nelson's first dw left him. He was always coming home drunk and she finally had had it. While he was passed out drunk one night she sewed him into the sheets, beat the living daylights out of him and left. We reap what we sow don't we? And why do people choose to live that way?

Taking care of your body during sex!

Does any of this scare you? Not me! I mean, I've given myself a few strained muscles being overly zealous but it was my own fault, truly. Taking care of your body during sex should be common sense. Does the author not have any? Is that why she wrote this?

In her article Ms. Fulbright asks, "So how can you avoid injury when caught up in a bout of excessive sexual desire?" Duh... if it doesn't feel good, stop doing it . Perhaps I'm too simple-minded for this article; am I missing something?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Article deleted.

Article deleted.

Time to catch up!

After talking with GR today I'm realizing that he is withholding some of his sexual affections from me out of concern for my health. He is worried that PIV-IC might make things worse for me before this health issue gets all cleared up. I am married to such a dear but truth be told, this past week I have sorely missed the level of sexual frequency that we are accustomed to enjoying. So without further ado, he and I will head off to bed and catch up on some hot love making. And you should, too!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

An odd experience

Today, I had a CT-scan. I don't know if all women feel this but before they took "pictures" the tech told me that I would begin feeling heat through my body. Well, honey, let me tell you... I could feel that heat begin at my head and I felt it travel all the way down to my clit. I'm sure it must have continued on through my legs and feet but I was too shocked to pay attention to it beyond my clit. What an odd experience!

Next Thurs Aug 14, GR and I meet with the doc to discuss results and talk about a game plan to fix whatever is wrong with me. Please think good thoughts for me.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Do you ever take time to smell the roses?

And some mornings when you and spouse awaken, you just have to lie there and soak up your nudeness together. At 5am this morning, we were both tired when Andrea Bocelli woke us with his singing from the CD. Between our tiredness and the fact that we needed to hit the floor by 5:30, GR and I made a joint decision to spend that half hour enjoying each others nudeness while we chatted so we locked nude bodies, head to toe... no sex... and visited.

Sometimes you just have to slow down and smell the roses, you know? As long as you agree to have sex that night or the next morning, it's a good thing especially when emotions could benefit from a little lift. Frequent sex is wonderful and even necessary in my marriage but none of us need to become legalistic about doing each other every single time we're in the bedroom.

Just when you thought GR and I never slow down for a sexual breather!!! Hope you all get this .... how skipping a sexual opportunity every so often helps to bring the hearts closer together.

Gemma, who can't wait until tonight!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Possible surgery

Well, folks, I thought I'd mention this now. It appears that I may soon be needing surgery for what my doc believes to be a hernia. I've noticed it for several months and for at least this last month, I've been dealing with off/on pain. The past week, pain and burning sensation has been hitting me about every three hours. For relief, I have to lie down a bit. Then I get up for a few more hours and then have to lie down again. Day after tomorrow I go in for a CT-scan. Soooo... if I temporarily disappear, you'll know why.

Yes, I should have seen the doc sooner. Been smacking my forehead about that.

GR is so funny sometimes. At 5 this morning he asks me how I was feeling. It's usually fine upon awakening so I tell him so. He starts babbling about not wanting to irritate anything with the hernia, hinting around that maybe we shouldn't have sex but I assure him that I'll alert him if anything begins hurting.

We are just getting heated up when....

GR's phone rings... not once, but twice... same person.... someone from work needing his help. During second call as I am giving him a *gentle* HJ so he can still complete his call, I overhear him tell this person that he has to see if he can find the info on his laptop and then he'll call him back. GR hangs up the phone and starts to roll over to get out of bed but I grab him and say, "I am your laptop. See what you can find on me!"

So I finally get his attention even for only a quickie :-). I love his dedication to his job.... and his dedication to me :-).

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Sexual disconnections or "hum-drum" sex

Early this morning with coffee and book in hand, I was sitting on the porch overlooking our garden, watching the birds fly in for a landing on the edge of the birdbath to get a drink... a bath... or both. As I was reading a passage in Nicholas Sparks novel: "The Notebook" I was reminded of an issue that regularly comes up in topic on marriage forums.

The issue is this--- Wives complain of their husbands being too rushed during sex. They claim that it leaves them feeling that their husbands are only in it for their own sexual pleasure. They also wonder if it would even matter to the husbands who they are having sex with. The husbands complain that their wives experience so much difficulty becoming aroused that they wonder if the wives are ever really as into the sex as they are.

In "The Notebook" I read this passage about the two main characters who are madly in love:

"He was on all fours above her, his knees astride her hips. She lifted her head and kissed his chin and neck, breathing hard, licking his shoulders, and tasting the sweat that lingered on his body. She ran her hands through his hair as he held himself above her, his arm muscles hard from the exertion. With a little tempting frown, she pulled him closer, but he resisted. Instead he lowered himself and lightly rubbed his chest against her, and she felt her body respond with anticipation. He did this slowly, over and over, kissing every part of her body, listening as she made soft, whimpering sounds while he moved above her.

He did this until she couldn't take it anymore, and when they finally joined as one, she cried aloud and pressed her fingers hard into his back. She buried her face in his neck and felt him deep inside her, felt his strength and gentleness, felt his muscle and his soul. She moved rhythmically against him, allowing him to take her wherever he wanted, to the place she was meant to be."

After reading the passage, I wondered---

What are those couples on marriage forums doing or not doing that causes such a disconnect in their marriage bed? Why aren't most of their sexual encounters a "celebration" of sorts? What Sparks has his characters doing in this passage is not all that unusual for a sexual session between two IRL people who are in love.

Is poor communication regarding sexual needs and preferred love making styles at that much of a low for so many IRL couples that they are allowing it to take away from the ecstasy, the passion, they could be regularly experiencing? Why do couples struggle so to recognize and communicate sexual needs and desires? In your own marriage, is this an issue? If so, what do you think is the root cause of it? Have you thought about possible solutions to resolve the issue? Have you discussed it with your spouse?

I've said this before-- Emotional intimacy is where GR and I struggle the most... where we have to work the hardest. With these sort of sexual issues, I am at a loss in understanding them but I would like to delve into a discuss about it if others here share my interest and concerns about it.


If any thing is sacred, the human body is sacred.
-Walt Whitman

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Joke of the Day

Difficult Shot

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his back swing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?”

“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob.

“Good Lord,” said David, “You haven’t got a chance of hitting her from here.”

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Make-up sex

What do you think about make-up sex? Do you disagree with some of the points made in this article?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Toys vs. husband

WOOHOO......

GR is coming home tonight. I was commenting earlier today on a marriage site about toy usage vs. PIV-IC with dh. There is no comparison, truly. Since my dh left Monday morning I have had to MB a few times. Oh sure, it gave me the physical release I needed but I will take my dh any day over a vibe. After all, we cannot have passion with a toy, can we?

Just because I have times where my O comes from the added help of a toy, still, it NEVER causes me to turn down good sex with my dh. Rather, it makes me want him more. I'm glad that he is secure in knowing that he cannot be replaced. This morning I MB'd to O with a vibe and my hiny is already tingling for my dh. For those dh's who worry about their dw's becoming too attached to toys, get over it, OK? In most marriages, I would dare to say that the dh is "the man" with passion. The toy is just a toy.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Poor, pitiful me!

Both of us were up way too late last night getting things done before GR's trip and we had to pick up dd#1 from work at 11:30pm. Needless to say-- we were SO tired this morning, tired but desperate for a last love making before he left. It must have been 4-4:30am as our eyes opened.

While still spooning from sleep and me being too tired to care about Oing, I added a little CO, lifted my top leg and quickly slipped GR's penis in me. And that's how we made love until he O'd. Afterwards, he was resting in me when I felt him slowly begin thrusting again so I also started to move in rhythm with his body. Only this time, he pushed my legs tightly together beforehand and did me in "doggies-on-their-sides" fashion... I'm sure there is a more techie name for that position... with my legs tightly together on the inside, his on the outside. It wasn't long before his second O came and then he was satisfied; so I was content.

I pulled his hands back to my face as I kissed him. We kissed and embraced as long as time would allow and then we had to get cracking. At 7am, I dropped him and dd#1 at the airport. Now I go through three days without him.... my hiny still tingling. Poor, pitiful me !!!